Do you have a child that shines brighter than the other?

Brice - posted on 10/22/2009 ( 6 moms have responded )

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I'm going to be brutally honest here and I don't think I am the only one out there who has this thought run through my head. I just want to confirm that I am normal for thinking this way and need advice on how to have a different outlook. My 10 yr old. is very smart in school and knows how to outsmart anyone/anything. The problem is that she dosent give things she does much effort. Quitting alot of extra activities w/o giving them much chance. Thinks she knows everything and she can do it her way. She tries to be funny and it flops like a dead fish. We will call her Napolion from Napolion Dynamite. She will laugh. I don't want to bash on her but I want her to see the importantance of following through. she used to play soccer and softball for a few years but decided it "wasent for her". Now on the flip side my 8 yr old excells at sports and extra activities but is not so hot w/ school but still gives it her best. She is hillarious, loving and a natural in the spotlight so to say. but she is also a dependant child. Like the squeeky wheel. So in one way or another she gets the attention whether stealing it or insisting on it. Her Dad and I love sports and spend alot of time w/ our youngest doing them. Coaching her softball and soccer team, games and tournaments. Her older sis is forced to go and hates every second of it. does everything in her power to not show support for her sisters team. Now please tell me how to be a fair cheering parent and not to show favor to one childs accomplishment vs another. Don;t be mean to me I am asking for advice.

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Zenobia - posted on 10/23/2009

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You have to compare your children, because each one is different. I have four, so I have to juggle each ones strength and weakness. It is a hard job to do but you have to get your child to realize she is not going to be like her brother because she is not him.



I have an oldest child who fights with beauty. It is not that she is not beutiful, but her sister is always commented on due she has a very nice complexion. She gets upset due to everyone says that she is smart first before they say she is pretty. What I did was show her famous people, and regular common people with her same complexion. I also explained to her that being smart was a good thing. To keep her encourage, I have her work posted on the wall in her room. When people comment on her sister, I say Jasmyn is doing excellent in school. She is really bright girl. That turns the attention for awhile and they will talk to her. I also let her go places with her favorite adult to feel special.



That is the thing about being a parent. It is not just feeding and clothing the children. You have to mold their path. You will not be able to change them, but if you give them a map when the time is right they will look at it.



I suggest having a family night. The whole family sits down and talks about thei week. Everyone gets the spotlight for a while and everyone else has to listen. When the person's turn is over everyone has to give praises. Then those that don't give praise to others, that they will miss their turn. If that does not help the attitude then let them talk. Then no one gives them praise. Then ask them how it feels? It should make them feel some type of negative emotion. Once they express that emtion ask them why would they make someone else feel that way. Then everyone needs to give them praise. This way is shows that family must stick together no matter what.



After this ordeal it is best to play a game or watch a movie to have the child relax.

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I think it is just a natural that if you have common interest's or similar personaliity trates that you will gravated more towords one child. It doesn't mean that you love them anymore or any less. If sport's is not her thing, spend time doing something that is her thing. It is improtant to teach her to follow through with things but it doesn't have to be sport's related. Maybe looking after a pet or finishing some sort of activity or class that you could do together.

Maybe don't force he to support your daughter's team. It is pretty boring being forced to sit through something you have no interest in.

Frances - posted on 10/23/2009

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I'm not sure one can outshine the other .... maybe a lil more soul searching and you'll discover your oldest just shines in a different way, you should search for these things and praise and love her for her own self.Otherwise she may grow to resent not only her sister but her parents too.Hope this helps :)

Dianne - posted on 10/23/2009

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Also maybe you can try to find some common activities that both girls might enjoy. Having grown up in a house with 4 siblings with very different interests and personalities it is hard as a parent to be supportive all round, but one must try their best because if you don't it will lead to sibling rivary and animosity between your daughters, that will continue to affect them as adults. Good luck

Jaime - posted on 10/23/2009

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As it may seem that a particular child shines brighter than the other, it is only a matter of perspective. Obvliously since your family is very involved in sports, your youngest gets the most praise by simple circumstances. In some families doing well in school is more important, and therefore in another family possibly your oldest would get more praise than your youngest. I grew up being very gifted in music, and schoolwork, while my brother was very good at sports, and we both had jelousy issues for the attention the other was getting. My only suggestion is that instead of being a family that is mainly focused on physical activities, perhaps get involved in some activities that your oldest will excel at, and make it become a norm for your family. That way although your children are best at different things, they will feel appreciated in what they are good at. Also if you are lucky it may start a friendly competition and get them to try to be better at their weaknesses. After all, we all want well rounded children right? Hope this helps! Possibly girl scouts, or something like that, but i wouldn't force her to do sports if she simply hates them (martial arts may be a good option for a girl that doesn't like other sports- have you tried that?). Hope this helps!

Ashley - posted on 10/23/2009

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i would just stop comparing them all together. Everytime you have a thought that is setting up for a comparison- tell yourself what joys each have brought to you. The worst thing that could happen is have your children sense your feelings- and feel insecure ( especially your older daughter).



AND this may be just my opinion but I was the older sister and thought I knew everything... would start activities (ballet, soccer, teeball) and same thing- for one reason or another I would not see it through. Even now, I think thats a characteristic I can sometimes exude if things arent going my way. As a parent, maybe you could try suggesting she pick one thing she thinks she will enjoy and then if she starts wanting to give up- insist she see it through at least until the end (of the season). It will build character to not just give up all the time. It could also be a confidence issue... her younger sister always being in the spotlight, doing so well at areas she struggles with... it may push her even more in the opposite direction. Shower them both with love and when you compliment one of them, always do the same for the other. Hope this helps.

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