Grandparents

Tessa - posted on 04/20/2010 ( 6 moms have responded )

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I am so upset with my husband's parents. Yesterday was my daughter's first birthday and they did not even have the courtesy to give her a call. And, yes, I know that she is too young to know but it really bothers me. They have been so inattentive over the past year and rarely make time for our family. They only want to see us when it can benefit them in some way (like getting to show our daughter off to other people and brag about her even though they never spend time with her.) We live in the same town and I can count on one hand the number of times they have been to our house even though they have been invited several times a month. They never invite us over and barely make time for us if we do go over there. I just don't understand and it makes me sad that they do not want to develop a relationship with their granddaughter. Is anyone else going through this with grandparents?

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Rose - posted on 04/20/2010

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terrible, i just left my family 8000 miles away to be closer to his and they dont really show affection at all, thye have also been invited over but only come when we are arguing, but we are the ones who have to go over there if they want to see our 8 month old. this can go one of two ways hun, either they are family or they are not, you need to express the fact to them that they will not be seeing her for a while unless they come over like civilized human beings, could it be that they havent accepted you? this year, hold all holidays at your place, they will show or they wont, but at least you will have the people who mean most to you. hold bbqs at the park so no one is under any stress. if you do go over there, dont leave her over there, they lost that privaledge when they ignored the fact that you only turn one once. still be nice as can be, just set down some rules so they dont walk all over you. they are complaining thye never spend time with her, then cut them off completly until they come to the scence that they arnt going to be around forever and need to empty all the pride shoved up thier, you know what, and show some respect.

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yup. husbands mom LIVES with his ex wife. needless to say she has no relationship with our kids, i dont even consider her to be their grandmother. (sorry, its a touchy subject) it is THEIR loss. and they are the ones who will have regrets ..not you...

Danielle - posted on 04/20/2010

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Yes! I have it coming from both sides. My parents will only keep my son and my MIL will only keep my daughter. Since they are your husbands parents then he needs to calmly talk to them and explain what they are missing out on. You don't want to have to go through what I went through the other nite when my 6yr old lil boy asked why he couldn't go to my MIL's house and his sister could. That's a hard question to answer to a child. Talking may or may not work. Depending on the grandparents. It didn't work for us...nothing has yet but maybe it will be different for you. Good luck =)

[deleted account]

I have the same problem. My husbands parents do live a little bit away but even when they are in our town we have to find out where they are staying so they can see our children. they never bother to come to our house. They didnt come when our daughter or son were born they have never rang on their birthdays never been to any of their party's ( i had big 1sts for them) didnt even ask how our son was when he fractured his skull and had bleeding on the brain. My husbands parents have seperated and his father ont he other hand is a beautiful person who rings every week just to see how we and the kids are. But in the whole time i have been with my husband his mother has only ever rang when she has wanted to borrow money, And i put a stop to that. Now she never calls. And what i find really hard is that my husbands sister has 3 kids who mean the world to his mum, and his younger brother is about to have a child and all we hear about is this happening, even though they know we dont get along with his brother or his brothers girlfriend.

Sorry just thought i'd have a bit of a rant and let you know that nope your not the only one!

Kristin - posted on 04/20/2010

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Have you spoken to your husband about this? Maybe he needs to have a chat with them.

Ultimately, do not feel responsible for their behavior. How is her relationship with your parents? If yours are interested and involved, then encourage that relationship to grow. It is okay to feel saddened by what they are doing, but try not to pass that on to your daughter at this point. If or when she asks, just be truthful and tell her you don't know why they aren't closer. Hopefully, this is a conversation you will never need to have.

You asked if anyone was going through this. We have a similar but different situation. My dad has seen his biological grandkids maybe 3 times for the older and once for my youngest. I am pretty certain that he is caught in the middle of what is being perceived as a power struggle between his children and his wife (2nd, and not my mom). My husband and I have repeatedly extended invitations for them to come visit as it easier, # of people and $$$, for them to do so. The other visits have been on our trips out and squeezed into what we had already planned. It seems hugely unfair that they can't come to us and yet they travel to see her biological grandkids all the time.

Family dynamics are a logistical nightmare most of the time. I have made a concious decision to just let it go for the most part. I will talk with my kids about things as they ask and be as honest as I can be. I will try to avoid conjecture and speculating as much as possible. I will not put our family into situations that are potentially explosive and I won't be leaving them with my dad and his wife either. I am making the choices now and not letting them control the situation any longer.

I hope this helps. Find some peace within yourself and just focus on that amazing creature who is your daughter.

Dana - posted on 04/20/2010

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Yep. Irritating isn't it? Our son, the first grandchild on both sides, passed away at 14 months old. My husbands family barely ever saw him. I thought for sure when our daughters were born they would make an effort to see them, especially knowing all they missed out on with Clayton and then lost their chance but they still don't come around. My husbands little brother told me that their mom 'thought I hated her' and that's why she didn't come. So called and had a long talk with her about it and told her I didn't hate her. We only live 5 minutes away. I told her I didn't really feel like it was my responsibility to make sure grown people made time to see their grandchildren, but that of course she was welcome to see the girls anytime. The same thing I have told her and other members of our family dozens of times... I thought everything was worked out, but obviously not. That has been over a year ago and she still only sees the girls when we happen to be at the same place or some kind of family thing is going on. A couple of times she actually called to see if she could come out and then never showed up anyway. I've given up. I think she likes for people to feel sorry for her because she has this mean daughter in law who doesn't let her come over. I feel like I've done all I can to explain to show her she's welcome here anytime and I don't know what else to do.

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