dont know what else to do! Touchy subject!

Danielle - posted on 03/01/2010 ( 17 moms have responded )

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Hi, this is kinda hard for me, but im not sure what else to do or who to talk to. so here goes! I have a 4.5 year old daughter she goes to the VPK program here in Fl. She is very smart for her age and its not just me who thinks so, however lately she has been having issues with her friends that are boys and thier body parts! The first time I noticed it was with her cousin who is a yr older. At first I brushed it off as kids will be kids and they are curious, no harm no foul. Now its happening a little more and im kinda at my whits end. Today she had a friend thats a boy come over, They are in the same class at VPK, and they play after school alot while his mom and I talk and hang out! We always let them play outside and when they come in they have to keep the door open. Well today they were outside the whole time, and when it was time for the little boy and his mom to leave I notice he doesnt have his shirt on or his shoes and socks, then when they were getting in the car to leave my daughter says he took all of his clothes off even his underwear bc he wanted to show her his pee pee! She says she only saw it for a second and turned around and covered her eyes and told him she doesnt like people doing that. The he put his underwear and pants back on. I confronted his mom about it and she asked him while I was standing there if thats what happened, and he said no that my daughter told him to take off his shirt but he never took any thing else off. So now it looks like my daughters a lier, but my thing is of course I want to believe my daughter and in my heart I guess I do, but if he didnt take his clothes off why was his shoes,socks and shirt off? you have to take your shoes off to get your pants off right? ahhh im so upset. I have tried every thing to get her to tell me another story like she was joking or that didnt really happen but shes not a good lier, she cracks easily. I asked his mom a while later and she said he still said he never did and she said she would know if he was lying. I dont want this to ruin our friendship and I know that they cannot be trusted alone any more, but why does this keep happening to my little girl. She is in a loving and caring home, with two parents that love and care about her! is this normal? please help I need some answers. Then when I asked her why she didnt come tell me she said bc she dindt want to tatel tale (she does it a lot) and we have been getting on to her alot about it! Im so over this. please help any advice would be great! thx

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Roshelle - posted on 03/02/2010

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My advice having grown up a victim, now a survivor of molestation by my own grandfather...follow your mother's intuition. It did happen, it will happen again if you turn a blind eye to it. Sorry that your friend wouldn't be more open minded to discuss the possibility that her son was just acting out of curiosity, which he probably was. Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing, right. Listen, if your little girl is showing tendencies in a sexual nature at her age that seems a little more than the normal "just being curious" you need to investigate further. Don't allow a hunch to change who she could have been in her future. Find out now to allow her to keep her innocence and become who she want's to be. Do you have family members, cousins, uncles, father's, grandfather's around her that seem to want to spend ALL their time playing with her "innocently" in front of you. Molester's tend to be the ones you would least expect, meaning, you have a barbecue out back, and there is good ole' uncle Joe Bob playing with all the little ones...ALL THE TIME. Everyone thinks it's so cute...but these are the most likely ones to look at more closely. I'm sorry this is so frank and blunt, but I hate to see another instance when I see the obvious signs from another mom who just needed someone, even if it is a stranger, to tell her to "trust yourself" "trust your instincts" ! They will never fail you I promise. I hope this helps you, sincerely

Kristin - posted on 03/01/2010

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It sounds like she has developed a totally normal and healthy curiousity about anatomy. All you can really do is talk to her at an age appropriate level about the differences between boys and girls, that there is a time and place for being naked and seeing other peoples bodies, and that it's okay to be curious. However, she also needs to know that no one gets to touch and that if someone does and then wants her to keep it a secret, she needs to tell mom, dad, or a teacher asap.

As for how the little boy came to have less clothing on, don't worry about it too much. It may just be a one time thing, I would get concerned if it occurs repeatedly. At this age it is highly unlikely that it is about sex or is an abuse situation. If you really are worried about this happening again, they play where you and his mom are from now on. You should also bring it up with her teachers at VPK. As for your worrying about why this would happen to such a smart and well loved little girl, that's exactly why. She feels safe enough to explore and investigate. Your job is to give her the info she needs as she needs it. Be honest and keep it age appropriate.

This is a phase, it will pass. Just think, it could be worse, she could want to know where babies come from. Good luck.

Nikki - posted on 03/01/2010

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Hi Danielle, what ur talking about with the kids being curious about each others body parts is completely normal! I have a 9yr old son, 7 yr old daughter and a 4.5 yr old son and all of them have been through it! When my children went through it i just sat them down and explained that boys 'bits' are different to girls 'bits' coz thats how we tell the difference between girls and boys. But i also told them that the only ppl who are allowed to see them are mummy, daddy and the nice doctor!! Kids are curious by nature and this will pass soon enough, try not to make a big deal about it or u might end up making her very nervous about her body, she may feel like she has done something wrong if ur constantly asking her about what happened so i personally would leave the whole incident there. Just explain to her that noe one but mummy, daddy or the nice doctor is allowed to see those parts of her body and that if anyone asks to see or wants to show there's she is to come and tell u straight away. Maybe next time her cousin decides to undress himself she will come straight to u and he will be caught in the act by his mum, therefore proving ur daughter was telling the truth all along! Hope i've helped in some way.

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Leisel - posted on 03/05/2010

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An idea...would our children be as "curious" if we were a bit more comfortable with our own nudity. Maybe if they occassionally saw mom or dad without their clothes (running down the passage to get something from the laundry) they might not have to ask to see other people naked.

I am not suggesting doing your cooking in the buff as that is just downright silly, but you get the picture. Could secretive habits be creating a need to find out thro. other people or an inappropriate need to explore?

Judy - posted on 03/04/2010

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I always told my kids when they were little that anything that made them uncomfortable was not tattle tailing. My kids are grown now and they all went thru the curiosity stage and are now normal adults in loving relationships. I agree with previous responders that you should not make too big a deal about this. As an adult you are thinking about it in terms of sexuality but kids are just curious. It will pass. If your daughter exhibits any behavior beyond curiosity such as touching then you might want to consult a doctor that specializes in child behavior.

Kelly - posted on 03/04/2010

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I agree with some of the ladies, that this might be a situation you need to look into more. If she truly said she "doesn't like it when people do that", that in itself sounds like she has experienced more than just the normal curiosity. Not to scare you, but sexually "acting out" at a young age is a sign of having been abused. For starters I would encourage more same sex friendships, and try to ease the boy out of the picture, and definitely not allow them to play alone again. I think I would talk to an expert, or at least research ways to figure out if she has been abused. I hope that isn't the case, but it does happen to kids that young (my niece was molested by "friends" of her babysitter when she was four).

Jenn - posted on 03/04/2010

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I had a friend whose daughter did the same thing to my son - only I caught them! They were playing in the hallway and my son was about to pull his pants down and she was on her knees telling him to take them off!!!!! After the fact I found out that she had done this to another little boy and had touched his penis. I understand that kids are curious and all, but when it's happing to your own kid it's hard to take. Let's just say I didn't react like I would have hoped I would - I yelled at them! Later I apologized for yelling though. I was really disappointed in the fact that my son was so willing to go along when I have always stressed to him that boobs and bums and pee-pees are private things that we don't touch other people's or let them touch ours. I was molested by my teenaged neighbour as a kid and the thought of that happening to one of my kids makes me SICK! Anyway, as for your daughter, by the sounds of things, she is likely the instigator since she seems to be involved in it a lot. Not trying to make you feel bad or anything, but that's what it sounds like to me. I would investigate further if it were me, just to be on the safe side and ensure that there isn't something more to this.

Tam - posted on 03/04/2010

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I agree with Roshelle and Sheree. I had an experience with a child who was always trying to get kids to undress and it was after a babysitter had molested her. girl/ girl, and she did not care if it was a girl or a boy after that. She would tell them to take off their clothes, and got caught by me once, and other family members when she would go visit them. The problem was her mom did not believe the abuse and kept taking her to see the babysitter.. her mom said why would she tell you and not me... Her ego got in the way! her own step kid told her it had happened to all 3 of them when she left them with the babysitter again. The mother took the sitter home and said no more sitting.. I was pissed to say the least that her mother let it happen to 2 more kids, and didnt prosecute. Your daughter needs to be watched closely for inappropriate behavior, and corrected appropriately. I would be suspicious of school, and anyone who spends time with her. None of my other kids acted out in this way, ever! Im really sorry you are going through this. It broke my heart and it was not my child. I cannot imagine how you feel.

Tina - posted on 03/04/2010

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basically just talk to your duaghter about how sacred her body is and how NO ONE should be showing theirs to her and her to them! I had to tell my kids alos this becuase if it does steam deeper then an innocent "curiousity" then you need to know about that! She needs to know that it is wrong and that you need to know immediatly!! No cloths shoudl be comin goff other than socks...indluding shirts!!! Also let other kids know that the rule in your house it to keep all cloths on (shirts included) unless they are goign swimming, or just taking off their socks. Make sure you tell this to them infront of their mom's so they know the rules as well!! Good luck!!

Renae - posted on 03/03/2010

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This is just a thought, and I might be completely wrong... but... sometimes when something continues to happen it is because the person it is happening to is actually the instigator. No mum wants her child to be the "bad guy", but is your daughter getting these boys to take off their clothes, maybe they get embarrased but she convinces them anyway and she thinks thats funny.

Like I said, just a thought... I could be wrong.

Sergine - posted on 03/03/2010

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I agree with Melissa about ending the friendship between the kids. Your daughter needs to feel that she can come to you about anything, and that you will be there to protect her. Right now don't even stress the lying issue, but focus on her safety.

Melissa - posted on 03/03/2010

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I had a friend go through a sim. story, We will call them '' THE Parkers" Their 2 daughters ages 4,& 5. The 5 year old was in school at the time '' " took place. On a play date the boy, We will call "tim" came from side yard with shoes and shirt off, the Parker girl did not come out right away. Mom of tim goes to see Parker girl trying to button top of jeans, Parker parents wisked their daughter off for counseling and therapy. Believing 'Tim' That nothing was going on, cause Parker girl had been seen acting out strangely. Later on this family moved away for a few years and we had forgoten this whole thing ever happened. We heard through the neighbor hood That Tim went around ''playing house'' with a lot of girls (on play dates) and as he grew up it turned into molesting girls, he was busted and labeled for these crimes at 12. The Parker's I mentioned that moved away had now moved back in the neighborhood,They came over for a visit and Tims name was brought up, thet wanted to know what ever happened to that FAMILY. Turns out, they put both children in counseling and the older sister revealed to the counseler, That Tim had both girls undressed many times before (for jst brief moments) while at the ''Parker" home. involvind touching, kissing and (yard toys were used). OMG!! ------------ The Parkers later told me that the counseler had these special dolls for communicating ''what may have happened",They have all the parts we do, because they feel scared to talk about what they know is wrong.(This is a way kids can show and not tell). They associate ''Wrong" with being their fault. especially little girls. they will constantly blame them selfs and assume the victim roll for the rest of their lives. falling prey to situations relating to the same trauma. She was jst acting out something that happened to her and when she was caught,a barrier between parent and child was created. Now she has been labeled in the minds of her parents. When she had done nothing wrong. The Parkers know now the made a terrible mistake to believe Tim over her. *** Please take some advise, Don't allow this family back into your'e home. It would send an un-spoken message that It is OK what happened In your'e ''HOME" a "safe" place! Show her that she is everything to you and you will protect her. Weather or not anything took place or not, would you tell her you like that family over her and her feelings? Of course not, better to be safe than sorry ''later"! As far as this friend is concerned, be honest, Say, we dont know what happened, It is our job to protect our family so we cant ''trust" that nothing happened. We are not comfortable with you in our home anymore......... This will not be easy, but you need to give your'e child a voice!! I wish you luck!!

Sheree - posted on 03/03/2010

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I completely agree with Roshelle, trust your instincts and do something about it, please dont think she is too young. My step sister was raped from the age of 4, by her very own brother. You really cant look past these things. I too am sorry for being blunt about it, but from seeing what she went through, you cant not do anything about it.

Shakirah - posted on 03/02/2010

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at a certain age kids get curious my daughter is only 3 and she started to touch herself and she would grab my breast and try to grab my husband so i had to teach her "special spots" her vagina her butt and her breast or as she calls them her nunu her bootie and her boobies. i told her those are her special spots and nobody is to touch her special spots except mommy and daddy to give her a bath and she is not to touch anybody elses special spots. as far as your friend everybody wants to believe their own child. she's probably having some of the same feeling you are. i would suggest that you just keep a closer eye when he is over playing but unless you are just that uncomfortable i wouldn't continue to bring it up to her if you don't want to end the friendship. oh and continue to stress to your daughter that she can tell you anything no matter if she thinks someone will get mad.

Danielle - posted on 03/02/2010

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Thank you ladies so so much! this has really given me a peice of mind! I was really tore up about it yesterday. and my husband was trying to put my mind at ease by saying that kids like ya'll said are just curious, and I guess I did already know that bc she has a baby brother and she knows what we call his privates (turtle) and she never seems to make a fuss about it or even say much of any thing about it any more but she used to. But I understand now that pointing fingers isnt going to solve any thing bc yes as parents we do tend to be over protective when it comes to our kids and (thier word) From now on they will play where we can watch them closely, I just didnt want this to like scar her u know? like carry on into adult hood, but I dont want to freak her out about her own body eiether ahhh why dont kids come with manuels lol. Again Thank you so much this was really helpful! I love this site. GOD BLESS

Heather - posted on 03/01/2010

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I agree with the other posters, very nerve racking, but really just kids thing. I think having a daughter may make her prone to curious little boys, but I think thats all it is. I really wouldn't worry unless one of them wants to touch or be touched. Which can also be a curious thing but wouldn't wanna brush off that type of behavior. Really shouldn't worry about who is lying. Even if it was the boy, which really sounds likely, the other mother probably isn't going to admit that her son did. Egos about our kids can really get in the way of things. So its really about being the "bigger" person. I would watch them a little closer. I had a similar experience where my son was being accused of making a couple of other kids undress when he wasn't even in the same room. So some parents get really freaked about this sorta thing. So long as its not a constant repeat after explaining differences and boundaries I really wouldn't give it much more thought.

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I think either way you can't tell who's lying. I think at this stage rather than focussing on who's lying, making sure each child is spoken to about this kind of behaviour is a better approach. Make sure your daughter knows to keep her body parts private and if someone shows her theirs that she immediately needs to yell at them to stop and go tell a parent or teacher (whereever she may be at the time). This boys mother also needs to talk to him and make sure he understands the same thing. It's not about pointing fingers, it's about making sure our children understand boundaries and are safe. So although it is normal to be curious at this age such behaviours if ignored can lead to children being abused by other children.

My daughter came home from kindy one day and said a boy at kindy had pulled down her pants and licked her bottom. We couldn't prove by any means if this was true, but we let the teachers know she had said this so that they were aware of it. We had a good talk with her about it and we will never know if it happened or not but all we can do is inform her so that should something happen hopefully she will know what to do and be safe.

Goodluck and I totally understand how horrible this is.

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