Fiance pushing me to work full time...

Ashley - posted on 04/29/2013 ( 3 moms have responded )

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Ok let me start by sayiIg i am brand new to this site and am looking for help working through this with people who feel similar to me.



My fiance ( we have been together for 10 yrs and engaged for 6) is a chef and is making a huge move to a highly succesful company which is of course very stressful for us. He has mentioned mutliple times that i should apply here or hey i heard here is hiring, i am so frustrated. As an executive chef at his current job he has been working anywhere from 50-70 hrs a week. there have been weeks that he worked 10am-10pm 7 days a week, a normal week for us is essentially 5, 12 hour days and 1, 6 hr day. I do have a part time under the table job working in an office so its not as if im not pulling my weight. The job fits our life so perfectly because i am able to take off when my son is sick or has a Dr. app or leave early when needed without fear of being fired. I am also able to change my hours as our life changes which is obviously going to benefit us in the next month when we make this transition to his new job.



He does not seem to understand my feelings in this situation. Not only is it very upsetting to have him basically say I am not doing enough, i feel like it is my job to be home with our son since his father is not. I consider myself a stay at home mom simply because i am. If i get a full time job i will need to have my work schedule revolve around his not around myself or what the job needs. that pretty much makes most jobs impossible. I am essentially looking at some kind of a retail job that will require a few nights and weekends and i just dont think its fair to my son. Retail also means holidays, isnt it bad enough his father isnt there but now I wont be either? so what... my son spends the holidays with whichever grandparents are available... thats going to take the magic out of it.



I am so upset about this i just want to cry and i know it will cause a huge fight because my hubby thinks the $ is whats important where as i think those 'moments' are more important. He really has no idea and i just dont know how to explain it to him without him getting angry at me. ARGH! i feel its a lose lose no matter what i do so whats more important, being financially comfortable, or being home with my son playing mommy and daddy?

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First of all, you are not alone in this. I myself am very fortunate that my spouse and I decided right away that I would be home full time with our kids and any part time or casual work that, when & if I chose to do,would be gravy. I have been a full time stay home mom for 16 years and would never have done it any other way. ~ The reason for our decision: Who do you want raising your kids? Baby sitters &,or daycare ? They are not family, they do not all have the same ethics, goals and interest in your children that you & your partner do. You will pay big time for child care. It is essentially leaving your kids to let someone else spend time with them, then handing over your pay cheque to them for the privledge, instead of you being there for & with your kids. Sit down and do the math. Find out how much child care is going to cost , lunches, fuel for drop off and pick up, and how much you will earn. * you pay for full months of daycare whether your child attends or not, they do not reimburse for sick days or holidays. Parents are frowned at by employers when you miss time to be with your sick kids or their appointments. Realistically, financially and for the emotional and developmental benefit of your family, your partner needs to hear your voice. He is seeing $ signs, show him the real numbers and where that "extra" money is really going to end up going, he will be surprised to see, it won't be in yours or his pocket.~ Hope that helps! Tracey D.

Kristen - posted on 04/30/2013

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There are two kind of men in the world. Ones that absolutely want stay at home wives and ones that don't. You just need to calmy sit down and have this discussion with him. Let him know exactly how you feel and let him know that although you understand where he is coming from, that this just isn't the right time to take on a full time job.

If you absolutely needed to get a job, maybe you could look into working at his school or within the ISD. That way you could have the same "hours" as your son and still have a full time job. You might also consider becoming an independent consultant or something for Advocare, Avon or Scentsy. I don't know anything about these companies but it may help you make a little extra cash on the side while still being able to stay home with your son? Just a thought.

Luludi - posted on 04/30/2013

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Hi Ashley,
You didn't mention how old your son is... However he will grow up always too quickly. And there will be no possibility of giving him later what you haven't given now (memories, teachings, laughter...) You are perfectly right, fight for it, and explain to him that it's thanks to your choice to be there for your and his son that he can feel free to make a career and to be such an absent father! I also feel that my husband should be more present in our children's routine, but at least he acknowledges the importance of my presence at home and he has insisted on me staying at home until now (almost 3 years, we have a 2 1/2 year old girl and a 15 month old boy) and on asking for part time now I'm going back to work.
From what you write it seems you can afford to go on like you're doing. And as I said, it is really a matter of few years before your son won't be so demanding on your time and company (sigh!) any longer... If it isn't really necessary, don't sacrifice your son's childhood for some more financial comfort. Now he will gladly give up trendy shoes for some time with you, when he is a teenager....who knows ;-)
Maybe you are afraid of having to fight with your hubby, and I understand you, but if you accept his imposition you might hate him one day for what he has deprived you and your son of. Be brave

Love
Luludi

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