Does anyone else get treated like crap for being a stay-at-home-mom??

Angela - posted on 04/21/2009 ( 23 moms have responded )

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Im usually a proud SAHM to my daughter who is 16 months, but lately I have been feeling like Im looked down upon for the decision I have made. I was at a family dinner on Sunday and my husbands parents told me that I contribute nothing to the family and I should be out there working for more money so the burden doesn't lie on only their son. My husband agrees that I'm far more needed at home for our daughter and that Im an awesome mom. It seems that SAHM are treated like the plague and that we are to be avoided at all costs. Its already a tough enough job, I don't need that kind of negativity. I wish there was more support out there for us, it is a terribly lonley and tough job but I still would never regret the decision that I have made.

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Jennifer - posted on 05/04/2009

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You are doing the right thing. I am a big fan of Dr. Laura who is a advocate for stay at home mom's. She just released a book titled In Praise of the Stay at Home Mom. It may be encouraging for you to read. I know it helps me to feel better about the decision I have made to be home with my kids. :)

Brittany - posted on 05/03/2009

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Take pride in all you do. You wear many hats and should be proud of what you do. I have been a SAHM of 3 boys for 7 years now and I would never take it back. My husband likes me home because he knows I run my house better being here all the time then working. Forget your in-laws and know that you contribute love, caring, understanding, compassion, and strength for your family along with all of the other things that you do.

Jennifer - posted on 04/22/2009

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You know, not too long ago working mothers were looked down upon for leaving their children in the care of others. Now, SAHM are looked down upon for not working. You can't please everybody. Don't worry about them, you are doing one of the most difficult jobs in the world. All you need to worry about is raising your child the best way you can.

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Renee - posted on 01/28/2015

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Ha Yea that has come out of my MIL mouth too..I just recently gained knowledge of that..needless to say..I am not really interested in continuing a relationship with her..We made the decision for me to be a SAHM and she needs to stop running her mouth. You contribute nothing?? How bout the savings on day care..gas,food,clothing,and all of that ..we save money by me staying home..I even have gotten to the point where we save money on groceries because I have time to clip coupons and look into the sales also eating healthier ( as I do not by boxed meals anymore I cook fresh) ~ Your Husband needs to address it..and if he refuses YOU address it..heck say how is the meal? if they like it say well put down your forks because I COOKED the meal you are eating..now if you want to finish your meal ..you can either 1 do the dishes in return for the meal or 2 shut your mouth and leave..Sounds like MIL is just a little too involved..

Renee - posted on 01/28/2015

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I know the feeling..I used to work full time ~ and I am now a SAHM as my son was diagnosed a year ago with Type 1 Diabetes so I stay home to take care of him..
This was a decision my Husband and I made..however..my MIL seems to have an opinion about any decision we make. And that has caused issues in our marriage. My MIL has said some pretty mean things about me,and I would just rather keep my distance.
There comes a time when you have to tell Inlaws to mind their own business..I had to block them from my FB because no matter what I posted there were derogatory comments made about me..In general ( as I have friends who are SAHM) I think that when you go from being a working Mother to a SAHM..there is a little disrespect that goes with it ( sad but true). It is like all the sudden you are a maid vs a wife and Mother..I have battled this and it gets exhausting. A SAHM Mom works pretty much non stop..the shift does not end after 8-10 hours. I can understand why so many divorces happen. But inlaws need to MIND THEIR OWN BUSINESS..And if the Husband does not want to address the situation..the SAHM needs to..There comes a time when they are just too involved or opinionated and it causes problems in your household..So it is either choose your marriage or choose to live off the opinions of your parents..................just all depends on what is more important to you..

Julie - posted on 05/02/2009

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That is crazy, but my MIL thinks all I do is sit on the couch and watch tv and that my job is so easy. This is coming from a lady who could not handle staying home with only one child and had to go back to work. I do feel like there are some people judge me and treat me like I am lazy because I dont work, but there are way more benefits to staying home than not! Daycare is not for me! Some people need it, but I dont want someone else raising my child. You are right, being a SAHM is really tough. We never get breaks, and our jobs NEVER end! Keep your chin up and keep staying home!

Andrea - posted on 04/28/2009

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You would spend a ton on daycare! You're saving your family a lot of money & giving you child such a gift. SAHMs don't sit around all day eating bon-bons & watching Oprah. It's a terribly hard job, little or no time for yourself & your boss can be a tyrant. You are juggling the needs & emotions & learning of another little person all day long. You're awesome.

Amanda - posted on 04/28/2009

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My husband is constantly hearing from people he works with, or people he meets while working that I need to get a job also. He tries to explain that if I were to get a job it would have to be enough to pay for daycare, the extra gas I would be using, and have enough left over to justify working. My son was a preemie and his dr. didn't want him in daycare until he was 2. Now that he is 2, I still see no need to put him daycare. I do plan on going back to school and finishing my nursing degree this fall and when my son starts school I'll have no problem going back to work. So I feel everyone's pain. Sometimes we just have to ignore other peoples thoughts and do what is best for YOUR family. Only you know that.

Stacey - posted on 04/28/2009

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I feel your pain. My husband just lost his 2nd job so now he is stressing to find another one so that I can continue to stay at home. Most people wonder why the hell I'm not out there looking for a job more often. It's like, HELLO, I'm taking care of our son right now. We also wanted to have a second child really soon and I don't think it would be fair for me to get back into the workforce only to quit once my second child is born. Sometimes I have to explain to my husband that my job is 24/7, 365 days a year. We don't get lunch or potty breaks and I just don't feel like everyone understands that. My husband does want to have another child and he understands that me being at home is more beneficial for our children and our income. If I did go back to work most of my income would go to a daycare anyway. Anyway, I have put in a few applications just in case because I feel like I need to help take the burden off of him a little. I hope and pray that things work out for us.

Maria - posted on 04/25/2009

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take no notice.... your doing a great job, i went back to work after i had my 2nd child, he wasonly 6 wks old when i went back to work....... im out of work now and a stay at home mum, he is 3 next week and i;ll tell you what i didnt realise how hard it was to look after your own kids.......lol your a brill mum and take no notice to anyone else...

Maria - posted on 04/25/2009

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My husband is happy to work two jobs so I can stay home with our daughter, and he tells me often what a wonderful mother I am. Sounds like you have a wonderful husband too, what you guys decide as a family is most important. If you're both happy with you staying at home, than that's all that matters. I don't hear you saying your husband's complaining, so enjoy the fact that you have the chance to stay home with your girl and just ignore your in-lws, although I know it must be hurtful to hear them say things like that!

Rachael - posted on 04/24/2009

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My goodness that was rude of your in-laws, do they not know that staying at home with children is like having two full time jobs?? I worked until 5 p.m. the day before my c-section and when I was on bed rest during my pregnancy I worked from home. Since we had a hurricane and all infant care on the island disappeared I've stayed at home. I LOVE it and am so happy that I have. I would have missed so many new beginnings in my little girl. Childcare is so expensive and my salary if I were to go back to work would cover that and the gas to get back and forth. So not worth it. They chose to raise their children THEIR way, just because you may have chosen another route does not give them the right to be critical and hateful. I probably would have told them to kiss my behind and left.

[deleted account]

My DH told me and our family that he would rather work a second job, than have me work and put the kids in daycare.

My MIL put it to me this way. In the beginning when Adam and Eve sinned, God punished women with pain in child birth (and child rearing) and men with working to provide. Why should women take on both punishments? lol

Ashley - posted on 04/23/2009

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Quoting Angela:

Yeah my husbands family has not taken any interest in my daughter at all unless its Christmas, or any other special occasion where they buy her a 5 dollar toy. They are much more involed in their other grandchildren's lives. I totally agree with Kate tho, if they had to take a walk in my shoes for a week they would beg me to stay home lol. My job isn't easy and isn't for the faint of heart, but its my job and I love it. I just wish his side would support me more.


my fiances family doesn't make me feel bad but then again they don't talk to me. sometimes i feel bad if i want a new shirt or pair of shoes. but that's my own doing. be thankful that your in-laws are somewhat involved in your child's life. my son is 5 months old and his grandparents on his fathers side have seen him 3 times. they don't even ask about him and when they do they don't ask about him by his name they say how is the baby? they didn't get my son anything and i don't want a darn thing from them.

Angela - posted on 04/23/2009

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Yeah my husbands family has not taken any interest in my daughter at all unless its Christmas, or any other special occasion where they buy her a 5 dollar toy. They are much more involed in their other grandchildren's lives. I totally agree with Kate tho, if they had to take a walk in my shoes for a week they would beg me to stay home lol. My job isn't easy and isn't for the faint of heart, but its my job and I love it. I just wish his side would support me more.

[deleted account]

I wouldn't have put it as bluntly, but Kate makes an excellent point. Ask them if THEY are volunteering to watch the kid(s) while you go to work.

I am glad that I have supportive family members, they know I am doing not only equal work as my husband, but with no sick days, vacation time or paycheque. And who is more deserving of the effort than your own children? Who wants to give their time, and effort to their boss?

The only opinion that matters is the opinions of the parents. And the kids. Go ahead, ask them what they would prefer, Mom taking care of them, at home, or some stranger in a daycare.

Emily's quote: "You know, you're right. She's 16 months old now, she can look after herself. I'll get a job and leave her home to watch the house for me!" is PERFECT. I am totally going to use that line.

Kate CP - posted on 04/23/2009

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Sorry to say this, but it sound like your in-laws are a bunch of assholes. :P

Seriously, though, don't let them get to you. If they want you to go back to work SO bad make THEM watch your kids the entire time you and your husband are gone and don't pay them anything for the work. Make them drive the kiddo around, make all the appointments, do all the cleaning and housework, cooking...Honestly I would tell them to shove it. :)

[deleted account]

Since your hubby agrees with you, have him put his parent in there place!
As far as support, there are lots of SAHM support groups out there. A lot of MOPs moms are SAHMs. Try to find play groups in your area. The kids get to play but the moms get some much needed "grown up" time!

Megan - posted on 04/23/2009

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I agree with you completely! I am a stay at home mom too and while I don't regret my decision, I get the feeling that people don't agree with it. My husband is constantly told that he needs to make me get out there and work, but we both agree that the best thing for us as a family is for me to be at home with the kids. I have stayed home for over 4 years, since my oldest daughter was born. Also, why add another expense to the family by working. The cost of child care is going up and it's already expensive!! Most people don't realize that you can actually save money if one of the parent's doesn't work. I love my life and while it is very lonely sometimes, it's the best decision I have ever made. By the way I am also expecting in July and plan to still stay home with my children!!!! Keep to your guns! You are doing what is in the best interests of your child and they'll thank you for it later!!

Angela - posted on 04/22/2009

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I completly agree with you Emily...I should leave my daughter to do my chores and go back to work lol....thx for the laugh I needed it

Emily - posted on 04/22/2009

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I cant believe they said you contribute nothing to your family. You are RAISING their grandchild! They're parents, they should know how hard that is! It's not like your sitting on your ass eating chips all day with a remote in your hand. You're changing diapers, feeding, bathing, loving, and playing with a toddler.
I would have been so rude to them. You should have said "You know, you're right. She's 16 months old now, she can look after herself. I'll get a job and leave her home to watch the house for me!"

Heather - posted on 04/22/2009

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I also am a SAHM. I love the fact that I can be with my Kids. I have a 10 yr old and a 3yr old. They need me far more than any job does. I know there is alot of burden on my husband,and i am willing to go back to work when my son is in school, but i am needed at home for them right now. I don't care what people think of me, 'nor do I care about how they feel about the decisions my husband and I have made together.Just keep your head up. There aren't to many mother's out there who are willing to do what we do on a every day basis. As for your in-laws, they only say those things, because it's there son.You keep doing what you do, and ignore their ignorance.I'm proud of being able to stay home with my kids and be there for them when they need me.My kids are my world, so I will do what needs to be done for them right now. Good Luck!!



All The Best,

Heather P.

Heather - posted on 04/21/2009

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I am shocked that your family would talk to you like that!

I think you made a decision that is right for you, and your family (hubbby and baby), and your in-laws/other family members have no say, and should keep their mouths shut!



You have the best, most rewarding, and hardest job there is, being a Mom. You are lucky to have it, and it should be cherished everyday. Please don't let family put you down, keep your head up high, and stand up for yourself!



All the best,

Heather

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