Does anyone have problems with thier babies being compared to other kids in the family?

Melissa - posted on 11/24/2009 ( 28 moms have responded )

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My sis in law had her daughter almost 2 yrs ago on xmas. i gave birth to my daughter 3 months ago. All that family does is constantly compare my daughter to my sis in laws daughter whenever she was a baby. My daughter and her daughter are like nite and day opposites as babies but everything is all about my sis in laws daughter. i get excited over every milestone that my daughter reaches and i tell them about it and thier reaction is "yah, Ary (my sis in laws kid) did that to" and they arent excited. its like my daughter isnt her own person. everytime my mother in law buys Ary an outfit my daughter gets the same one. Whatever Ary gets my daughter gets to it doesnt matter what it is and it doesnt matter what i say. i am so tired of them always talking about Ary and always comparing my daughter to her. They constantly make comments like "we did this with Ary so you need to do it to" "Ary liked this so Kendra will like it to"

"Ary started crawling at 10 months so Kendra will to" "Ary's first word was ball at 1 yr, so Kendra's will be to (despite the fact that my daughters first word was hi at 3 months and she says hi, yah, and hey now). Any advice becuz i am going insane with all this comparison and my daughter not being able to be her own person? Thanks for all your help!!

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Stephanie - posted on 11/28/2009

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Quoting Bonny:

I heard this just a few times, from both sides of the family..... I wasn't even going to let it get steam built behind it so I made a well worded comment of 'Well, its just a shame that all of us can't be blessed with perfect children and divine maternal knowledge...'
The comments ended fairly quickly:)


I love that!!  I think I am gonna put that in bag of tricks  :O)

Bonny - posted on 11/25/2009

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I heard this just a few times, from both sides of the family..... I wasn't even going to let it get steam built behind it so I made a well worded comment of 'Well, its just a shame that all of us can't be blessed with perfect children and divine maternal knowledge...'
The comments ended fairly quickly:)

Elisha - posted on 11/24/2009

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YEP! my kids are always compared to my nephew.. Who im thankful my kids are nothing like him, i stay out of it, you really have to not let it bother you! Im done with the drama on my in law side, so i pretty much ignore them, we dont visit them really or anything, but def. talk with your husband and let him know how you are feeling.

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Jenna - posted on 05/11/2010

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We had to make it clear to my MIL that our son is our "1" child ... not her "5th" grandchild by my husband's brother. but it doesn't always work. She still lumps him into their brood and it angers me soooo much because we have completely different parenting styles. We don't allow our son ( 16 months old) to stay over at Grandma's when all his cousins are there (3 boys, 1 girl ... ages 6-11) because as we have seen over the last 6 years, neither my husband's parents or his brother and wife keep a close eye ont he kids. Our son isn't able to effectively fight back or run away or even tell someone when he is being annoyed or abused by them so we refuse to put him in that situation unless we are around to keep an eye on him. Even though my MIL supposedly hates how her other grandchildren are raises she continues to treat our son like she is supposed to treat the other kids. We are stricter with discipline and control over out son eats. She agrees when I tell her what my son's schedule is and what he can/can't eat but then turns around and refuses to follow our guidelines. That is another reason why we don't like him to be around all the other kids without us is that we don't want to put her in the position of treating him differently in front of them, but she refuses to accept our rules when it is just him even.

Jennifer - posted on 11/30/2009

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It doesn't matter if you have one or more than one child, my family in-laws always compare there kids to mine. "Owen wasn't as fat as Jade" They'll say. You can't get away from it unless you have the guts to confront them and tell them how you feel or just forget about it until the next time it happens.

Leslie - posted on 11/29/2009

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Yep. It's just a common thing. You will catch yourself doing it to. It's a big deal when your child does something for the first time. It isn't a big deal someone else, so they don't always think of how excited you are or how the are responding.

Meghan - posted on 11/29/2009

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I know how you feel! My cousin had a little boy three days before my daughter was born. Our family is constantly comparing the two.

"He's doing this, this, this, and this.... why isn't she?!?!?"

"She sleeps through the night already!!!! Why doesn't he?"

... etc. etc. etc.

It can be really frustrating. I just always have to remind myself that regardless of what anyone says, each and every baby is different!!! They all develop and grow at their own pace! It helps me not worry so much about what all the other babies have done, and focus on and enjoy what my daughter is doing.

E - posted on 11/29/2009

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In-laws... can't be with them and it is still illegal to shot them!!!.. :-)

I have both worlds... on my side of the family, my girl is the first (and only) one....so, I'm fighting to make sure my mother remembers that this is MY child and that I am the one who makes the decisions about her.... and fighting with my sisters to prevent them from spoiling my girl!!!

on the other side ... my girl is "grandchild" number 9 - the others range from 22 years old to 6 years old, and most of them are boys, so my girl gets attention...but they are not as enthusiastic as my family... they see her every so-often, but as soon as she walks in the door (yes, my girl is already walking, yeah!) they start talking about the 'next' grandchild (another gilr, born 10 months after my girl).....

can't win!!!

Kristina - posted on 11/28/2009

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I know how you feel. My 2nd looks like my younger sister so my grandma compairs them a lot. It didn't stop but is happening less since I snapped at her one day and said "Well this is Baillie.... NOT Kelsey!" I don't care how a like to kids are they are their own people. Try to explain that it makes you uncomfortable and you that you would apreciate it if they kept their "advice" to themself (if you want it to be less conflict, tell them it's so you can figure things out on your own and you'll ask if you need anything).... Don't let it ruin relationships, emotions and opinions run high when kids are involved.

Victoria - posted on 11/28/2009

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I have to agree, to ignore it and all babies do things differently and at different times. My neice is 6 months older than my daughter, everyone looks at them and thinks their twins because they are the same size. I sometimes have to stop and think, why is she doing this and she isn't and even my mom will say "Vickie don't forget she is 6 months older than her, so don't worry about it". So happy to say our parents don't compare =)

Paulina - posted on 11/28/2009

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trust me people love to compare don't let it get to you each baby is diffrent and they do things at there time

Stephanie - posted on 11/28/2009

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I know the feeling. My daughter is 3 weeks younger thatn my brothers and 6 months older than my other brothers...it is so annoying. With the oldest grandbaby only being 3 weeks older everything that my little one does is 'oh Ayden is already doing that, or why isnt Ayden doing that yet' their milestones are so close that everyone thinks that just because one is doing it the other shoulde be. My mom had the gaw to say to me that Ayden is playing with toys so much more mature than my daughter is. My daughter doesnt really care about toys. She like to play with things around the house....it can get frustrating and I feel your pain. LOL

I usually try and shrug it off or make a comment back to let plp know that they are different babies.

My brother is really competative with me for what ever reason. He is 8 years younger than me and when his wife became prego he decided to tell my by saying 'ha ha beat you!' I thought it was so stupid.

Any who, I digress. Best of luck to you!

AMBER - posted on 11/27/2009

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MY SISTER & I ARE NIGHT & DAY OPPOSITE. WE TRIED 2 CONCEIVE 4 YRS. THEN ADOPTED. MY SISTER HAD HER SON @16 NO PROB THEN HE WAS REMOVED FROM HER CARE. .... I NEVER RECEIVED A BABY SHOWER/WELCOME 2 THE FAMILY. OR MUCH ACKNOLEDGEMENT JUST HI, HOW CUTE & A CARD. I GOT MY SON THE SAME TIME MY SISTER GOT HER SON BACK, @ 2 YRS OLD. NOW 4 1/2 & THESE BOYS HAD A VERY HARD FIRST 2 YRS. BUT MY NEPHW IS STILL JUST FLAT OUT CATERED 2. & VERY BIG IMPORTANT 2 THE FAMILY SO I TRIED 2 CONVINCE MYSELF ABOUT HOW MAYBE THEY WERE STILL WORIED ABOUT HIS HOME LIFE W/ MY SISTER. BUT MY SON IS NEVER INVOLVED UNLESS I HAVE 2 PUSH THEN I END UP FEELING AS IF HE IS NOT WANTED WHICH I HOPE IS NOT TRUE. EVERY CHILD NEEDS 2 BUILD THE RELATIONSHIP W/ THEIR GRANDPARENTS, BUT I CANT FORCE ONE. MY LAST DRAW WAS WHEN IT WAS GRADUATION @ THEIR 1st YR. OF PRE SCH. MY NEPHEWS WAS CLASS 1st THEN MY SONS. NOBODY STAYED FOR MY SONS I CAUGHT UP W/ MY FAMILY IN THE HALLWAY & THEY NEW I WAS SOOO UPSET & IT WAS SAID "SORRY WE FORGOT." HOW? BEATS ME. I HAVE HAD MANY DISCUSSIONS W/ MY MOM & GRAMA THEY SAY THEY JUST DONT HAVE 2 WORRY ABOUT US!!! SO MY HUSBAND & I KEEP EMBRACING HIM. WE CELEBRATE ALL OF THE LITTLE, YET SUCH BIG MOMENTS IN HIS LIFE @ HOME & THAT WAY WE CAN CARRY ON AS MUCH AS WE WANT/NEED.

Jodie - posted on 11/27/2009

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yes and no,its a werid situation,my sons nanna,did it,not compare,more a least sort of disowned him.after 4yrs of having him every single fortnight,it started to fade away.when her oldest daughter got pregant.although she never stop seeing him,it was when she could be bothered.but the difference is for me,i didnt care as i wasnt with his father.so i could cut all contact from her. you on the other hand cant.so i reckon,if your husbund hasnt all ready tryed,get him to talk to them and ask why.another reason is,that they may think you cant parent your child,which clearly you can.and by comparing your girl to her cousin,isnt kool.they need to realise the kids cant be or do the same,kids are their people.and that sux.you should go and have it out with the mother n law.course if her childish behaviour contiunes,either the two girls will end up hating each other,or your girl will one day click on,that nanna likes your neice,more than her,and she will not wont to see her nanna,and thats sad.you have to make her realise the long term affect it could have on both girls.and the family,i know things like this has torned families apart,and you dont wont that.dont think you have done something wrong or cant match up to ya mother n law,course her daughter does things differently to how you raise your girl.course you havent.what it seem to me.that you are not doing the things you should be that is up to their standards of parenting.but why should you.we all parent our kids different to other mums.but dont let it get the better of you.then they know they are p...... you off.so you just go and tell them how it is,if it causes a rift,well thats her issue,not yours.shes being silly,comparing her grand daughters,and they are both under 5.thats just stuipd behaviour from an adult,grandparents should love their grandkids equally,dispite how you are raising her.they know that you dont listen to them,when they try to give you advice.you are her mum.just be strong and you tell your mother n law,that in the end if she contiunes this crap,not only will it mess with your girl emotional when shes at an age to understand what her nanna is doing,it could lead to a family meltdown.course one day,it will get the better of you,and you wiould of had enuf,and thats when you may decide not to have any more contact.and it that happens,and ya mother n law has a meltdown over it.turn around and say,you did this,by comparing the girls.so to avoid that.you need to be the better person,and have it out with her,it may be the only way to solve it.or its will just contiune.and thats not fair on the girls.so good luck,and i hope ya mother n law realises one day,the affect it could impact on the girls.hope it works out for you.

Ruth - posted on 11/26/2009

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my family dose this we have 7 great grand childeren from both sides of my family and the only girl is my daughter it is a constent thing. but we all seem to enjoy it and if the kids do things different than each other we enjoy that to. all of us parents just try to not take it to heart. lol esp my bother and his wife who have twins one of them is allways one upping the other they do things on there own time table.

Ashlie - posted on 11/26/2009

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all my cuzns including me had babies within 4 monthes of each other so 5 babies from may till sept and its a constant thing on which baby does what and what the moms do i hate it

Michelle - posted on 11/25/2009

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CONSTANTLY!!! Its just something i learned to live with. My niece (a year younger than my girl) is always compared to my child. Well not compared but she is (for lack of another word) then my daughter. She started walking sooner, she talked sooner, she learns things faster. Its a bunch of nonsense but whatever. if it makes them feel better i just let them think it. I know my daughter is smart and beautiful. she is doing math at 4 years old...that is pretty impressive i think...with no help from me. she figured it out by herself and loves it. Now all of the sudden her cousin can do math too. anyway, conparing one child to another is really dumb but something you just have to put up with. You can tell them how you feel about it but chances are they will still do it. As for the presents, sorry, i have no advice for that one.

Melissa - posted on 11/25/2009

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Thank you so much for all of yall comments! Its so nice to see that i am not the only person going through things alone, the problem is found in a lot more households. Thank you for taking the time to respond!

Kimberly - posted on 11/25/2009

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I'm really close to my mom's side, me and my cousins were best friends growing up. When we got news that she was pregnant, we were all very excited. Then, a month later, I find out I'm pregnant too! Then, halfway through our pregnancies, my cousin's brother finds out his wife is pregnant too!



3 babies born in the same year. My baby was born a month before my cousin's baby though. We needed to do an emergency c-section 2 months early because the amniotic fluid was too low. Anyway. My daughter, Eleanor, is 8 months old and thriving! My cousin's daughter, Aliyah, is 7 months old and a very big eater. My other cousin's daughter, Tirzah, is 3 months old and also doing very well.



It feels like a competition for every milestone. To see who can get there first. Since the family sees the other two more often, they're always comparing personalities. Its not fair at all because they're not the same! They are three completely different people!



I say talk to your husband about it, and at some point, gently remind your mother-in-law that your baby is not like any other person in the family. She will go at her own pace if she darn well pleases to. These milestones are very important to you, so a little bit more appreciation for them would be nice.



Your baby is her own person, it would be nice if she were shown a little bit more respect by not shoving her into a mold that some other kid has already put in place. This is not the family environment you want your child to grow up in. You want your child to feel appreciated and special, that way she can grow up with self confidence, knowing that her family loves her for who she is, not matching what her cousin has accomplished. Nobody wants to live under the shadows of another person. Its just not fair!

Lori - posted on 11/25/2009

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I think it's unavoidable and I think we've all done it from time to time, maybe not comparing babies to eachother but comparing yourself to someone else or their experience. I've learned that people naturally have the need to share what they've experienced and mean it to be advice or support, while in the end having it only feel like a put-down to you. I think it's just important to realize that they really do mean well and to just take it with a grain of salt.

Tracie - posted on 11/25/2009

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Develop a standard reply that is polite but to-the-point like, "Well, everyone is their own unique person so you never know..." or "Kendra is her own unique self so we'll see..." or "Well, Kendra and Ary are two completely different people so only time will tell..." After hearing the same response repeatedly from you, they may begin to realize what they're doing without you or your husband having to turn it into "a talk" about their insensitivity. Stay positive, happy and polite and your in-laws will have nothing to complain about.

I have a similar issue with my mom. She is always comparing/contrasting my two girls to each other. The reality is that they are alike in some ways and different in others, but that's to be expected since they are each unique individuals. I have said to her point blank not to compare my girls like that, it's unhealthy, breeds rivalry, etc. but she just isn't getting it. I've given up and now I just always respond with, "She is one unique individual," and after I say this same phrase 4 times in a row, she gets the hint and stops the comparison. Unfortunately these "lessons" don't seem to carry over to the next time we see her and I have to do it again, but at least I am showing my girls that I value them each for their own attributes and don't expect them to compete with each other for my favor.

Best of luck to your and your precious baby girl!

Christine - posted on 11/25/2009

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unfortunately that happens with most families, i have two daughters (natalie, 6, and louise, 3) and my mum-in-law and sis-in-law have both given their opinions on how i should bring up my kids from the moment i fell pregnant. gill (my sis-in-law) didnt have her first child until 2yrs ago and she now has two boys (blake, 2, and kirk, 1) and they couldnt be more different from my two, apart from the obvious differences. my two are very outgoing and sociable and love to interact with people, they are always bubbly and love to play with anyone but her boys are the complete opposite. they dont like noise and arent very sociable at all. they are always comparing her two to mine and i dont see the point. ive had some friends who were pregnant at the same time as me who have done the same with the kids but i dont understand why, kids develop in their own time. ive enjoyed my kids reaching their own goals in their own times and its been a wonderful experience with both of them. you obviously appreciate your daughter for who she is, just keep doing that. id say ignore them, i do, its hard but im sick of the in-laws too. hope this helps?

Brittany - posted on 11/25/2009

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my mil does that, but between my two boys! my oldest is my step son, but i have been in his life since he was 2 weeks old and the only mommy he knows since 6 months. but me and my husband just had a son that is 5 months old now (older son is 20 months). my mil just praises my older son and my younger son is always criticized for not developing as fast as the older one. and it gets really frustrating because when she gets around other family she always acts like both my sons are so wonderful but not when nobody else is around. i think all parents/grandparents do it to a certain point. and i wish i could tell you there was something to do to fix it, but i havent found it yet.

Renae - posted on 11/25/2009

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Yep, me too! When my baby was born, MIL went and bought me the same nappy cream, moisturiser, wipes, nappies that my SIL used. BTW I tried it all and none of it worked for my baby, I ended up using totally different stuff, all kids are diff I guess. In my case she means well, but when my baby developed a feeding disorder from severe reflux, MIL dug up SIL's diary to compare feeding habits... NOT HELPFUL! Sorry not much advice happening here! I honestly don't think they even know they are doing it and I don't think there is much you can do about it. I try to ignore it and just dont see them more than once a week in small doses (MIL visits SIL nearly every day - but that's just not for me). If you figure out how to stop it let me know!

Chelle - posted on 11/25/2009

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no advice but id like to say im in the same situation....my sisters little boy is 5months older then my little girl and when im really excited about lilly learning to sit up on her own or say her 1st word my familys reaction is "he did by that age" and things like ..."lilly should be holding her own bottle already because ronnie was doing it at 6 months" well my daughter isnt ronnie! she will do what she wants in her own time.

Melanie - posted on 11/25/2009

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Yep I get it too!! My nephew is three weeks younger then my daughter. He was meant to be born three days before my bub but i had an emergancy c-section three weeks early and he was a few days late. I feel like its always bryn this bryn that. Bryn smiled before taya bryn sat before taya. I think it's really sad, i love my nephew and enjoy him for him and am proud of him when he does things i just wish people would realise that bryn is bryn and taya is taya and be happy for taya when she does new things even if bryn did it first. my daughter personality has really started coming out the last few weeks, she loves making lots of noise and love to always be moving and on the go, she gets very upset all the time at the moment as she wants to crawl but cant yet. my mum is staying with me for two weeks while hubby is away and ever since she got here she has been saying how naughty taya is and what a devil child she is and what a bad temper she has and that bryn is so quiet and so well behaved (she's only 7mths old!!)

i got it through the pregnacy to your putting on more weight then your sis in law she has such a nice little belly yours is so big!

Erica - posted on 11/24/2009

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My mother is the one who does the comparing but it's more like you and your husband do things the way I want you to instead of the way your brother did it so I'm not going to give you help b/c you don't need it. And she continues to give all her attention to my neice and nephew and Caroline is kind of forgotten. Until I make a comment that my mom thinks I'm trying to say that Caroline is more advanced than my neice or nephew then she gets mean and defensive.



I've just gotten to the point that if I want to talk to some one who gets excited with me on things I call my MIL Caroline is her 5th grandchild but she has more hands on with her than her other grandchildren and she understands that this is all new to me. My suggestion is to find some one else to share your "big" news with!

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I'm assuming your daughter is your first child (that's how it sounds in your post, sorry if I'm wrong), so for you every little thing is special and unique and new, but for your in laws it's the second new baby in the family so her milestones are "old hat". It sucks, but it's really a subconscious thing on their part. I agree with Elisha, learning to ignore it will make it easier. It'll get easier to ignore it with time. Trust me; my 2 month old daughter has been being compared to her 13 older cousins on her father's side since before she was born (and honestly, my in-laws have been comparing my potential children to their other grandkids since before I was even pregnant).

Honestly, it's probably not deliberate or malicious on their part, they just don't realize that they're doing it. Talk to your husband and tell him that he needs to back you up; maybe talking to his family together would help.

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