Do I have the right to be upset or am I just being ungrateful??

Cassie - posted on 04/03/2010 ( 8 moms have responded )

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Ok, I am a single mom of four children. I was married to their father. He abused my children and no longer is in their lives. I live with my parents for many reasons. One reason is it gives me the oppertunity to stay home with my kids. Two, I am afraid to live alone with my kids out of fear of my ex. ect, ect....My oldest child has learning disorders and a personality disorder. My youngest daughter has a serious heart condition. My father works full time, my mother stays home. Her daily activities include sleeping, eating, and playing on the computer( most day, 18+ hours on the computer). I also stay at home, my daily activites are get up at 530 get kids ready for school, get the other two up for breakfeast and dressed, clean kitchen, clean living room, clean three bathroom, do 7 peoples laundry, empty litter box, take out garbage, lunch, story time, than vaccuming, mopping, than get kids off bus, help with homework and some nights it can take us till 9 at night to finish due to his disorder, make dinner, baths, clothes ready for next day, snacks, story, bed! than I unload the diswasher and head to bed myself. I compleately to all the physical care of my children. I don't ask my parents for help in that area because I feel that is souly my responsiblity. and I never ask my parents to watch my kids, If i go somewhere my kids go with even to my doc. appointments. My parents go out every saturday for things at friends house, which I have no problem with. I enjoy it really cuz it gives us all a break. But the last two saturdays they have said this is what we are doing we will be home for dinner. Today it was we r going to ----house round three we will be back around five, lets do a cookout and a movie night. That was a great Idea!!!!! they were going to send me a message when they were on their way so I could start the grill. 530 came and I herd nothing so I sent a message to see if they were going to be home for dinner or not. they reply I got was No go ahead and eat. Now my question is y could they not say something earlier and y did it take me asking to find out? I feel disrespected and like i have to teach my parents manners. not to mention now the kids are super hungry, cuz they r used to eating at 5 and i didnt even get dinner started to 545 cuz i was waiting on them. Should i be upset or am I just being ungrateful?

8 Comments

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Lyn - posted on 04/05/2010

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unfortunately, you shouldn't be angry. Yes, it was hard that they were out with their friends, but they raised their kids and it is now their time to enjoy their freedom. It must be very difficult raising 4 kids all by yourself. At times challenging and exhausting, and your ex-husband not helping is just not right. Your parents have stepped up by letting you stay in their house so that you won't be alone, and it seems like they have a big house as well, so you can have some sort of privacy. You do have a routine, but maybe you could set aside some time to have "me" time, when the kids are in school, let the laundry go for one day, or ask the kids to help with picking up things...they will feel great to be able to help their mom out. Kids don't care about a clean house, just as long as their mom is happy and plays with them. Maybe your routine could include feeding the kids at a set time every night, and if something comes up, like the bar-b-que, you could feed them earlier at their set time, and give them dessert while you and your parents enjoy the bar b que. I hope this helps you out... and keep your chin up! Your doing a great job!

Judy - posted on 04/05/2010

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take a deep breath! It is so hard to move back in with parents who forget that you are an adult now and that the rules change when a grown child comes back. I moved back home for three years after my divorce. It was VERY hard. I did more then my share of tongue biting in order to keep the peace. I moved out when it finally got to be too much and I was ready to be on my own. It is does not mean that you don't appreciate them or respect them. It is hard to keep kids on a schedule especially when (it sounds like) yours need the routine to flow smoothly. Your parents were not thoughtful to leave you hanging which would be rude to do to anyone but should oyu say something? It depends on how your parents would receive the info. It might be better to bite your tongue to keep the peace.

Cristina - posted on 04/05/2010

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It's ok to be upset especially since you do so much, but don't take it to heart let it go and keep on doing what you need to do to get ahead in life with your kids, what i do is make believe i leave alone and the fact that they don't help with the chores would bother me less. I know you have a heavy load to carry with all you do, but you'll be blessed in the long run, believe it.

Emma - posted on 04/05/2010

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It was thoughtless of them regards dinner and letting you know ahead of time that there plans had changed so you could feed your kids.
Regards the other things you have written you seem to be PO that your mom doses nothing I know they are helping you out but she should at least be doing a little of the work not the stuff relating to you or your kids but her and her hubby's washing as she would be doing those things if you where not there, and there bedroom ect

Tevis - posted on 04/03/2010

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I would be upset too and I understand your situation as I moved in with my in-laws as well and do pretty much all of the household chores. With that said, you have to live for yourself and your children, not for them. You do have to appreciate their housing you, but you don't need to cater to their feeding schedule or their needs. I understand the feeling to include everyone for dinner, etc., but if you can let some of that go, you may find a weight off your shoulders. I'm not there yet completely, but I'm working on it daily and proud of how far I have come in the last couple of years.

Iysha - posted on 04/03/2010

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It is ok to be upset. Ask your mom if you can have some help with the chores so that you all can have time to hang out together and see a movie (or paint each other's nails, go window shopping, make cupcakes with the kids, go to the park... Whatever). That way she's not thinking that you are ungrateful and expect her to do house hold chores when she let's you live there rent free (not that you are it's just that people don't always see eye to eye on what is fair). You can have a break and she can have some fun with you and her grandkids. I don't mean to be rude but, your mom is really taking advantage of you being there and in the position you are in. You two should be taking turns on who cooks. If that happens, you can get started on homework earlier and she can have time with her grandkids every other day while you're doing the cooking. If they made plans with you, they should definitely have called and let you know they weren't going to make it. You should ask them if they could let you know an hour before dinner time if they're not going to make it so you have time to prepare a meal for the rest of the family. You don't have to be mean, but they should get the message.

Tracy - posted on 04/03/2010

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Your parents were not very thoughtful to leave you hanging like that about the cookout. Not because of what all you do around the house or what your schedule is, but because it's rude to cancel plans on anyone at the last minute. While your parents are perfectly within their rights to keep their own schedule, if they make plans with you, they should either keep them or call to cancel at a reasonable time. This is something that if it happens again, I would talk to them about. For now, chalk it up to them taking you for granted, it was a mistake, forgive them and move forward.



What I think I am hearing from your post is that you feel because you do all the cleaning and the cooking and your mom sits and plays on the computer all day that they (or she) are/is taking advantage of your situation. On the other hand, your parents have already raised their child(ren) and are ready to relax and do what they want when they want. They have taken you in so that you do not have to work and instead of charging you rent they are expecting you to do the cooking and cleaning and to take care of your own children. It sounds like you are living up to your end of the deal, but I sense some frustration on your part because you feel that your mom is not doing as much housework as she should. Am I misunderstanding this? This is a separate problem and shouldn't have anything to do with their "no-show" the other night when they should have called. Don't let your frustrations with your living arrangements cause you to start expecting certain behaviors from your parents. Granted, they should have called you that afternoon when they realized they weren't going to make it, but you can't start expecting your parents to do more than they bargained for because you have a busy schedule. I would, however, maybe try to sit down and clarify what responsiblities you have in their home in exchange for free room and board with your 4 kids. If you feel that you have too much on your plate, see if they will adjust some of the responsibilities to your mom. If not, then just ask that if they make plans with you and need to cancel to please have the courtesy to call ahead of time.

Heather - posted on 04/03/2010

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Everyone in your situation would be upset. However, even though you have a right to be upset, I'm not sure you should act on it... since you are staying at there house (rent free?) I wouldn't say anything. Maybe just start texting them earlier to see if they are going to be home. If they said 5, text them at 5 if you haven't heard from them.

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