Do you think our arrangement is fair?

Jessica - posted on 10/26/2011 ( 17 moms have responded )

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I am a SAHM to my 8yo step-daughter and 4yo/2yo daughters. My husband has a few chores around the house. He takes the trash out when he is home. He unloads the dishwasher if it is ready when he is home. He cooks dinner when he is home in time (he likes cooking). He has to do his own laundry for a couple of reasons... One is he never puts it in the hamper and Two, he wants his wet laundry put on hangers to dry, not the dryer. I have three kids around, I don't have time to hang it all up. We have 'wash and wear' clothes here. I put everything in the dryer. It saves a lot of time. I do everything else. I also do the trash if it needs to be done during the day and unload the dishwasher during the day. I am the one who does any yard work (he despises it, and I see it as time to myself where I can actually get use out of my Ipod). We are happy with this arrangement. It works for us. My MIL came for a week and was outraged when I called my husband into the kitchen to unload the dishwasher so I could put the dinner dishes in. She did not like that I 'made' him cook dinner and then unload the dishwasher. She also thinks I should do his laundry for him, the way he likes it, because that is how she does her laundry, too. She hates how I keep house. I tidy up, and do a deep cleaning seldom. When It comes time to do a deep cleaning, my husband is usually there to help. He does the dusting and polishing, while I do everything else. He works while I stay at home. I do not think he should have to do much around the house, but my day does not end at 5:30, either. We are happy with our arrangement, but whenever she comes for a visit, he starts thinking he shouldn't have to do anything because his Mom said so, and I start feeling like I'm being a bad wife.

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Amanda - posted on 10/26/2011

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What goes on in your house is no one's business but yours. If you have found something that works for you and you are happy with that arrangement who cares what MIL thinks

Brianna - posted on 10/26/2011

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wow ur hubby does alot more than mine does lol. can u teach mine to do that stuff to plz :) i am a sahm and i do almost everything at home.. i do dishes, lunches, meals, take care of our 2yr daughter, care for dog, all cleaning, paper work for our oilfield truck company, grocery shopping, arranging any appointments needs for any of us (doctor appt ect), i go to all the meetings with the accountants, banks,ect.., any of the easier renevation around home (painting walls, painting cabinets, changing out tabs, ect). my hubby is the only one who cuts the lawn though (cuz i have asthma and its makes be very sick) It would be nice if my hubby helped out more though.
as for your situation first of all if it works for both of you then thats great.. second of all dont listen to your mother inlaw this is between u and ur hubby not her

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Katherine - posted on 11/08/2011

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Youre not a bad wife. There is nothing wrong with a man helping out.Its his laundry to. He dirty dishes to and makes messes. When i worked and he stayed home he cooked cleaned and took care of the kids and when i came home or was off I also did my part around the house because we both wanted to be married and have a family and own a home. your mil needs to respect how you 2 run your household. everyone is different.

Eron - posted on 10/28/2011

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oh right so if you decided to get a full time job then the MIL wouldnt expect you to look after the kids, do housework, or look after her son? sounds like ur a fab mum + wife, + he's a good dad and husband 2 pull his weight - whatever he earns while ur at home, be honest would it cover 24/7 childcare, cooking and cleaning? NO it wouldnt so if MIL wants u to spend ur time worshipping her son instead of living like a real family that love each other enough to work as a team.....then i suggest MIL gets her marigolds out! cheeky mare! it sounds like you have a great relationship if he does his share of the parenting and the housework, well done to you both, enjoy xxxxx

Sharlene - posted on 10/28/2011

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Hi . I think its equal share of house and care of the children.My husband helps inevry way possible .cheers

[deleted account]

DOn't have stress at all, it sounds like he's getting a good deal. it's nice that he helps withoiut having to be asked! my mil is the same.

Katherine - posted on 10/28/2011

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Oh God no. You're not a bad wife at all. That's how it should be. 50/50 He sounds like an awesome husband.

His mother can go jump in a lake. Those were the old days. Now it's almost 2012.

If these arrangements work for you then keep on keeping on.

Melissa - posted on 10/27/2011

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If your MIL is audacious enough to comment on your arrangements, then I would feel entitled to defend your chore divisions. Don't make your husband talk to her because that puts him in a bad spot- (his mom wants the "best" for her son, but he wants the best for his family).

MILs come from a different generation and I would take that into consideration before becoming insulted and speak harshly in reply. But the objective of marriage in this matter is to support each other to the common goal of running the household in the manner that best suits everyone. Your MIL isn't a factor in that equation. Tell your husband that if he'd like to consider trading a few chores that you'd be willing to try it out for a while. He may find he chose something that is harder than what he was previously doing. In marriage I find it is best to be open to new ideas as long as they are equally pleasing.

Corinne - posted on 10/27/2011

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I'd have your husband talk to her and explain that this is how you guys are happy splitting chores and it is not up for debate with someone who is not part of the household. It is none of her business how you run your home. Don't think you're a bad wife for working out what's best for you and yours. :)

Hope - posted on 10/27/2011

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You are not a bad wife at all the point of it all- you and your family had a semi- balanced way of handling chores that works for your family. What mom in law says doesn't matter. You will get burned out very quickly if you try to do it all and actually resent your husband for not helping you out which would more than likely drive a wedge in your relationship down the road. As a father and husband he needs to be helping you out just as you help him out you two are in a equal relationship. Mom in law is not apart of your immediate family and shouldn't be butting into your business or family arangement that is already working for your family. Your husband should not be tied anymore to your mom in law's apron strings. Another point is that as long as everyone is contributing to helping clean up the house, there is more time for family connections and activities for the family. Sorry if I came off insensitive to your mom in law's point of view, but she is missing the bigger and better picture for your family. good luck.

Michelle - posted on 10/27/2011

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Your MIL needs to mind her own business. If it's working for you then it really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. I wish my husband was more willing to help. He's not, but he's sort of working on changing it.

User - posted on 10/27/2011

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You're MIL sounds like she's sticking her nose in business that has nothing to do with her!! I think you have an excellent set-up! If you two are happy with it, then don't change! I kept my mouth shut and always let my partners mother have her say and now I am a single Mum! The last thing I'll ever do is let a partner's mum do that again!

[deleted account]

If it works for you, leave it alone. It's not really her business.

We kind of share the kitchen. If one cooks, the other cleans, but more often than not, we're both in there at the same time cooking and cleaning together. Why not do the dishwasher for him when his mom visits so he can spend a few extra minutes with her in the evening, and she won't be compelled to criticize?

Totally agree with you on the laundry thing, though. John has to wear shirts that can't be put in the dryer, well, I CAN put them in the dryer, but then I have to spend all day pressing & starching them after, so I take them to the laundress. John is happy to pay for the service, but if he ever wanted to revise our budget and cut that out, he knows he would be wearing soft or wrinkled shirts because I simply don't have time to hang dry each one--even then they have to be pressed, just not as thoroughly.

Alicia - posted on 10/27/2011

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my husband is in the navy so i know how late nights go. when my husband isnt deployed he helps out with whatever he can, because when hes gone i go back to doing everything. I think that if your husband has no problem helping, and its working for you guys then just go with it. MIL's are always there to criticize; take it with a grain of salt and enjoy your lives the way you want to! :)

Denikka - posted on 10/26/2011

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If it works for you guys, don't worry about it. MIL needs to butt out, like Liz said.

My hubby does the trash on a regular basis. That's the one thing I absolutely refuse to do. He'll pitch in,on rare occasion, when I ask. But 90% of the time, I do the cooking, cleaning and childcare.

Jessica - posted on 10/26/2011

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Thank you, Brianna. I just hate the way she makes us feel about it. He works so late most of the time (Army) that he doesn't even do these things that often. But it is a big help on the weekends. Those that he is actually home for.

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