Does anyone elses husband do this?

Carmen - posted on 08/31/2010 ( 78 moms have responded )

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When I was pregnant my husband wanted to be a hands on dad, help with night feeds, baths etc. He wanted to have a child before me, I wanted to wait two years into the marriage. He and I did not like child care, and wanted me to be a home mum for two years. But I wanted a day during the working week where I have a day off from baby duties and send him the child care. He said no, so I do baby duties 24/7.

When Jett was born, he lasted about two weeks before telling me I had to do it all because he can not do a night feed and work the next day. I dealt with it. But still to this day he has never given Jett a bath, fed him without being asked. Whenever he has a dirty nappy he gives him to me to change. (lately I have been saying no, so he has to do it)

He also thinks he does not have to do any housework anymore, not even something small because he works. (He works from home)

It is at the point where if I knew he was going to be like this, I would never have married him. I hate him touching me, kissing me, we have had sex once in the last 8 months. He constantly asks me what money I have, and if I buy anything he always asks, now how much do you have in your savings now? and if I get cranky at him he thinks I am hiding something OR more clothes! etc. I am starting to really hate my life and I dont know what to do.

Am I expecting too much of my husband? Is this normal for stay at home mums?

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Tina - posted on 07/07/2011

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My husband sounds like he is married to you as well!!!!
He never has done anything and i don't suppose he ever will. He works hard adn earns a great income for our family. We have everythign we need. However, he always says "I am jsut a paycheck to you." And the past few years I am startign to feel that way.
Like your husband, mine goes to work, comes home and does what he wants. Literally! He plays guitar, sits on the computer for hours and drinks. We dont' have anythign in common anymore and dont have much to even talk about. My life is taking care of the house and kids. He doesn't care about what happens in my day. If I talk about my day, he isn't really listening and fully admits it. He cant really talk to me about his work so we don't really have anythign to talk about. As far as kids go. Well, we have 5. I breastfed them all so he did not help with night feedings ever. I never expected him to get up with kids as he did have to go to work in the morning. However, there is no reason that he could not have done EVERYTHING else for them. Not saying that when he gets home from working all day that he had to take over. What I am saying is that he did nothing. He has probably put kids to bed 20 times in his life. brushed teeth, maybe half of that, and read a story... Maybe 5 times. I think he likes saying he has a big family but he is in NO WAY involved in raising this family. If falls completely on me. I HATE IT. I hate that he is not involved but tries to take credit (in front of people) I resent him very much for this and he really has no relationship with the kids. Some people say it is him missing out but truly it really affects our whole family. Kids don't really even like him and come to me for everything. My quote will be known as "You have TWO parents, go ask Dad." They never do though as he never helps them with anything. EVER. We recently got into a huge fight and he point blank told me that it is not fair to me that I have to do everything and that he just really doesn't care.
I completly understand you saying you would not have married him had you known. I would not have either. He was NOT this man when we married. He must have just lied to me about it all because things really changed.
This is not normal or healthy but happens all the time. Normal would be your husband coming home and wanting to interact with his family and spend time with his wife. Changing diapers should not be a nasty chore. it is loving your child enough to care for them and respecting your wife by giving her a break. My advise. Get him to take on the responsibility now because if he doesnt' now, he never will. And if you hate him kissing/touching/sex now... give it another 2 or three years. Aint getting any better. Personal experience. I hope you can salvage this and make him realize what is goign on and you need a change.

Andrea - posted on 08/31/2010

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My husband helped out alot when my daughter was little, and as much as he can now. I never asked him to wake with the baby at night simply because he had to be up at 4am for work, but when I was sick or not feeling good he would not let me do it. My husband tries to help around the house with cleaning, he mainly does the kitchen, I hate the kitchen! The most important thing he did/does is entertain our daughter when he gets home. He played with her, bathed her, read her stories, and put her to bed. Yes he needed his own down time but out daughter has never went to bed past 7:30pm so he has plenty of time after she went to bed to sit and do nothing. As far as money what is his, is mine. We have had a joint account since we married 5 1/2 yrs ago, I pay all the bills and do all the shopping. He never even knows how much money we have. Not once has my husband said I work this is my money because he knows if he did he would be out on his ass, and all that his money would be half mine. My husband knows he works his butt off so that I can stay home with our daughter, it there are sacrifices we are both making. I hope you and your husband are able to talk and work this out..I know that alot of husbands have no idea what being a SAHM entails until you make them do it all for a day. Good Luck!

Nelly - posted on 09/03/2010

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Well I was in the same situation like you my hubby wouldn't help me at all at first with the baby until I talked to him about it and he had taken a week off of work and he learned that watching our son and cleaning was pretty hard (my son loves it when u pay attention to him if not he crys) so now he helps me every night and calls me from work to see how me and the baby are doing...

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Lisa - posted on 07/06/2011

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I do all the housework but I just get mad at him when he does it because he doesn't do it right. I also generally do all the baths and everything related to the kids, housework, laundry, finances, schedules, doctors, dentists, shopping, etc. BUT he does get up with the kids at night or in the morning if he's home and lets me sleep and he does help out with cooking because he likes to cook.

BUT if I ask him to do something, he does it. He never questions me about money or how it is spent. I used to get really mad and frustrated because I felt like I was doing everything. Then I realized a couple of things. First, women typically have different standards than men when it comes to housework. Two, even if I worked full-time outside of the house I would still have to to these things so I might as well just do them and get them done. Three, he makes my life very happy by working hard so that I can stay home with the kids and enjoy them and watch them grow and raise them and not have them sent to a daycare to be raised by someone else 10-12 hours out of every day.

Kendra - posted on 06/29/2011

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my husband wants to do everything for all 4 of our kids he gets up in the middle of the night to look in on them he takes over when I try to do things to were I have to tell him that its my job as a stay at home mom to take care of things

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no your not expecting too much of your husband.It is normal for mothers to ask their husband for help around the house coz we are just human beings as well and need extra hand to chores around the house.And yes its similar to every stay home mums to be experiencing this.probably your husband is just lack of attention maybe because now that you have a child he probably does think that you have less time together.Maybe you and your husband needs a lot of conversation and time together coz thats the key to happy marriage.

Veronica - posted on 10/19/2010

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My husband doesnt help with our son either! He helps with laundry & washing bottles & some kitchen duties but for being his first son you would think he would hold him more or just help out with him a little. He will tell my 11 yr old to hold him rather than he have to. It's soo frustrating!

Amanda - posted on 10/19/2010

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I know how you feel. I don't think men realize how hard it is to juggle kids and house work. My husband used to get upset coming home and the house was a mess...I had to explain to him that the care of our daughter came before cleaning off the table or folding the laundry. I never asked my husband to get up in the middle of the night because I nursed so I would have to get up anyway. I also feel that I can't or shouldn't spend any money. I sometimes feel that I have to make a case on why I don't think he should get something that our daughter needs a pair of mittens or boots before he does. I thought that the parenting would be more 50/50 but it isn't. I love my husband very much and have no plans on leaving him over something like this. I believe this is something that can be worked out...it might take a litte while to get the point across to them but I think eventually they will get it.

Rebecca - posted on 09/24/2010

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My boyfriend only helps if I ask him to. We decided on him taking night feedings every other night and on nights he has the next day off... well, he plays his video games until 3 am, only takes the 6 am feeding, then says at 9 am his shift is over... we agreed on 12 to 12.. when really it's 9am to 3am on my part every other day, 9 am to 9 am the next morning for most days. I love him and I appreciate he's the only one bringing in money, but he doesn't have to keep reminding me that he's the only one paying bills and we never have money for anything and how tired HE is from the baby k

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My husband helps once in a while until my depression came and then he helped me with most of the work and yet did something special for me.

Lynn - posted on 09/22/2010

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No this is NOT normal!! Your husband is up to something accusing you of all this stuff. Do not put up with this make hime help more. I suggest you leave the house one Sat for at least 4 hours... let him be in charge! He'll see how hard it is!

Bec - posted on 09/07/2010

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oh my goodness!! This is not acceptable!! If you dont like him anymore...move on. I am surprised at reading how many women say that their husbands are like this....there are a lot of good men and husbands and dads out there who would be embarrassed of this guy...disgusting! I wouldnt stand for it, this is not what life should be about...you are meant to enjoy life and SHARE it with someone you love...dont let this be your forver...change it or find someone who will love you for you and appreciate what you do...good luck :)

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You are both parents. You need to tell your husband that just because he is 'working' a day job that it's more important than the job you do raising your son. Understandably he needs his sleep for work the next day but he can make the effort to bond with his son by feeding, playing or doing the laundry on weekends.

Be open about the finances by giving him receipts and maybe a breakdown of what you spend and how. Maybe this is the way he needs to see things in order for him to realise the costings. Let him know you are not a nanny for hire. You are his wife and mother to his child. You have your own life too.

April - posted on 09/06/2010

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it might be because you both are home and dont have a break from each other. try and get a babysitter to do something on your own, to have some you time. yes having a husband that acts like that is normal but he still should help you out. maybe even try and have him take your duties all day on his day off and see if he will respect your dailly routin more. best wishes...

Michelle - posted on 09/06/2010

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My husband isn't much of a "baby" kind of person. He's terrified he's going to hurt any child less than 1 years old. At least that's what I think. With my first child I really had a problem with it but he did his best to do what he could. He made sure he tried to balance things out by doing more housework than me, or something like that. However, once my son was born, he seemed to realize that out little baby wasn't so little anymore, and he gained confidence with her. He was able to start playing with her, feeding her, and all of that. But he was absolutely TERRIFIED of my son. (It didn't help that he was 2 months early) I did my best to understand and eventually we came to a silent agreement. I hope you can do the same.

But, from what I read, you don't seem to be happy with your husband about a lot of things, not just taking care of the baby or house work. It seems that he's overbearing and I'm scared for your relationship. It could turn to be more abusive than just overprotective. I think you guys need some help. Have you thought about marriage counseling? Please do what you can to stay safe.

Mommyof2angels(Angela) - posted on 09/06/2010

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HAHA!!! mine does the same thing!!! he doesnt clean expects me to serve him always. cant even make dinner when im sick. wont change a diaper. has a fit if i even go get formula and leave the baby at home with him (because the baby wakes him up) turns over and ignores our baby when he cries at night. hasnt given him a bath, changed a poopy diaper, and only changed his clothes once. ive done everything to take care of our lil guy. and we also have a five year old too which i do the same for him too.. it aggrivates me how men want babys but they dont want to take care of them and expect us to just do it all.. which dont get me wrong i love being a mommy. but sometimes on the weekend a little bit of help would work wonders!

Daphne - posted on 09/06/2010

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My husband has always helped, my husband is in the army so he gets up EARLY, but he still gets up for the kids at night, so I can get some rest (7mos pregnant) he changes the kids, feeds them, bathes them, plays with them..... he is honestly a great dad.... in his lunchbreak he comes home and first thing he does is check on his kids, puts them at the table for lunch..... I never really had to ask my husband or anything, our kids go to bed at 7. He also have a joint account, he only asks me to let him know when the money is getting low... I love my husband for who he is and I wish everyone a man like mine =)

Danielle - posted on 09/06/2010

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My husband is active duty Navy. I am not exaggerating when I say he works 70+ hours per week. Before that even happened we were in your boat with two kids. It's rough. The first two years with my son were the hardest because it was learning to accept it for what it is. You can't make a person want to do something even if they should in your eyes. My daughter's life has been a much more positive experience because I knew from day one it would be primarily me. He has learned to be better, but still only by command. He has no initiative; I thought it was a "male flaw" lol. Bottom line: I'm sorry. And I will point out while some people feel blessed to have kids others feel burdened. Right or wrong, it is what it is. I criticize neither yet empathize with both. Life was never meant to be simple right?

Joanna Marie - posted on 09/06/2010

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Hello Ms. Carmen..
I couldn't relate much to your situation since me and my husband is not working yet... But then, all I can share is that, you shouldn't hate your life much. You should always think that even though things doesn't go the way you wanted to, you have received the most precious gift in the world... TO BE A MOM!!!! It is never easy to become a mom, yet you are one of the lucky persons in the world who is given the opportunity to have a baby...

Regarding your husband, maybe your just disappointed about what he is showing right now... All I can say is just stretch your patience with him.. Besides, it is always "US" moms who should take the responsibilities to watch over our babies. But I'm not telling you to give up your work.. Here's the catch, our babies are growing everyday.. They only remain CUTE BABIES for a span of 12 months, and that's it... Don't you want to be the first person to know about the daily progress of your baby??=)

Paula - posted on 09/06/2010

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My husband is the same as yours. He complains the house is untidy and the lounge and our bedroom need decorating. In the last 18 months I have broken my right wrist twice my left wrist once in a car smash and cracked my ribs slipping in the bath and have just been told I have osteoporosis, so you can imagine stripping wall paper is not high on my list at the moment. My kids are 8,6,and 5 so between the school runs house work decorating etc.I am rushed off my feet. By 8.30pm and the kids are in bed I am shattered. My hubby sits at his computer and lets me get on with it. I have tried to point out that if he gave me just a little help I would not be as tired and have more time to spend with him.
That didn't work either. He would never dress the kids if I had to go out, when I asked why, he said he didn't know where their clothes were. How difficult is to look in a draw in your child's room? He goes mad if they leave dishes in their room or don't take things away or pick things up. But why should they when he doesn't. I pointed this out to him and all I got was "so it's all my fault is it?" to which my reply was "If the cap fits " So you are not alone, Though he does spend more time with the kids than he did before. This helps coz I am not running in and out at every argument the kids have and I can get on with the jobs at hand. Saying that the lounge and bedroom still need doing. so till he helps strip the walls they can as they are! If you can face leaving your child tell him you have an appointment and cannot take the baby. Then go and stay with your parents or a close friend for a few days and let him experience your life. As for questioning you about every penny you spend tell him what is good for the goose is good for the gander and demand to know how he has spent every penny no matter whether he earned it or not, Point out that if you didn't look after the baby so well he wouldn't be able to work at home coz it would be to noisy with the baby in and out his office all day. Maybe you should let the baby disrupt his work day just to prove a point But that's just me. What ever you decide to do, do it sooner rather than later as it will eventually effect you health and well being which the baby will pick up on. you and your child deserve a happy family home and life. The very best of luck to you and your child.Paula x

Tanuja - posted on 09/06/2010

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HUSBANDS ARE LIKE THIS ONLY MY DEAR......so be strong and ignore him thats the best way....

VanessaR - posted on 09/06/2010

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My boyfriend works in construction and has to work when its over 90 degrees outside and he still helps me out. He does at least two night feeds even when he has to work a 12 hour shift the next day, throws out the trash, and watches the baby so I can take a nap. I cant really comment about this cause I am only 20 and have not had much experiences.

Sharlene - posted on 09/05/2010

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Men are generally lazy apes. The thing is that we do these things for them from the beginning and it becomes expected of us to do everything, especially being stay at home mums I wont say my hubby is as bad but he tends to forget to do things. I dont expect him to do night feeds during the week because he does have work the following day. But weekends has to do it. Carmen really your husband is going to drive you bonkers if you dont put a stop to this. Speak to him nicely i find if you scream they switch off...lol

Alexis - posted on 09/05/2010

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your not expecting to much. Your on the job 24\7 without pay. He has hours and then he is off. I am a stay at home mom and my hubby gives me at least one day\night off a week to go do whatever I want to do and he stays with baby. My hubby also gets a free day\night a week to the same thing and he works hard physically 60 hrs a week. He also helps on the weekends when we are both home. Unfortuantly I am one of the lucky ones and it seems that a lot of stay at home moms are not getting the help they need and are underappreciated since they do not get a paycheck for their work.

Rosalyn - posted on 09/05/2010

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well first off not to make you mad but your husband sounds like an ass and yeah it is normal for you to want to have a break. i quit my job when i was pregnant because i was put on bed rest because they didn't think she was growing right but anyways now i stay home with her 24/7 and yes it is normal for you wanting to have a free day of no baby duties at all...sometimes i'm like that..and my husband has no problem with feeding her changing her giving her a bath...he works at night so i have her all night long..well right now were not living together but long story short if i was to ask him to come get her so i can have a day or two to my self he would with no questions asked....no your not expecting to much from your husband he should be doing more for you being that you carried his child and went through labor.......sometimes i hate my life to but i guess that's how it is....and if he's working at home he could do more to help you out around the house...my husband helps with everything even if i don't ask him to he does it anyways cuz he know's that i'll help me out by him doing it.....

Paula - posted on 09/05/2010

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I find that positive reinforcement works a treat! when your husband does something without being asked you can turn around and say" thankyou so much thats a great help" he might even do it again because he feels that he helped without being nagged . I do eveything at home but when he does help out I make an effort to praise him and now he usually empties the dish washer and hangs out washing its great ...

Tanya - posted on 09/05/2010

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im living the same life here..but my husband doesnt work..he cant he has add and adhd..plus he has everyday stress and he gets panic attacks..so i dont even bother asking him because he will give me a sigh..and not only that he quit smoking which is great but hes never around,,even when he was smoking..he has his computer in our stotage area..and he has a friend that they have been together since they were kids..he still has feelings for her and talks to her but i find its really hard because i dont think he wants to be with me anymore..

Kathryn - posted on 09/05/2010

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well, i have the same problem, but mine work else where. i think you just have to mainly ignore them as much as you can. with the house work i try to do it at night when the kids are asleep, or in the morning when they r watching tv. as for males helping. forget it not many do.u just have to try thats all you can do. hope this is help ful

Michelle - posted on 09/05/2010

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My husband is somewhat the same way. I have to ask him to help me around the house but not when it comes to helping me with our daughter. We learned to switch off like if her cooks I clean the kitchen while he gives her the bath. I don't expect him to help me with the night feeding only because he gets up at four in the morning for work. But, when he is off he will wake up in the middle of the night to help me out. I learned that you really have to have a sit down conversation. I also read a book call " Men are like waffles and women are like spaghetti." It explains alot of things and I had my husband read it after me. Now when Im starting to get upset with him I tell him whats on my mind. Also, my husband is against daycare also but I told him that what am I going to do once I start up school again or start work. I can't put my schedule around everyone elses schedule. Plus daycare helps the baby socialize. My advice is just have a serious one on one conversation. Then go from there.

Sylvia - posted on 09/05/2010

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My husband and I had this problem. It was awful. He was even accusing me of being a bad mom and bad wife because he said our house was a mess and that our son needed more structure but he wasn't helping me! We went to therapy and things have gotten better. It comes down to this: Men are insensitive and unaware of their surroundings. However, there is no excuse for using you as a work horse. If you talk to him about it and things don't change, leave him. You and your kids deserve more than that! Did your husbands father treat his wife this way? Do you want your kids growing up with these gender roles as an example of how things should be? He may work but you do too! All day past five o clock until the kids go to bed and THEN you clean up after everyone. You do twice the work he does.

Courtney - posted on 09/05/2010

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no ur no expecting much! it should be 50/50 but the males never see it this way wel not many!! my partner has just recently been very helpful after 17 months!
if i had a night out when she was a a couple months old the next day he would be like i dont know how you do it but then he never offered help? strange men! i hate it because having a child and caring for them they make it seem like everything is a chore!
jus let him know an explain, it will be better out in the open and he might not even realise that it means alot (which isnt suprising for some men)
hope i goes ok! goodluck!

Joanne - posted on 09/05/2010

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Hi Carmen,

I think that most men are lazy if they think they can get away with being. They also cannot think for themselves on the whole and need telling, reminding, pushing, motivating, nurturing, guiding and forcing to get their act together.

I sometimes feel like all I do is nag and moan.. but its tough...because if I've asked once and its not been done then its his fault I'm nagging isn't it..?!

I think mostly your husband is being childish.. and he thinks that he can get away with it by being the wage earner...well no..he can't... if you weren't there he'd need to hire a nanny, pay a cleaner, cook, personal assistant and friend to do all that you do...How much of his wage would be left after paying for all this I wonder..??

Don't ever feel like your role in the home isn't a job...it is.. and the men are getting it for free...they should be very grateful. Tell him how it is... he's no problem dictating to you about money and what your responsibilities are... you tell him what you think and that its time he grew up, became a man and stopped sulking away. Be strong.. women in the home are made to feel like kept women... well no.. its the men that are being kept... without us.. they'd fall to pieces..Take care... WOW.. I went off on one then...lol..

Stifler's - posted on 09/05/2010

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My boyfriend knows that it's OUR money, and since I can't work because we don't get government rebates for childcare I get to do what I like. He's expecting too much of you, if you ask me. I started slowly making him get up to the baby one day per weekend by refusing to get up. Now he does morning feeds and changes before work while I sleep. Babies are hard for the first bit but by 6 months they are drinking a bottle in 10 minutes and burping themselves and stuff, so it is much easier for men to help and they should just to give us a break. They don't get it though so you have to force it on them, they'll whinge but eventually do it without asking because they know it's expected.

Savannah - posted on 09/04/2010

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yes my husband did it til I told him to be a dang man and take care of his kids after I told him this I haven't had no problem

Kristi - posted on 09/04/2010

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I think when you are at home with your children the lion's share of the at-home responsibilties fall on you. However, I feel that when it comes to duties related to your children - they should be shared, after all this baby is a part of both of you. I think a lot of men try and get away with doing as little as possible. Perhaps try explaining to your husband, very clearly, how you are feeling. Also maybe get out of the house when hubby is home and that way he will have no choice but to spend time with his child. Maybe a responsibilities chart - sometimes men feel like they do everything wrong so they do not even attempt trying, if he knows he is the bath time guy then maybe he will really take to that and run with it. The chart might also help with the constant asking of him to do things.



This sounds mean but I think sometimes we give men too much credit when it comes to knowing what to do. I love my husband but he is pretty clueless with the kids stuff.



Your hubby needs to know that he is able to work outside of the home because you work inside of the home - do not let him forget that!



Don't hate your life - marriage is not easy and married with children is no where close to easy.

Briana - posted on 09/04/2010

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One thing I noticed:



The Dad's LOVE their children very much. But a baby needs so much nurturing, and a mother is just instinctively more nurturing. Mom's of older kids have told me that once the baby is walking and talking (close to toddler age), the Dad's suddenly want to be involved in everything. It's just more fun for them.



It's ok....I went through this with my husband. It took me getting PPD for him to realize that unless he helped me more, I would NOT get better. I would eventually, but him helping would help me. And it did. It also took being gone an entire month (he's in the Army) for training to realize how much he doesn't want to leave his son. And now, he regrets it because he's gone for a year in Iraq.



Note: pushing the kids on him won't do you ANY good. He'll probably end up resenting you or getting pissed off. I've watched wives push the kids on their husband as soon as he walked in the door, or just whenever they wanted to....didn't go too well for their marriage. This is something that you MUST sit down and talk to him seriously about.

Savannah - posted on 09/04/2010

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my husband does the same thing and i just push the kids on him every chance i get

Sherrel - posted on 09/04/2010

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Hi Carmen,
I've been a stay @ home mom for 17 yrs. I know how you feel. Yes my husband would go to work & bring home his pay check & told me because he's not cheating I should be happy. By now you know I understand you. Let me share this with you, I did the same thing you are doing. I lessened the sex, his kiss turned me off, his touch made my skin crawl & the thought of him coming next to me made my stomach ache.. Carmen I wish I knew then what I knew now. Find something that satisfies you. Get your kids trained so you can handle them. What I mean by that is if you want some me time at a certain time you will have to take it but talk to your kids, trust me they understand more than we give them credit for. I have a home base business. I don't know if it is a good fit for you or not, but I'm willing to share with you what I do so you can have your own money. Talk with him when you are not angry & cranky. Tell him all the things you do appreciate him for & then ask him to help you with what you need him to do. Keep in mind the type of person he is & what he is capable of doing? Like my ex-husband was not a hands on dad, so asking him to take the kids to the park for one hour was not gonna happen. So I had to hard of something he could do & I would ask him to clean the kitchen some nights while I got all 4 kids to bed. I hope this helps you some, but if you can at all help it don't contemplate a divorce. If I knew then what I know now I would still be with my first husband. My current husband is good but children rather be with their biological parents if possible. I look forward to connecting with you, until then stay bless & make it a great day!.....Sherrel

Holly - posted on 09/03/2010

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You life totally sounds like mine are we married to the same man...lol I need advice Also PLEASE!!!!

Alyssa - posted on 09/03/2010

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When I met my husband my son was already 4 months old. We moved in with him two months later. We spent a lot of time at his house while he was home from business trips and during that time I taught him how to change diapers, prepare a bottle, put him down for a nap, etc. At the time he was more of a babysitter than anything. It wasn't until we were engaged that I left him alone with my son. Even though I knew he could do it on his own, I still left explicit instructions on how to do everything! He made it through just fine.

After we got married and I moved in, things were a little strange. I didn't know what I should expect of him but he fell into the daddy roll all on his own. I didn't work weekends and he was usually home on weekends. I had to be up at 4:30 during the week for work and so he'd let me sleep in when he was home. Things just sort of fell into place for us. We have since moved several states away and are completely on our own. He helps even more around the house and with my son now than before. But he also feels like we're more of a family and my son is older and they play more. It took him a LONG time before he'd give my son a bath though. It wasn't until after he started crawling and could use the big tub that he felt comfortable doing it. But even now, I have to be in the room. He still asks questions!

Definitely talk to your husband. You NEED to communicate with him. Take Lisa's advice. Some men really are clueless! Don't give up yet. Hopefully a couple good conversations will get him to understand how you feel. I really hope everything works out for the better for all of you!!

Lauren - posted on 09/03/2010

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he OBVIOUSLY does not realize what it actually takes to be a stay at home mom. tell him to do your job (or what he expects from you) for a week. or even a day or two! he'll see. and he will HOPEFULLY realize that he needs to step it up. it is not just your baby! it is his too! hope all goes well with you :)

Katie - posted on 09/03/2010

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You are definitely not asking too much and I don't blame you for the way you are feeling...My husband has had "moments" like this but it has never lasted. We have a 2 year old and 4 month old and since our first was born he has been a pretty hands on dad as far as the kids are concerned but there has been times when he acts as if EVERYTHING in the house is my responsibility and on his days off he should just get to be lazy and do what he wants because he works all week...news flash - being a stay at home mom is more than a 24/7 job! We get NO DAYS OFF from our "job"...and as much as we love our kids, we need one sometimes. Even when they are sleeping we are 'on call'...My husband needs reminding of this every so often.
In my opinion if he is working from home and you are home with the kids that is all the more reason for him to help you out...we all have jobs, regardless of what they are it doesn't give us an excuse to slack on our household or parental duties.
I try and explain it to my husband this way...if I worked in a daycare outside the home taking care of children, all these things around the house would STILL need to get done and our own kids would STILL need to be taken care of, why should I have the responsibility to take care of everything myself? He wouldn't want to...
Good luck, you are in a difficult situation, I don't know why so many men think that all sahm's do is sit around and eat bon bons all day! :)

Erin - posted on 09/03/2010

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honestly... i agree with your husband.. im pregnant with my husband and mine's first child. I plan on being a stay at home mom and quitting my job to stay home.. Since your husband is the one leaving home and working for someone else, you shouldnt expect him to have to get up during the night to help. if he wants to thank great.. but if he is too tired all the time then his boss is going to get frustrated because he is performing on the job like he should.. so theres the risk of your husband losing his job..
plus if you choose to be a stay at home mom.. that is your JOB...
On the other hand I dont think its right for him to give you the third degree about how you spend money or whatever.. as long as your not hiding it from him and over spending at least. My husband has the main income, and if I buy anything for myself I always run it by him (but he does the same since his money and my money is OUR money)
good luck.

Yamira - posted on 09/03/2010

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No!...this not normal...your husband should be ashamed of himself and I'm sorry to say this, but he is not a real man!...a real man will help in any way he can and not expect anything in return...a marriage is 50/50...you did not make this baby on your own..so he should get his lazy ass up and start helping you!...some men don't realize that being a stay at home mom is work in it self and it is a24 hour a day job as well...you really need to make the decision on your own, but I hope you know that this can easily fixed...just communicate with each other and show him how hard it really is to be a stay at home mom!

Jenapher - posted on 09/03/2010

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Dear Carmen,

Please dont feel alone in this because I have gone thru the same thing. It's all about negotiation. My husband works and sometimes I felt guilty asking him to wake up and care for her when she was a newborn, even tho I had the luxury of staying home and being able to nap when he didnt. I would have to ask him to feed her or bathe her or change her diaper, He did it, but the fact that I HAD to ask bothered me! Small things like after we have dinner, which I had cooked and all he would do is place ALL the dishes in the sink, for me to get to later. It definitely isn't just you who goes through this. You have to remember one thing, having a child is a MUTUAL thing. You BOTH have a baby and you BOTH should have responsibilities that come with that child. I know my husband just wants to come home from work and relax because "he has been working all day" but they need to understand that staying at home with a child is OUR work and we need a rest from time to time too. So sit down and talk to him. Ask him if it would be ok if he was in charge of night time duties so you can get some alone time. After dinner he be in charge of bathing and changing and getting the baby ready for bed time. Then you BOTH sit down and read the baby a book or humm a little bed time song. When it comes to diapers, alternate. My daughter is now two and sometimes when she is wet I hand her the diaper and tell her to ask daddy to change her. That little precious face you cant say no to works everytime! :) It's all about a little tit for tat. If you've had a rough day, just say so and maybe he will understand we as moms need a little help to. If he seems like he's had a long day and doesnt want to do anything, negotiate. "Im sorry you've had a bad day hun! If you get munchkin ready for bed Ill clean the kitchen and then we can have some relax time!" I promise they will start to understand!! I hope this has helped you in some way! If you need anything else feel free to right back!!

[deleted account]

Sometimes the guys need a reminder that what they are doing is hurting the relationship. Whenever I get to the point where I'm going to scream cause I can't take it anymore, I sit him down and tell him exactly how I feel using the "I feel" statements. It sounds goofy saying it, but he needs to know how you feel and just watch yourself so you don't throw any "you's" in there. Sometimes it's hard to do. The other thing I've done is write him a letter basically saying the same things...only this way I was sure to know that he was "listening" and I wasn't going to mess up and say something that starts an arguement. He can't tell you how you feel and that's why it is safe. I've gotten lots of "I'm sorry, I'll do better" by those approaches.
Sometimes he throws the whole well you're at home so you can clean and do everything, but there is nothing saying that, that is not just the woman's job. Our purpose is to love and nurture our children so they are raised up good, fathers are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection. Marriage is an equal partnership. Both are responsible for the home and obligated to help one another as equal partners. You just need to tell him how you feel before it is too late!
Hope this helps!

Jammie - posted on 09/03/2010

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My husband also helps out, but thats when i ask him. With our first child he did night feeds whilst he was working but then stopped two weeks in using the same excuse of work... ive done them all. I found he helped more around the house and when our second child came along he lost his job that december but still wouldnt do night shifts. it took me until i fell pregnant with our third which we are excepting in a few weeks to get him to waken for the kids in the morning. ive got symptons of pre clampsia and have to rest but he doesnt allow that unless he gets his darn nap. plus i laid down the rule where i have the money in the house and we both work what we need! u need to lay rules down or something because it takes two to make a child and a child needs alot of attention ...

COURTNEY - posted on 09/03/2010

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I am not married and two have two children with my boyfreind we have a 7 month old and a 17 month old! Yes they are ten monthes apart! my bf and i have been together for 6 and a half years! When my daughter (my first born ) was born he was very helpful of course she was planned! my son was not planned and since he was born ll the motherly duties have completley fallen on me along with feeling like i am "his" mommy half of the time! My bf also tells me that i have all day to sit at home and watch tv so why shuld he have to change a diaper while he is trying to watch tv and relax after work! i thnk that is what bugs me the most because I never get off work his day ends and mine never does and i am lucky ti get a ten minute break in between! My brother in law always tells me... "A mans work is from dusk to dawn A womans work is never done." And you knoiw what i dont take pffense to that because at least he realizes that i am never done working! I just keep telling myself this wont last forever when you do get help appreciate it and when you doont and the kids are all grown you will have the satisfaction of accomplishment and your rest and free time will be that much more achieved and deserved! hang in there and goodluck ♥!

Amber - posted on 09/03/2010

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I thought for a moment that you were talking about my husband! Lol.
I went through the same thing; I just stood my ground and laid down the law. I was relentless until he finally caved in.
That tactic will drive some men away so I'm not saying to try my angle; it's just some food for thought. And no; you are not expecting too much from your husband! You two are equals in the marriage and in the raising of the children; it would do well for him to realize this. If he works from home, there is zero excuses as to why he can't help out with some house work.

Kelly - posted on 09/03/2010

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My guy always helps out even though he works all the time. He gets up in the morning and fixes the bottle and gives it to her and changes her. He always changes her poo poos when he is here and on his days off he cleans house and plays with the baby so I can relax a little bit. I clean house when he works, so we kind of take turns. He is a great dad and I am very happy with him!

[deleted account]

my hubby helps out but in your case communication works best! in the first couple months he kinda let me do it all when I confronted him about it he was more than happy to help more. he had thought i wanted to do it my way... i don't know your husbands reasons but it won't change unless you come right out and say I NEED YOU TO PARTICIPATE TOO! just tell him and see what happens good luck! tell him it doesn't matter if he works your son isn't a "job" it a child and that child is 1/2 his! :)

[deleted account]

When it was like that with my husband, I sat him down, and said, ok, I'm going to talk, and you are going to listen, and when I am done it is your turn. And I told him about how much work I have every day, and how little sleep, and all the things that were bugging me. We talked and compromised, and we have a good system going now where he has some house work, and a day on the weekend so I can have a break, and I have Joshy, and most of the work at home, but if I am sick/tired/sore he will help me out if I ask him. Also men don't see things the same way, like my husband will do things if I ask him, no worries, but if I just left it, he wouldn't do it even if it needed to be done, it's like they just can't see it. Also, one week a month my husband works from home, and helps me out alot, esp with doing things for Joshy, so I can get everything else done.

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