Does any one out there know how to deal with parents that have a toxic relationship?

Caroline - posted on 03/08/2012 ( 12 moms have responded )

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My mom and dad have an explosive relationship. I remember when my siblings and I were young kids my parents were violent to one another. Now all of my siblings are grown and moved out and 36 years later the saga continues. My sister and I have loving relationships and we have solid marriages, but it is like my parents are doomed to live out their years like the movie War of the roses. It is frusterating sometimes to deal with them. I have been in therapy and I am doing great now. I stay out of their drama and we live apart from one another, but still the drama finds me, LOL... So send me your feedback I am happy to hear from anyone.

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Ghislaine - posted on 03/15/2012

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I have to agree with Sofia too life became so much easier when I stopped contact completly with my Dad (he was the toxic one in our family) I still talk to Mum but she knows not to mention Dad as it is a complete no go discussion with me. As I said I also moved from the UK to New Zealand to put some distance between us. On the other hand my brother stayed around and trys to appease both and has ended up so messed up it makes me cry

User - posted on 03/13/2012

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It's a tough situation to be in. You love your family but they are toxic. All I can suggest is to try to stay away as much as possible. Like you already realized, getting involved in their drama only splatters gunk on you.

S. - posted on 03/13/2012

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Aww Caroline that's awful I didn't mean to sound insensitive or anything if it came across that way! In fact you sound like you had it a lot worse at least my mam was although a bit selfish and neglectful she was ok when sober and we knew when her out bursts were coming and also we know when to go home (like at Xmas or family gatherings) to be honest I will no longer be round her when she's drinking on the 12th of december 2011 she didnt know who i was and attacked me then had no idea what happened the next day!

My dad used to say when I leave home he's going to but I escaped when I was 15 and I'm 32 now he's still there he often comes and tell's us stuff that shows she's still the same, she got my dad beat up the other year as she was drunk and calling this guy a pedophile so they set about him! They have lost all there friends and the family never invite them anywhere anymore, my dad spent £100's on camping stuff so we could all go away together but the first night away she was shouting for hours at 3 in the morning and wanting to dround us all in the river! I reckon my dad's always gonna stick by her maybe it's all he's used too now I'm just there to listen as me and my sisters can empathise with him all to well I'm sure it's the same with your dad! at least your dad must rest well knowing you guys are in happier families

Caroline - posted on 03/10/2012

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Glad to know I am not the only one, LOL... I did mess with our heads. But my child is never going to live that way. My family is more important than that. Funny thing is, my mother never did drink but she has bi-polar.

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Caroline - posted on 03/14/2012

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Dear Sofia,

You are so right. I do stay away from all the drama. To be honest it is soo exhausting to be around that much disfunction and we don't want our daughter to be anywhere near the craziness.

Caroline - posted on 03/13/2012

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Stacey, I am going to a doctor appointment, so I will get back with you after I get back home ok?

Bye for now, Carol

Caroline - posted on 03/13/2012

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Stacey,

Hi, no I did not think you were insensitive at all. It is just my history that when people hear my story they say ahh... it probably wasn't that bad, but it was. I hope you don't feel bad I am good now. But just think I have not even scratched the surface of my whole story. I am so sorry that your mother is the way she is. I just don't get it. Parents treat their kids like crap and the kids grow up with problems that are not their fault. Like you my dad has taken a beating from my mother and I left when I was 19 and I am 38 and my dad is still there. When my dad gets mad he wants to tak about all the bad things about my mother but when it is all good he won't listen to me or my siblings about getting out and stop the crazy train, it is time to get off this ride. I use to get so upset with him but now I understand that he has to be the one to make his choice to leave because if he leaves because me and my siblings want him to our dad may resent us and I really don't want that but he is driving me crazy!!! LOL...

Caroline - posted on 03/13/2012

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Stacey,

Yeah my mother does have a medical reason for the way she acts, but I don't let her off the hook. She knows she has issues but she refuses treatment even for her family. I mean from the time I was a little kid she was having affairs and some of the men tried to sleep with me, but they never succeeded. My mother would tell us that she hated us and then leave for days on in with her boyfriend, then return home to four kids and no food in the house and she would throw leftovers from a doggie bag on the table for us to eat. My brothers were so underweight at the time that they were ages 7 and 9 and they weighed about 30 lbs with ribs showing and everything. Our dad was doing his duty to the Army and was in Korea at the time. Our dad often turned a blind eye to what my mother had done to us. Our lives were hard and I couldn't wait to leave. My dad recently seemed to have decided to leave our mother but now has recanted and he still sticks up for her. It makes me so angry but I have to keep telling myself that it is not my life the same thing goes for my siblings. I never go visit and I have stopped all communication with my mother. She is so very toxic to everyone that comes with in her realm so my siblings and i do not have nothing to do with her. But... my dad keeps calling and telling us how bad he is with her but he won't get out. It is like he keeps on victimizing himself though I don't know why. My husband and I and my sister have really solid and happy marriages, but it doesn't seem to matter, i keep telling my dad that life don't have to be this way anymore but he won't get out. It leaves me frustrated. Can anyone tell me some ways that maybe I can at least give myself some peace at least in dealing with my dad? Thanks

Julie - posted on 03/12/2012

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As much as possible be in control of when parents visit - etc.,



You cannot control that they 'see' their marriage is sick ... bu tthey will 'see' what healthy families you kids've established and maybe they will 'see' it -



Limit your visitts to your going to their house so when things get bad you can leave ...

S. - posted on 03/10/2012

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Caroline at least being diognost with bi-polar gives her a slight reason for being like that, you can tell your children she acts out for medical reasons! All iv got to say is "nanna's a drunk" Un admitted drunk at that!! bad for you regardless and no kid should see stuff like that it's not fair x

Ghislaine - posted on 03/10/2012

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I have to say sounds like my childhood too and as you say the war still goes on even though they seperated about 12 years ago only after we grew up they still turn the whole relationship into a drama and yes they do mess with your head so much its hard to describe what goes on with out sounding angry. We moved away and put some distance between my family (husband and kids) and my parents this has worked wonders for us because their behaviour has very lttle impact on the kids because of this distance

S. - posted on 03/09/2012

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Wow you just described my upbringing although the violence between them stopped a while back the aggressive arguments still go on, the stories are shocking I could tell you and it was always in drink! Grownig up in that environment really messes with your head! I would never ever put my kids in that kind of environment

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