Does anyone ever feel guilty or have their spouse make them feel guilty for not having an income?

Savannah - posted on 03/04/2009 ( 41 moms have responded )

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I'm curious to see if there are any other hardworking unappreciated stay at home mommies out there who feel guilty or who's spouses make them feel like a burden because they are no longer contributing to the household income. Am I alone?

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Breeze - posted on 03/09/2009

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For yourself, may I suggest a ta-dah list? It's the opposite of a to-do list. On it you list all the things you accomplished that day. That includes, "took Alejandro for a walk and helped him pat a doggie. Showed him how to be nice to animals." That's something you DID that day that was good for your son. No one else did it. I include things like, "helped Erick choose something for show 'n tell, reminded Tesia to wear tennis shoes b/c it's gym day, cleaned up spilled cereal, read dinosaur book to Paul, read dinosaur book to Paul again, planned tomorrow's dinner, made dentist appointment". When your spouse comes home, ALL of those things are invisible but they are useful things you did for your family! I never use the list against my husband. I use it to remind myself that I didn't sit around all day. Erick had a show 'n tell, Tesia had the right shoes and everybody's gonna have healthy teeth in part b/c of ME. I don't get paid for it but it still counts!

Jocelyn - posted on 03/13/2009

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My husband acutally just pulled the "this is MY house I pay the rent yada yada" during an argument the other night.  As you can image that made me feel soo full of happiness.  I never wanted to be a stay at home mom.  Ever.  But you do what you have to do (daycare in our area cost on average 900 a month for one kid...and we're expecting our second in october) so needless to say my going back to work isn't an option.  I work one day a week and bring back more income then if I was working full time (daycare cost, car insurance, gas ect).  I really don't like staying at home, and to have him rub it in my face like that, well, I was just livid.  He still hasn't appologized yet either.  He himself is always "i have to work two jobs and you get to stay home all the time..."  He just finished a tattoo apprentiship (which he brings home MAYBE $80 a week if he's lucky) that i don't really call "work" and he works an overnight shift managing a walmart.  im sorry, but neither of those seem all that stressful to me.  It really is frusterating being a sahm and I cannot wait for my kids to be in school fulltime so I can finally work.  And earn my keep instead of being a freadloading roommate...

Michelle - posted on 06/27/2011

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My husband occasionally makes remarks about how he's the reason we have food on the table and a roof over his head when I'm asking him to do something around the house that he doesn't want to do. But other then trying to get out of doing anything around the house, my husband would never consider the money he brings in as anything less then both of ours to spend as we both decide. My husband is not the most helpful but he definitely wants me to be home with the kids. I felt a little guilty when I first was home but I had to realize that while he may have brought in the money that paid for our food and home, I actually took care of the home, cooking, and everything else for our family. We both contribute to the family in different but equal ways.

Jami - posted on 06/26/2011

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There are times I know when he wishes I would drop the kids at a sitter and get a job. When we first agreed on moving in together (me,son,daughter) it was his job to pay the rent and his bills, my job to pay the utilities, cell phone, and have a little play $ on the side. Well I realized my kids were doing awful in school, they weren't happy and I was tired of paying a sitter, so I quit working. Granted, it was supposed to be for a month or so..it's been 6, but I know the kids are happier and that is what's important to me. But my ex never helps with any extras the kids need so my FI ends up paying for everything. Don't get me wrong there are times I feel guilty as well. I just think about the kids first and worry about $ later. I guess that probably isn't always a good thing...

Amber - posted on 03/23/2009

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My husband does not say anything really that makes me feel guilty.  I do feel guilty however when I buy something for myself that I do not really need.  He tells me that he works so that we can have money for the stuff we need.  I feel guilty everytime I buy clothes or make-up.  I think about the bill we could be paying with that money.  I feel really guilty now because we are in the process of buying a house, and since I am not working, I kind of feel like it is his house and not ours, even though he would never say that to me.  I think the only reason he does not say anything is because I am going to school and he knows someday when the kids are a little older, I will find a good job with good money and benefits and it will make up fo the years that I did not work.

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Chesnie - posted on 07/11/2012

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I don't feel bad but he makes comments all the time so basically I'm living in his house, cleaning up after his kids and spending his money. I feel that way.

Jitka - posted on 07/11/2012

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My husband is very supportive, this was a joint decision due to his very long working hours and terribly expensive daycare etc. but i am struggling with my family not being happy (my parents and older sibling). Its tough balancing staying at home vs feeling guilty for being at home! And let me mention i have only been home for 2 years and worked full time until then :-(

Stifler's - posted on 06/26/2011

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My husband cracks jokes about how he works all day and I spend all his money and all this. He's joking though.

Marilyn - posted on 03/24/2009

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I guess I've experienced both. I've felt guilty for not being able to contribute. But he has thrown it in my face. He doesn't do it all the time. But when he does, it hits a cord that makes me sooo angry. Even before having kids and house, we rented, he used to throw it in my face how much he paid for everything.  I feel guilty, sometimes...only because I remember what I used to bring home, and maybe our home life would be different.  And I mean in a better way. Ever since I quit my city job we haven't been able to put money away in our savings account for us or our kids. But at the end I don't take what he says to heart. From the bottom of my heart, I know he doesn't mean it.  I'm sooo grateful to have this opportunity in watching my kids grow up, our way. Not in the hands of strangers.  And now I can also get involved with their schools. Besides, we are both lucky that I'm not a shopalcoholic... I also know this is temporary...I'm sure this will change in a few years...just don't know where I would go.

Patrice - posted on 03/24/2009

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You are not alone at all I have been a stay at home mom for almost 6yrs,now and in the begining I felt so bad about not bringing in any income. Although I felt like I was doing more work at home than I ever did in the office (lol) My husband would have his comments to. Like calling me to do more things for him just because I was home and he felt like I wasn't doing much anyway.This lasted for a while until I got sick and had to have surgery. He had to take some time off of work to take care of me and the kids and the house. When this was all over he told me how much he appreciates what I do everyday.that he couldn't imagine doing all of these thing in a single day.



It felt very rewarding to myself know that when the tables turn he could see what we SAHM,s really go through and how it's a lot of work. Now my husband calls me his superwoman. considering I take care of him the kids,thehouse, pay the bills,do all the driving everyone around to thier activities and work from home on my home business.

Working from home really gave me a little more to feel good about I love being able to watch our kids grow and make a living at home to (that helps lol)

Tanya - posted on 03/24/2009

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My husband jokes that I make $45 a week, but spend more than I make...but I just heard that they did a survey of time and hardness of work and level of education you put yourself through and they say the average stay at home mom would be making $100,000 a year. You need to get him to stay home and do th work for a few days or longer if you can...then he will appreciate it. My husband says many days he would rather be at work and will do what ever it takes to make me like my job. I hope that gives you a little help. Just remember its priceless....make sure that your fine with it and proud of it and then his comments may not bother you quite as much....

Jamie - posted on 03/24/2009

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No you are not... I love staying home, and it is a full time job in itself without pay. My husband and I have had many conversations, about how things are tight becasue I am not working, or how he now has to pay some of my bills becasue I have no income. It upsets me at times because he does make me feel quilty for not contributing. Normally it only comes up when we have an arguement, and he says he can't do anything right, he puts a roof over my head, and pays the bills. Later he says he is sorry, but to even say it hurts. I am raising our son, instead of a day care for now and I enjoy every minute of it, wouldn't trade it for the world.

Liz - posted on 03/23/2009

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No, I feel like that too. But  of course all I get is the " Then why don't you go out and work, and let him stay home with the kids"  I honestly don't think my husband could stay home with the kids and do everything.  Does anyone else think so?  I have a set of 9 and a half month old boy/ girl twins.

Tracy - posted on 03/23/2009

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well let me tell you that every single day my boyfriend reminds me of how he is out there on a roof all day and how all i do is stay at home and do nothing. he tells me what i piece of crap i am and to get a job. i am currently looking for work. the problem was that we agreed for me not to work until my daughter started school cause we could not pay for daycare and she refuses to potty train which of course is my fault too. i am glad i am not the only one with this problem

Savannah - posted on 03/23/2009

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Wow. Thank you, really from the bottom of my heart. You are all amazing, wonderful mommies and I am so glad to know that not only am I not alone but I have great support from women that I don't even know. I feel more hopeful now. I had a very emotional and uncomfortable talk with my husband to let him know how I felt and he is much better at saying thank you now and agrees that even though he is stressed out right now about only having one income (since I can't get a PT job in this awful economy) he wouldn't change our situation because he thinks I'm doing a great job with our son. I just may get through this and I couldn't have done it without all of you. To every mommy who feels this way, you're right...it's the hardest, best, most under appreciated, most rewarding job that anyone can have and I'm trying my damndest, and you know, that's good enough!  :0)



My best wishes and deepest gratitude to you all for your suggestions and support.



(Next on my Ta-Da list...I responded to all my messages on the internet.) :0)



xoxox

Jocelyn - posted on 03/16/2009

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Thank you Breeze for the message you left me.  It gave me hope that everything will be ok; hopefully I'll grow to like being a sahm.  I think it'll get a bit better for me once my kids are in school; I can get out in the social world more (join the pta, organize bakesales, direct a Christmas play perhaps...). and Kelly, I really do hope that it is in part the crazy pregnancy hormones :)  That means it won't seem like such a life sentance later on.  Thank you girls.

Estelle - posted on 03/16/2009

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You are not alone! Everytime we argue, that has to come out because he knows it's a sore subject with me. We SAHM work hard! No, we don't have to leave the house every morning, no we don't have a commute and don't have to get dressed if we don't want to!

I have stayed at home with my sons for 6 years. This year a friend took me to a Party Gals party. I loved it so much I joined right away. Never did anything like this before, but I got a friend to join with me and we work together great! It's a fun night out without the kids! And being the only girl in my house, I need those girls nights out! Plus everyone starts out at a 50% profit! Check it out:

http://www.partygals.biz/estelle

Miriam - posted on 03/16/2009

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Savannah, To start off I love the Ta-Dah list idea given by Breeze. To add to her idea, remember, even though your not raking in the dough, you save your family quite a bit. By staying at home with your children, you save $ on daycare, food (since you eat in more often), gas and so much more. I once saw a thing on the news that if you took everything that a house mom does during the day and then give her a salary, it would average out to app. $150,000 a year. Think about it, you watch the kids, clean the house, cook dinner, maybe yardwork if you have one, perhaps do the finances for your family, become a secretary thanks to all the callers during the day.... and so much more.

Do we feel unappreciated sometimes, yes and mostly from ourselves cuz we as women like to analize our lives, especially now in this economy. But always remember you have the best job in the world and that is to raise your children to be amazing ppl within our society. At the end of the day, remember you did a job more important than anyone can ever imagine.

Kelly - posted on 03/16/2009

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One other idea for Jocelyn, maybe you could (after the new baby comes) find a job at night and leave him with the kids to avoid paying for daycare. I am pretty sure that in very short time he would be begging you to stay home again!!!! I agree, that is pretty rotten of him to throw this in your face. Hope he apologizes soon.

Kelly - posted on 03/16/2009

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I am so glad it's not just me! I really don't have much to add, except it just makes me feel better to read all these posts by women in the same boat! I love staying home and taking care of home and kiddos, but don't like feeling guilty for the stress it puts on my husband having to support us all. His friends have actually said more to make me feel bad than he has, but he doesn't exactly stick up for me, so it makes it seem as if he agrees with them. I am sad for Jocelyn though, it sounds like your situation is different from most of ours, in that you don't really want to be at home. I hope you will be able to find joy in it, these years with little ones pass so quickly! Maybe some of your unhappiness could be coming from pregnancy hormones. I don't mean to offend with that statement, I just know I can look back and see things differently after a pregnancy, than they seemed at the time. Well, thank all of you ladies for sharing!

Tricia - posted on 03/13/2009

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You are not alone. I left my job after 8 years to be home with my two daughters. My husband was supportive at first and seemed to understand. I was bringing in more of the income so I dont think he really understand the responsibility once it fell upon him. But it's been a year now and I get "i work all day" for almost everything now. It seems like even him mother is trying to make me feel guilty by telling him places that are hiring. (she has never worked always stayed home). I don work PT so I do bring in some money, but it is more important for me to be there for my girls. It has been a tough road but I would never change it. Being here for them whenever they need me is more important to me. They are only young for so long -then there is plenty of time to work. I applaud all and any stay at home parents. Doing what we are doing during these difficult times will make a difference in the futures of our children, and isn't that worth the sacrifice, I think so.

Breeze - posted on 03/13/2009

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Have you ladies seen this one?

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, 'What happened here today?' She again smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?' 'Yes,' was his incredulous reply. She answered, 'Well, today I didn't do it.'

Amanda - posted on 03/13/2009

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Everyone who feel guilty or made to feel guilty, go on a mommy strike this weekend! You will be amazed how fast things will change. By strike you only do what you have to do Ie Breastfeeding, daddy is to change all diapers, clean the house, entertain all the children, make dinner. If you find hes slacking, remind him the toilet still needs to be clean, or the laundry needs to be put into the washer. After 1 to 2 days how dinner not being on the table at 5:30 will no longer bother him. :0)

Rachael - posted on 03/13/2009

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I feel so sad that some mums feel that they are not doing a gd enough job becuase they are stay at home mums.  I like many other stay at home mums beleive it is the best thing for our children. I just love being able 2 spend the time with her and she is growing up so fast . Their are times when i do feel a bit lonely and would love 2 b able 2 go back 2 wrk, just 2 feel like my old self again.  But we are not hard done by finacially and when u pay for childcare and think about all the time your child is left in the care of others, its just not worth it.  Iam  happy with my choice 2 stay at home and be with with my child. Dont listen 2 anyone who makes u feel its not enough 2 be a stay at home mum. It is the best job in the world and it deserves alot more credit!

Andrea - posted on 03/11/2009

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I do not feel guilty... I do babysit, so I do bring in some income. However, it's other people in the family that think I should be out in the work force. I would be working just to cover day care costs... so that is just absurd! My husband has on occasion made snarky comments regarding me being at home, but I always come back with, I am here all day and all night with OUR daughter, rarely asking for help, babysitting 4-8 kids during the day, so excuse me if you meal is not on the table at 530! You contribute by saving the family money! daycare is ridiculously high as is everything else. I keep telling DH that I am saving money in various ways... I don't get dressed every day so the laundry can go for 2 or more weeks, thus saving on bills...

Nicole - posted on 03/11/2009

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Hi Savannah, I'd also agree with the posts on here a lot of my guilt was from myself but with daycare costs it just doesn't pay for me to work either.  About three years ago though I decided to look at something to do at home so I've actually been working at home now for three years just bringing in a little extra income so it makes me feel like I am getting a paycheck now too!! :)  But you being home with your kids is the most important thing you can do you will never regret the time you've had at home sharing in their daily activities!  Take Care, Nicole www.familytimefirst.com

Kristin - posted on 03/11/2009

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Before the baby, I made over twice my husband's salary...and we had many "toys" that he go to use on weekends (Snowmobile, 1/2 ton truck, ATV). After our son was born, I lost my job (worked in real estate and the economy sucks!). Anyways, basically we were forced to sell all of my husband's "toys"---he really didn't have any time to play with them anyways due to the new baby but he did make me feel really guilty b/c I wasn't working. He is more supportive now that our son turned a year old and I am still at home. But anytime we have a money "issue" he brings it up that I don't have a "real" job. You are not alone! I do remind myself constantly that I do more "jobs" than my husband---actually, our house and family would literally fall apart if I didn't do my "job" so well.

McIntyre - posted on 03/11/2009

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You are not alone girl. I cant image how they would feel if the roles were reversed. Do the best you can, thats all we can do.

McIntyre - posted on 03/11/2009

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You are not alone girl. I cant image how they would feel if the roles were reversed. Do the best you can, thats all we can do.

Suelyn - posted on 03/11/2009

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I have to agree with most here, my guilt is self induced as well. My staying home was my husbands idea, he got a second job that exceeded my income. However, the children do not see him as much because he works a full 7 days.

I now have a part time job working 2 nights a week and I am also a Longaberger Consultant, but I do feel bad when we have a tight money week. I would not trade the

sacrafice made because my children have benefited from my staying home, and so have I. And let's face it, this does not last forever and before you know it, they will have moved on to college and then, it is back to the two of us. Now sometimes that can be scary.....but watching them grow, no salary can ever compare. Just my opinion.

Suelyn

Debbie - posted on 03/11/2009

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My husband likes to make comments like all I do all day is watch tv and how I'm not really "working" and how he'd change places with me at the drop of a hat. I tried to explain to him that there are days that are really nice when I'm home with our 1 year old but then there are days where I just want to lock myself in my room due to her crying for no reason and then when the other 2 get home from school and just won't stop arguing but he just doesn't get it.



I moved to Ohio and he was the one that decided that I shouldn't look for a job until my 5 year old (who was moving from Florida to Ohio with me) was through kindergarten since it was only 1/2 a day and she had a lot of changes. Then I got pregnant and now that I'm ready for a job, I can't just take any job since it'd be about $1500-$2000/month for daycare/child care.



I actually told my husband that I had a job that paid me $1500/month and I watch 3 kids (our kids) during the day/summer but he just laughed at that idea.

Devon - posted on 03/09/2009

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pat yourself on the back, you deserve it. then think of it this way. by the time you pay for daycare, transportation ,meals and don't forget all of the extra taxes that would be tacked on due to the higher income of your household how much money would you actually be contributing to the household? and is that dollar amount high enough to justify missing all of those precious moments you get to share with your children? is that enough money to justify your child being raised by someone else, having their thoughts and views instilled into them? you're sacricing a lot of yourself to do what is best for your child, the love that you give your child is worth more than any material thing you could buy with the extra income.

Rene - posted on 03/09/2009

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my husband use to alot and it really hurt my feelings so when i wasnt mad and we were just talking i asked him if hed rather that i worked and he said no way the house and our kids would be a mess so i asked him why he made me feel that way and he said he didnt always know that he did it but sometimes he was envious of the time i get to spend with our children it was good and it helped me understand his point of veiw wish all our talks were that good

Tiffany - posted on 03/09/2009

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I can understand where you are comming from. There are times I think to myself.. gee i wish I had money of my own.... Some days my husband is understanding, then there are days he makes comment like yeah we do need money and I feel bad for not "providing" I've mentioned this to my best friend and she kindly reminds me that I am prividing for my family bc I am at home taking care of the kids and house and even my hubby. If I were to go to work we would have to pay for child care, which anymore is soo expensive, it is cheaper for the mom to stay home.



So to all the "guilty" stay at home moms, We are providing for are families and we have the hardest yet most rewarding job in the world and as hard as it is we need to hold our heads up high and remember that there is more ways then bringing in money to privide..... Good luck to everyone and god bless all of you

Julie - posted on 03/08/2009

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Nope, but I have never worked since I was pregnant with my first child. My husband and I both felt that it was my job to take care of the house the kids and him. Now 7 years later with a total of four kids neither of us could imagine it any other way. Don't get me wrong, we have to cut corners everywhere to make ends meet, but it is worth it. The only time I ever feel bad (and really it mad, not guilty) is when people other then my family ask me if I am going to going to get a job when all my kids are in school. I tell them the answer is no. I feel like even when they are all in school, I will have plenty to do still and maybe I will actually be able to keep my house up since I won't have children running around destroying it all day lol!

TinaMarie - posted on 03/08/2009

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No!  When we decided to have the 2nd one that was the deal no matter what!   Whether I work or not I have always been the primary care giver for our girls due to the nature of my husband's job.  The last year I worked I wound up making 1/2 of what I should have made due to the amount of time I had to take off for doctors, school, emergencies, etc. and we had just the one.  Add on top of that the cost of day care these days! 



 



It is not like I am never going back to work, when my youngest is in school I will go back part time!  Until then if he isn't liking it, to bad, but he hasn't said anything to me!

MaryMargaret - posted on 03/07/2009

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Sometimes I think my husband will say things about him being the only one bringing in income to fish for a complement on what a good provider he is. I try to recognize how hard he has to work outside the home so that I can stay home with our son.
I am expecting our second baby in June, and honestly if we had to pay for child care for two children the money I could earn outside the home would disappear before I ever saw any of it! I tend to remind my dh of this if he ever complains about being a one income home. Our contribution to our families may not LOOK like a monetary one but it is! And not just for child care, but think of the money saved by cooking, cleaning, and not to mention the millions of other things we do to save money in these hard times. I joke that we can't afford for me to work outside the home! So, don't feel guilty for not having a salary for your job as a SAHM... the truth is what you do is PRICELESS!

Karen - posted on 03/06/2009

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I am in the same boat.  My husband loves me being home taking care of everything...but often says little remarks that make me feel bad.  Just like yesterday my husband called and asked me what I was doing and I said painting the boys bedroom.  He said wow that must be nice to be able to get things done at home during the day.  I just think he is lucky that I am willing to do projects like that around the house.Or if we have a warm sunny day he calls and finds out that I am taking the kids for a walk or playing outside...he always says something rude. But, we decided that I should stay home becuase one of my children have medical concerns and he wasn't willing to take off work to handle the problems and my employer couldn't have me take off or run to school to take care of my son every few days.  It was truly a mutual decision but I feel guilty for not bringing home a pay check and feel really bad if I need to buy something for myself. 

[deleted account]

I was in the same position you are in.  I wanted to be home with my daughter and he wanted the same thing but always made me feel guilty for not bringing in an income.  I began looking for something to do at home to make a little money and feel like I was contributing.  I love what I am doing now.  I am working about 10 hours a week and still have time for my family but do not feel guilty that I am not helping out.  Please take a look at my website and let me know if you have any questions.  http://www.sensiblebiz4you.com



 



Thanks,



 



Haley

Ashley - posted on 03/04/2009

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i feel so guilty especially since right before i quit my job when i was 5 months pregnant(too much stress) we bought me a new car and now have that car payment. times are so tough right now we're living with my parents. i always offer to get a job but he doesn't want me too. he says my job is to take care of our son.

Melinda - posted on 03/04/2009

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My guilt probably is self induced. I worked for years, and brought in the majority of our household income. I choose to quit my job and stay at home. My husband was supportive, but I could tell he was/ is stressed out. Who wouldn't be in this economy. I do work from home part time... this helps me feel like I am adding to the family income. Your not alone...I've talked with lots of Moms that feel unappreciated. However, being a Mom is truely in my belief the greatest thing you an ever do. Your kids will be all grown up and on their own soon enough.

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