drained, alone, sexually frustrated and terrified is how i feel

Evone - posted on 11/16/2011 ( 13 moms have responded )

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My husband is pulling away from me..emotionally and sexually because i don't work. He says he'd be more attracted to me if i had a job...i have been looking for a job non-stop for two yrs now. i have a son who is special and another son who has emotional issues that happened when i was in the military and he lived with his father. I don't think my husband really knows the stress i am under everday, how hard it is to keep running up to the school cause one child is having an emotionally bad day or the other is special needs n needs me to calm him down and that when he is home i feel less stress. but he doesn't take interest in the boys anymore, let alone ME either. i feel alone and sexually frustarted all the time. I even caught him masterbating in the bed next to me..it was a huge slap in the face...especially when we don't have sex anymore..due to the fact i don't work....now he keeps his cell phone in the car at night, i am ripping apart with suspect thoughts and i feel worthless....i don't know what to do anymore...i pray and i know God will help, but i am at the point of just leaving and relocating somewhere new..where no one knows me...someone please pray for me..or give advice. Tried counseling..he won't go..says its all in my head and we're fine..that i am causing he problems..even though i am at home all the time..dealing with soo much. i feel like giving up sometimes but my ability to hide how i feel to others won't let me say HELP..when i really do need thereapy..but can't afford it..don't know what to do anymore..don't know which way is up or down. I have even been entertaining infidelity..i'm scared for myself and i am always the person who gives great advice and save nothing for me..i give and give..n people take and take from me. i am feeling useless and worthless...my husband made a fuss about i don't do that much for him as far as buying him gifts or anything but he never gets me anything..unless there is an audience. how can he stand there and say we are fine? i don't get i.. i love my husband to death..n i know he took on alot since we have no kids together, but enough is enough...i'm breaking....

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Anne - posted on 11/17/2011

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you say "but i am at the point of just leaving and relocating somewhere new..where no one knows me". I think this means he isn't right for YOU. I wouldn't worry about what he does. What do YOU want? By the way, you are enough to take care of your kids by yourself, you are ENOUGH. You don't need this man, besides, it sounds like he isn't doing much but providing a paycheck anyhow. So what loss is there? You are already alone. I can relate :)

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Emily - posted on 11/18/2011

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I can't see how you not working would make him not want to be physical with you, if he loves you then it wouldn't make a difference my suggestion to you is to leave. If you are unhappy and under that much stress; it's not healthy and your children whether you notice or not see everything. They love you unconditionally and when you hurt, so do they. Its like when your frustrated at your child crying and you hold him he senses it and will be more upset because of it. I know its hard to find a job i know theirs medical billing and you can take the classes online they dont take that long theyre pretty cheap; my sister in law does it and she loves it she has a 6 month old and she handles the baby and work while her husband is at work. That might help to save you money and get you on your feet so you can feel more independent. I know its scary to not have a job and have children but maybe you will feel better when you dont have to rely on anyone but yourself. I haven't been through everything you have but i read what you said and it really touched me to see that you've held your head up through all you've been going through. I really hope my advice helped...

Michelle - posted on 11/18/2011

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Like everyone says it has nothing to do with you not working. It's an excuse to continue with his behavior. Don't let him continue with this. My guess is that he's cheating. Tell him to get marriage counseling or get out.

Kelina - posted on 11/18/2011

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Would you find your husband unattractive if he didn't work? I doubt it. Our husbands aren't supposed to find us attractive because we work or things like that, they fell in love with who we are and we fell in love with who they are on the inside. Isn;t that what we teach our children? that you love people for who theya re on the inside? It makes me so sad to see moms who are going through this when soemtimes the greatest lessons we can learn are the ones we teach our children. If he's not willing to see that there is an issue with anything, then he doesn't love you. I know it's not always as simple as that, but in this case I believe it is. my husband would never masturbate in our bed unless I asked him to. In fact, the only times he's ever done it since we got together is the firs few months after I've given birth and have zero sex drive. If he can't see that that's a problem, then he's not being true to his marriage. Belittling you because you don't get paid fro the work you do? would you ever allow your boys to do that? to call someone names or ignore them just because they don't get paid? You do work. If he thinks you don't have a job I would like to see him do the work you do and not complain. :) My husband had to do my job for the most part yesterday. By the time bedtime rolled around he was cranky and irritable and glad to see them sleeping, lol. Conditional love is not love. We do things for eachother because we want to make the other person happy not because there is an audience. And the stress that you are under will show through to your boys even if you don't think it will, it does and it will effect them. It will cause them to have more bad days than good. If he won't go see a counsellor say fine, I want to separate, because no man is better than a man who causes you daily pain.

Sagine - posted on 11/17/2011

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what your man is going through have nothing to do with you. he knows what he is doing, and he is trying to get inside your head. he is breaking you from within. if you ask me he doesn't love you the unconditionally. you have to start working on plan B just incase you decide to ;eave him. the first thing i want you to do is talk to your son with the emotional problem and figure out together what is going on with him. it will take time but help him to open up to you so he can tell you what he is holding inside. next start working on yourself, what matters to you, who you really are within. if the time you spend with your husband brings more pain then happiness, you need to start to figure out are you happy a man giving you half of what you need and deserve. when it comes to the cell phone, vikki is right he might be cheating on you. i don't think you need to decide to leave him from others advice, but i do think you need to start making yourself strong just incase you decide on your own your ready to leave him. what he is doing to you has nothing to do with you remember that. you need to stop caring about what your husband thinks of you and start listening to the only voice that matter, your own. ask your self this question, if god thats you from this earth this second and he ask you at this moment, how did you spend your last 48 hours, if you were as happy as you could have been, and if you have any regret? what would you answer him. what i'm trying to say is admit to your self what is going on in your life right now, take responsibility for letting it go this far, and take your power back. Your boys need you to, i'm sure they can see what their mom is going through.

Tamara - posted on 11/17/2011

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I think he needs help, He is abusing you, and I am sorry you don't deserve it and your children don't need it in your home. I am sorry you are going through this.

Vikki - posted on 11/17/2011

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oh and one day put him to the test say that you cell phone battery has died and you can not find charger can you use his. If he says his is low too say "dont worry I wont be long and ill put it on charge"

Vikki - posted on 11/17/2011

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Look this may not be what you want to here but pack your bags take your boys and leave... He is cheating on you, You think how do i know well i have been there three times. Twice with the man that I have 2 children with. He would take his phone every where he put a locked code on his phone, he didnt take an intrest in me or our children and I too found him masterbating in our bed. I found him cheating on me. Your husband is using you not working as an exscuse to destract you and he knows you are so busy with the kids. He does not deserve you at all and i know you will find it hard but you need to continue to be brave and leave him. You are not alone including you there are loads of woman out there that have been through things like this (including me if you want to talk) but I am telling you its not in your head and for you and the childrens sake leave!!!!. If he is any decent man he will talk to you and change if you and the children mean anything to him him if not he is not worth it and dont hang around. He shuld be on his knees praying for you not to leave. You need to do this for you!! trust me like i said be there 3 times and now in happy relationship and im will talk if you want. Take care and good luck hope all works out for you.

Stifler's - posted on 11/16/2011

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The problem doesn't sound like that it's only ebcause you don't work. That sounds like an excuse. He might be stressed about providing for the family and your kids problems and blames it on you not working. Anyway, treating you like this isn't good enough. He needs to go to counseling with you if you're wanting to leave and he is doing weird shit and then saying it's fine or else you will eventually end up leaving.

Kellie - posted on 11/16/2011

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You know it really fucks me off (sorry for swearing but this really really annoys me!) that people take their shit out on other people and blame them for their issues. This is your HUSBANDS issue and NOT yours.

HE is the problem and NOT you.

What he is doing is emotional abuse.

Stop giving to the point people walk all over you. Take back your personal power.

You can stay and continue to allow him to make you feel worthless, or you can take back your personal power and leave, and gain your confidence back.

Your life is up to you. How people treat you is up to you.

Sal - posted on 11/16/2011

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I don't prey as a rule but I do have a wish for you that you get your confidence back stand up for your self and demand better treatment for yOur self if he won't step up leave a happy mum is the most important thing for your boys

Annah - posted on 11/16/2011

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Lord Jesus I come to you tonight I help Evone Banks. Give her pease, to let her know you are near. I lift her family up to you Lord, protect them, give them peace, and let them know you are near to them. I pray that you give her the wisdom to know what to do in this situation. Open her husbands eyes so he can see her as you see her. She is beautiful in your eyes. Please give her the strength to fight this head on and let her know that what ever comes her way she can handle it. In Your name I pray amen.
I know it's not advice, but I don't know how to help you, but I do know how to pray. I hope this give you peace.

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