Do your husband's do this?(a little TMI in here too, sorry!)

Lyndsey - posted on 09/08/2009 ( 62 moms have responded )

17

25

0

Ok, so I'm a SAHM now. I got fired from my job back in June and have been looking very hard for another one. We are very sprapped for cash and my husband is really getting on my nerves!! I can have the house clean, have the dishes done, washed and folded 2-3 loads of clothes and when he gets home he fusses at me for not having something else done! We have not done "it" in over a month and a half! We went from 1-2 times per week to 1 time every two weeks and now none! He talks about how "hot" girls are on tv, but doesn't even want to give me a hug! He blames me for anything that happens. He says that our 4 yr. old daughter is going to be behind in school because we can't afford Preschool. (Now how is that supposed to make me feel?) He seems to think that because he has an outside job that he is better than me and that he can control everything that I do! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO!

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

[deleted account]

Hi there again.lol write it down and give him, a note men respond better when they can process it themselves in there own time a note is perfect for that...but make him take it to work so that he has time to think about it...give it a try it cant hurt..:-)

Brenda - posted on 09/08/2009

2,386

62

258

I don't think most men that work full time get it but sounds like to me he needs to seriously lay off. My first thought, he's feeling insecure about himself. My husband is great at this scenario. He needs to start feeling better about himself, and he may have some mild depression going on. My husband gets the "we're in bad financial situation because I suck as a man and don't make enough money". It is quite likely he's going through the same thing. Its always easy to blame someone else when you feel like it is all your fault... I'd recommend counseling to be honest (sorry I'm a counseling grad student, have to do it). It might make a significant difference in the way he feels about himself and the way he treats you as well.

62 Comments

View replies by

Karen - posted on 09/17/2009

53

0

2

Goodluck! My husband is his twin! I have 4 kids... all involved in extra activities and go to three different schools. I volunteer with sports, schools, etc. I keep our house virtually spotless...ok, there may be a cobweb in a corner from time to time, or a shelf on a wall might could stand to get dusted... but never dishes piled up, no clutter, laundry is always done, tub, toilet and sinks scrubbed and at least our bed is made... daily. Oh, and did I mention dinner is on the table by 6 every night and it's usually something from scratch? And yet somehow, he will find the ONE thing I didn't accomplish today when he gets home from work.

It's a man thing. For one, he doesn't see what you do because he isn't there to see it... those pants wash themselves, don't they? And that plate he's eating dinner off of... I'm pretty sure they just magicly appear in the cupboard, clean!

You have a choice... give him a reality check... stop doing things for a day or two and see if he notices just how much you do get done in a days time. Or, ignore the things he says.

As for the intimacy part... the only advice I can give is... make it a point to get up every morning, do your hair and makeup, get dressed, etc. so that you look good for him. I have a bad habit of being in sweats and a hoody when my husband gets home and I know I'm not getting so much as a hug when I do that.

Dana - posted on 09/17/2009

6

35

0

What changed my life was reading "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura I strongly recommend reading it if you are having marital problems... Its not what you think... I even learned a few things about my girlfriends in it and why we all gossip! ^_^

Lyndsey - posted on 09/17/2009

17

25

0

Thanks to all who have replied! I ended up writing a really good note to him to tell him all the encouraging things and how much I love him, ect. He had all day to think about it and then that night he kept blaming me for things. So, that night I had to write the hardedst things ever, I had to threaten him w/ leaving and taking our daughter. That one did it! He was so upset and finally talked w/ me about everything and so far things are going a lot better! Thanks to a whole lot of prayer!!



I do not appreciate Amanda Clark judging me and my family by saying "obviously you folks aren't Christian." I have you know that we both are Christians and we are members of Faith Baptist Church. We are going through a lot right now! Just because we are Christians doesn't mean that we are not going to have some problems! The Devil pulls on us all and we as Christians have to trust that the Lord will hold us and take care of us if we trust in Him!!!!

Nyssa - posted on 09/17/2009

15

18

0

Being worried about money can definitely put a damper on a man's sex drive. And lack of sex can definitely make him irritable.
My 4 year old isn't in preschool. Your daughter will be fine. I don't know if you have VPK in your area, but it's free (Voluntary Pre-Kindergarten), unless you WANT to pay for her to go to a private preschool.
I don't know what you should do, but I'm sorry he's treating you like an indentured servant.
But kudos on having the house clean, and the laundry and dishes done at your house!

Jacqueline - posted on 09/17/2009

15

2

1

I've been a SAHM for four years. My husband used to do the same thing and he still does occasionally. But it is very hard being a one income family and when the financially burden is (as they feel) "all on them" we know that it effects us too, the they don't see it that way. So long story short, the stress put him into a deep state of depression. Now that he is medicated (lol) things are getting back to normal. Also, I have just started my own business and now on the weekends the kids and the house chores are on him and he now realizes that it's not as easy as he thought it was.

Hope things get better.

Heidi - posted on 09/17/2009

5

11

0

Hi Lyndsey, I'm sorry to hear about your work situation but you'll get through it. As some other mothers have said, he is insecure and he is also envious. You can't change that about him but you can try to make things better. You should try to make some time for the two of you to get together and talk about everything that is going on in your relationship and tell him that he needs to understand that if he can't learn to respect you that things will just get worse. Let him know how he makes you feel and also give him an opportunity to tell you how he is feeling and what really bothers him. There is always two sides to a story and you both need to listen to each other without being hurtful or raising your voices. I wish you much luck

Jennifer - posted on 09/17/2009

11

8

0

I agree with the mom who says you don't need preschool to have a smart kid. I teach my kids everything they need to know before kindergarten and the teacher is impressed. My son, now a 1st grader, graduated kindergarten "top of the class".

Doralis - posted on 09/15/2009

11

31

1

Wow I'm sorry he is being a prick to you... I know how stressful it is to not have a job. I have been looking desperately everywhere and still no luck. Try to find the best time to sit with him and talk seriously about how his behavior is affecting your relationship with him. Tell him he is hurting your feelings and that you are trying your best to stay busy at least cooking and cleaning and that you are grateful he is still working to maintain the family but would appreciate some love and affection. Oh and No one is better than anyone... he could loose his job too and be in the same stressful situation as U. Good Luck sweetie ... xox

[deleted account]

Your husband gets on my nerves, too! I could say many things, but all I will say is this: it sounds like your temp. is rising fast and there's gonna be a big blow up!!! You need to communicate your feelings to your husband, be stearn and at least be sure he hears you and understands the consequences of not 'hearing" you. Then blow up! You don't deserve the sort of treatment you're recieving and your daughter should not witness her own mother being treated disrespectfully. You are angry because you have every right to be! Hold up for yourself, because no one else is going to. AND, I'm sorry for saying so- I have never responded in this way, but, I'm in shock of the first couple of responses you got. Since when, ladies, do we reward mens unexcusable behavior with dinner and lengerie?

Michele - posted on 09/15/2009

3

21

0

I totally agree with Brittany! Try those things and I pray that your husband comes around. Staying at home isn't a easy job and alot of people think women like us are just lazy women who don't want to work. Sit down and have a long, but serious talk with your husband and just express yourself. Just because your little girl isn't in preschool doesn't mean she'll be behind because as parents we have a job too. He shouldn't totally rely on preschool to teach your little girl everything anyway. I see no reason for you guys not to be having sex because of you not having a job. I mean it just doesn't make any sense to me. Good Luck to you and please let us know what happened!

Cassandra - posted on 09/15/2009

10

10

0

Don't listen to the men they don't realize how hard it really is to be a stay home mom, the watching the child(ren) plus clean, cooking and some times not having time for your self for at least 5 mins. and about preschool they have help for the low in come family's also tell him that your child will not be behind in school b/c Preschool is about learning to apart from mommy and being with children there own age. You need to think on how strong you are b/c they will never be able to do our job as the mommy role, just think of it can your husbands deal with there children 24/7 not being able to get sick, can't do what they want or even have some time alone I tell him husband that when he goes to work that's his vacation time away for 8 hrs everyday that being at home i get 1 min maybe to enjoy that time.

Patricia - posted on 09/15/2009

10

11

2

Lyndsey, I completely understand how you are feeling. My boyfriend does the same thing with me. Our son is 14 months old and nothing around the house is ever good enough for him. I quit my job when we had our son with the belief that I would be going back to work and then the economy crashed, so needless to say I'm still at home. Which I love because I get to be there for every first my son has which has been wonderful. But, I'm at the point where I'm tired of nothing being good enough and him doing anything he wants when I'm not allowed the same opportunities. I've decided that I am going to find a job, and contribute to the household expenses. Then he won't have the excuse that I don't work as a way to make himself look better than me. My boyfriends mom has agreed to watch our son so that I can work in the evenings, so as soon as I can find a job, I'll be back at work. I've tried putting my foot down with him a couple times and explain that just because I don't work outside the home doesn't mean that I don't have a full time job. It works for a week or two and then he's right back to his old ways, so I'm not really sure what you could do to get him to understand. Maybe you should ask him to take a vacation and make him do the housework for a week and see what it feels like to not be appreciated. I know as far as suggestions I'm not much help, but I just wanted to let you know that you aren't the only one out there feeling this way. I'm here for you if you need someone to talk to.

Esmeralda - posted on 09/15/2009

83

92

15

i am soo sorry you are going through this.

losing a job is something hard on you and your family.

i don't have much information i can give you, but let your dh know how you feel, and tell him you are trying your best to get another job. i am lucky that both me and dh lost our jobs at the same time, because we worked for the same company (okay not much luck, but better than in your situation, 1 still has a job, and the other doesn't) although my dh blames me also alot if things are not going as smootly as he likes, i explain to him it is not my fault. and although men are stubborn at times, if you show him it hurts alot, he should 'bend a bit more'.

good luck.

Mel - posted on 09/14/2009

64

17

3

Hey Lyndsey. I hear you LOUD and clear! I have always been a SAHM but i do some work on the weekends here and there. You know what i have learned?? NOTHING makes them happy! My husband and I are really struggling in our relationship and last year we seperated for 5 months. Due to a lot of things. I understand that you may feel like he looks at you like you do NOTHING. this is unfortunately the universal song for SAHM's. No matter what you do through the day, its never enough. You can scrub the floors, walls, washing, beds, somewhere in there you manage a shower for yourself, oh and then theres the kids to pay attention to, take to the park, help, prepare breakfast lunch and dinners for, wash the dishes, then the toys end up all over the house.........the list goes on and on. I tell you its very important for you to not lose your grounding. The thing that is important to remember is that YOU know you are there for your children. You know that you are doing what is required of you by being at home. Your hubby needs a shake up. Sorry. ANd as for doing 'it' IM sorry girl, who can be bothered. I honestly think that staying home with children and keeping up with the house is the most tiresome, draining yet rewarding thing i have done. Im not sure how you feel about staying at home, but im sure you are doing a great job. Keep up your strength, and you know what, when your hubby comments on all the 'hot' chicks, remind him what planet he is on!!! Its not right to talk that way in front of his wife!! ANd also remind him that YOUR HOT too!!!!!! :-)

Im a very modern house wife and dont believe in the 1950's way of life where the wamon must pander to the husband. I mean let him know how much you appreciate him, and the work he puts in. Let him kow that he is important, and let him know too that you are EQUALLY just as important. You are raising his children!

GOsh i could rant about this for ages.....:-) i just hope that you get your groove back and realise that you are worthy and totally hot!!!! :-)

Amanda - posted on 09/14/2009

28

30

0

Hi again! Is Im sure you noticed by my previous post I to am a bible believing christian. But I would like to say that you can be a christian and use a dfferent version of the bible than King James. I go to a church in Southlake Tx called Gateway.

www.gatewaypeople.com

and many different versions are used to get the point across. God's word does not return void no matter what version you are using. I will say that God is the answer to this and all problems. You both have to be willing. I agree that getting involved in a bible believing church is not only a great way to be taught God's word but also the fellowship of others that are probably going through the same types of things in this ecnomic time. I do agree with other posts that your husband is feeling the stress of being the sole provider. But he is not your provider God is our sole provider we would have nothing if it was not for him. We are saved by grace. A free gift from the father. All we have to do is believe that God sent his son to die on the cross for our sins so that we might have eternal life. It is by faith in God on which our salvation stands not works. there will never be anything that you can do to earn your salvation through Christ as I said its a free gift. God loves you and wants a personal relationship with you. He just wants you to cry out to him.

I will leave you with this verse Jeremiah 29 11:14

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you," declares the LORD,

I will be praying for you and I hope this is a blessing to you and your family.

Jennifer - posted on 09/14/2009

15

4

1

Im sorry your going through this hard time. I understand how you say because he has an outside job it makes you feel bad. I stay at home and feel the same way sometimes. BUT you are raising YALLS baby!! That is the hardest job out there. He prolly wouldnt last a couple of hours staying at home with her! You need to tell him how hes hurting you and how he needs to be supportive! I understand the it thing we go through that. But when they are not being nice to you thats the last thing you want. So tell him if he cant be nice to you outside the bedroom thn he sure is h isnt gonna get anything in the bedroom!! That may not be the right thing to say but that is what I would say. It takes two!

Daniela - posted on 09/13/2009

20

6

1

well that sounds really familiar, ima stay at home mum and i told my boyfriend iw anted to ge t ajob and i was told no im not allowed to because i have to stay at home and cook and clean and everything i have gone from working to looking after my baby. well anyways we took a break and things are good once you get back together.

Amanda - posted on 09/13/2009

8

2

0

It seems pretty obvios that you folks aren't Christian, or he would be aware of the fact that he is to love you as Christ loved the church & gave himself for it. Ephesians 5:25 (King James Version is the true Word of God.) and by what I've read, you are doing your part as wife & mother by fully meeting the needs of your family/household as best you can while the husband provides. I STRONGLY suggest you find a King James Bible preaching church & go yourself if he won't go. If you are not saved, take care of that & pray for peace in your family. The Lord will bring your husband in & when he gets straightened out by God's word, he will learn he shouldn't pay attention to those other women, but to the wife God has blessed him with. Proverbs 18:22 If you want to see what God expects of you as a wife, His instructtions are simple enough. There are online Bibles if you don't have one. Ephesians 5 :22-33 I've been through a lot with my hubby too & without God in our marriage, we would be no more. Trust me. I will pray for you. Must admit the first thought I had was to tell him he's a jerk. >.< But that would just make it worse. Take care

Marielle - posted on 09/13/2009

8

3

1

I’m a first time mom with a 17months old son, I was on maternity leave for a year (i live in Canada btw) then went back to work in march this year. I'm lucky my sister lives with us so she watches my son during the day then i get home at 2pm and take care of my son, At times i'm too tired to cook or clean and if my boyfriend gets out of line and say something i would punch him in the head (LOL not really). He works 8-5pm and comes home and expect food to be done and his underwear clean (lol) i guess i'm weird but i tell him i'm not his mother. I do laundry on Saturdays and Sundays if you run out of underwear before then you can clean them yourself. He has never bathe our son and i can count in one hand the times that he has changed our son's diaper. he only help out in the house after if i'm either begging or bitching for a period of time. the only person that understand what i go through from day to day is my sister, since she stays home with our son and then go to work from 3-9pm and work sat-sun. your husband is a jerk if he expect you to be do all the things you already do and more. but i agree with some of the comments, you should talk to him about how you feel. i find that when my boyfriend gets out of line and doesn’t want to help i DON’T want to have sex with him. I get pissed and the last thing that is on my mind is sex. I have work, a wonderful son, and i have to clean, cook, do laundry AND have sex?? lol i don't think so, i guess if i have to cut back on some things sex will be it.

Lisa - posted on 09/13/2009

1

4

0

omgosh! I do not feel alone on this site! We are all the same, money is tight, taking care of our precious ones all day, everyday, husbands/boyfriends work (mine is laid off for along time) Doesnt do anything, but layaround being lazy, playin online poker, and your the one doing alllll the work! They treat you like a piece of trash, on occasion when you beg and they feel like it they lift a finger to maybe take the trash out or give the boy a bath! Ahh I can finally get a shower! lol...I feel not so alone today.

Sarah - posted on 09/13/2009

12

31

1

I too am sorry to hear that you are being treated like that in a time that is not easy for you either. I think he needs to help himself get out of his own "rut" and he is taking it out on you. Hopefully he will wake up and realize that he is causing you pain and stress and that isnt fair...in the meantime all I can suggest you do is PRAY! That is the only thing that will turn him around ;) It worked for me. Also, I know that finances are an issue for yall now and if you would like help with that please contact me. I work from home and I help others be able to do the same! All I do is help other families and it has been very rewarding for my family! You can check out my website for details or message me anytime! Hope this helps! http://www.MomsUnite4Freedom.com

Amanda - posted on 09/12/2009

28

30

0

I am sorry about your situation. I am from Texas and we have a ministry here that has what is called a Quest for men and Heart Quest for women. It was started and based in Texas and it is now in North Carolina and Michigan. I dont think that this is a coincidence that I am reading your post. After I read it the first thing I thought was that your husband needed to go on a quest and so I looked to see where you were from and Your from NC. here is the website it does cost to go and I will admit its a chunk of money but it is worth every penny. I and my husband have both been on it as well as most of the people in my family. God can do amazing things. There is no limit to what he can do. here is the website.



http://www.fellowshipofthesword.com/



please let me know if this speaks to you. I will be praying that if this is meant to be that your husband will go on Quest and the funds and days off will be provided.



Heart Quest is amazing also. Two be honest it is said that being a stay at home mom is like having two full time jobs. I will be praying for your situation.

Bonnie - posted on 09/11/2009

39

35

6

First off, let me say that being a SAHM will be the hardest job you will ever have and yes, most men do not and never will understand that. Secondly (and I know most who read this won't like it but...), cut him a little slack. Being the SOLE provider financially is a seriously stressful situation. While he is at work he is thinking about whether or not you will even have enough money to buy groceries to fix dinner, to keep the lights and water going, a roof over your head, etc. That is some serious stress! Yes, you work very hard at home and he should acknowledge that but recognize the stress he deals with too. Thirdly, like most everyone else said...teach her yourself. There are lots of free schooling resources online. Print them off and have "school" everyday for 30 minutes with her. Read a book with her every night before bed. Before you know it she'll be reading to you. Fourthly, you will need to be the one to break the ice on the sex front. After that long without, men (whether they admit it or not) start to feel they are not attractive or worthy of attention. Show him you still want him sexually. After a few intimate times together he may just lighten up over everything else. If all else fails, it's a great distraction for both of you!! Hope things work out in the long run!

Crystal - posted on 09/11/2009

88

6

3

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear this! Men can be such jerks sometimes!



Don't let him make you feel bad. You are your daughter's world; if she sees you stressed and unhappy, how do you think her world suddenly looks? Don't let him run you down. You're doing a great job and he needs to get a handle on hiimself. It does sound like something is going on with him that he needs to discuss with you - maybe stress from his work, maybe something is going on there and they're talking about layoffs and he's just scared, or maybe he's just thinking he's superman and is just being a jerk.



I agree with the idea of trying an evening for yourselves with the little one at a family member's house. That might help - IF he'll listen to you. Men seem notorious for not being able to listen to a thing we say. In that case, do try a note. You articulate well on here so you will in a note to him. Put it in his lunch where he'll have to read it in his own time but it might take him a while to get around to talking to you about it, since men seem to take their sweet time to figure out something is wrong, let alone doing something about it. Notes work, believe me.



You can't guarantee he'll read it, but 99% of the time men do read the notes we leave. And if nothing else - make him listen. Do what in your judgement is best b/c only you will know. But make sure he understands this cannot continue - he is not, never was, and never will be better than you. Make sure he understands that if this behavior continues you're going to eventually get tired of it. And stick to your guns; don't say one thing and then let him bully you into another.



As for your little one, pre-school isn't all that. She'll be fine. I didn't go and was in honors classes all through school. She'll learn better from you than she will from anyone.



*big hugs* Best wishes, good luck, and please let us know how things go. I hope things work out for the best for you.

Jackie - posted on 09/11/2009

2

22

0

OMG! i've been there still going through those same exact things house cleaned laundry done dinner cooked ,and god forbid we dont do "it "in two days never mind a month all hell breaks loose he's cranky and moody as if i have to always be in the mood i work too i tell him but because he's the provider for now he feels like he's superior and has the upper hand i tell him since u think my job is so easy stay home a whole weekend with the kids and tell me whose job is harder. i really dont have the answer but just stay strong and know that you are a wonderful mom and great wife and it will be his loss if things dont work out and if u figure it out let me know. take care.

Cheryl - posted on 09/11/2009

2

20

0

I also write a note to my husband when I'm not happy with him. That way it doesn't become a screaming match and he can't inturupt when you are trying to get your point accross. Have you seen the movie Fire Proof? Set an evening aside...get a sitter...have dinner ready and watch the movie together. I didn't even tell my husband what the movie was about, I put the movie in a gift bag with some recees cups (his favorite) and gave it to him while we were eating dinner. I rented the movie because I didn't want to spend the money to buy it. I also recomend buying the book The Love Dare. Good Luck!

Dana - posted on 09/11/2009

1

3

0

my son was ahead because he didnt go to preschool he learned a lot at home for me .it sucks i know do a 30 min quick clean befor he gets home and pick the major thing to do durring the day with kids & husbands it isnt easy to get every thing done in a day but its hard to get it through there thick heads that were not sitting around all day watchin tv .

Crystal - posted on 09/11/2009

8

13

0

Quoting Lyndsey:

Do your husband's do this?(a little TMI in here too, sorry!)

Ok, so I'm a SAHM now. I got fired from my job back in June and have been looking very hard for another one. We are very sprapped for cash and my husband is really getting on my nerves!! I can have the house clean, have the dishes done, washed and folded 2-3 loads of clothes and when he gets home he fusses at me for not having something else done! We have not done "it" in over a month and a half! We went from 1-2 times per week to 1 time every two weeks and now none! He talks about how "hot" girls are on tv, but doesn't even want to give me a hug! He blames me for anything that happens. He says that our 4 yr. old daughter is going to be behind in school because we can't afford Preschool. (Now how is that supposed to make me feel?) He seems to think that because he has an outside job that he is better than me and that he can control everything that I do! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO!


She isn't going to be behind, teach her yourself... its better that way anyways because you get to teach her instead of some other lady or guy doing it. You will have more time with your daughter and thats always a good thing. My hubby was addicted to porn and used to make little comments about how i wasn't sexy or how this outfit would look better on me if i were skinny. I think men like that are jack asses and I hope things get better for you. It took me leaving my husband for a few months with my kids for him to realize his wrongings and he realized how much he loved me.... i can honestly say that it was the hardest thing i ever had to do, there was even talk about divorce and what not. But things are going great for our little family now. I'm not saying leave him, but tell him how you feel and if he doesn't understand or try to fix things it will be on him and then make your choice. Do what's right for you and your kids... Don't fix yourself all up just for him, do it for you... etc. This isn't his life it's yours and your childs.

Nicole - posted on 09/11/2009

12

37

1

Sounds familiar. Honestly... Send L.O. to grandma's for a night, and when DH comes home from work be waiting in the cutest "pin up girl" outfit you can come up with. How can he resist. Lack of sex in a marriage can be very tough, and frustrating! After all the tension has been released tell him exactly how it's making you feel. I know it sounds so cheesy but how else will things get better? Also ask what you can do to make things better for him! Don't know if your religious but saying a prayer always helps too..

Cindy - posted on 09/11/2009

189

34

20

I'm so sorry to hear about you job, I was kinda going through the same thing except from the start I was a stay home mom. I could not afford to put our son into day care the money would not have been there with my job. Mu husband use to joke around saying all I do is sit on my tail all day and that would my my blood boil really bad and he knew that. So one day I decided to leave for 2yrs not telling him where I was going and leaving our 3yr old with him. After 2 hrs he was calling me and wanting to know when I was coming home. My son has a speech delay he was tongue tied when born and was learning to talk and if you could not understnd him then he would go crazy and throw stuff and yell. When I got home my husband said he didnt see how I could do this all day and night that just 2hrs was to long for him. I told him I did it because I love my family and I said you just watched him I have to clean, wash clothes and cook while taking care of our son and thats not easy at times you can't just set a 3yr old and say stay here till im done it don't work that way. After him seeing this and he started treating me a whole lot better and the love life got better too. I really wish you the best and hope things work out for you.

Kristi - posted on 09/11/2009

236

7

2

Something you might specifically try to help rekindle sparks is to ask your husband to physically touch you kindly (hugs, kisses, etc.), warmly, lovingly 10 times without expecting anything sexual in return for every time he would like to be intimate with you. I have a hard time getting the motors going myself if he pays no attention to me physically and then tries to jump on board with no warning. Especially when I feel tired and stinky after a long day. Good luck - I understand the situation and it's not easy, but you ARE working full time when you are at home with little ones. Try to find balance, because creating fantasy scenarios with babysitters and candlelight is not an everyday thing, especially on a tight budget. Try to find romance in your everyday setting! A little communication during the day can keep you close to one another too. Email him or text him a loving note or picture of you and the kids to remind him he is a family man and you appreciate him while he is at work. Don't call unless you know he's on a lunch break. Try to stay positive in your communication, especially after working hours. Save sensitive or draining conversations for weekends when you have both had some downtime. Do address poor behavior immediately, but try to keep it light and positive, and do try to recognize things he is doing that make you happy in a verbal or written way. Hang in there! :)

[deleted account]

Prior to leaving my career to raise my babies, I worked for nearly 15 years straight as a social worker, investigator, and court advocate in the foster system...all really tough jobs with LONG hours. I can honestly say that compared to being a SAHM all my jobs were a walk in the park! You are working, and you are working hard. Research indicates that for a SAHM each child under 5 is the equivalent of a medical school residency in terms of hours worked and demands on your mind/body. He couldn't do his job as well as he does unless you were holding down the home and childcare. He has nothing to say...he should be praising you. Nobody is perfect and you shouldn't be expected to have the house sparkling for him just because he doesn't work in the home. It's his home too, and it's his child too, wtf is he adding besides the paycheck? Because it takes more than that. You'll get another job, don't worry. But the way you are being treated is unfair, disrespectful, and abusive. Nobody deserves that.

Cristina - posted on 09/10/2009

327

35

19

OH MY GOSH! I really thought that I was alone in this, I lost my job then one week later I found out i was expecting, it has been tough because I've been looking for a job for about 8 months now and nothing, my husband tells me the same thing and "it" has taken the back burner too, I really think our men get really stressed and take it out on us, regardless of all the hard work we do at home.
One day I got really upset and stopped it all, well everything but feed and bathe the baby of course, I didn't do anything for 2 weeks- although it killed me to see my house upside down, he came home one day and asked me what was wrong, I told him, what do you mean?' I thought you said I didn't do anything at home, but be with the baby, right then he got it, doesn't mean he changed much but he got it. I did speak to him about the hurt he was causing, because lets be honest, we want to feel validated at home for all the hard work we do, even if we don't get paid for it. If there was a price for our work $ 4,000 a week for sure, no less for me.

Iris - posted on 09/10/2009

130

20

3

Well I am married stay at home mom/housewife. My hubby and I are very strapped for cash too. I took in babysitting.. I babysit a little girl. I don't make alot but , what I do make helps out. And ur daughter don't have to go to pre-school. Let her watch the childrens shows on tv. They do learn alot from those childrens learning shows. Men don't understand what we go through at home. My husband has a couple of tv on screen girlfriends. It is normal for them to dream about women like that. But not paying attention to you, now that is wrong. he is acting like a jerk..Well put ur foot down and tell them to piss off and grab a friggin brain.. A mom/house wife's job is 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, at least he gets to come home and relax.. U don't til ur daughter goes to bed. And if it stil does not work, then go out for the day with ur daughter, like visit a friend or something and dont do nothing, not even cook dinner.. Men don't realize what they would do without us doing things for them...

Donna - posted on 09/10/2009

3

9

0

I am sorry to hear about your job. I really wish there was an easy answer for you problem. Sometimes stress especially about money is a really big issue in a marriage. I can tell you not to feel guilty about your 4 year olds education. I am a stay at home mom of 12 years now. My oldest is in 12 and was never in preschool. She is an Honor student who will graduate in the top 25 of her class. When your child is in school give the gift of reading and always help with extra educational items. (games, books etc.) I think mostly if you have had a really good relationship up until this point the best advice is to sit down and talk to each other. Keep yourself under control even though it is hard especially if you feel the person is not listening to you. Let him know you love him and that you are trying and that this has been an adjustment for him to and that together you know you can both get through it. Remember you are not the only one going through this right now.

Candi - posted on 09/10/2009

6

7

0

Alot of great suggestions here.. Don't know much that I can add.. The note idea does work. When the hubster and I are having "issues" I make his lunch the night before and stick a note in it. That way he can "soak" in what I am saying and not feel like I am just being a nag. As long as you are doing your part as a Mother on teaching your daughter the basics she will be fine. Sounds to me like he is just using that as an excuse to make you feel bad. Unfortunetly that's how guys work... Withdrawel on sex and little snide remarks are how they express to us that things are different and out of their control. They are not ones to say.. "Honey I'm feeling this today"... LOL.. Do you have friends that have children that need after school care or even a daycare provider? That's what I do and with the way the economy is now every little bit helps.. That way he gets the best of both worlds.. Income coming in and a clean house to come home too. Def get someone to watch the little one and have a date night AT HOME so that no money is being spent. Put on your best lingerie outfit and be sitting on the table with dinner.. That would shock him and lead to a great evening... Hope things work out... Good Luck. :)

Annisha - posted on 09/10/2009

6

9

1

preschool is to give your child a boost or head start for k. There will be lots of kids in your childs class that didnt go to pre k. My two oldest boys didnt but my youngest did because the district offers it for free. Your child is not going to be behind because they didnt go to pre k. Dont let him give you that guilt trip.

Crystal - posted on 09/10/2009

13

11

2

Ok I compleatley know what you are going through, I have been a stay at home mom since my husband and I became parents (we now have 3 children) and he has always griped about what I dont get done while hes at work, I can clean the whole house and take care of our kids all day and he will still come home and find something wrong and ask what did you do all day, nothing I see!!! It is so frustrating so most of the time I ignore those comments. The sex thing...we once went 5 monthes without doing anything!!!! So feeling very frustrated I got someone to watch our kids I went out got a new hair cut a new sexy nighty and a pair of ridiculasley high heel, It was enough to put us back on track =)

Jennifer - posted on 09/10/2009

4

40

0

Let me address the preschool thing... she will NOT be behind because she doesn't go to preschool. My son never went to daycare or preschool, and started kindergarten last month with more knowledge than some kids who went to preschool! You can work with her on letter recognition and writing letters and counting and recognizing numbers, and she'll be FINE without preschool. You husband is VERY WRONG about that one!

As for the outside job garbage he believes, SAH moms do the job of at least 3 people at home... and a study was done that showed moms (who wind up working around 92 hours a week staying home), if paid for all they do, would make $134,121... Your husband probably couldn't handle all you do! Don't let him get you down. :)

Randi - posted on 09/10/2009

79

15

5

Quoting Brittany:

SOOO sorry to hear about your job. Really really sucks how bad this economy is getting, making everyone nervous and scared. Sounds to me like your husband is very envious of you because you are at home when he is out making the money. (Having some similar issues with my husband right now too) If I were you this is what I'd do. First, if you have a babysitter (grandmas or best friend preferrably since money is tight) get one for just a few hours one night. Make sure the house is clean, laundry is clean, and house is looking good. Then prepare a nice dinner (you can always find simple yet amazing recipes onlines, haha). And have it on the table when he gets home. If you really want to rekindle the spark... tell him EXACTLY how you're feeling. Let him know how hard you are trying to find a job and that it really hurts you when he says or does the hurtful things he's doing because you want nothing more than to make him happy. Then proceed to tell him how much you love him and how upset you are that you haven't done "it" in a long time. Hopefully he'll pull through, if not then maybe you've got some thinking to do. Losing a job is VERY stressful on everyone. But, a man should never ever make you feel worthless, because you're not!


I'm sorry to hear about your situation. First, your daughter won't be behind in school just because she misses preschool because there are tons of things you can do to not to let that happen. You can work on educational things on your own and as far as socializing, your library probably has some activities that she can do with kids her own age. Second, as much as it sucks, you may just need to decide what is more important to you....being passionate with hubby or trying to make him see things from your view. The dinner is a GREAT idea but if you start it off telling him how he makes you feel worthless and all the things he is doing wrong, you can pretty much throw sex right out the window! Not very many people are still in the mood after being told you are doing things wrong. I would suggest having dinner, talking about his and your day, cute things your daughter did that day, philosophies on things nothing stressful or aguementative then heading to the bedroom. Maybe even making a detour to the shower. It is a proven fact that sex relieves stress and tension, so THEN talk about how you feel. Whether it is that night or the next night, as long as you don't wait long enough that the stress starts to build again. Also, ask for a morning/evening off from SAHM duties so you can have some much needed "me" time. It will give him a chance to bond with the little one as well as let him see how hard it is to keep up the house. At the same time you can destress! Libraries are a great place! They are free for adult and kid activities. You can go spend hours reading, surfing the internet, etc. We have the internet at home but occasionally if we don't have the money for me to spend money on my "me day" I go to the library and check my email and browse. Or wonder the mall, trying on clothes (but not buying), while talking on the phone with a friend...also free! Good luck!

Randi - posted on 09/10/2009

79

15

5

Quoting Brittany:

SOOO sorry to hear about your job. Really really sucks how bad this economy is getting, making everyone nervous and scared. Sounds to me like your husband is very envious of you because you are at home when he is out making the money. (Having some similar issues with my husband right now too) If I were you this is what I'd do. First, if you have a babysitter (grandmas or best friend preferrably since money is tight) get one for just a few hours one night. Make sure the house is clean, laundry is clean, and house is looking good. Then prepare a nice dinner (you can always find simple yet amazing recipes onlines, haha). And have it on the table when he gets home. If you really want to rekindle the spark... tell him EXACTLY how you're feeling. Let him know how hard you are trying to find a job and that it really hurts you when he says or does the hurtful things he's doing because you want nothing more than to make him happy. Then proceed to tell him how much you love him and how upset you are that you haven't done "it" in a long time. Hopefully he'll pull through, if not then maybe you've got some thinking to do. Losing a job is VERY stressful on everyone. But, a man should never ever make you feel worthless, because you're not!


I'm sorry to hear about your situation. First, your daughter won't be behind in school just because she misses preschool because there are tons of things you can do to not to let that happen. You can work on educational things on your own and as far as socializing, your library probably has some activities that she can do with kids her own age. Second, as much as it sucks, you may just need to decide what is more important to you....being passionate with hubby or trying to make him see things from your view. The dinner is a GREAT idea but if you start it off telling him how he makes you feel worthless and all the things he is doing wrong, you can pretty much throw sex right out the window! Not very many people are still in the mood after being told you are doing things wrong. I would suggest having dinner, talking about his and your day, cute things your daughter did that day, philosophies on things nothing stressful or aguementative then heading to the bedroom. Maybe even making a detour to the shower. It is a proven fact that sex relieves stress and tension, so THEN talk about how you feel. Whether it is that night or the next night, as long as you don't wait long enough that the stress starts to build again. Also, ask for a morning/evening off from SAHM duties so you can have some much needed "me" time. It will give him a chance to bond with the little one as well as let him see how hard it is to keep up the house. At the same time you can destress! Libraries are a great place! They are free for adult and kid activities. You can go spend hours reading, surfing the internet, etc. We have the internet at home but occasionally if we don't have the money for me to spend money on my "me day" I go to the library and check my email and browse. Or wonder the mall, trying on clothes (but not buying), while talking on the phone with a friend...also free! Good luck!

Jo - posted on 09/09/2009

46

9

1

well My God! sounds like your husband needs to be told a few home truths. When I was5 months pregnant I was made redundant but my husband was fantastic!!! he designed a new budget and admittedly we had to cut down on a few things but each week I get an allowance and basically as long as there is petrol in the car and food on the table that money is mine. The key is communication!! If he isn't prepared to talk to you or listen to how you feel then sorry, he doesn't sound like someone I'd stay and clean up after all day that's for sure. So what if he has a job. So do you. Without you he wouldn't be able to go to work because he would have nobody to clean and feed his children and cook his dinner. Maybe you should remind him what life would be like without you for a day or two lol. just a thought!!

Traci - posted on 09/09/2009

2,158

2

102

Well, to make you feel better about the preschool thing....kids do not NEED preschool. That's why they have parents to teach them. You don't need a teaching degree to teach your own child to color, sing the ABC's, to cut and paste, to get along with others. In fact, my daughter's Kindergarten teacher has told me she is more impressed with kids who have moms who stay at home than the kids who go to preschool. It's really unnecessary, so don't feel guilty about it. Just make sure you are spending that quality learning time with your child and the child will be more than prepared for Kindergarten when the time comes. Good luck :)

Jill - posted on 09/09/2009

11

4

0

Economy stinks right now and everyone is feeling the pinch and emotions are flying high. We are all in the same situation some way or another. Sounds like he is probably more scared than he is admitting now that the income pressure is all on him. Men can't admit they are scared, they aren't programmed that way. Sometimes we have to say we are scared first to get the conversation rolling.

Preschool issue...your child will NOT be behind for not attending preschool. Did you or your husband attend preschool? I'm in the fabulous 40's and it didn't exist when I was 4. Spending all day with your child is a "priceless" pre-school. It's one on one attention, and the possiblities of learning are endless. When my kids went to preschool, they knew letters, numbers, colors, songs, etc. before they stepped foot in the door. Why, because I was a SHM, and I taught that to them. Preschool is nothing more than a daycare with structure. A place where Mom's don't feel guilty dropping their kid's off while they have some Mommy time. Your child IS in preschool and a highly qualified and respected one at that. You are teaching everyday. Can't tell you how many times we "counted" french fries while we were at McDonald's in the play area, or looked for the letter "A" on signs when we were in the car or at a store. Asked for the "blue" blanket or the "round" orange. Cost of a loving teacher: PRICELESS!

Jme - posted on 09/09/2009

19

10

2

Just remember your kids won't be kids forever. Enjoy your time you get to spend with them. It will be okay! Your house doesn't have to be perfect. You don't have to serve gourmet meals. If you end the day with the same amount of kids you started the day with then it is a good day! LOL

Lindsay - posted on 09/09/2009

4

23

0

My husband does the same thing. Except no sex is not our issue. Sometimes, it seems like when we're together, that's what we're doing. He goes to work for 12 or 13 hours a day and then comes home and never wants to watch a movie or play a game or go on a date because he's "too tired", but he sure does have the energy to do that! And then he goes to bed, wakes up 15 minutes before he goes to work and then it all starts over again. I have a 1, 2, and a 4 year old, so you can only imagine, I not only have my hands full, but my house is a disaster 24/7. And all he does is complains about it. He thinks that meals are cooked and diapers are changed and kids are bathed and laundry is washed and folded, and dishes are washed and floors are swept all in the snap of a finger. God forbid I ever have time to take a shower myself. There are not enough hours in the day to do everything that needs to be done. Point in case is that you just have to take everything one day at a time. Just don't get walked all over, because in the end, you'll be sorry you didn't stick up for yourself in the first place. And along with what Tanya said, write down how you feel, during the day, by yourself with him not around. Then let him read it. You are not the only adult in that house, why do you have to do all the work. Yeah, he might work long exhausting days, but you have a job and you don't get paid for it. And, you're on call every hour of every day. You don't get days off. Yours is more important than his anyway, taking care of kids and making sure everyone is happy. Good luck.

Jane - posted on 09/09/2009

1,488

32

227

i know, our worlds can get pretty small being home all of the time. thankfully, there are a boatload of us out here to help eachother out.

Lyndsey - posted on 09/09/2009

17

25

0

Thanks for the encouragment! I feel so lost sometimes! I'm grateful to have such great people on her to help me stand a little taller and to appreciate myself even when others don't!

Jane - posted on 09/09/2009

1,488

32

227

you're most mens' dream wife - does he realize that???

sounds like he feels the pressure of being the only bread-winner now and doesn't know how to deal w/the stress of that. you definitely need your time together - every family needs a strong marriage as its base. your daughter will be fine socially, pre-school is a relatively new invention. she'll learn as well from you at home before she gets to school as she will in a pre-school.

it also sounds like he may be upset for you getting "fired". some people see blame in it for whatever the reason was that it happened. my husband was so happy when i got laid off - he wants me home w/the kids while they're young. i haven't been able to find a new job either - remind him that there's a recession and NOBODY is hiring and NOBODY has money.

in all seriousness, ask him what his expectations are of you now that you're home. show him the upside of being home - one on one education w/your daughter so she's ready next year to march into school, the laundry is done, dishes are clean, etc. maybe have a soda or coffee to hand to him when he gets home - it is the little things sometimes that make a difference. but he is definitely feeling pressure and out of control which is why he's trying to control his household - it's the one thing he can control. show him he can share that w/you instead of isolating himself. if you have family around, ask them to babysit and just get out to a mall together or a beach, something that doesn't cost a lot.

underneath, our boys are pretty fragile and need tlc.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms