Grandmother Issues

Sarah - posted on 10/12/2009 ( 4 moms have responded )

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My husband and I welcomed his second my first daughter into our family in Feb. 2009. He has a 6 yr old daughter from a previous marriage. We have partial custody of her and she actually spends the majority of her time in our home. Both of my husbands parents are deceased. His stepmother has raised him since he was 3. Right now my husband and I are struggling with the feeling that our second daughter was getting any attention from her "meme" and that eldest daughter was getting it all. We tried talking about our feelings with her on several occasions. She continually denied it. We invited her over one evening to discuss it and she was upset that our eldest wasn't there. When we brought up how we were feeling and asked her to split her attention equally she informed us that she had no desire to have a relationship with our youngest. That maybe she would try when she was 6 yrs old. She then brought in some unecessary comments about my husband's relationship with his now deceased father that were very hurtful to us. And also some hurtful comments about me. We have since decided to cut ties with her and are not allowing the children to see her. (She has gone through the eldest's mother to see her and so she told us she does not care to see the rest of us.) Sometimes I feel like we are in the wrong. Are we? What would you do in our situation?

4 Comments

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Alesha - posted on 10/12/2009

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I don't believe you are in the wrong. It will take sometime, but your youngest would have noticed that she was treated and looked at differently by her grandmother. I don't think anyone should show favoritism to any one child, because in the long run it will seriously hurt them emotionally and psychologically. I read that the mother of the oldest is letting the grandmother see her, and as of right now I would not worry too much about it. By the time the oldest is ten she will start wondering wihy she does not spend anytime with her sister. The questions will start coming in, and when she (either of them) comes to you simply tell her that you would sit down with her and the grandmother to find out. Don't expect your child to do it, because more than likely she will be too affraid or timid about it. Don't let the grandmother snow blow you or the children, and actually force the issue by having the oldest one there if not both of them.

Cheryl - posted on 10/12/2009

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in my opinion no your not, your youngest is her grandchild just as much as the oldest! then for her to go on and say mean and hurtful things is completly un called for, and if your husband still gets a long with his ex maybe he should sit down with her and explain what happend and what she said, so that she knows why you have made this decision she may agree with you as well, and i'm kind of in the same situation, i have an older son from a previous relationship that my husband has adopted and we welcomed our second back in july now my father in law has always can my oldest his "adopted" grandson but family non the less, my brother in laws kids get a lot more from grandpa then my son does, and now with the baby, he is always around my youngest and barely says a word to my youngest (even at my oldest birthday party), he has also compared me to his ex wife (my husbands mother) saying things like she had no problem losing all her baby weight you still have to work on it (this was when my baby was 6 mths old), or my ex took care of the 3 boys cleaned the whole house and still had dinner waiting for me when i got home at 5, and many other hurtful comparisons to his ex wife, now the reason why they all hurt so bad and why i don't talk to him at all anymore, his ex wife is not his ex because of a divorce, she's his ex cause she left him and the 3 boys my husband was 3 his older brother was about 6 and his younger brother just under a year and she completely walked away from all of them leaving my father in law to raise them all on his own no help from her, now as a mother when someone compares me to someone who didn't want to be a mother is very hurtful, so i understand why you have cut ties with her.

Rachael - posted on 10/12/2009

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oh wow that is so sad,I so would cut ties with her too if she can't give the same amount attention to both then she dosent need the privlidge of even giving it to one.Thats not fare to anyone. And how will the youngest feel if her older sister got attention from the grandma but not her,i'm sure she would be very sad expecially if she dosent understand why. Sounds like the grandmother is very selfish and self centered. I know some ppl like that,pay attention to some but not the others or get things for some but never the others.Its really sad when ppl act this way. And they shouldnt even get the right to do it.Your doing the right thing in not letting her be in there lives if she can't give the attention to both. I'm so sorry your in this situation,I have 4 children,and couldnt imagine a grandparent not giving attention to just one and not all of my kids. so sad,and shame on there grandma! :0(

Marianne - posted on 10/12/2009

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I feel that you are NOT in the wrong by any means. I would have done the same thing. To me she is only bringing in DRAMA and that is so middle school. So I too would cut my ties I would not see her or allow her to see my children anymore. Trust me I am in your shoes. My husband and his sister dont really get along. She has used him to the point of being illegal and she can go to jail for it. She stated some things that I did not like either to get him to side with her or to start some crude in our house. Well long story short she was having a party and my husband was the only one to go. She messed up so she misses out. My children and I spent the day at the mall and enjoyed ourselves without so much as a thought to her. Well she ended up being upset. So....that is what may happen. Maybe she will turn around and realize her error or never be there again. I would let it be and walk away if she wants to spend time with you guys then she will turn around.

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