feel like i want to kill him

Andrea - posted on 01/13/2010 ( 11 moms have responded )

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right now money is tight, and no matter how much ( or less there of) i tell my husband we have he manages to spend it leaving us with just a few $ to our name until the next pay day. i try not to think of it as "his money" or "my money" but even when i was bartending he managed to spend all my tip money. im getting to my witts end! like right now we have 3 in the account i managed and 10 that i got for babysitting money from last night, and he is on a pool league and of course want to take my money to go out and play pool! ( okay yeah i get that we need to get away and have adult time sometimes, but he gets to do this every week. its really not going to hurt him to get a sub for one night!)

it just really irritates me, when he doesnt understand that we dont have the money! and if we have any extra money! and doesnt realize how all the little stuff adds up quick!

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Crystal - posted on 01/14/2010

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sounds like you need separate accounts! i am staying home with our children and to avoid this issue my husband and i have separate accounts that we can do as we please with (he transfers a set amount into mine each month that he can't touch) as well as a joint account that is used for our larger monthly bills. we treat our finances as a business to avoid conflicts with our relationship.

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Ginger - posted on 01/14/2010

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for all of you that your partners say that you don't work, sounds like they need a day or two in your shoes. as far as your husband still spending, does he realize, really realize, that you don't have the money. i know a couple that didn't have any money and she would tell him that they didn't have money but he still spent. Finally she sat him down to pay bills one month. Now he only spends what she tells him is ok. Other than gas money he checks with her before spending anything. If you could go to a friends or family members house for a weekend and leave him home to babysit he would probably change his tune about you not working. Also for his jeans if they are just for work and he's so hard on them you need to check out yard sales or thrift stores or flea markets somewhere that you can find jeans for a couple of dollars if he is just going to ruin them anyway. If he has seen your accounts after bills are paid and KNOWS that there really isn't any money and still insists on going out and eating out everyday at lunch then he is either in some serious denial about how broke he is and is trying to "keep up appearances" in front of his friends and coworkers or he is very self centered and until he wakes up to your and your kids' needs he's probably not going to change.

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Get yourself a different account at the same bank and put the money you need into one account and then put the rest of it into the account you use now and he can budget his own resources. Would that work out better?

I actually got divorced over this years ago.....his personal agenda did not fit with buying toilet paper, I was forced to beg him for money and I actually worked!! I suggest that it is a PRIORITY that you get yourself an account just for you and that you think in the future always....if you have to do it secretly then do it!! You are heading in a direction that will not lead you to a good place and I think you need to adjust yourself very quickly.

As for not packing a lunch....that isn't right. Offer a compromise of him buying lunch once or twice a week and then brown bagging it for the rest of the week maybe? Good luck...

Jennifer - posted on 01/14/2010

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You just have to budget everything! That includes a weekly allowence for yourself and for him. My husband is a truck driver, so he is always on the road and going into gastations to but pop, candy, snacks, etc. I just started telling him that he needs to take out a $100 every two weeks and that is all he gets. He still has money to spend on anything he wants, but it doesn't cause us to go broke anymore. If he wants to go to a store and buy a hat or anything else he doesn't need, then he has to take it out of that $100. If he would rather keep up his little gastation habit, then that comes out of that $100 too. If there is something that he needs (ie his underwear is all ripped up) then we have a monthly budget for that also, but that is for me and kids too, not just him. Also, I found something that works really great for saving. I have a monthly budget of $400 for groceries/diapers/cleaning supplies/etc. I ususally go twice a month, and always take out cash. That way I don't overspend on my budget and also whatever is left over, I hide from him. It may sound mean, but if he doesn't know it is there, then he can't spend it. Buy a small lock box or safe to put the money in and hide it. Then, only use it when you need to.

Andrea - posted on 01/14/2010

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well thanks for all the advice ladies! we dont have tv, we dont buy movies anymore, i have done everything to cut expenses as i can the only reason that we still have internet is i was going to school and selling avon. but now im not doing either so im going to get rid of the internet also. i cant get him to take lunch to work anymore! when i he was working construction he took lunch to work every day, but now he installes hot tubs, dishes, stoves, tv..... stuff like that and he wont take lunch to wok with him cause he says he doesnt want to have to hall it all over town with him. i just dont know. i was so pissed off at him last night for still going to pool that i couldnt even talk to him.

you know it really gets old!!!! i havent even got to buy new cloths for myself in god knows how long cause i alway put the kids and him first! but we have to buy him new pants it seems every other month cause he is so hard on them. grrrrrrr idk im just getting so over it! and right now im so mad that i cant and dont want to talk to him cause it probly will all just come out and once and not make any sense!

Shannon - posted on 01/13/2010

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My husband does the same thing. Usually hell give me money from his pay checks and lately hes been giving me 20 to 40 bucks! Im like ya I do stuff too like clean, cook, take care of our kids 24/7. I mean would you work for that a week? I think not!

My husband hardly ever takes me out. I kind of understand since times are tuff but it upsets me whenever he gets stuff for himself and all I can get is diapers and do the laundry! It really sucks. I guess you should have to talk about with him. I know how your feeling though.

Abigail - posted on 01/13/2010

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I feel the same way...but I really wanted to stay home with my son, I figured it would cost me my whole weeks paycheck to cover daycare expenses if I went back to work. I would rather raise him myself than pay someone else to do it. I also take care of the bills, my problem is that my husband feels he can spend on whatever he wants because he is the one who makes the money. I dont bother him too much when he buys something, but when it is extravagant or more often, I feel like he doesnt care. I save, save, save...use coupons buy on sale. I have even been able to pay off 3 credit cards he racked up. I feel like I cant say anything when he goes shopping, but at the same time he is making the situation worse, when Im trying my best to make it better...even if Im not working.

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I think finances are a stress on most relationships these days. Melanie was right - Bills, food and then fun. Call your phone company, tv company, etc. and ask if there is a cheaper plan for you. A lot of times new plans come out that are better money wise, but they don't bother to call and tell you that because they can make more money off of you that way. Call them and see what can be done.

Watch your food budget as well. Pay attention to how much money you are spending and on what. Are you buying convenient but expensive foods? Also, try the no name brands as well. A lot of time the food is exactly the same or at least very similar. Is he buying lunch for work every day? That can really add up. Make his lunch for him. He will appreciate you doing it and it will save you money as well.

If you make an effort to save money then he will too.......eventually (ok, probably not, but at least you are trying and can prove that to him)

Try setting a budget that is just for extracurriculars. Make it reasonable. I have no idea what it costs to play pool, but I'm sure he is spending more than just that when he goes out. Maybe you can suggest that he only has a pop instead of a beer when he goes and that way he could stretch out the budget longer and go more often.

I'm assuming that he works and you are staying at home. Can you make a little income as well? Perhaps watching one or two kids a day for some extra money?

Financial stress is awful. I really hope that things get better for you guys.

Shannon - posted on 01/13/2010

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I know how you feel. My husbands spends money when its not a very good time to. Of course he buys things that arent necessary at this moment....just things for his hobbies..I tell him how i feel about waiting until we have enough money and the bills paid and he tells me that i dont make the money around here(since i quit my job to raise our son) he can spend it how he wants. ...I understand how you feel. Maybe one of these days men wont be so stubborn and ignorant.

Melanie - posted on 01/13/2010

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Maybe the only way to work it would be to make lunches at home, no more take out, try a bit of tv if there are a lot of dvd rentals, work with cloth nappies for a while (if bub is only small) and get hold of that plastic card.. you need to make a reasonable budget, and stick to it.. give him pocket money out of that budget! (sounds harsh but it works with me)
It might sound hard right now but if you get on top of it and save some cash.. it'll be your night out together once a month!

Bills first, then food, then fun! Never put fun first!

I hope it gets better, and that this helps.

Michelle - posted on 01/13/2010

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I feel ya. My husband tends to do exactly the same thing. He used to play basketball Mon and Wed, poker after ball on Mon, and bowling on Fri. I was good about it for a long time, but when money got tight, I reigned him in. Now he plays ball on Mon only, no Wed activity, and no poker with the guys at all. As for bowling, I made a deal with him that he could keep bowling as long as he quit buying lunch everyday at work. So with all that, we have actually saved $75-100 a month!! Just on his own personal entertainment....Jeez!

Good luck

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