does anyone else have this problem with their hubbies?

Dawn - posted on 03/21/2009 ( 51 moms have responded )

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i am a stay at home mom to 2 wonderful kids. but every once in awhile i just need a break. and my husband's usual response to this is to call my mom and ask her to watch the kids. and on the rare occaision that i can get him to do it he acts like i'm putting him out. are they not his kids too? i mean i know that i don't earn a paycheck but i sure do work hard cooking, cleaning and raising 2 kids all day!! he gets days off from his job so why can't i have a day off too? i feel so guilty when i know he's home with the kids and i feel like i have to hurry and get home even though he never rushes home to help me.



today i i have plans to meet with my sister in law and go over party ideas for my parents 25th anniversary...and when i made the plans he was ok with it. well he stayed up all night on the computer so this morning he woke up in a pissy mood. he brought the baby out to me and stomped back to bed!!! i still have to get stuff together to bring and i need to shower etc!!! if i leave the room the kids fight so i guess i'll have to be late.



does anyone else feel like they deserve a day out without the kids? but don't feel like they can even ask for it without upsetting the KING? LOL. sorry had to throw that in there. i mean i made sure that all the laundry was done yesterday and most of the dishes are done so all he has to do is feed them and play with them! he doesn't have to do any chores or anything. i'm gonna go and have a good time but i know after a few hours my phone will be ringing and he'll be going when are you coming home? NEVER!!

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Tayna - posted on 03/31/2009

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I fortunately only have a mild case of this in my home.  One thing that I have discovered in the 16 years I have known my hunny is that if you treat a man like he is helpful and attentive and generous with his time then he will become that.  Like Kylie said, men like to have their egos stroked.  I pour on the praise and he feels good about himself so he becomes more confident in the role of being a father and takes on more responsibility.  Also by throwing out the idea of some "me time" consistently suddenly it becomes "his idea" and then it's okay.  Communication is key, he needs to know when you're at the end of your rope, keeping it bottled up is only going to create a mess in the end.  I really think men are oblivious to how stressed we become, because we make parenting look so easy!  It's natural for us because we as women are more compassionate and nurturing. 



He may think that he is KING, but he's only become that because you've kept quiet about your plight.  You being the mother and wife are truly the one in control, we underestimate ourselves too much, I think you would surprise yourself if you knew how much of an influence you have over your man.  Treat him like he is already the kind of man you want him to be and he will become that and everyone, him included will benefit. 



Hang in there girl!

Kylie - posted on 03/30/2009

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I had my husband well trained before we became married with kids. He worked out even before I became pregnant that I’m a much happier, giving person if my surroundings are tidy and I have time to myself now and then. I am nobody’s maid and for a household to run efficiently everyone has to do their part. His motto is happy wife = happy life. I could not live in a relationship where I do everything with the kids and the home and work part time and he gets to go out and work and get paid and then come home and get waited on. I’m not a nag, I just make sure when my hubby is helping at home I let him know how much I appreciate him and everything he does and I tell him he is the best man and provider and a great role model for our kids. He loves this, men love it when you stoke their egos. When he is with the children I keep a little distance and praise his efforts, he has so much confidence now he can brush a knotty 4 year olds hair without her screaming and can do up her buckles on her shoes while she’s walking. My hubby still goes out drinking with the boys and stays up late playing video games now and then, buts it’s about balance.



 My sister is with a guy that never cleans or does his washing, he refuses to cook or shop or even mow the lawn. She also works 60 hour weeks and has him and her animals to looks after. I’ve warned her she better start training him soon if he’s the one she wants to settle down with. I believe men are trainable; they will do anything for some loving. Hats off  to you mums that have to deal with this and stick around. Your hubby needs to spend 24 hours in your shoes and see how hard you actually work. He signed up for this partnership and father role he should not be allowed to check out just because he works outside the home.



Life is too short to be feeling guilty when you want to take a few hours to yourself once a week.



Anne - posted on 03/30/2009

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WOW!      reading all of these posts is so nice to see that I am not alone in feeling this way!



I wish I could say that sitting our hubbies down and being honest and straight forward would solve all of the issues........however I have learned that some guys are just plain stubborn and selfish.        Maybe they would like to help us out and give us the day off, but then that would conflict with thier selfish nature, so they dont.       So if they do listen to us and wish to help us out and get over thier selfishness......then they run into thier stuborn nature and wont because they dont wish to appear in the wrong.



All of the things brought up in the above posts I have heard from my hubby.       I have also been given the advice that tell them you are going and hand then the kids and just go.        However, I am highly concerned about the state of the household here if I did that so therefore I dont ever do that.



But I have learned, tha tif you are blessed to find a girlfriend and fellow SAHM who is in the same boat as you, the two of you can swap times and still get the time off that we all need, and keep the peace at home.



Sometimes its not wise to MAKE a father just take the kids.     Sometimes its in the best interest for everyone if he has less time with them.     Because some men can only handle the peaceful and calm setting with children.    It has been brought up in this post that when the kids are around thier dad they act up and then when daddy is gone they settle down.   Kids know what they can get away with , and with whom.       They also feel the undercurrents of the parents so they act up because they dont know how to express what they are feeling.    



I could say so much more on this subject but I will hold off for now.



Hang in thier ladies!     And find a good friend to help you out!

Melissa - posted on 03/30/2009

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wow. My husband would complain too that I would ask him to watch the baby when he came home from work. But, I told my husband very early on that this was his kid also and I expected him to help out. Your husband should be more understanding. Has he ever spent an entire day just taking care of the kids, and not asking his mom to take them?? Make him, and I am sure he will agree to give you more mommy time to do things without the kids. I know how hard it is to still have your own interests after kids.

Carmen - posted on 03/30/2009

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I'm glad to see that I'm not the only one with this problem.  I understand that my husband works VERY hard so that I am able to stay home with our 9 month old son, but my husband doesn't understand that I also work very hard as a stay-at-home mom.  He often accuses me of "doing nothing all day" and I am sick of it!  He complains when I have things to do on the weekends and expects me to take my son EVERYWHERE with me...and there are times that it is just not appropriate to do so!  He complains that the weekends are his time to relax and get things around the house done, like cutting firewood, etc.  He just doesn't get it that I need to relax and have some me-time, too!  He figures I get enough of it during the week.  I'm tempted to just get a job on the weekends and see what happens then...I wonder if he could even handle it??  At least then, he couldn't say I do nothing for a living!  I've told him that I'd be willing to get at least a part-time job during the week, but I really don't want to work just to afford the day-care that I could just provide if I stayed home!  But I'm beginning to feel like my home is a prison and that the only way out is to stick my child in day-care and get a job!  And that's the last thing I want to do...I love spending all day with my son!!  Just not EVERY day!

Sezy - posted on 03/29/2009

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Reading all these posts makes me feel so much better. I'm not alone. My partner and i have been together for 8 years since i was sixteen and before bub came along we didn't have a single fight. Now on weekends we are fighting, during the week we dont have time. He is a great guy, he does help, he baths bub everyday and holds and spends some time with him on the weekend but if he cries he hands him back. He wont pat him of to sleep because he says i do it better. Last week end bub was up lots during the night and i was so tired and i asked if i could sleep in since it was a sunday (he didn't have to work) and i didn't get much sleep. He snaped at me and said he never gets to sleep in after he just had 9hrs stright sleep, he did say yes but i was so angry i couldn't sleep and just got up. It feels like my parens help more than he does.

Hayley - posted on 03/29/2009

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Quoting Chrissy:

You brought up a good point, Amanda...I do think that some guys don't understand babies the way some women do (I use the word 'some' because obviously there are lots of guys who DO understand and lots of women who DON'T understand...hehehe). That being said, I also think that dads who work are at a disadvantage when they're alone with the kids because they don't have the benefit of --knowing-- them like the SAHM's do! My husband doesn't know my kids' schedules, eating patterns, sounds of different cries, etc, the way that I do because I get to spend so much time with them.

If your husband acts like he's a little uncomfortable with the kids, it's probably because he is...and doesn't know how to handle everything. My advice is to give him a little bit of time each day with the baby while you're still around....gradually, he'll feel more comfortable and probably enjoy being around even a fussy baby once he knows what to do!!

Good luck, everyone! I realize this is a hot button with alot of women and I really speak from experience when I tell you that it's much better to try to find a solution that both mommy and daddy is happy with rather than expecting a tired man to come home from work and immediately jump into 'action' mode (as much as we'd all love that, it just doesn't happen too much! =P)


Well said! Thank you for adding these insights. 

Megan - posted on 03/29/2009

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My DH and I go around on this. He used to help alot but he was promoted a year ago and things changed. He's a Lt. on the FD and things that are work related tend to be forgotten. Now if the houseisn't picked up he asks what I did all day. Well, my son needs to be driven and picked up from school, 25 mins. each way. He's also in soccer and tennis. My girls, the youngest needs to be driven and picked up 15 mins. each eay and then there is cheerleading, tumbling and ice skating lessons. I also work teaching swim lessons and have fibromyalgia which means some days it's really difficult to move around with out pain. I also coach in the fall. My sister and her 2 kids live with us and we have 3 dogs. I put 600 miles a week on my car. I also have to do most of the maintence work on the house but I'm finding that projects take forever to finish. I wanted to finish putting on the shower door for thek ids bath this weekend but I"m trying to finish laundry and I want to cry because the pain today isreally bad. So, Ill try tomorrow. But, I feel really guilty if I ask him to do anything because of the nature of his job and feel really conflicted because I dont' spend a lot of time or $ on me. If I have things to do it's either work, Dr. appointments or physical therapy. I do get massages but they were Rx to help with the pain and stiffness. All I can say is that I know things will get better again and the only advice I can give is twofold: try and talk honestly about things while having the patience to kow things will get better and find a couple of girlfriends  that you can talk to you and vent and "husband bash". It doesn't mean your a bad person or he's a bad person it's just a release valve so you don't do or say something that could do a lot of damage to your marriage. Sometimes venting and comiserating can make things feel a lot better. Good luck.

Chrissy - posted on 03/29/2009

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You brought up a good point, Amanda...I do think that some guys don't understand babies the way some women do (I use the word 'some' because obviously there are lots of guys who DO understand and lots of women who DON'T understand...hehehe). That being said, I also think that dads who work are at a disadvantage when they're alone with the kids because they don't have the benefit of --knowing-- them like the SAHM's do! My husband doesn't know my kids' schedules, eating patterns, sounds of different cries, etc, the way that I do because I get to spend so much time with them.



If your husband acts like he's a little uncomfortable with the kids, it's probably because he is...and doesn't know how to handle everything. My advice is to give him a little bit of time each day with the baby while you're still around....gradually, he'll feel more comfortable and probably enjoy being around even a fussy baby once he knows what to do!!



Good luck, everyone! I realize this is a hot button with alot of women and I really speak from experience when I tell you that it's much better to try to find a solution that both mommy and daddy is happy with rather than expecting a tired man to come home from work and immediately jump into 'action' mode (as much as we'd all love that, it just doesn't happen too much! =P)

Amanda - posted on 03/29/2009

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My fiance works 50 hours a week and an hour away from home. Five out of seven days a week he is gone 12 hours out of the day. He comes home and sleeps until he has to go to work again the next day. I feel bad asking him for anything because he does work and I'm a stay at home mom. When I do ask him to take our daughter, he does but kind of subconciously guilt trips me about it. When she starts crying he will just give her back to me. He said that he doesn't have the "essentials" to feed her. She's not hungry EVERY time she cries! Anyway... I told him that working isn't a ticket out of parenting. He seems to be better now, but he still acts like he's retarded when it comes to changing a diaper or anything like that. He starts to freak out really bad even if she's a little fussy.



I think it's just a guy thing. They don't have that maternal instinct.

Kathy - posted on 03/28/2009

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I have the same problem. We have a 6 year old and 11 month. My six year old is in the first grade. My husband will not keep my 11 month old for a couple of hours so that I can go and something with him at school or even take him to church to choir practice. He doesn't do anything with him at school or in church. I am also active in our church and I have meetings once a month and on and off the computer all day checking emails and anything else that is going on.
For example at the being of the month we had two deaths the first one was my cousin I had to take the baby to the funeral home with me which was alright cause Hubby had a doctors appointment I then had to make arrangements for my sister to go to the school to pick up my oldest son. She kept him the day of the funeral and I told my husband that he was keeping the baby so that I could go to the funeral which he did I also had to go to church that evening for the singing I ended up taking my baby with me which was alright I had friends that helped me. Then that day one of our church members passed away I told him that I had to go the funeral home on Monday afternoon he called throwing a fit said that the baby was crying I got home and everything was fine the oldest wasn't even home he was still with my sister she was suppose to take him to school but over slept so I told her that she caused him to miss school that she had him all day I would call when I got home so that she could bring him home. I told my husband that he would have the baby all day the next day cause I was going to the funeral I had to actually pay him so that I wouldn't have to deal with it. This man doesn't work I am on disaablity. Plus I had to cook food for the funeral he did help me with that. The other day a friend and I was going to go shopping and looking for things for 11 months birthday party he tried to get us to take him with us she told that I needed a break and that he was going to keep him my oldest son had went home with his friend for a while. I am in the same boat

Hayley - posted on 03/27/2009

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I'm sorry to hear you're having this trouble. Luckily my husband is really good about encouraging me to get out. However I am the one who makes myself feel guilty and rushed to get home when he's alone with our daughter.
Is it possible that he feels nervous to be alone with your kids? Maybe you could try some positive reinforcement (it can work wonders). I'd suggest reminding him of hat a great Dad he is, and how he does a wonderful job taking care of the kids when you're out. Also a genuine "Thank You" can be a great way to motivate people too.
Good luck!

Tiffany - posted on 03/27/2009

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Quoting Shawn:

You are not alone. I am sick of all the things people have mentioned. My dad was never this way, and I don't understand men who don't have a minute for their wives and children all week...and I detest the weekends when he is home and doesn't engage in any activities with us. I think I want to end our marriage....you are not alone. Be strong. I just don't know how much crap is worth it!


Please Shawn, do not lose hope - your marriage is worth it....just remember that you married him for better or FOR WORSE. People always want to hit the run when the worse kicks in. When I hear these various stories of wives bashing on their husbands, I wonder if the simple issue is really that the husband and wife never truly defined their roles within the marriage. It will definitely help so that you both know what to expect from each other and you do not continue to build a valley of resentment. I know it's hard to not feel appreciated or helped within your marriage, but a marriage goes through highs and lows and sometimes the lows can last for a very long time, but don't give up, will get better. If you have to, hire a babysitter for two hours and allow your husband his time off from his job - he doesn't ask you to go to work and do his job, does he. I know this is hard to hear and it's probably the last thing you want to hear right now in your frustration. Please understand I am not trying to add to it only discourage you from giving up on your marriage. I wish you the best and may God bless you and your family.

[deleted account]

Absolutely. I walked out on my husband when our 6th child was a baby. I informed him that I was taking the day off and he was going to keep the kids or I would call DFACS. I left him with the younger 4 only as the step sons were not there. so he had the 3 months old, the 2 yr old, the 4 yr old and the 6 yr old for 14 hours on his own.

I was afraid to do it before that for fear of his temper and that the kids might not get taken care of. I had reached my break point though and planned it out. I let him know two days in advance then the night before I reminded him. No choices.

I left at 8 am and did not come back until after dark. He was the first one out the door to greet me. The kids were right behind. He now gives me time off when I insist without argument. My mother will not come and his mother cannot.

Tell your mother to not be available and make sure he is ready, then leave for your time...no errands. It will not change a lot, but it will be a beginning.

A note....what was he doing on the computer. Check the history. I would. if my husband is ont he computer late at night I know what is up and I get him off. Porn is addictive and makes men surly and mean.

Jen - posted on 03/26/2009

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my hubby is usually pretty willing to stay home with our 2 boys, but i can't get him to do anything but watch them!!  He never even attempts to do any cleaning or anything!  He tells me i need to go out and have some fun every now and again, but i come home feeling guilty for leaving and then grouchy because instead of doing anything productive, he'll sit on the computer and play a game! 



I've tried telling him that he's not stupid, he knows what needs to be done, he just needs to DO IT!!!  But i totally understand about the guilt part of it!  If i do go out it's to go for a quick cup of coffee with a friend, im never gone more than 2 hours or so!

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men are AFRAID!  they don't have the motherly, caring instinct.  they are out of their element when we're not around.  i don't have any advice, i'm sorry, mines the same way.  yes, you do deserve time off.  if hubby is pissy, use the grandma if she's illing and able.  he probably deserves his time off too.

Suzanne - posted on 03/26/2009

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Hello Dawn,



Yes i have the same problem. My partner doesn't get up at night when our son cries, he doesn't changes nappies and when i make him he cracks the shit. or keeps note saying " i changed the last one". Yeah i feel the same about the paycheck thing too. i also feel that on weekend i desevre time to myself and never seem to get it. If i leave him with our son and say i will be home in 2 hrs, if im not in the door by then i get phone call after phone call asking where i am. i feel like i might as well be a single mum cos he doesnt bloody help out anyway..



i often feel like i made a mistake haven my son. i love him but wish i had waited. i feel like sticking it to my partner and saying hes yours too so fucken help out more or im gone.

[deleted account]

We don't have too many of these problems anymore, but it used to be a HUGE problem....until he worked at night....like 6pm-3am or something like that and I worked from 6am-2pm during the day(we only had one child at the time) and so he had to get up and take care of our son, and then go to work at night(I did take over when I came home so he wouldn't be sleep deprived or anything) and now that we have two(going on three) he knows that they wake up and get into stuff and that I have to get up and everything that I have to do because they are the same on the weekend as during the week.....and so anyways getting to my point I once told my husband that he was more than welcome to stay home with the kids all day and I could work full time....and then he could try working part time on top of that(like he wants me to do)....and that was all it took....he works a full time job, a part time(even thought he is not getting hours for that now) and takes college courses online.....he has appreciated me a lot more since he realized everything that I DO get accomplished in a day.....and he has said something maybe twice since then and I just give him a friendly reminder by being a butt and telling him I am going to do errands or something and just say bye and leave before he can do anything.....I feel kind of bad sometimes about doing that, but he gets over it.

Heather - posted on 03/26/2009

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I have noticed that although my husband may have good intentions, he isnt constantly involved with the children, so when he is home, the little ways that he could really help me out just dont dawn on him.  So I end up doing them myself and then he is pissy because I am not happy with him.  I think that goes the same for bigger things, too, like getting out for coffee or running errands without the children.  They become so used to having that freedom that they dont always realize how their wives dont have that freedom.

Katie - posted on 03/26/2009

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omg i feel you. I am a stay at home home, but i am a volenter baby sitter, which means I watch other marines wives children for free. Plus i go to pain managment classes twice a week for my back. so once in a blue moon i like to go out and get my hair done, and when i get home he freaks out ecause of how much i spent and how long i was out. but he can go to the gym everyday for two hrs and i have to be ok  with that. men!!!!!!

Elizabeth - posted on 03/26/2009

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Well I don't know what to tell you to that. I carry those too but as I rarely spend money or take money for myself he knew better than to argue that point.

Dawn - posted on 03/25/2009

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haha! i tried that and he just laughed and said that i get paid enough seeing how i always have the credit and debit cards in my purse:)

Elizabeth - posted on 03/25/2009

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Well we are obviously not alone in our problems. I couldn't ask for a better father for my kids or a better husband really. He is like most of the other men being discussed on here. You mentioned it being easier with him gone sometimes and you are not alone in that. Mine goes to the store with me because I started telling him if he wasn't going he was keeping the kids, so now he goes and I think most of the time I would rather him stay home and I would take the kids. Most of the time now he comprimises with me. I'll keep the older ones if you take the baby. Well it works for us.

We talk all the time and I remind him I need time and things that are mine, that I feel like I am losing myself in my kids and my marriage. Don't get me wrong I love being home with my kids but I have come to value "Me time." With my husbands work the only me time available is when the kids are asleep and sometime last year I decided since that was the only time I can have, I take it, I don't do laundry or dishes or clean the house. I do what I want and teach the kids the resposibility of family and home and have them help with chores when they are up. Good for all of us.

The last thing I have to say is that with my husband what finally got him seeing the unfairness of our jobs was when his parents took us to the buffet for dinner and he went to get his food while I was sitting the kids down. Then when he got back I took the kids 2 at a time to get theirs and then got mine and as with most moms when I sat down and started eating they wanted more. Well before I could get up his dad, who usually stays out of our business, told me to sit down, looked at my husband and asked if this was "normal". When my husband told him yes his Dad had a few choice words for him and I enjoyed a meal for the first time in years. I've never loved my father-in-law more. We talked on the way home and things have been getting gradually getting better.

Hang in there.

And my little pointer if he ever tries to tell you that you don't work. Give him bill for everything you do and tell him you want paid in advance and will workout a payment plan for the past due amount. Mine shutup real quick.

Dawn - posted on 03/25/2009

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thanks for all the input ladies:) i feel a lot better now. i don't want anyone to get the wrong idea about my hubby though...he is a very good husband and father. it's just that he kind of has that i'm the sole provider so i rule mentality. his father had his own business that he ran out of the house and never had to watch them...it was always his mother so maybe that's where he learned it? idk. but when he comes home from work early he will take the kids to the park or just outside to play. and when he's working around here he will let our daughter "help" to get her out of my hair but it's not the same when he only takes then for like an hour. i stil would like to have a whole day to go off and do my thing like he does. every saturday last summer he would go to his parent's house and "work" on his truck that he was trying to get ready. and he'd be gone from like 9 in the morning till after the the kids went to bed. and that was ok cause he thought he was doing something productive. well i didn't think so. but when i wanted him to watch the kids for me one weekend so i could have a yard sale with my sister in law he was very put out by it and kept on bringing the baby out to me to watch so he wouldn't have to!! i wouldn't have minded except that it was about 90 degrees out that day!! it's not like he was doing anything else that day. he was just hanging out. i could see if he was there to work and i was like well i know i'm just sitting here but could you stop what your doing and watch them? he was just laying on the couch!! i understand that he works hard all week and deserves a day too to just vedge and relax but don't i deserve that same luxery? i work hard all day too. i don't get it. but i think my luck is about to change as i've just started my own home based business and will need some days to go out and advertise:) so we'll see...maybe when he sees me earning money things will change?

[deleted account]

Reading all the posts you'd think it was an epidemic may be theres a vacination for it lol. on a serious note though when it started happenin in our family unit i was really thrown, i was brought up by my dad along with my older sister n younger brother and he did a fantastic job and i could not understand why my husband did not want to spend time with his daughter as my dad had done with me. and as quite a few others on here i became frustrated he didnt help when it was quite obvious i was frazzled.i tried talking screaming and shouting to no avail i got help but it only lasted a short while. i had enough and was at the end of my tether so i gave up asking anytime i wanted time to my self i would ask a family member anyone but hubby,id go to my exersize class and my dad would come look after her and my hubby would be sat in the office playing computer games.im gratefull to my family they are understanding. i even went away for a night with a girlfrend to a health spa. I just left him in his office stewing and got on with it. then low and behold he came out one day and said why do i never leave her with him or ask him to come when we go out any where (i think he was feeling really left out) we discussed it and now he offers to have her and spends more time with her, all rules go out the window when they are together but i dont mind so much as long as they are enjoying their time together. its far from perfect but its better than it was i probably wouldnt recomend trying this though it was quite lonley and although i have a couple of good close friends but its not the same as the companionship of a hubby. i think this only worked because my hubby is very stubborn (you can lead a horse to water but you cant make it drink) the more i dug my heels in the more he fought against me but if i leave him to it we are well away lol

Susie - posted on 03/25/2009

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that is a cracking idea I like it. Sometimes you just need to leave them to it its the only way they'll learn how to look after the kids and that its not all afternoon tv!!

Susie - posted on 03/25/2009

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Hi Dawn thats a shame. Sounds like your hubby needs to pull up his socks & be a bit more helpful!  I do know what you mean tho.  I am also a stay at home mum and have 2 kids and my partner is less than helpful most of the time.  I only ask him to get up with our 4 yr old daughter one day a week on a Saturday and he usually moans about it its like Ive had to fight for it, but you cant let them off you have to put your foot down to get them to help.  Susie :)

Susie - posted on 03/25/2009

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Quoting Dawn:

does anyone else have this problem with their hubbies?

i am a stay at home mom to 2 wonderful kids. but every once in awhile i just need a break. and my husband's usual response to this is to call my mom and ask her to watch the kids. and on the rare occaision that i can get him to do it he acts like i'm putting him out. are they not his kids too? i mean i know that i don't earn a paycheck but i sure do work hard cooking, cleaning and raising 2 kids all day!! he gets days off from his job so why can't i have a day off too? i feel so guilty when i know he's home with the kids and i feel like i have to hurry and get home even though he never rushes home to help me.

today i i have plans to meet with my sister in law and go over party ideas for my parents 25th anniversary...and when i made the plans he was ok with it. well he stayed up all night on the computer so this morning he woke up in a pissy mood. he brought the baby out to me and stomped back to bed!!! i still have to get stuff together to bring and i need to shower etc!!! if i leave the room the kids fight so i guess i'll have to be late.

does anyone else feel like they deserve a day out without the kids? but don't feel like they can even ask for it without upsetting the KING? LOL. sorry had to throw that in there. i mean i made sure that all the laundry was done yesterday and most of the dishes are done so all he has to do is feed them and play with them! he doesn't have to do any chores or anything. i'm gonna go and have a good time but i know after a few hours my phone will be ringing and he'll be going when are you coming home? NEVER!!


 

Jackie - posted on 03/25/2009

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Being a stay at home mom myself, I too used to struggle with the issue of feeling guilty for wanting a day off.  But, don't!  It's exhausting keeping up with the house and kids, and a little break now and then does wonders for the attitudes at home.  It's okay to ask for that time, and that might be all you need to do is just ask your husband for his support so that you can be a better ma ma and wifey.

Jackie - posted on 03/25/2009

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Being a stay at home mom myself, I too used to struggle with the issue of feeling guilty for wanting a day off.  But, don't!  It's exhausting keeping up with the house and kids, and a little break now and then does wonders for the attitudes at home.  It's okay to ask for that time, and that might be all you need to do is just ask your husband for his support so that you can be a better ma ma and wifey.

Jennifer - posted on 03/24/2009

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I hear all of you. I took it upon myself this week to set up a pottery class on Wed mornings. Fortunately Nana can babysit then. I am not even telling him, not that I am hiding it, but I have asked to go to the Friday night one since I was pregnant. I went to one class and he called me and told me to come home that the baby was inconsolable. Huh. I shouldnt complain he is a very hands on dad. However he feels that he doesnt go out on the weekends so why should I. Uh because I work 24/7 and I feel like I am in jail sometimes. running to the super market to get toothpaste can be my only alone time or a shower, and someone is usually crying while I am in the shower. MY gfriends that stay at home say the same thing.
More talking and compromising. I am thinking of suggesting he goes out one sat a month and I do the same.
Good luck to us all.

[deleted account]

You are not alone. I am sick of all the things people have mentioned. My dad was never this way, and I don't understand men who don't have a minute for their wives and children all week...and I detest the weekends when he is home and doesn't engage in any activities with us. I think I want to end our marriage....you are not alone. Be strong. I just don't know how much crap is worth it!

Lesley - posted on 03/23/2009

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YES! It sucks! All of a sudden, they seem like they are helpless or the kids are a burden on them when they actually realize they will be home alone! LoL. My hubby says the same thing everytime I say I needed to go do something alone. He says, "What about me? And the kids?" I just say, "FEND FOR YOURSELF, BUCKO. I'M GOING TO STARBUCKS!"

Alicia - posted on 03/23/2009

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my mans the same way...they think that since we dont work that we can't go out once in a while to get our sanity back...i feel the same way when i do go out...i feel rushed, like i'm doing something wrong when really i'm trying to take a little break from everything..."sigh" i don't think men will ever understand how we feel :)

Connie - posted on 03/23/2009

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Amen, I have this same trouble but I just tell my husband if your going to help create them you can help me raise them, but we have had other big problems so I am not so nice about it when he dosen't want to help out.

Soktheary - posted on 03/23/2009

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lol.(the KING)... MINE ToO!!! i actually just got dressed one weekend, and handed the baby to him, with her schedule/instructions on paper...and told him to not call me, beause i will be out having girls day...told him i was overwhelmed and needed to b away...but feel free to call his mom or my mom, or whoever else was NOT me. then when i came back, there was grandma, and a frazzled hubby, so i explained to him that if he didnt start helping me, i was not going to help him with anything, no food, laundry, reminding him, all the little things...it worked. he saw how unfair it was...and how even though im not "working", wife and mother is a 24 hour job.

Angy - posted on 03/23/2009

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hey Dawn - hope you're feeling better.  you definitely aren't alone. 



i don't think it's our DH's intention to make us feel guilty about getting our down time - or that they want to deny us that.  they are just completely different from us.  my husband describes it as me "speaking chinese" to him.  he just doesn't get it.  he hears problem - solve problem, when i say, i feel - i need.



your husband comes home to rejuvenate - that's where he finds his rest, so that he can keep working to provide for your family.  (probably his first concern)  it may be difficult for him to understand why you don't find rest in the same place.



also, our husbands are better at self-preservation then we are.  they are better at knowing their limits, and stopping before they reach the brink of insanity.  on the opposite side, mommies tend to push too hard - forgetting that we can't take care of others if we aren't taking care of ourselves.



if he's giving you a hard time about keeping the kids, it's probably not becuase he doesn't want to - more likely,  he's already got a mental list of things to accomplish (including r&r). 



having someone else keep the kids is simply his way of solving the problem.

Dawn - posted on 03/23/2009

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my hubby is the same except for he does play with the kids. but rules and scheduales go right out the window when he's here! then come monday i have to fight to get back on track with the kids.

Jessie - posted on 03/22/2009

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Quoting Dawn:

that's what i do too!! i always try and get my "me" time in while the baby is napping and i clean the house before i leave etc... he doesn't care to make sure i'm set before he leave so idk why i feel the need to. the only way to get him to see that i need help is to actully act like a baby and throw a fit. and it really shouldn't have to be that way! after one of my fits he will attemt to help out with the cleaning but he always ends up making a bigger mess and then i get even more frustrated. i wonder if he does it on purpose so i won't ask again? LOL!!! sometimes i think it's easier when he's not here though. does that sound weird? my daughter is a "daddy's" girl and he lets rules slide when he's here rather than take 5 minutes and make her do what i ask. but on the nights when he works late she goes right to bed without a fuss and helps me clean up before etc...it's a lot more relaxing atmosphere here.


I totally get what you're saying.  I was actually talking about this with one of my girlfriends the other day.  I've been having some issues with my daughter since I hit my 8th month in pregnancy.  Now the baby's here and she's gotten worse.  At first I thought it was just because of the new addition.  Then I noticed that as soon as my husband went back to work (he took off 30 days when I had my son) that my daughter was improving so much.  I also noticed that during the day when hubby isn't here, my daughter does really well with me.  She doesn't throw very many fits.  The only issue I have with her during the day is nap time, but that's a whole other conversation right there.  Then as soon as hubby gets home, she starts acting up, throwing fits, not listening, tearing up her toys.  I mean it's soooo stinkin stressful that I want to just call it a day!  Then when the weekends hit, it's even worse cus hubby is home all day.  He doesn't help around the house, he plays video games all day, and ignores our children the majority of the time.  So weekends become SUPER SUPER stressful.  I've talked with my hubby about this and he just brushes it off like Oh well.  In his mind as long as he doesn't have to do anything, then it doesn't matter. 



My hubby was raised by a mother who did pretty much everything for him.  So once we got married and had kids he expects the same out of me.  He expects me to do everything while all he does is go to work, eat, sleep, poop, and play video games.  He says that it's not like that, but actions speak louder than words.  After a weekend (I refuse to cook or clean on weekends - that's how I get some time off), Mondays are the worst for me because I have to scrub the house down from top to bottom (my husband's a huge pig and never cleans up after himself) and then make up that cleaning time to my daughter by playing with her and doing something she wants to do.  By the end of the day I'm ultra exhausted and stressed. 



Anywho, my point is that I understand what you mean by the house seems to be of a more relaxed atmosphere when hubby isn't there.  I think for me it's because I have a routine, my children know what to expect, they know and understand the rules, they know when and what is going to happen, plus I give them my undivided attention when they need it.  Hubby refuses to follow the schedule, he doesn't agree with me on how to discipline our children, and he just stressed not only himself out but everyone else around him.

Jessie - posted on 03/22/2009

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My hubby acts the same way.  Like it's a total inconvenience for him, but in the same breath he says that he wants me to have a break too.  Men are walking contradictions.  I think that by playing the guilt trip on you, it's his way of hoping he can get out of watching the kids by making you feel guilty enough about leaving.  I just tell my husband that he needs to stop acting like a child and start acting like a father.  Then I happily hand him his children and head out on my merry way.  SAHM's work 24/7, you deserve at least 1 break a day.  Hubby works the 9-5, but we can't just clock in and out at 9am and 5pm.  So hubby has to learn that he can't clock out either.  Put your foot down and don't fall for the guilt trips.  If he doesn't rush home to help you, then neither should you.

Christelle - posted on 03/22/2009

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Hi Dawn - ooeee looks like we're a few in your boat.  Don't think dads really understand the mental exhaustion after a day with the kids.  No, they do, because they're done after an hour alone! I'm very lucky, although I stay at home I have a cleaning lady-cum-child minder coming in every mornin, and my one boy is in preschool.  So I drop him, do the admin/bank/mail/shopping run and often sit down for a quick coffee before heading back.  But by evening you wouldn't think that any cleaning has been done!  My husband also trains very hard for ultra-triathlons, which means more time away. But then I know once the training of Feb/March is done and Ironman has been done in Apr, some normality return!  The struggle remains though, little time for self.  Now I'm rambling, but it boils down to...steal ten minutes if you can.  Is there a mom's playgroup in your area? I get together with 2 others from my (previous) bookclub (can't go anymore...same reasons!) on a Monday for an hour, the babies do what babies do and we have some intelligent conversation! Hopefully  as the babies get older we might takes turns to take time off.  

Dawn - posted on 03/22/2009

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that's what i do too!! i always try and get my "me" time in while the baby is napping and i clean the house before i leave etc... he doesn't care to make sure i'm set before he leave so idk why i feel the need to. the only way to get him to see that i need help is to actully act like a baby and throw a fit. and it really shouldn't have to be that way! after one of my fits he will attemt to help out with the cleaning but he always ends up making a bigger mess and then i get even more frustrated. i wonder if he does it on purpose so i won't ask again? LOL!!! sometimes i think it's easier when he's not here though. does that sound weird? my daughter is a "daddy's" girl and he lets rules slide when he's here rather than take 5 minutes and make her do what i ask. but on the nights when he works late she goes right to bed without a fuss and helps me clean up before etc...it's a lot more relaxing atmosphere here.

Jennifer - posted on 03/22/2009

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Quoting Chrissy:

Hi Dawn! I feel lucky in the fact that my husband really does step up with the kids when I need a break....but I do feel guilty when I leave, etc. I've done alot of thinking about this and I think it has alot to do with personality. I also used to feel guilty if I left my -office job- early for an appointment or took a day of vacation for something other than being sick!!! (workaholic?? um, big time!). I think it's totally natural to feel guilty when leaving a responsiblitiy even for a few hours....
I would talk to your husband and 'remind' him that you need a few hours every week to do whatever you want...even if you have nothing planned, get in your car and go get a soda and listen to music or go to Barnes and Noble =) Everyone, regardless of their profession, needs some time away...You could also make a deal with him....you get a few hours every weekend and so does he (even though you probably feel like he already has it!!). =) Good luck and take care!!



I agree with you Chrissy about the personality thing. When I was working I would feel guilty about everything such as taking time off, leaving right when my shift was done and calling in sick ( In 5 years I called in sick 3 times) Actually I went into work and got sent home because I was so sick. Now that I'm a mom to twins, I have found my "workaholic" personality to be even worse. I think I got myself into a bit of a rut. When the twins were born I acted like super mom thinking I can take on everything myself. I was too stubourn to ask for help and I felt as though I had to prove to everyone including myself that I could do it. Well I think my husband just got used to me doing everything that he just steps back and lets me take charge. There are times now that I get overwhemled and he just doesnt seem to get it. His idea of me getting away is going to the grocery store or the bank (thats not exactally the break that I need). When I do get away to the grocery store or the bank I always make sure everything is taken care of at home first. I always make sure the baby's are napping when I leave as well, I don't know why I do that. I just can't seem to put myself first for a change. It should be interesting to see what happens when I go back to work in a couple of weeks.

Cookie - posted on 03/21/2009

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" Hello Dawn, Just a bit of advice I learned the hard way, Take that One day OFF on one of your husbands off days, we all deserve an off day rather you have an outing or some "Me Time" reading a book soaking in the tub, You & your husband can come up with a game plan on which one of his off days would be best, even if it's a few hours. You need a break  from the everyday grind of home & kids. Once you start applying your "Me time" once a week you will see that it's well deserved, healthy & a stress reducer. Do not feel like it's a bother to your husband. It's actually a bonus for him one he sees that you fuss less & more attentive to his needs, besides you all are in this together for better or worse with children. Take a stand Ladies & demand your "Me Time".

Chrissy - posted on 03/21/2009

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Hi Dawn! I feel lucky in the fact that my husband really does step up with the kids when I need a break....but I do feel guilty when I leave, etc. I've done alot of thinking about this and I think it has alot to do with personality. I also used to feel guilty if I left my -office job- early for an appointment or took a day of vacation for something other than being sick!!! (workaholic?? um, big time!). I think it's totally natural to feel guilty when leaving a responsiblitiy even for a few hours....

I would talk to your husband and 'remind' him that you need a few hours every week to do whatever you want...even if you have nothing planned, get in your car and go get a soda and listen to music or go to Barnes and Noble =) Everyone, regardless of their profession, needs some time away...You could also make a deal with him....you get a few hours every weekend and so does he (even though you probably feel like he already has it!!). =) Good luck and take care!!

Dawn - posted on 03/21/2009

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we talked about this when my son was born last summer and we agreed to me having a few hours every weekend or even every other weekend. that lasted for a few weeks and then he started taking on jobs on the weekends saying that we really needed the extra money...i think it was more an excuse to get out of letting me out. and i never really go far for very long. in the summer i like to hit yard sales for a few hours with my mom...it's so much easier without the kids!! and more enjoyable. i don't get it. how hard is it to sit on the floor and play with your kids for 2-4 hours. and the baby still takes 2 naps for 2 hours at a time!! wow it's tough i know:) haha!



thanks ladies at least i know i'm not the only one here:)

Cheryl - posted on 03/21/2009

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I thnk we have all been there and done that Dawn.  I had that situation earlier when I was a stay at home mom too.  Honesty is the best policy--I told my husband what I was feeling and told him that once a week I needed to just have a to my self day.  We agreed on each having a day to do whatever we wanted.  his was Saturday and Mine was Sunday.  It worked out well.  Yes, I felt guilty leaving the kids at first because they didn't want me to leave and daddy didn't play with them as much as I did, but separation is good for all involved.  If mommy is unhappy no will be happy.   You will fall into a state of depression (if you haven't already) if your husband does not support you in this.  Don't be afraid to be honest with him and discuss it.... seriously, without yelling and snapping judgements.  Hopefully he will be sensitive enough to listen and want to make things better for you.  My relationship is definitely not perfect (far from it) but we do agree on one thing--we both need some down time away from the kids.  It makes coming home sweeter when you have missed them and been out enjoying yourself for a little bit!  Good Luck to you.  Cheryl http://www.funforkids.today.com

Lea - posted on 03/21/2009

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alot of men do i agree im lucky mine doesnt but alot of my m8 bf does the same , men can be rather selfish, so if u get the chance take as long as u wont hun dnt let him make u feel bad u r entitaled to a day just as he is.

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