do ya tell him or not?

[deleted account] ( 6 moms have responded )

Let me start by saying my husband is a wonderful Dad and a good husband but... I didn't get anything for Christmas and no v-day plans. I don't ask for much. He and the kids always come first. We are talking about buying a house which yes I want and yes it will be for all of us. But am I being selfish wanting a gift or even a nonpromted thanks? SHould I tell him I want him to buy me something?

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Robyn - posted on 02/09/2010

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you should tell him what you want...just a small token nothing big. Even if it is just a movie night at home.I am the same way I want something so that I know that he still loves me. In the same token get him something small too.

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Melaina - posted on 02/09/2010

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I totally agree with Alicia. He probably has no idea that he's hurt your feelings. Respectfully letting him know that you need to feel more appreciated exactly as Alicia has suggested is the best route. That way he won't feel attacked and you'll get a better response from him. I have to point out that I totally disagree with the attitude of "laying down the law". I don't think either party in a relationship should have that attitude, or it will lead to resentment on both parts. (No offense Anna. I don't believe you used that wording with any sort of bitterness at all.)

Carolee - posted on 02/09/2010

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Guys don't understand subtlety... at all. I have to flat-out ask my husband "are you going to get me *this* and *this* for Valentine's Day?" and then I'll know he's made a mental note that #1: I do indeed want something and #2: exactly what I want and #3: when I want it. Other than that, the only "hint" he'll get is when I go out and buy myself flowers because he doesn't think to do it. After that, he'll get me my favorite chocolate or something else that he knows I always like. That's about as subtle as it gets in my house.

[deleted account]

You should totally tell him. Here's the thing. Men are simple creatures, and will treat you exactly the way you allow them to. Allow one missed holiday gift? He'll miss every single one until you set him straight. I know this from experience. My husband used to never get me gifts, and I was very permissive about it since he was paying a lot of alimony at the time, but when that ended, I still never got gifts, yet he got himself everything you can imagine... Not cool. I set him straight, and let's just say I have it on a good authority that he was seen yesterday, leaving one of the best jewelry stores in town, and he was not empty-handed. What a coincidence, considering what's coming up this weekend. ;-)

Because of all this, I no longer accept the, "I can't afford it" excuse. There's always a way to afford what you really want or need. How do you think basically every man on the planet can always mysteriously afford a new truck whenever he wants one, a garage full of the latest tools, motorcycles, guns, junk food, new computer.... you name it! So somehow, they can always afford that, but it's too much to get the wife something sparkly and shiny?? I don't buy it for a minute, and I don't accept it anymore!

You have to lay down the law with him. It will make things better for you in the long run! Of course, as someone else said, leading by example is also important, so get him a gift, too. I'm a big believer in that, too.

Alicia - posted on 02/09/2010

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If it is bothering you, you should talk to him. Otherwise you might just become resentful and hold it against him and it could escalate into something more. Maybe start by saying you think you both should work harder at showing appreciation for the other person...tell him how much you value all he does for your family. Explain that you know that money is going to the house-fund, etc so big gifts are not needed, but more verbal "gifts" of love and praise and thanks and maybe inexpensive date nights at home, etc like Robyn said.

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