Frustrated and getting angry ...

Amy - posted on 04/23/2010 ( 8 moms have responded )

75

29

3

I've been doing a lot of soul-searching lately and trying to come up with ways of organizing my time better so that I can get the things done that I need to do and still have some time for things I want to do. For the past few years, I've been doing virtually everything around the house and never getting any help unless I nag like crazy or blow my top. The past year, I haven't minded so much since I've been out of work and my partner is working full time and doing a gig as the 'night patrol' for our apartment complex, so I don't expect him to do much around the house. But, it's dawned on me that I really feel like I'm a single parent. There's really no other way to put it - the only thing the kids father ever wants to do with the kids is play with them. He will get them dry and into pajamas after I bathe them, but only because I'm busy (bathing the other child or rinsing out the tub) when they're done with their baths. He won't even make himself food because "if I get a snack then the kids want some too", so he goes hungry for hours and then starts complaining that he's hungry, then eats very little at dinner & waits till the kids are in bed to eat a bunch of junk food. I find that I'm running out of patience with the whole situation, especially since one of the kids isn't even mine and I'm expected to do EVERYTHING for him, except for the 'fun' stuff, of course. I know my boyfriend has noticed that I'm losing patience, because he's asked a few times recently what he can do to help, but when I do ask for help, I get attitude from him and then complete shut-down.

Does anyone have ideas of how I can make him see that the way he's treating me is alienating me and causing me to have one foot out the door? I don't want my little girl to grow up without a dad, but I don't want her growing up with the idea that she means less than her half brother, or that women are only good for raising children and keeping a house clean.

This conversation has been closed to further comments

8 Comments

View replies by

Teri - posted on 09/05/2012

29

0

10

I feel the same way at times. It all started when we had a child together and then two years later we got custody of my 2 year old nephew I had been married before and had a child that I brough to this relationship. I had to leave my job because the cost of daycare was as much as I made. Well it has been four years now since I stopped working and my guy does nothing around the house plus I do all the yard work and take out the garbage the only thing he does is go to work. He does not help with the kids or the homework or any bill paying he will not even do the banking, cooking forget it. But the one thing he does is always complain about how we never have enough money and he cant buy a boat or what ever rec he wants. He plays on a dart team every tuesday night and has many times complained that he is broke and that I should just go back to work. The big problem is sure I could go back to work but I live 2700 miles from my family and his family will not help with the kids at all so all the sick kids, doctors appt, school functions and anything that may require leaving work has always fallen on my lap. Before I stopped working I had been written up many times for issues with the kids that have taken me from work. All the while he would at that time complain that I dont spend enough time with him. There are many times I dream of leaving and feel like I am with an over grown teenager, but what keeps me here is the kids and them having a dad that they can snuggle up with and watch tv or once in awhile go fishing with him, but I do fear that I am teaching my children that it is OK for a man to treat his partner like a second class person. The newest problem now is one night he wanted to go to his familys house and have some drinks with them and foolishly I agreed as the night went on he started a fight with me and was calling me all sorts of names and in a heat I slapped him he then hit me so hard that he broke out my two front teeth in front of his parents who just sat back and watched saying nothing. Of course I am still with him because I have no job no income and no money to fix my teeth and who would hire someone who looks like a back woods hillbilly. He did say he was sorry for hitting me that hard but that I slapped him and should not expect him to just do nothing. I feel that being a stay at home mom is great for my kids because I am always there for them but is the worst thing I ever did to myself, It left me powerless and weak and without options. I know most men are not like this and that I spent the last 9 years with a man who never deserved to be with a person like me. I am sorry for just rambling on I guess I just needed to vent and can not tell anyone face to face how bad I feel. Thanks all for reading

Catherine - posted on 04/28/2010

103

37

12

Ashley Woolman: hey girl! I know how you feel! me and my husband are having to live with my m-i-l and b-i-l for right now and i am cleaning up after 5 adults (including myself) and my 2 sons! I also cook for them too! Nobody helps and it is so frustrating. my b-i-l is 34 and he is so lazy about cleaning up after himself. he will bring dishes in after a week or so of being in his room and they have nasty crap and mold all over them. i told him one time that that was DISGUSTING. all he said was sorry. can he not atleast dump his food and rince his dishes? and same as my m-i-l. my husband is not in the military any more and he does what he wants. i have to ask him to help in order to get him to help and most of the time he's out or laying in bed. email me maybe we can help each other out!!

Ashley - posted on 04/28/2010

8

3

0

wow i'm not alone thank god!!! my husband works 4 days a week ten hour shift plus overtime and i work 24/7. my husband goes as far the other day to complain about how he needed to go buy new socks because he didnt know where his were.... idk maybe try doin a load of laundry your damn self! i have a 1 year old son and my hubby has a three year old daughter wich we have full time both of them an a 6 yr old son who we get weekends, an to top that a 20 year old room mate who's girlfriend is always here as well. i clean up after 5 to 7 people on a daily basis i dont have a car and i have no friends i'm ready to pull my hair out!!!! i guess i dont really have any advice for you i cant even help myself ha ha but you are defenatly not alone!

Shannon - posted on 04/27/2010

57

7

7

We all need to get together! I, too have been in these situations. When my husband would travel extensively I found myself only looking forward to him coming home so I would have a break from our kids. I was doing all the house chores as well as working full time- al though I didn't pay the bills because I hated dealing with the computer..but did everything else. He saw that I was very unhappy and was afraid i would leave. He said he felt like a "stranger" in his own home because if he did tried to do anything and it wasn't the way I wanted it done, well he eventually just stopped. I have never seen him clean a toilet in the 7 years we've been together! But I alsp realized that this was the life I chose and even though I don't work anymore I make up for it by taking care of the house and kids. I've learned to choose my battles and just bite my tongue if he or the kids do something "differently" then I do it. Also taking the time to get those angry feelings out is very important to any relationship. If you give off clues that you can do it better yourself then how can you expect him to "want to change" for the better. Trust me as painful as this kind of communication is between couples you will feel so much better for it. If he is comitted to your relationship thenhe will listen to what your feelings are and make the attempt to better the family lifestyle. If he's not comitted then you have some tougher decisions to make. I wouldn't want my kids to learn habits tht I know would not benefit them in coming years. Be strong and stand your ground and tell him it's time to discuss a plan that will make everyone feel included and not separate. It is possible. :-)

[deleted account]

I am in the same situation as you. My husband goes to work, he may take out the trash and mow the lawn, but that is about it. I do the cleaning, laundry, cooking, shopping, bill paying, and take care of the kids all on my own 98% of the time. When he is around, he expects things to be done and be perfect and he wants my attention and affection. In essence, he is the third child. He has never even changed our 14 month old's diaper! I feeli like a single mom, too and often feel like it would be easier to truly be a single mom so that I would not have to cater to him and take care of him as well! I often feel frustrated and angry with my husband, just as you do.
A few things that help me are 1) I have a few friends that are also moms that I get together with once a week. We have a play date and our kids can play while we get to chat. Also, we get together once a month without our kids for dinner or drinks. I have made that once a month night out a priority and if my husband can't take care of the kids I find someone else to babysit so I can still go. Another thing that helps is having a daily routine to get it all done. I feel less overwhelmed when I know that things are not out of control. And when I am really angry and he is out with his friends or away fishing or doing things for himself, I remind myself of how strong I really am, and that I really can do it all on my own if I choose to, and that my staying with him is my choice.
I wish I had some advice for yo about how to get him to help out more, but I don't. I have just learned to live with it and make the best of it, keeping in mind that I am lucky to have the opportunity to be with my kids and not have to put them into daycare all day long. At the end of the day, I wouldn't trade my time with them for anything because they are growing up so fast and I am here to see it!

Kelina - posted on 04/24/2010

2,018

9

235

I have exactly the same problem and the only time i've ever managed to get through to my husband was when I threatened to leave him. I wasn't going to have my son grow up with the same kind of father that I did. It might not be an option for you or that might not be something you want to consider but husband got better for a time. I have to keep reminding him and sometimes it seems like he still doesn't get it, but usually leaving him with the baby for the day works. Being a SAHM isn't the walk in the park that most men seem to think it is. try to tell him that!

Shannon - posted on 04/23/2010

72

4

13

Wow, I just posted a couple days ago about the same thing. I've been going through these same issues. One thing that helps is knowing I'm not the only one. We have been married 13 years and have these same fights all the time. I know exactly how you feel and sometimes wonder if being a real single mom would be easier. Men just don't get it. If your guy is willing, you could try some marriage advice books or online classes. I gave my husband an article once called "mad at dad" which he said gave him new insight, although he seems to have forgotten what he read. Anyway if you guys can connect again, it would help..

Angela - posted on 04/23/2010

80

6

7

Well, running the risk of not telling you what you want to hear, I'll say it anyway. I am like you. My husband works a full time job as a teacher and then he sometimes has to work after school in a construction type job. He works very hard. He even works on his holidays from teaching. He does help with some things-that being taking out the garbage and a few extras because I am almost 39 weeks with our second child. I know that sometimes it is hard-but I remind myself daily that many women can't stay home with their children. They have to keep a house and cook and all those things and go to work.



The other thing that I have done to make sure that I don't get resentful (because sometimes I start to get that anger inside too) is to set up rules. When he comes home from work he is not "off duty" until our little one is in bed. Sometimes all I want him to do is play with her and keep her out of the kitchen while I get my work done. After 8:00 when our daughter is asleep he can surf the net or play video games or whatever. Occasionally I have had to kick him in the butt about things, but for the most part he is starting to understand an important truth. I watch our little ones while he is at work. When he comes home I need him to watch our little ones while I get my work done so that I am not still doing the dishes at 12:00. As long as you each get an equal break during the day I think that is the most important thing. Another great thing that he does is watch Belle every Saturday morning so that I can sleep in. Maybe something like that would help you too.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms