engaged girlfriends

Sarah-Anne - posted on 03/05/2010 ( 3 moms have responded )

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i have a few friends that are now engaged and will all marry this year. one has a 4 year old girl, and the other two have no children. my pregnancy was defiantly not planned, nor the wedding/marriage that followed a month after we found out. for all of my pregnancy and the first 3-6 months with my daughter, i had to listen to them bitch about how they all wanted to get married and start families and why won't their boyfriends just propose. The one friend who has a daughter didn't understand how i hated being pregnant (i was sick the entire time including thru the induced labor) and that she loved it and wanted to be pregnant too. For the past 6 months now that they are all engaged and planning weddings, all i hear is how they just want to be stay at home mom's and not work and how lucky i am to be living their dreams. i just want to scream. i didn't choose to be a stay at home mom or even to get married when we did. i never even wanted to have a family, it just happened. none of them seem to understand this and now they all keep bugging me about when my husband and i are going to have more. we're good with the one little monster we have. do i keep being nice and avoiding the question like i've been doing just to keep the friendships as they are? Or should i really say what i mean, that this isn't the life i would have chosen given the option and that we didn't plan the first kid, what makes them think we want anymore? i also have a few in-laws and step-in-laws that keep pestering me about more kids.

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Sarah-Anne - posted on 03/07/2010

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my daughter is turning 1 on the 20th, so i have about 3 1/2 more years until school. i do stay at home now because my husband and i can't afford daycare (especially for an infant). i plan on getting some kind of part time job on the weekend, but finding one in Michigan right now has been challenging. i went to school for culinary arts and pastry arts, and there aren't many jobs for that. my one friend with the daughter keeps trying to get me to start a cake business with her, but having gone thru culinary school, i know what that entails and neither of us have the money to spend to start a business. i also hate making cakes, and she just doesn't seem to understand that.

Kristin - posted on 03/07/2010

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I'm so sorry that your friends are making life frustrating. The decision to have more children is between you and your husband only; not his parents, your parents, siblings, cousins, or grandparents. You don't need to tell anyone anything beyond "one child is enough for you." However, to prevent additional questioning to come up, be polite, firm, and tell them that it's not something you are going to discuss.

As for being a SAHM, you don't have to be one. Go to school, get a job part or full time, volunteer. If it's the added cost of child care that is prohibitive, maybe do this while your husband can be home with your daughter? You don't say how old she is, but if she's close to PreK or school age, you will soon have a lot of free time to yourself again. Are you getting any time just for yourself? It sounds like you need it.

Your friends are probably not going to leave you alone about being a SAHM. It's okay to tell them that you don't actually want to be a SAHM. If you do, be prepared to have a whole bunch of questions come at you. There is no shame to not wanting to stay home, just as there is no shame in wanting to stay home. You will proably need to explain why you are home when you would rather not be though. All moms need to support one another regardless of whether they work outside of the home or stay home to take care of their children. Every mom takes care of their child by doing what is best for mom.

Good luck and patience to you.

[deleted account]

If your firends are really friends then they will understand when you say you just don't want anymore. Try telling them that you don't think you could handle another one and some families are ment for one. As far as the family... they are always going to ask and to keep the peace just tell them who knows if your ment to have more then it will happen...maybe that will stop them.

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