Feeling Inadequate as a Stay at Home Mom

Sara - posted on 10/25/2013 ( 2 moms have responded )

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Hello out there to all my stay at home mom's.

I have a 21 month old daughter and I have been a stay at home mom since she was born in January of 2012. Although I wasn't working, I was a full time graduate throughout my entire pregnancy and for a year after she was born. This gave me a a sense of fulfillment and purpose, but since graduating I haven't felt the same. I'm very grateful that I'm able to stay home with my daughter, raise her, and spend everyday with her . . . but it's starting to make me second guess myself.

My husband works full time but we're lucky enough to have him home in the evenings and on his days off. However, the majority of the time I'm by myself with our daughter and I have never felt so lonely in my life. I was used to being very social, interacting with my peers and friends on a daily basis. Now I sit home all day by myself with little to no interaction with other people. It is so isolating that sometimes I feel like a prisoner in my own home.

I want to go back to work so that I can feel like I have a sense of purpose - making use of my degree's and contributing financially to our household - but with a toddler at home, and a baby due in May, we cannot financially afford to place both children into a daycare. I know my husband sacrifices a lot for our family and he does an amazing job to provide for us, but I feel like I'm sacrificing my sanity and it's starting to take a toll on me. I started a job two weeks ago but discovered the hard way that their scheduling clashed with my availability so just when I was starting to feel good about myself again, I had to quit. Before I had my daughter I was always a hard working, sometimes working three jobs at a time!

My life consists of my husband, my daughter, and our home. I'm envious that my husband has a whole other life going on at work. His co-workers get together more often than not and although I'm always invited, I'm starting to feel like a tag alone, the "clingy" wife. Last night my husband made a comment that sometimes husbands and wives need breaks from each other, in regards to going out and enjoying themselves. When I do go out with my husband and I hear his co-workers discussing work, their inside jokes, or making future plans, I so badly wish that I had something like that going on in my life as well. I want something more than just my life at home and with our daughter. Sometimes I feel like my husband is getting bored of me, because nothing new takes place in my life.

Any advice or comments from those who can relate would really, really be appreciated. I don't want to fall into this black hole, but it's hard to stay positive especially because I'm pregnant, my hormones are crazy, and I'm starting to feel insecure with my recent weight gains.

Thank You All =

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Shelle - posted on 10/25/2013

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okay, this was brave to post! I can relate to most of that too all except pregnant again part. Congrats! Well, what I can tell you is that I am trying everything I can do to be in the moment with my daughter who just turned 2.
Some days are easier than others, arrange as many play dates as you can for conversation.
Immerse yourself in cool kid activities and cooking has become a new hobby for me. Your daughter is going to be such a great helper!
I tell my husband too that he needs to schedule more time off or we need to plan really fun trips out of town to get me out of the house! When we simply go away for a weekend I feel pretty good for a few weeks after.
Winter is harder you will feel cooped up, but I think we just have to remember that it won't always be that way, and when we look back we will miss it. Get as much cuddle time in as you can with your baby girl and keep in mind this is the last times it will be just you and her!
Don't worry about your weight, it's part of it, I think when we project happiness then others around us feel happy, even our hubbies. Everyone feeds off our energy. Remember you can fake it too. Act like you don't care what anyone thinks and pretend to be more confident. Isn't that what we brave mommies do anyway! Remember that everyone is insecure, you just can't care now that your a mom you are the coolest person on the planet to your husband and kids! Big hugs.

Julie - posted on 11/22/2013

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I am very much in the same boat. I have a preschooler and toddler at home. Between the older one's school in the morning and younger one's afternoon nap, we can never seem to get out of the house. Plus we live in an urban area in a small condo and an expensive mortgage; with just my husband's income we have very little money to spend on entertainment or eating out, which makes play dates seem out of the question. Plus I'm struggling with huge inadequacy problems (I've just begun therapy), so I'm reluctant to even engage with other moms. My house is a mess; I can't seem to motivate myself to clean or tidy as much as I'd like, and I am not taking care of myself either.

The stress about money is overwhelming me. I finished school recently so we are now saddled with debts. I should be focusing on finding a job, but it's really hard to do that when all of my time is spent managing the kids, the dog, and the house. Or, truthfully, feeling bad about my situation and squandering time thinking about it. I think 5 years of being at home has really gotten me down...get out while you can!

Don't get me wrong: there are things I love about being at home. My kids are awesome and I love interacting with them and turning every little thing into a "teachable moment." But when one is fighting me about putting pants on while the other one playfully jumps on top of me and the dog is crying to be walked, I just want to walk out the door. And there are times I accept the mess in the house because I know I have spent the afternoon actively playing with them. The best way to get housework done? Plop them in front of the TV for hours on end, but I'm not OK with that. It's all about finding the balance that works for you.

I am far from having this all figured out, but hopefully it helps to know that you are not alone!

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