Does being a SAHM mean you have to do everything???

Amanda - posted on 06/08/2011 ( 66 moms have responded )

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When I became a SAHM after my daughter (baby no2 was born) I said I would do "most" of the day to day running of he house. That didn't mean that all my husband did was go out to work, I still expected him to pull his weight and help me out round the house and with the kids. After all they are his kids too and I'm no the only one that needs washing done, food to eat, uses the bathroom or makes the mess.

What are your opinions on the subject???

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[deleted account]

I seriously wonder if some of these expectations is really caused by resentment from our partners. I know my ex resented my being able to "take it easy" at home while he "slaved away". He would deliberately make messes for me to clean up and encourage the kids to do things to make my life harder.

Passive agressive stuff reigned surpreme. The sad thing is that for a while I bought into the whole I am not working as hard as you thing. It robbed me of some of the joy that should have been mine for that brief period of time I got to be with my girls.

Tasha - posted on 06/09/2011

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I am a SAHM and i feel that i should be responsible for a lot of the household duties, because i am at home, but i shouldnt be the only one to do things around the house. My husband used to be a really clean person in general, now he leave socks on the floor, nasty dishes, stuffs the garbage instead of taking it out, like he would have before. Its almost like he feels like he can be an extra slob because im home, so i should clean it. I used to work a maintenance job, ditch digging, irrigation, etc..., he has always worked an office job, when we both worked we shared most chores, and i can admit he did more of the house stuff and i did the lawn care and handy chores. At this piont, my job is to take care of my son, and the dog of course, hes like my kid too, and i make an effort to clean the house and get dinner going, but if i dont get to it, i dont get to it. Id rather have a happy baby than a clean house. Sometimes i do get the look if the house is a mess when he gets home, or the snide, "so what DID you do today?", i say nothing or that i took care of a baby all day, if im feeling grumpy ill say something smartass. I say it should still be a joint effort, i dont mind doing more cause im home, but he doesnt get to do nothing when he gets home, he apparently doesnt know that yet!

Wendy - posted on 06/13/2011

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There is a reason that people who run businesses like Day Cares/homes, Preschools, Old Folks homes, etc, charge money to take care of your loved one - be it a child or elder. Because taking care of another person is a full time job - and then some when you are caring for more than one other person, especially while keeping your sanity intact. I don't know how any SAHM could think it be all her responsibility to keep house and children all on her own when the man is home at the end of the day. As previously said, (read my prev post here for other opinions), being a sahm is a 24 hour a day, 7 days a week job - unpaid. My husband gets sat/sun off, and he takes a sick day here and there. When I am sick, he still goes to work and I am still at home, taking care of the kids. I ask him to take a little more on, child wise, on the weekends, but still give him plenty of space and time for himself because I also understand it is his weekend - but these are also his children who do miss their father during the week and love spending time with him.
He also gets to take the ocassional time off for vacation. But when we go on vaca it is also usually MOM who will do a great deal of the child minding - so still, not a full vaca for mom. Now I am by no means complaining - I love my children and would do anything for them, and if I had to care for them alone, I would make it work. But the point here is that there ARE two parents in the picture, and child minding is a full time+++ job - so having help from your spouse is not a question, it should be a given. It takes two to tango, so to speak. We made these kids together, take equal responsibility. Also, if you live in the same house, your adding to the messes that will need cleaning up - pull your weight when you can.

[deleted account]

My husband plays with our son and helps with him. He also takes him to sport practices and other lessons if he is not at work. This gives him more time with our son since he is at work all day and I get to spend all day playing with J.

The "running of the house" so to speak, is my job. When hubby is home, I want him interacting with J and building a strong relationship and bond. I don't want him cleaning the bathroom while I spend more time with J.

I spend most of the day focused on J. I do get most of the cleaning done, but I save some jobs for when dh is home--he gets one on one time with J, and I get to finish my work without distraction. It's win/win :)

Tamara - posted on 06/09/2011

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It took me a while to convince myself and then DH that SAHM is Stay At home MOM not Stay at Home MAID. My first and foremost job is to raise the children, then myself then the house. (the house part does get a little easier when they get older)

One thing I did to help convince DH was I left him alone with the kids for the weekend, and a list of what I would normally accomplish during the day, I also left a list of what I felt his expectations are. So he could see the difference. after the weekend was over I came home and half the stuff I did was done, I asked Well what did you do all weekend. I got a look and was told he would help do more around the house he didn't realize how hard it is to take care of the kids full time.

We ended up sitting down and discussed what we expected the house to look like and what things we expected to be done, from there split the chores down he said he would keep the kids occupied while i cooked when he got home.

That was 9 years ago we have added the children to the chores since then we both still have things that we are responsible for as do I.

Good luck

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Jdsmith - posted on 12/31/2012

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Being a SAH parent should mean that you do all the housework. While it has been said that you are a mom 24/7, that is hardly the case. Most SAHM have plenty of time to get this done. Now if you have a newborn(Less the 12 MO), this would be an exception but only because you have to get up in the middle of the night for feedings. Once you have the kids on a sleep/eat schedule, all other activities are at your discretion. Don't have time for ballet, soccer and laundry, then it should be ballet or soccer that gets the boot, not laundry. Can't take care of the house and homeschool your children, then send you kid to school like a normal person and then clean and run errands then.

The reason that many of you are complaining is because of extracurricular activities that you have decided are necessary. The way it is supposed to work, is that you work time in to do the housework and take care of the the kids. After repeating this process for a while, you become so efficient(due to repetition) that now you have time where there is nothing that needs to be done. Now is where you read or facebook or volunteer. The fact is that if you have not figured out how to get the housework done, keep the kids entertained and make dinner then you should not be adding in additional responsibilities(homeschooling, volunteering etc.)

Jenn - posted on 11/13/2011

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My hubby works full time running a chainsaw cutting trees down, so while it is physically draining, i still do expect him to help out. Not even really do chores so much as pick up after himself, simple things that i feel should be done by anybody like rinsing your plate when done eating, etc. But he has a habit of coming home, taking of his work clothes and leaving them in a pile on the floor. This DRIVES me mad. I understand you are tired but c'mon! But he does help out if i ask him to, although at times i feel like i have three kids instead of two because i feel like i am always nagging and reminding him as well. Too be fair though he is great with bringing the kids out so i can get things done and he does all the ""manly' work such as yard work and taking out the trash, etc. It is more the little seemingly insignificant things that bother me.
He plays the whole "I work all day, what do you do?" card, but i think deep down he knows he couldn't handle it:P And he does tell me i am a great mom and i do a great job, except when he is in a bad mood or had a bad day at work, thats when he can kinda pick at me. I try not to take it too personally though because we all have bad days sometimes. The way i see it is he makes a mess he should help clean it. Simple as that. Like i tell him, yes you work all day but you get breaks, you get lunch time, you get PAID. I get no breaks, no vacation, no sick days and NO PAY. (Well it does pay but in a different way:) In kisses and hugs and love♥

Nelly - posted on 11/13/2011

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Yes that comes with the territory my husband works all day out of the home and i work all day in the home

Kathy - posted on 11/11/2011

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Lately I'd say my husband is starting to think so, to the point that tonight we got into a fight... My daughter had been eating a snack and left some crumbs on the floor today and I got reamed out cause they were there 3-4 days when they were maybe there 3-4 hours... I knew they weren't there yesterday cause it was crumbs of groceries we got yesterday.... Makes me mad cause he'll try to say I don't ever clean, then says I don't expect spotless just clean yet unless its spotless he doesn't see it and thinks I sat and watched TV all day when I only sit all day if I'm sick.... I'm getting to my wits end with it and getting tired of basically being called a liar about it... anyone got any advice on it? Before I give up and walk away?

Audra - posted on 11/09/2011

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After my husband gets home, he wants to see our boys so that helps me manage them in and of itself. I may ask him to bathe one, change one's diaper, or put one of them to bed. All that I really expect is that he picks up after himself once he's home, as not to undo all of my efforts during the day.

Candhl - posted on 10/25/2011

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I don't think it's fair for him to have to work a FT job and help you with your job to. Being a SAHM is a job and I think by choosing to be a SAHM you should take care of everything in the home. Helping take care of the kids is a different story. My husband helps with our son alot and takes the trash out and keeps the yard clean and vehicles running which is fine by me. I personally would not want (or expect) my husband to work 12+ hours per day and then have to come home to find he has a 'to-do' list.

[deleted account]

Nope! It means you are available to do things for the family during his work hrs. after that, you are all in this together. when you are a SAHM (or SAHD), the primary respnsibility is taking care of the kids. If I ignored my kids for the 8-10 hrs during the day instead doing something with them, then what is the point of being at home? In that case, daycare would be a better environment b/c there they would have other kids to play with and adults interacting and supervising them (note: most daycare workers are not off doing a bunch of chores - or we'd accuse them of not paying attention to the kids).

Does that mean we can't vacuum sometimes or clean a toilet? No, but it's not going to all get done. And the more kids you have, the harder it'll be just b/c it's likely that SOMEONE will need SOMETHING. Or the younger your kids are, the less time you'll have b/c they need more help or need more attention.

So, once outside-the-home-working parent has returned, it's the two of them working together to get things done, whetherit's meals, or kids' sports practices, etc. If you both chip in for the most efficient schedule, you'll both.be rested and there won't be any resentment. and the kids see a good example in action. I used to do certain chores and would!'t let my husband do it (figured it wouldn't take that long and I was more efficient just b/c i did those things more often, but then I stopped saying no b/c i heard my son saying "doesn't mommy do that?" and i wanted him to learn from the get go what's right. (Not to say that I don't have to ask my husband to help - ido sometimes- but the chores he more readily offers to do without asking are the few chores he saw his dad do so it does make an impact down the line.)

Carrie - posted on 06/15/2011

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Parenting isnt a one person job, ask any one doing it alone they will tell you it is better to share the duties. I guess I'm lucky. I generally handle things because I feel it is pretty much my job but if something isn't done my hubby doesn't say anything and I doubt he notices. but if I need help all I have to do is ask after I have given him a few minutes to change and wind down on friday nights if the baby wakes up he gets up and on saturday and sunday he pretty much handles the kids so I can relax a little. So I guess I'm pretty blessed and I know it

Emma - posted on 06/15/2011

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hubby works very hard in London and we live in a large house in the country so he is out at work 7am until 8pm. As the SAHM i do every aspect of everything in our house: tidying, cleaning, washing, bins, childcare - you ladies know how the list goes on! hubby helps with bits if I ask him to but he never gets to see his 2 yr old during the week coz of the hours he works so I view the weekend as his chill out and family time. It makes it hard work, but hubby employs cleaner and gardener on fortnightly basis so I only have to do housework on a lick and a promise basis which, with 14 b'rooms, does help! I would rather run the house, be a sahm and have a hubby who does v little than I would be at work!

Gwen - posted on 06/14/2011

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I always say that since he has a full-time job, I'll take one on too. That means ONE full-time job is mine. I can do childcare. I can do schooling. I can do housework. One of them is mine, the rest are family responsibilities :)

Natasha - posted on 06/14/2011

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I agree he needs to help out, just because you're a SAHM doesn't mean you're a maid, cook, servant all in one, I mean we don't even get paid for what we do. We do it simply for our kids and also because it needs to be done lol but he should definitely help you out! =]

Wendy - posted on 06/14/2011

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it also depends on the size of your home, how many children you have, any health issues there may be in your own small family, how often you make a point of getting your kids out of the house for out door activities with or without other children. Most of my cleaning is done when my kids nap - at their age, my amount of so called "down time" is at a bare minimum. If I need to get something done like dishes or whatever when they are awake, and they don't like it, they can cry. But I would like to spend as much time as I can while they are young with them, teaching them what we would like them to learn as opposed to something someone else might teach them outside of the home. I don't think you can define what is fair for anyone elses husband no matter how much they work. We go all day too, however you choose to look at it, or however many excuses - if it makes you happy fine - but it doesnt mean you do any less or get so many breaks. my husband also works 50-70hr weeks, he is gone early and often is not home till somewhere between 5 and 8 in the evening. But he still manages to make a mess when he is home, and his kids still love and needs his time. for all the excuses in the world - kids need both parents at the end of the day - and we all contribute to the household mess, and therefore all hold some responsibility to help out where and when we can.

Christina - posted on 06/14/2011

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LOL.... I had this conversation with my husband a few days ago (and a few times before that)...When I brought it up he said you always seem to have it handled. I laughed. Sometimes they need to be reminded. Sometimes we do our job too good and they think we don't need help. We have to remember that they aren't mind readers. After we have these conversations he's good for a little bit and then slides again, I just remind him that I need some help when he gets home. I try to let him have a about 30 mins when he gets home to unwind. Then ask nicely. He doesn't say that he could stay home with the kids anymore. I had a class I needed to take in person and left him with our daughter. When I came home he said I don't know how you do it.LOL. Have some patience guys are not built like us and multi-tasking is hard on them. Doesn't mean it's not frustrating. Hang in there darlin'.

Lisa - posted on 06/13/2011

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As a SAHM, I am in charge of organizing everything that goes on in the house. DH works all day without much of a break. I think I do about the same amount of work, but spread out over more hours.

Still, there are some things I HATE to do that he helps me with (mostly gross things like cleaning the refrigerator). He'll also help me out if I'm having a really hard day, but I don't get worked up if he doesn't do it MY way or if it's only "Daddy Clean!"

I also make sure the kids have plenty of "Daddy Time," which, of course, means that he takes them out of my hair to do something fun while I get to stay home and relax.


The best of both worlds!

Erin - posted on 06/13/2011

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I've been a stay at home wife and mom ever since we got married seven years ago. I feel like it is my job to do the housework and take care of my kids (the second one will be here in about 2 weeks!) I expect my husband to go to work and make the money, and at home I expect him to take out the trash, take care of the yard work and spend time with me and the kids. He does things for me like laundry and dishes to be nice, or if I'm sick and don't feel good, and this works for us. I have a SAHM friend who feels the same way and we set up a points system between the two of us to see who gets the "Supermom" award at the end of the month to keep housework as fun as it can be! And it keeps us motivated to keep everything done!

Jessica - posted on 06/13/2011

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I also agree with you, BUT.. When you are a SAHM all the weight does fall on you! You take care of the kid(s), do dishes, laundry ect. it doesn't seem fair that the husband just goes to work and comes home and gets to relax, but then again he is making the money for you to be home and lets face it daycare is outragous!

Ticia - posted on 06/13/2011

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i agree you should not have to do it all ...but i do take on much more since i am SAHM...but he will still ahve to do some of the house stuff also...i will not be here to do it all just cause he works an makes the money to pay the bills does not mean it makes him exempt from any house work...there is the things he always done like all the yr work is his but that is cause he likes it that way..which is fine with me..an there are certain things i like to do myself..but there should be no reason why the SAHM has to do all house related jobs.....the out of the house worker needs to help out some also !!!! but i do take on most of the running of the house an he lends a hand if need be !!! which i appreciate greatly !!!

Fabiana - posted on 06/13/2011

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that sounds familiar, i pratically do everything for my kinds and the house and fixing things in the house what some men don't understand is that been a mum is 24 hour,at the weekend i ask him to keep an eye when i need to clean the house upstairs and if i take an hour he says i'm ingnoring the children LOL now i just ignore it i try to carry on as i am at least i get things done but i just need to tell a few home truths when he gets under my skin or disruptes my routine but he's a good husband and dad in other ways

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i tell my husband i'm a stay at home mum, not a maid. granted i do most of the house work anyway. but the reailty is this: he works set hours every day, and then he gets to have a break and a rest, he has weekend off, and if he is sick he takes the day. As a SAHM I don't even get to go the the toilet alone. I work 24/7 atm as we have a new born and a 2.5yr old. My husband can't see things that need to be done, he has to be told, even if it is something he does often (like clean the kitty litter). However if he is expecting the best care for his children then he needs to understand that it takes time and therefore household jobs must wait!

Wendy - posted on 06/12/2011

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It is most certainly not the duty of a sahm to do EVERYTHING around the house. We ARE home with the kids all day so to speak - but that also means not only are we caring for ourselves but another person or persons all day. We have to feed other mouths, change diapers/do potty time, baths, play time, walks, deal with the boo-boos, the tantrums, etc, etc, etc. Plus take care of ourselves. Add on top of that, house work - dishes, piles of laundry, floors, bathrooms, bedrooms, toys toys toys toys, food prep - feeding - after meal clean up, snack times, etc etc. I have a 32month old and a14 month old - I try my best to keep our house tidy on top of caring for the kids, and taking care of groceries and bills and other out of the home business. My husband understands when he comes home and the house isn't tidy some days, when I ask him to bathe the kids whiel I finish cleaning up after dinner, or to make sure their teeth are brushed, or to change a diaper - or bring out the garbage or *gasp* fill the dish washer. I clean up after two kids, myself, and a full grown man - he is there to help where he can.
When he does huff and puff when I ask him to do something I simply say - I would be more than happy to go back to work and learn to speak Adult again, you could stay home with the kids every day, and he quickly changes his tune. I went away for 2 days once when we only had one baby, and he never complained after that if there is a pile of dirty laundry, or dishes, or a room or two haven't been cleaned.

Jenny - posted on 06/12/2011

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I do all most everything around the house eventhough I am a full time student & he old does oddes and ends as to work. My unemployment covers most of the bills, so I am still the main "bread winner" of the house and have been most of our marrage.

Don't get me wrong he does get them dinner & off to bed when I'm in school, but doesn't clean up that is waiting for when I get home. Unless I fall really far behind like I did when working an internship 35 hr and going to school 25 hr a week then he will help only because he has to inorder to cook and serve meals. But the mowing, snow blowing & home/car repair is all his.

Yes, it bothers me from time to time... but I choose the battles I do and don't want to fight & try to make it work. In the end I will be rewarded & usually get rewarded by smiling little ones and lots of hugs. Which helps a lot on a rough day.

Good luck finding your happy medium!

Kathy - posted on 06/11/2011

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I'm pretty new to the SAHM thing myself but so far nope, when Darcey's working yes I do as much as I can but he works 7 on 7 off 12 hour days, so when he works its limited how much he does, but he still spends time with Fay, but his days off he helps out alot. In fact after getting a new swiffer-vac this last week he did ALL the floors for me, although I really think its kinda the new toy thing lol.

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My husband helps out after work and on weekends. I do try to get as much done as I can in the day by myself, cuz hey, it is my job after all. But when he comes home my job becomes our job because it isn't fair for me to work all hours of the day and him to only work 8 hours. And on weekends we split the work too. But I don't nag him (anymore;) if I'd like him to be doing something to help I just ask, "hey could you please do this?" and he almost always says yes and if he doesn't there's usually a very good reason.

Jennifer - posted on 06/11/2011

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Since I stay home and really want to stay home forever (yes even after the kids are in school! I'm planning on running a home craft business) I look at the house as my job. My husbands job is to make the money, my job is to have the house clean, laundry done etc. But we both raise and take care of our children. It works for us and my husband never expects anything. If he comes home from work and I have not cleaned anything because I've had a rough day with the kids he just either lets me take a break or pitches in and helps with the housework.

Oh but he does mow the lawn and take out the garbage. Those are the only responsibilities that he really has on a normal basis. It works for us really well :)

Alicia - posted on 06/11/2011

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first off lets start with my husband deploys often so when hes gone i obviously do everything but while he is home he works 430-530 everyday, and sometimes saturdays. i clean everything and take care of everything on the inside of the house, if he comes home and im in the middle of dinner he will help if i need it and then he always does the dinner dishes for me. all without having to ask. on the weekends he does the yard work (weed eat and mow) while my daughter and i pull weeds. i dont think SAHMs are meant to do everything, but i also dont think our husbands should be doing half, IMO its rude to expect even more than what they already do, provide for our family!

Jennifer - posted on 06/10/2011

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My husband thought that I would be doing everything around the house at first. Now he helps out when I ask him to. I still do the majority of the cleaning/washing up/laundry/cooking, but if I ask him to help, he usually does without objection. I think that the fact that he works night shift helps him to see what I have to deal with during the day - especially when our 2 year old twins decide to go absolutely bonkers, and our 11 month old joins in, and he gets woken up because of all the noise. I am pretty lucky though - we have a 13 year old that helps me out a lot, and gives me a break now and then so that I can get some "me" time....even if it's only for 15 minutes.

And no, you shouldn't have to do everything. He does still need to help - he needs to remember that he works his shift at work for a set amount of hours per day - your shift at work never ends!

Latoria - posted on 06/10/2011

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I agree! I have been working since I was 14, and never been without a job until I became pregnant with my daughter and my doctors discovered that I had some ovarian cysts, and decided it was best to quit my job and be pretty much put on bed rest, since I could not be on my feet for long because they did not want my cysts to burst. From that time till now, my fiance has been sooo extremely helpful, with everything from cooking, cleaning, and helping with DD! Even after I had our daughter, and we decided that I would be a SAHM until we decide that our daughter is old enough to go to preschool or a really good daycare, and he is still working crazy hours at work, (9-18 hour days), he will still come home and help with DD, laundry, cleaning, and all of the yard work and maintenance to the outside of the house. And on his off days we work together to get a lot of the deep cleaning done to the house, and spend lots of time together with our lil princess! :-) Keeping up with a toddler, and keeping them entertained and feed and happy all day is a job in itself, not including housework, so your SO should of course help out, even if it is just with a couple of things that you could not get to throughout the day...

Tiffany - posted on 06/10/2011

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I do everything and by everything, i mean everything. I cook, clean, laundry groc shop, manage the money, go pick his check up frm wrk, go pay bills, i take the garb to the road, bring it back frm the rd, mow, weedeat, bath the kids, feed the kids,bathe and groom 2 house dogs, feed his outside dog, feed the house dogs and the cat, and so much more all while bottle feeding 3 orphaned kittens. No I dont like it and no i dont think its right or fair. but its what i do. it is slowly changin as he is finally seeing (after 7 years) that it is hard on me. but not as quick as i would like for it to. but hes coming around. It really hit him one day when he came in for lunch at 11 and the kids were at his dads and i was still asleep. He woke me up and laughed and jokingly said "Lazy ass" and I snapped and yelled out everything i have been doing over the years. lol. but long story short, no we are not suppose to do everything lol

Kelly - posted on 06/10/2011

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my opinion, he helped make them, he can help take care of them. some men just do not understand what it takes to be a SAHM. it is the hardest, most underpaid and unappreciated job there is. at the same time, being a mom is the best thing in the world

Valerie - posted on 06/10/2011

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I agree with you 100%!!Just because you stay home with your kids, doesn't mean that you are in charge of everything. My husband works all day and then comes home and still expects me to take care of him and our son. It took some work, but he is learning how to do things with a baby in tow. Bottom line, while your husband leaves the house for work, you just stay home and work. At the end of the day, however, his paying job is done and now it's time to go home and do the job of taking care of his family. Having kids is not a part time job, it's a full-time job that goes 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
Plus, you sound like this situation isn't working for you and it needs to work for all involved if you are going to have any sanity. Trust your gut reaction.

Corena - posted on 06/10/2011

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My hubby helps a lot. You should not have to do everything. You have a job too...mothering his kid/s.

Amy - posted on 06/10/2011

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Well, I'd hate to work all day and then be expected to work all night too. We do things pretty evenly. He mows, I don't. He fixes car stuff, I don't. I do laundry, he doesn't. I do dishes, he doesn't.

But when he comes home from work....We cook together and kids go play. It's not an easy job - being a dad. It's not and easy job being a mom. Yes, we have to be there for each other, but I always try and consider what it would be like if i were him. I'd REALLY feel like i had to do it all if all my wife did was cook and i had to do dishes, clean, have my job yet and would just feel so burdened.

The key is ahead of time to say...this is basically your chore, this is mine and this is how it's gonna go. Instead of just hoping he helps and then getting ticked when he doesn't.

Jamie - posted on 06/10/2011

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I am in the same spot as some of you women. My husband goes to work all day and the gym. I am by myself all day with 3 boys 4,3,and an 19 month old. I am pregnant with my 4th boy. I can try to keep up but sometimes it is just to much. im happy to be a stay at home mom. i just wish i could get a hand every once in a while, and i dont even mean with the kids. I mean with like him comin in an throwing his clothes where ever on the floor. i think that is what upsets me the most. I got my kids in to the habit of taking their clothes out to the laundry room why cant me. Am i askin to much? lol

Jessie - posted on 06/10/2011

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I too am a SAHM (obviously bc I joined this group :-) ) My hubby and I have had this convo many times. I get frustrated with him that he comes home and hides out until dinner... I am a full time student also so I have an added load on top of the housework and the kiddos. He has his times that he is worse that others... but the weekend is when we get a lot of stuff done around the house. But I totally agree... the hubbys should help out.. we are not the only ones that created the kiddos or the mess. I can remember once, my hubby told me that he needed to rest because he actually worked... That made me very upset. We both work, he just happens to get paid for his job. SAHM are cooks, nutritionists, therapists, counslers, taxi drivers, personal assistants, mediaters, play dates, etc.... we do a lot!!!

Michelle - posted on 06/10/2011

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It changed for me going from one to two and two to three. I never asked my husband to help when it was just my son and I because I could handle doing it all. Now with my two daughters thrown in the mix I'm lucky if I can get dinner on the table. Most nights after the kids go to bed I'm up until 1 trying to get laundry done, do the dishes, and pick up the living room. My husband works a job that's very mentally draining and he usually works 60+ hours a week. So I know he's tired when he's even home but he needs to help out more. Which we're working on how he can do that.

Heather - posted on 06/10/2011

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In response to Jacqueline, yes things do change somewhat when you have more children. Although I wasn't one, I'm sure an organized and well-motivated mom could get the usual housework done just maybe not in the same amount of time. The nice thing is when the kids are old enough to help out with the housework (not that they are always very willing).

Jacqueline - posted on 06/10/2011

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I am adjusting to being a full-time sahm. I was working for awhile but our company closed and my significant other said he would rather me stay home. He works 12-14 hrs a day at a very stressful job so I make it my mission to do everything during the day. Maybe it's easier b/c I have one baby but I usually get most things done. He is always quick to pitch in. He frequently comes home and after we have dinner sends me out to go tan or do my nails and cleans up the kitchen from dinner. He always does bath time and will also do bed time if i'm not home yet or he just wants the extra time with our daughter. I feel obligated because of how hard he works. We were working in the same industry before and I know how stressful it is. I'm struggling with feeling like a burden since this is the first time I haven't worked in years other than maternity leave and it makes me feel better about staying home all day and frequently have fun playing with our daughter or even computer games while he is busting his butt so much. Maybe if we have another child and this gets harder to manage on my own I will think differently. Did it change for anyone going from one to more children when it came to doing all the housework?

Stifler's - posted on 06/10/2011

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My opinions are that I am a stay at home mum. It's my "job" to look after the kids. My husband helps around the house if I ask and has certain chores he has to do. It's not solely my responsibility to maintain the house and yard and kids.

Heather - posted on 06/09/2011

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I heard a story one time where the husband came home from work to find dirty dishes in the sink, laundry undone, etc. Basically, things not the way they usually are and his wife sitting on her bed reading a magazine. He asked her what she was doing and I love her response. "You ask me what I do all day so today I didn't do it."

A friend of mine once said that her job was to take care of the kids, her husband's job was to go to work and earn the money, and the housework was something they both did when they had the time (or something like that).

Tara - posted on 06/09/2011

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welllllll lol honestly, I have a 9 year old and a 21 month old and my fiance is not their father...he has 2 boys 21 and 19...ones at college, one lives with us as well as his gf UGGH...i knw....anyways, my day consist of doing EVERYTHING but in a way I feel like its kinda MY job...maybe bc they aren't his kids but he treats them as his own...He works his butt off everyday to make sure we are well taken care of....so you decide :) BEST OF LUCK!

Amanda - posted on 06/09/2011

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My hubby is a shift worker and will work anything from a 8-16hr day BUT he does have parts of his roster where he will have a 5 or 6 day break so really he is home more than most. His job is hardly physically or mentally demanding. Some days he's lucky if he even has a job on that last more than an hour or 2 and when he is home he says its his time off so he won't do anything, even though he has spent a whole morning at the beach surfing or at the pool. Apparently I get plenty of time off coz I go to the gym for an hour and everyone else manages without help. I just wana punch him in the face or walk out and leave him too for a day. Everyone else I know has a hubby that helps and family close by that they can call to help them out with the kids. I have no -one that can help me out like that

Shannon - posted on 06/09/2011

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At the end of the day my job is to care for my children and make sure that they have everything they need and are happy. If I wanted to spend every ounce of my energy cleaning I would get a job as a maid. My husband is actually a big help with everything. He bathes our son most nights, he does laundry and helps me pick up when I ask for help. My sister's husband thinks that because she stays home that all he needs to do is go to work. If my husband were like that I would probably kick him out. It took two of you to build your household, both should help keep up with it. It took two to make your children, and both should help raise them.

Brianna - posted on 06/09/2011

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my hubby works lots of long hours so i do most of the stuff around the house. the only thing i will not do (cuz of allergies) is cutting the grass. but when my hubby is home i usually try to have all the chorse done before so that i can just spend time with him but i do except him to help we with my daughter but not with the cleaning

√v^√v^√♥ - posted on 06/09/2011

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I must say I just went through this with my boyfriend myself. I think it's a guy thing. They work at work and who doesn't want to come home and relax? But it is hard being a mother where you are always needed. No, it's not quite fair in that sense, huh? Wether you stay home or not, choose to do it all or not..... they should love us enough to gift us a peice of sanity every once in a while.



You gotta talk to your hubby. Tell him you don't want to nag at him, so you want to come to an agreement.



What worked for my boyfriend and I was a chart. I asked my boyfriend if this was okay, if we could draw out a big poster board chart and just try it. He said ok (make sure your hubby is on board along the whole process. communication is key).



Then we agreed on day to day household stuff that needs to be done. We put this list at the bottom in a blank area just for notes and during the week we would write in D for dishes on the day that dishes got done (you can use a colored pen for you and a different color for your hubby) V for vaccuum, L for laundry.. etc.



Then at the end of the week we left an area for our conversation that we would have to discuss how well we did this week on working together around the house. For instance, we both noticed we didn't do laundry at all one week. Whoops. So we focused on trying to fit that in more lol



Certain duties are his alone (garbage at our house, but I still have to ask him or remind him sometimes.)



Just be very patient as it takes a long time for people to change and as long as he IS working with you and making progress.......... that is more than some men do. Be grateful lol and don't nag. Just wait for the 'end of the week' convo and the 'end of the month re-evaluation' of the chart and discuss it then.



And even if all you can do is ask him to watch the kids for an hour 3 times a week to cook dinner all by yourself.... whatever you do, do not deal with him or the kids for that hour, turn on music in the kitchen and at least Breathe and feel the pressure come off your shoulders for a while. It's hard, but we have to find 'our' time no matter where we get it.



Like Louis C.K. says. Do you ever take a mini vacation? Like putting the kids in the van and then taking your sweet ass time to actually get inside it, because you're taking that minute to relax, breathe and vacate? :)

Erin - posted on 06/09/2011

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But another question, does your husband have a really physically demanding job? Even if he's tired and his mind is shot at the end of the day, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to change a freakin' diaper!

Cori - posted on 06/09/2011

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I been a part time worker/part time SAHM for a year and just started staying home full time. My husband has been great about helping. Then again, I'm 6 months pregnant and we have a 2 year old. So he doesn't have much choice. I find some things I'd rather do myself anyway though. Men just don't see the same way we do. He'll vacuum but there will always be a spot missed or he'll offer to do the shopping and even with a list will forget at least one or two things. Be gracious when your husband does help and don't criticize the little man errors. It'll make him resentful and way less likely to help out. Even if it something you do every day, give him a little encouragement for doing it anyway. You may want to say "big whoop" but it certainly won't make him want to help any more. At least with mine I know he is really trying and not just slacking off so I'll do it. He really does mean well.

Erin - posted on 06/09/2011

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I like the idea of it being my duty to take care of the house and children, that's why I'm home in the first place. It was my choice though, I was never forced to do it. Call me old fashioned lol. But that is not an excuse for my partner to do nothing. If he were by himself, he'd be working full time and taking care of his own place and belongings. I'm home, so i think it's my duty to keep the house in some kind of order (even though that's not always the case lol). But if I need help, he's there right beside me, or bathing and feeding the kids. He changes diapers, does laundry, washes dishes, sweeps and mops. When I see him working over a 40 hour week and then helping out at home, it makes me want to work harder too. I know our job isn't easy by far, but it's pretty straight forward. Be there for our children, our husbands,our home, and lastly and importantly - ourselves! It's hard to keep on top of things, every day something seems to fall behind. But that's why we have husbands, partners we've chosen to make our lives complete. They are there to help us when we ask or when we need it. Now, my house is not immaculate. It's a home that we live in, and if it were clean and tidy all the time, we wouldn't be living in it the right way. I try to keep my end of the bargain up. He doesn't pass his work off onto me at the end of the day, so I shouldn't either. I feel for you though, I couldn't imagine doing everything alone, and I applaude Single mothers, I have many for friends. It's hard to raise children in the first place, and then if you have a husband who's there, but is absent and would rather watch tv than play with your children while you make supper, he has a very distorted take on parenting. Tell him you need his help. He has coworkers doesn't he? When he needs help, does he get it when he asks? Is it too much to ask him to change a dirty diaper? Or to take out the trash(which I still think is the man's job lol)? And if he wants some alone time, fine, but that means you get yours too! And not after the kids are asleep, you take a whole day and go be alone! Away from him and the kids. You deserve it just as much as he thinks he does. Good luck!

Emma - posted on 06/09/2011

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I have the same problem, my husband is only home at weekends at the minute though so to be fair to him I do normally tell him to leave the housework and I do it during the week as it seems a waste of the little time we do have together. I think he's going to be in for a shock though when he is back home every night as there is no way I will be doing all the housework and taking care of all our finances and all the cooking etc and look after our son! I think being a SAHM is very often seen as an easy task but we all know that is not the case!! It takes all my time keeping my son occupied as it is without trying to do all the day to day running of the house on top! I try to get as much done as I can while he is having his nap. I've just been re-grouting the bathroom as he is asleep now!

Kimber - posted on 06/09/2011

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No i do not think that a SAHM should do it all!! After all you did not make your kids all by yourself,and there his kids too!! He should help you!!! My hubby helps me,but not with out me haveing to ask like a dozen,or so times ha! But he gives bath's to our littlest one,but then i get him out of the tube,and get him dressed for bed!! So we help each other out! If you do everything then after a while you are going to start to loose your damn mind,and then it want be good ha ha ha!!! So if he likes there to be peace,and unstressfull in yall's home then he had better help you out a little,but that is just my own oppion,but hope this helps you feel better about it!

Chancey - posted on 06/09/2011

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When it comes to inside the house, yes, I do 99% of the work. He will help on our big cleaning day but that's about it. He goes it work and takes care of the yard. I take care of the dog, house hold duties, the schooling and the 'dirty' part of the children(giving baths, brushing teeth, ect). However, he helps 'raise' the kiddos and doesnt expect our house to be perfectly clean all.the.time. He rather have a 'lived in' looking house (by no means a pig stye!) and happy kids and wife. It works well for us.

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