Having Issues with my husband! Please Help!

Hiliany - posted on 10/10/2010 ( 126 moms have responded )

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I've never done this before. But I am about to drive myself crazy! I don't like telling other people of our personal problems cause usually they just get even more bad things in your head, and you even end up getting more upset at the husband, and the next day, it all good again.

But this time I think is different. Certainly, not talking hasn't help me out much. And i am about to lose my marriage. I feel so stupid right now.... When we were dating our relationship was absolutely perfect. And even our weeding day, everything seemed like it was just meant to be. We literrally decided to get married 3 weeks before we did. And we didn't really plan much. We just took a plane for me to meet his parents, and his family. And they were the nicest people in the world to me. THey welcomed me in the family right away. And they treated me like their own daughter. The day we went to get married, we were just going to the court to get the paper signed. It just happened that the coffee place right infront of it was of some friends of their family and he was a priest too. So he offered us to marry us and he even got some sandwiches done and some coffee drinks and everything. We were so grateful. But not only that, right beside the coffee place, there was also a weeding chapel. When the owners of this chapel heard our story, that we just decided to get married, at last minute, and that we were just going to have the ceremony right there at the coffee place, they offered us the chappel Free of charge. EVERYTHING WAS JUST MEANT TO BE!

As A little girl, I had always dreamed of a big weeding, and all my friends and all the usual fancy things a girl always wants. But that day, I really didnt care about all that. I Only cared about him being there! i onLY cared about being married to Him! My family is orginally from HOnduras, and since it was so last minute, they werent able to make it. my sister was on the phone while i got married, and she was just crying in the other end. But even though no one from my family was there, in person, I knew they were all right there with me in spirit. And again, I only cared about having him waiting at the alter for me!

Since that night, everything changed though! I wont tell you the whole story cause I wont finish today! But to make it short! We now have 2 babies. A one year old and a 2 year old. Everything has changed, even our sex life. He doesn't even want to touch me no more! Lately, he has been complaining so much about his life. That it has been 3 years since the last time he saw a football game... that he doesn't get to sleep till late no more... that he is the only one that works... that he can't buy all what he wants...

I know he is stressed. But I am too! I had a life too! And I stopped Everything, because now i have to take care of my kids! I can't just spend what I used to, and I can't just go dancing every weekend now, and I can't be doing all the activities I used to do no more. I used to do my hair atleast once a month. i havent done it in like 6 months. And when i do is because my mom tells me to treat myself. And Yes I stay at home with the kids, but that doesnt mean that i DONT HELP him out economically either. I am a Photographer, and I do my photography on the weekends. Not only that but I manage some condos for my dad, and every time I rent his units he gives me a commission. I am always selling the used things of my kids, or whatever we dont need in the house no more. I am always trying to make money. I am ALWAYS trying to save money. For many months we didnt even have cable in the house. Cause we were really tight. And when we decided to get cable, I looked for the most affordable package. I always am calling to make sure we have the lowest insurance. Only this year alone we have saved over $5,000 just on me making phone calls, and getting deals on everything.

Before i got married, I used to change my closet every year! Since the day I got married, I still have the same cloth right now! I have made many sacrifizes, changed my still of living to be with him. ANd its not that i am complaining, not at all. I dont mind sacrifizing as long as my kids dont have too. But it does bother me that, he doesnt see all that I do. ANd yet he has the balls to tell me I dont do anything!

I not only take care of my 2 kids, a one year old, and a two year old. I clean the house. DO laundry, cook, am President of the Home Association, manage 10 condos for my dad. And still help him with his work too when he needs me too. And on top of that i do my photography. Really, when he told me I don't do anything! I was ready to FLIP MY SWITCH!

i do know what i am worth, I do know All that I do! Specially for him! but I really have gotten to the point, that I can't take no more disrespect for him. Lately, hes gotten to the point to even hit me! I have Never told this anyone before, cause I am so embarrased to even say anything. Everyone has always seen my marriage so perfect. Yet it is not! THey dont know all I've been going through. I don't have any friends, or anyone to talk to about this. All this 3 years, ive dedicated to him and my kids. Other than that, I dont do much!

This past month, I had been so overwhelmed with everything. Specially my kids, cause they just started to be soo mischevious, that they have been driving me crazy. And my husband has had me soo stressed that is not even funny, and it affects me cause I take it out on the kids. So i decided to get a job, I got a part time with a management company, that had been seeing all my work with the association and they were impressed on how I had turned the association to a positive in just 3 months. So they hired me. So i went ahead and looked for a school for my kids to go during the morning to allow me to do my job. I was so excited that I was able to find a very good school for an affordable price, that they arent just a daycare, they actually teach the kids. So I was very excited about that, cause it is very important to me that my kids get to be learning right now. They are very clean, and they even have a camera system, with real time, that I can view from my house. So I felt very comftable about that.

Well the issue is that my husband this weekend when he got upset at me, he even yelled at me "You are so Lazy, that you are even going to waste $1,000 a month!"

That just overflood the cup! That just threw me off! Cause it is not a waste!
1- Is not like I am just sending the kids to a daycare, I am actually sending them to a school, where they are going to be LEARNING! IT IS FOR OUR KIDS BENEFIT! They are only going part time, at 1 I am picking them up.
2- With the job I got I am paying for their school, is not like he will have to pay a penny for it
3- I was trying to do this for myself, so I can detach a little from the kids.

He says, I am lazy that I dont want to take care of the kids! Common I am the one who is with them 7 days a weeks 24 hours a day. He can't be with them not even an hour cause he is all stressed out, and yelling at me to come back home. I not only, watch the kids, but do EVERYTHING else in the house. i mean if I were to charge him, for every hour i CLEAN and watch the kids, he will owe me Millions right now!

I may love him and everything, but i WONT ALLOW him to run over me! I feel that that is the problem though. That, even after he does this shows, I am the one always crying and going to hug him, and ask him to calm down. And tell him that I love him. Many times, I really feel like If i am begging him to be with me.

I know I am beautiful, I know what I am capable of, I know i can do it on my own! I know, that by tommorow I can have any man to my knees. Yet, I am so Stupid, and I am here, waiting for him to come to me and apologies! :'(

I've told him many times, to just leave, and let me be. To let me find my happiness, cause I may love him with all my heart, yet I dont feel he does no more. He tells me he does, but he doesnt act like he does. I really wish, for him to just leave! I may hurt for a couple of days, but I am strong and Ill get over it. But I am not sure if I should just let him go. I dont know if there is just something else that I havent tried yet. I pray to God, to let me know if he was the actual man the wanted for me to spend the rest of my life with, or if I just need to let him go.

Cause I can't keep on being disrespected like he does! Help me Please~

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

[deleted account]

Is everyone missing something???? She has been hit, by her husband... are there that many women out here that think this is ok and normal... or did I misunderstand something?

Kendra - posted on 10/11/2010

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I don't even kno how to start this so I'm just going to get straight to the point. I have worked a while in a domestic violence shelter while obtaining my degree and everything that you are describing are things I've seen many times. What he is doing at this point is considered emotional AND from what you're saying physical abuse. And it's only going to get worse if something isn't done now. I've seen it many times how the woman stays with excuses of how he was upset and didn't mean it, he's a better man when he's not angry, yada yada yada, then we (the shelter personnel) are sent to see those same women in the hospital after they've been beaten so badly they have to eat through a straw. I don't care how "angry" he is, you NEVER lay your hands on another person.
I don't give a damn about a 50/50 marriage when a man is abusing you in the hospital after you've had a baby!
You need to do something fast before this gets even more out of hand. I'm not one for a marriage splitting just because of a few problems and if it were a matter that can be fixed by talking to a counselor I'd be the first person to tell you to go for it, I've done it and it really does make a difference but this situation is different. You need to do something, anything and do it as soon as possible.

Julie - posted on 10/10/2010

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This is going to sound harsh, but this is what I think.

1. You married him. Marriage is for better or worse. Now that everything isn't picture perfect, it isn't so fun. You are both taking your stress out on one another. This happens in marriage. Now you need to sit down and figure out calmly what exactly it is you need from each other. You can't walk away or tell him to until you have exhausted every option to try and make it better. Don't wait for him to apologize, suck it up tell him you love him AGAIN and tell him you really want to talk. Not fight.

2. Being a mom is overwhelming. We all understand how some days can seem never ending. I understand believe me. My kids are 8, 7, 4 and 3. But so is being a dad and having the pressure of trying to support your family. When things are tight, it gets to them. Understandably. Let him play a little. Buy him tickets to the football game. Reward him for working so hard. Even if you have to sacrifice a little more personally. Because when you do that he just might be more willing the next month to sacrifice something and give back to you. Maybe it won't work (it does for us) but it's worth a try.

3. Congrats on your job! Only you guys can know whats best for your family and maybe the extra income will relieve some of the stress. I am so glad you found a "school" that you like for your kids. BUT really? A "school" for 1 and 2 year olds... All they need to be learning right now is how to play with kids. Basic skills. Not academics. I really don't think they will have any huge benefit from the school. The benefit they will receive is you being happier, not the school itself.

I hope you can work it out. Again, this is just honest advice from my point of view. I am not trying to bash you :)

Rebecca - posted on 10/12/2010

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I agree with Kendra and Summer! Stop making excuses for him! Hitting is not ok! Is there something mentally or medically wrong with him, that he can't see or understand what he is doing or saying to you? Guaranteed, he knows exactly what he is doing! He is pushing you to see how far your limit is, so that when you do leave him, or kick him out, he will then say he had a reason for hitting you. I have seen this happen to a couple of my friends. Please seek help from a professional before he really hurts you or your kids. He does not deserve you! As for better or worse, Worse doesn't mean getting hit by him and taking it, and making excuses for him! And 50/50 means BOTH trying, not just one!

[deleted account]

I don't agree with Tasha at all, once I read that he hit you... well, that would be it. No one has the right to raise thier hand to someone else to be "in control". Whats gonna happen when your kids are older and he gets angry at them? I say you need to confide in your family and ask for help. If he truley loves you he will fight for your love and completly change. You cannot remain int a relationship like that and have a happy life. You will always feel belittled and never be yourself.

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Margaret - posted on 07/10/2011

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OK!
You need to have some time to yourself and it is good for you to find yourself a part-time job. the children will also benefit from this break from you too!

I also had this fight with my husband too! He was more bothered that I was wasting my money on childcare and also wanted me at home all of the time with the children.
Now we come to the reason for his and also my husband's behavour! It is simply a matter of 'dominance' - He has more dominance over you when you are at home looking after his children and he is the sole breadwinner!
With you working -even part time, he loses that dominance
The best thing you can do is to tell him that you are doing your best with hepling with the family budget! Yes, the moeny for the children being taken care of will only be for a short time, and after your working part time while the chldren are little, you will then be ready for a full time job later on while the children are at full time school! This may make him even more cross and angry because he needs the reassurance that your not going to leave him!
However you also need to consider the safety of not only yourself but also the children if he continues in this abusive behaviour of yourself and the family! By your working even part time, you are proving to him that your are not being lazy you are trying to assist him in providing for the family!
In the meantime you must start to put a little of your money aside for yourself! You must also prepare a "go bag" packed with some clothes for yourself and your children and leave this bag with a freind who you can go to whould you need it in a hurry! Choose someone who you can trust who will not tell him that you have done this!
Also find an alternative method of child care too for when/if/ should you need it!
Why should yo do this? Simply because he will either listen to you, or the beatings on you may get worse, or he might take it out on the children to 'bring you to heel!'
you need to have a plan if you do not wish to place either you or your children in such danger as I have described

Taylor - posted on 07/10/2011

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ok, first off. i think i can help u, i sort of went through that as well, being a stay at home mom, around the kids 24 hours a day is tough, i think your hubby feels u are lazy because u got a job and the kids are in daycare now, and he is stressed with money issues but he is also the man of the house, so maybe he feels like u r taking over his job, so he complains about money big deal who does not do that, but most men or at least my hubby is the same way, he wants to bust his butt and work while a stay at home with the kids. If u want to work and it is making u happy than go for it, but if u feel what is best for your kids is to stay at home, let your hubby stress about the bills, thats what mine does. I cook, clean, garden, take care of our daughter i am pregnant with another right now, and go to online college, but sometime he comes home and as soon as he comes home i try to get him to spend time with her so i can have a break to clean or do laundry or something , but he sees that as not wanting to take care of the kids, so now i changed up my routine, i stay to myself, i do my jobs the house stays clean, i watch my child, and i do not ask him for help at all, if i get upset i call my counselor, or i write in a diary. Your husband and u are just going through the stages of being parents. It is expensive it is tiring, try to help with the kids more, and try to let him sleep more, take the kids on a walk or the park or the library, get them out of the house so he can have some peace,,,,,,does it suck that he gets peace when he should be letting us get peace too....yes but it is what it is. Your job is the mom, so be the mom, also when it comes to your relationship, men do not like uptight women or women who nag, i know cuz i am one of them lol, but i had to learn how to just let it go i have a beautiful home, i am alive healthy, have a man that in my heart knows he loves me, i do not need to keep asking him the relationship question, he is here is he not? then that means he is staying, so stop worrying, if u want to fix the sex, maybe get some sexy clothes and dance for him when night, i do that now and it helped BIG time ,, put a movie on for the kids, lock the door, and hit the shower together, lol u have to learn how to manage your life, thats all hun, i was in your shoes too and now we are ok again, i let go of trying to fix us or talk about us and just am being the mom i am supposed to be, I am not going to leave him ever cuz my daughter adores her daddy he is a great daddy he provides for us, and we have been together for 7 years, we have been through so much together and we are a couple that does not believe in quitting, trust me hun it will get better, this is just the season, it is winter now, but soon it will be summer, just focus on being the best mom u can be, leave him alone, show your appreciating for all his hard work, try to accomodate him a little more. Hope this helps, i had the same issue with my hubby and i did all that and now we are great. We have our issues, but who doesn't we just know that even if we do not get along now we love each other and in this case it is best for us to stay together for the kids, so we have learned how to stop pushing each others buttons and to try to complete each other not compete with each other.
Good luck

Taylor - posted on 07/10/2011

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ok, first off. i think i can help u, i sort of went through that as well, being a stay at home mom, around the kids 24 hours a day is tough, i think your hubby feels u are lazy because u got a job and the kids are in daycare now, and he is stressed with money issues but he is also the man of the house, so maybe he feels like u r taking over his job, so he complains about money big deal who does not do that, but most men or at least my hubby is the same way, he wants to bust his butt and work while a stay at home with the kids. If u want to work and it is making u happy than go for it, but if u feel what is best for your kids is to stay at home, let your hubby stress about the bills, thats what mine does. I cook, clean, garden, take care of our daughter i am pregnant with another right now, and go to online college, but sometime he comes home and as soon as he comes home i try to get him to spend time with her so i can have a break to clean or do laundry or something , but he sees that as not wanting to take care of the kids, so now i changed up my routine, i stay to myself, i do my jobs the house stays clean, i watch my child, and i do not ask him for help at all, if i get upset i call my counselor, or i write in a diary. Your husband and u are just going through the stages of being parents. It is expensive it is tiring, try to help with the kids more, and try to let him sleep more, take the kids on a walk or the park or the library, get them out of the house so he can have some peace,,,,,,does it suck that he gets peace when he should be letting us get peace too....yes but it is what it is. Your job is the mom, so be the mom, also when it comes to your relationship, men do not like uptight women or women who nag, i know cuz i am one of them lol, but i had to learn how to just let it go i have a beautiful home, i am alive healthy, have a man that in my heart knows he loves me, i do not need to keep asking him the relationship question, he is here is he not? then that means he is staying, so stop worrying, if u want to fix the sex, maybe get some sexy clothes and dance for him when night, i do that now and it helped BIG time ,, put a movie on for the kids, lock the door, and hit the shower together, lol u have to learn how to manage your life, thats all hun, i was in your shoes too and now we are ok again, i let go of trying to fix us or talk about us and just am being the mom i am supposed to be, I am not going to leave him ever cuz my daughter adores her daddy he is a great daddy he provides for us, and we have been together for 7 years, we have been through so much together and we are a couple that does not believe in quitting, trust me hun it will get better, this is just the season, it is winter now, but soon it will be summer, just focus on being the best mom u can be, leave him alone, show your appreciating for all his hard work, try to accomodate him a little more. Hope this helps, i had the same issue with my hubby and i did all that and now we are great. We have our issues, but who doesn't we just know that even if we do not get along now we love each other and in this case it is best for us to stay together for the kids, so we have learned how to stop pushing each others buttons and to try to complete each other not compete with each other.
Good luck

[deleted account]

I agree...you need to leave!! I was in a relationship like this for 6 yrs. It will only get worse, please don't wait as long as i did!

[deleted account]

Okay sweetheart, you need to leave. Im not saying you need to get a divorce! But you must leave. You have to love yoirself before you can truly love someone else. he is being physically and verbally abusive. Its scary. But your children cannot and do not deserve to be around this. I think that stress has over taken your lives and if you and your husband do not know how to handle it that how do you expect your babies to deal with it? I do not advocate divorces but you must leave the home. you two need counseling. You two can have a beautiful life together but you need to learn ways to deal with issues. Obviously what your doing right now isnt working. Please feel free to email me:)

[deleted account]

Okay sweetheart, you need to leave. Im not saying you need to get a divorce! But you must leave. You have to love yoirself before you can truly love someone else. he is being physically and verbally abusive. Its scary. But your children cannot and do not deserve to be around this. I think that stress has over taken your lives and if you and your husband do not know how to handle it that how do you expect your babies to deal with it? I do not advocate divorces but you must leave the home. you two need counseling. You two can have a beautiful life together but you need to learn ways to deal with issues. Obviously what your doing right now isnt working. Please feel free to email me:)

Jessica - posted on 07/07/2011

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There is NO EXCUSE for physical abuse. Get out now before its too late for you and your children. Trust me... I know what I am talking about.

Jessica - posted on 07/07/2011

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There is NO EXCUSE for physical abuse. Get out now before its too late for you and your children. Trust me... I know what I am talking about.

Tina - posted on 10/28/2010

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First off there was signs of him being abusive before you got married you just chose to ignor them! Now that you have children they need to come first! They do not need to be raised that way that is abuse to them. You already know what to do......save your children! Document all abuse keep them at a safe place like your parents. If possible put the house back in your parents name. Get a legal seperation and ask him to get help and dont take him back until he does I would give him at least a year with help and go back to dating and watch the signs, if he does not change move on and don't fall for "I'll Change" see the change first. Please keep him in the childrens life(dont fight over the children) Visitations with him will give you a break and time to get help for yourself. I will say a prayer for you.

Melissa - posted on 10/28/2010

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If you feel like Its in your best interest, then you should leave. Also take into consideration that that is probably not the best environment for your kids to grow up in. They need to be your number one priority, not you or your hubby. Do they really need to see how daddy treats mommy disrespectfully? Do they need to feel stressed out because your hubby is dissatisfied with his life and family?

Those are the questions you need to ask yourself. and then follow through with your decision because how you act and handle it will determine how they view you and your husband. Think carefully. They need you.

By the way, my sister was in the same situation but without children. After one year of trying to help her away from that man, she is finally out on her own and happier than ever! Since she left him, she has totally changed her attitude towards herself. And she has so much better self-esteem than she did when she was with him!

Jenni - posted on 10/25/2010

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I am shocked and appalled by comments made: "he is just stressed out". Granted. It's probably true but is that any excuse to abuse their partner physically or emotionally??? Most people do not HIT someone because they are stressed out. It is NOT normal behaviour and if you think it is then I would seriously get a reality check. (That comment isn't directed at you Hillany, at the people making those comments)

The events you described points out clearly that this man is an abusive, manipulative, control freak. In cases like this it is so deep-seeded in their psyche that they DO NOT CHANGE ever! They may feel guilty and geniunely appologize to you, they may want to change, tell you they are going to. They may treat you good again for another year, another month, another week. But they WILL continue to abuse you.

It is clear to me that you are under his manipulation. You are making excuses for his behaviour. Asking him politely to leave?????? Are you kidding? Stand up for yourself girl and tell him GET THE HELL OUT OR I'M CALLING THE POLICE AND THEY WILL ESCORT YOU OUT!"

Because dear, the real question you need to ask yourself isn't about you or him.... it's about your children. Do you want your children growing up seeing their Dad abuse their Mom and their mom putting up with it. What will that teach your children? Your son that it's normal to abuse and hit women? Your daughter that it's normal for a man to abuse and hit her? It's not about you or him it's about them. That's why I'm sick of hearing marriage is forever or through thick and thin. It gives women the excuse to put up with their abuser or to justify their staying with him in clear cases of abuse.

Honey, it's not normal or ok for anyone to hit you. He wont stop even if he wants to and it will only get worse the more he realizes you'll stay and put up with it.

I wish the best outcome possible for you and your children and I hope you can teach them how to be happy in life.

Catherine - posted on 10/25/2010

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Ok, I'd just like to one thing more....

"work it out", "talk it out" in this situation. I truly believe that he needs to be out of the house right now. If you want to try and save the marriage, do it from a distance to keep you and the kids safe. There is no working it out when he's beating you! There is no saving the marriage when he cripples or kills you. You don't know if it will go that far. You can hope that it doesn't, but just stop and think for a second. When you met him and married him - then got pregnant with him the first time, did you ever believe he'd hit you? Don't be niave in thinking it couldn't get worse... Pllllllleeeeeeeaaaasssseeeeeee, for you and your kids - get out and if you are intent on "saving" this marriage or "sticking" it out, do it through counselling, while you and the kids are separated from him.

Tabitha - posted on 10/24/2010

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I went thru the same thing with my partner of over 8yrs. now, after the kids were born. It took about 4yrs. to get back to semi-normal.....you have to make a decision to stay and stick it out or let it go!! Because in all honesty the things he's saying is a form of verbal abuse, which can depress and demean you as a person. Try to sit down and talk it through, because you don't want to raise your children in a hostile or high-volume household.....hope everything works out :)

Gabrielle - posted on 10/23/2010

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He sounds like a control freak. You need to get out. I know marriage is for better or worse but you don't need the abuse. Males don't handle kids as well as women. I have a 17month old and a newborn and my husband now has to mind the 17month old more. He gets tired and shitty, welcome to my world. do what is in your heart, womens instinct.

Brenda - posted on 10/23/2010

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The first 3 years of my marriage were the worst!!!!! Marriage isn't all sunshine and roses that you think it's going to be when you enter into it!!! My husband and I have now been married 16 1/2 years. After the first 3 years of hell we separated and did marriage counseling. We tried 4 different counselors before we found the right one for us. We discovered that we both wanted our marriage to work. You have to both want it and both be willing to do what it takes to make it work, face the hard truths. Marriage is about two people, not to mention the two people you added. You can't go into it thinking you are going to or want to change the other person. It sounds like you and your husband need a neutral party to help work out your frustrations. It can't be easy to react in a calm and rational way when you are being called names. You need to get this taken care of as soon as possible if the emotional abuse is turning physical. No offense, but it sounds like you both need to grow up and think about the kids. Kids don't ask to be brought into the world, we choose to have them. They deserve the best we can give them and they learn from us. How we handle our relationships is how they will most likely handle theirs. Good luck. I hope you find the answers you are looking for!!! I know how tough it can be

Charity - posted on 10/23/2010

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First, I want to address the fact that he hit you. What were the circumstances around that? Were you fighting? Is this something that is likely to be repeated? I could forgive a single slap, but if it happens agian, you owe it to yourself and your kids to leave. You do not have the right to stay in an abusive relationship and subject your children to that. Even if he doesn't hit them, it is emotional abuse to them. Marrige is for better or worse, but that is an exception, you should not stay to be abused, mentally or physically. Leaving for a short time while you get help for him and your marrige may be the wake-up call he needs to realize that he needs to try and/or get himself some help.

Don't worry about who paid for the house at this point, if it comes to divorce, then that will come into play, more important now is your and your kids' saftey. I don't believe in divorce except where there is a saftey issue. Only you can say whether he will likely hit you agian, but don't give him a chance to make a habit of it!!!!!! I think that you should definatly try to see if the marrige can be saved, but from a safe place, do not allow abuse to continue in the name of "working it out". And you should file a police report about past abuse, you need to show a history if he escalates and you need protection.

I want to say that Marrige needs to be a give and take relationship, it is never perfect, and sometimes it is really bad. If you still love him, it is worth fighting for. Pray, and be the wife you know you should be (and no, I don't mean a door mat, just a good wife, there is a BIG difference). I think you are doing well to have found a reputable, safe and positive place for your children to spend time while you work, and keep it up there.

If you are having money trouble, I would reccomend www.daveramsey.com my husband and I just started taking his Financial peace University. It is very helpful and not only gives useful tools to get out of debt, but also for spouses to discuss finances with less fighting. However, you both will need to be on board for that, I can't say if he will be willing to do it with you.

I think it is important for you both to have a little time each week to do what you want, as if you didn't have kids, maybe a couple of hours where you watch the kids so he can see that football game, and a couple of hours where he has the kids (or a babysitter does) so you can do your thing, or even have a date night.

Good luck and I hope you work it out. I will pray for you

Svetlana - posted on 10/23/2010

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Wow I'm so sorry you are going though that! I think you are way past giving him any more chances. He hit you in the hospital after you had a baby!!! He's an animal, I'm so so sorry but you need to get out. Abusers and horrible ones like him will take a miracle to change, I'm afraid for you, because if you mention divorse he may hurt you and the kids in a much worse way. You need to be somewhere very safe and far away from him, I'm seriously very scared for you and I will definately keep you and your kids in my prayers. Your kids should not be raised near an abuser, girls end up growing up and expecting and tolerating abuse and boys grow up to be abusers themselves. I'm so sorry, may God give you strenght, I'm all for no divorce even if a partner cheats if there are kids involved but in this instance the only choice is to get out as fast as possible. Don't listen to Tasha, she has major issues, can't figure out what her problem is.

Dee - posted on 10/22/2010

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Have you ever tired to talk to a counsler or a date night with your hubby swamp babysitting with your friends some times.

Amnie - posted on 10/22/2010

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Finally a few responses above that make sense...Thank you Kendra and all the ladies who are being supportive. Hillany ignore all the ladies who are telling you are cold etc... You are doing a great job and so many men are selfish and want everything for themselves. I know exactly how you feel. You need to confront me, maybe with someone around and tell him this is not on. Some men improve over time but not if we continue to allow them to do what they please. Don't go up to him and apologise just to keep the peace, "peace at any price is no peace at all". If he decides to improve then you as a couple can work on things. But if he doesn't then there can't be a we as you can't fix things on your own. It is so hard to be a mum, you are doing a fantastic job just be trying to also assist financially while taking care of two young kids so close in age. We teach people how to treat us and I know it's hard sweetie, but if you continue to allow him to dictate exactly how things go then it will only get worse. I wish you the best of luck and you have support on this site. Anyone with a negative comment of being non supportive obviously they must have a perfect marriage because they seem to be blaming you. It takes WE to make a marriage work, in saying that think how to respond to him, do not overly apologise all the time, as he may think that he is always in the right and that he doesn't have to change anything. Sit down with him and talk, make a list or write him a letter. :D

Ida - posted on 10/22/2010

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you sound like a strong women! And god bless you for that!.. I do have to say that hitting a woman for any reason is wrong.. if he hits you once he will do it again.. I'm sorry but I would be out the door making a new life for me and my kids quick if my husband hit me ever! ... You sound well educated and know how to save $$ ect.. I think that staying in a abusive relationship is wrong for any woman and her kids.. Get out while you can..it will only get worse not better. Think of your safety and your kids.. It sounds to me your kids are feeling the tension between you and your husband and may see him yelling at you which is not good! I pray for you and your kids!

RACHAEL - posted on 10/22/2010

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Girl...I wish I could simply give you a hug and let you know that everything you are feeling is completely normal and okay, given the circumstances. I honestly believe you need to seek the advise of professional counselors, either in your church community or some woman's advocacy center. You are being physically, mentally and emotionally abused, all of which is unacceptable in ANY marriage--a husband that ceases to be a servant to his wife ceases to be a husband. I cannot tell you what to do, but as far as I can tell, by the number of posts on this, there are plenty of women who will stand behind you, no matter your decision. Take care of yourself and those precious children of yours, and God Bless.

Jelena - posted on 10/22/2010

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I just CAN'T and WON'T understand all this women that keep telling you to stay and try to work it out!!!
OMG can you hear your self? Would you tell your daughters to stay in abusive relationship and try to work it out? Would you put up with a son in law who doesn't try to help your daughter and try to be better husband and father!? I kept reading the responses trying to read between the lines, but I can't see any support there...and she turned toward us for help and understanding, like sisters, friends, mothers, daughters...but no, from us just came the lame excuse for the husband...and she even mentioned that she knows he works hard(oh yes so is she!!!)...any way, I am glad that Kendra responded, at least she has something to say that she saw before in her professional experience...When do we move the boundaries? when do we allow our self to become a rag to step all over it? When did we start thinking of our self less, and why do our husbands deserve understanding, patience, "play time" , rest time, help, and we don't?
Who is gonna take care of you? Who is going to take care of your children if you get hurt and he hurts you? What are we teaching our children? Do you know that they are modeling the behavior that they see? What are they learning, to succumb to aggression or to become aggressive also?
Take care of your self the same way you would take care of your baby(you were someones baby long time ago too), your mothers, your grandmothers...

Tania - posted on 10/22/2010

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Oh my word... I dont have alot of time to say all the things I want, but if you insisted putting the house in both your names etc.... This is going to sound mean, and I dont know you at all.... but I think he is taking you for a ride... he saw you coming - he gets a free house, you do everything - cook/clean/kids! He is using you, and he is breaking down your self confidence by saying mean things like you are lazy because he likes being in control and he feels bad about himself and now he takes it out on you to feel better about himself! he doesn't want you to work, he wants you to stay home so that you might not meet anyone else, cause believe me you will meet someone in the "real world" and you will know that there are better, more respectful men out there...!

Stacey - posted on 10/22/2010

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wow! it sounds like you really want to make this work and he doesn't.
my best advice right now is to turn to Jesus. find a born again, Christian church w/ a pastor that can give you Godly advice and pray for you and your home. seek God, as you have been, in prayer and in reading the Bible.
no one should be treated like it sounds he is treating you, but only God can make your marriage what you desire it to be - not another man, not more money, not the perfect job or the perfect childcare solution.
You can leave, or he can leave....you'll find another spouse w/ another set of problems to deal with. seek God w/ all your heart for healing to this marriage before you decide to throw it away...for your sake and your children's sake. if your husband won't get on board w/ that, then and only then would i consider the alternative.
Good luck.

Julie - posted on 10/22/2010

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i say call the cops and have him physically removed, files charges of physical assault as well. get a lawyer, you obviously have a mind and know how to save money etc. use it to protect your kids and yourself! abuse should never be tolerated ever!! i am wondering if he is possibly cheating on you. just the way it sounded when you said he was not wanting to have physical affection with you. but dear get help, talk to your family and get him out of your life.

Margaret - posted on 10/22/2010

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Oh my!!! What to say in a post to you! There is no way to couch this in any other way other than tell that you are presently a victim of domestic abuse! There was no other way of telling you but right out loud and tell you!
What can you do about your situation? Lots!! Read up on domestice violence/ abuse, from the local library, the internet, i can tell you that if you were to ask him ot go with you to the meetings, and counselling sessions, he will refuse to go! So go on your own! Get the tools that you need in order to deal with the situation! You are still newly married, (less than five years), you have no contact with your parents on a daily basis, and of course there is no reason why you should be treated in this particular way! Particuarly the physical abuse! So! You need to make some decisions for not just yourself but for your children and yes, even for your husband too! His overall behaviour is simply not acceptable, not the fights, the verbal abuse and namecalling and certainly not his beating up on you!
First of all! Know that you are doing all that you can for your family! Your husband's point of view is obviously different from your own, that child care is needed and that you are in his eyes, wasting money! Whether you pay for this or not, this can seem an insult for some men that their wives have to go out to work! They do not seem to want to appear that they cannot provide fully for their families! Today, with the cost and needs of a young family it often takes two wage packets to maintain a family's needs! However, men seem to feel that their pride matters more! He may not even realise that his behaviour is wrong! But it is! And you must use whatever means necessary to make him realise this!
For a start, you have decided to look for help! That is a good thing! The shame if you feel,if any, is your husband's, and not yours! His is the voice which is raised in anger, He is the partner who is beating up on you! The next thing for you to do is not to give in to his demands! This husband of yours is kicking up because he feels trapped in a marriage where there is no money left for what he wants to do! He may even have taken the view that what ever money is earned it is for him to decide where and what it gets spent on! Also if you have money of your own, then he may he possibly fears that he may lose you to someone else! Who knows what he is thinking when his temper gets the better or him? and that is what is happening here! He loses control!
You and your children are the most important thing that matter here! If he is beating up on you then tell the local priest, or even the local police officer, help is there for him and if he is behaving in this dreadful way,then it is for you to first protect your self and then your children! His needs must come last! Oh!, and one other thing! You are not helping him by remaining quiet about his treatment of you either! The neighbours and your children are already witnesses to his behaviour towards you! Possibly, his family and his freinds, and work colleagues know and have seen the signs already!
You must speak out about his treatment of you! It is easy for you to stop being his victim and learn to be a survivor! You have appealed for help on here, so now read up about domestic abuse, look for advice centres who may be able to help you bring your husband back on to the right track, he may even be acting out of fear! A lot has happened to you both over the past few years!
I shall be keeping an eye out for you so tell us how things are going!

Take care,
Margaret

Sara - posted on 10/22/2010

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It sounds to me like you are going through what me and my (second) hubby went through. I have been married before but he didn't want children so i told him to leave which he did, (among other reasons). We had our first child, our daughter, last December at a time when my hubby had been sacked (for no reason - honestly no reason, any other country we could have sued) he fell into fits of depression and I had just had a baby. I came home from hospital after 8 days to a house which was SO dirty, messy and unorganised I could have cried. In 8 days he had done nothing in the house (he said he had tried to tidy but didn't know where to start) So I had a 5 day old baby and started to clean the house from top to bottom. Over the following 6 months I DID EVERYTHING, cleaning washing and looking after the baby the only thing he did was mope and cook for us.

Over this time we were constantly silent or shouting at each other and it was awful. There were times he was going to leave and go back to the UK (we are both british living in Austria with no family and friends) I told him to go.... I finally got him to tell me what was wrong, and he felt so pushed out of things.. he didn't have his wife he had the mother of his child. He wanted his wife back, the woman he married not the carer of the child. He loved his daughter SO much BUT I had changed into the carer and ALL I did was the house, child and shopping. He felt that he COULDN'T get close to me as I was always tired and thinking about the following day and planning things and that there was no couple in things, he felt that i didn't include him on the upbringing of our daughter and he wanted to be some part... he felt that it was me and MY daughter together and HIM alone.

Maybe this is something which has happened here... maybe you need to find a babysitter and for you and your husband to rekindle your marriage before it has gone too far. Things CAN get better once you discuss matters and I feel from what you have said that you are going through similar times as to what I have, My hubby was saying things to me that were similar to what your hubby said like 'you are always tired' 'you are always at home' 'nothing gets done around here'... you have lost your togetherness... it's a time to stop thinking of ONE and think as TWO again. If he is not for leaving then there must be something to work for.

If you can't get a babysitter for an evening then why not you both have a day off work and have a day together, maybe even just stay in bed andbe like old times... talk to each other, somewhere neutral, you HAVE TO TALK. NOONE ELSE can sort this out... only you and your husband it's no good going osterich and burying your head in the sandit won't go away and won't get better, no friends and family is hard I know this I live it! but you have to be strong take the bull by the horns and sort it. I'm sorry to say but no amount of praying will sort anything you MUST talk to each other like adults and NOT argue infront of the children as all this affects them too. Good luck to you and have a heart to heart.

By the way we are now very much happy, my hubby is in work and although it is 200km away he comes home at the weekends and we are looking to move. We found our love for each other again can you?

Iris - posted on 10/22/2010

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I had the same problem with my hubby. But it was him that decided to leave. We are meant to be together, but he got sick of the family life and left our sons and I to go out and date younger women and have fun.. To be honest with you, I love my hubby to death too and miss him so much, but I had to let him go and let him do his thing. He thinks he can find someone better who would cook for him and clean for him and look after him , with the women he is dating I wish him luck.. They are little girls.. Well let ur hubby go and see what happens. U don't need that crap from him. U just got to stay strong and put ur foot down..And he will realize how much of a good life with you !!!

[deleted account]

First I would suggest you draw closer to Jesus during this time. Only He can really help. It sounds like you are praying for an answer but really spending time reading His word in the Bible and joining a church fellowship group might give you the emotional support you need at a time like this.

The next suggestion would be to draw healthy boundaries for yourself and your children. That might look like getting a restraining order and having him removed from the home. If he wants this marriage and his family than he will have to get some type of abuse counceling to gain your trust and be trusted to be around the kids and if he does not want this marriage than he will have all the freedom he wants to do whatever he wants. If you love someone than set them free and if they love you they will return, under your set of healthy (not selfish) but safe rules. He may love you but not enought to change. Not a selfless love. That is what is required to form a marriage. Two people letting go of self and becoming one.

Have you heard of codependance? There are many books and groups that deal with this and you, as I am, are a classic example of this. There is a book called Boundaries, I cannot remember the author.

As far as the kids go, I am sure they are more needy during this time, they can feel the stress and the lack of devotion from their parents, so their natural behavior is to demand this attention, you have said this yourself. I do not believe that being away from them at this time is the best for them, maybe for you but not for them. As for school, might I suggest you read a few books by John Holt, How Children Learn, How Children Fail, to name a few. The books show how being in a school environment actually stunts learning, my children no longer attend a school for this reason. Look at all your kids have learned without being in "school" now they will be forced to learn things and they will begin to hate learning.

Love is a choice and you can love your husband forever but that does not mean you have to take his abuse. It sounds to me like he is feeling awefully sorry for himself and is using whatever method he wants to try to control and change the situation toward how he wants it to be. Like you said, life isnt a picnic for you either and he ought to get over himself. Maybe he needs a line drawn that you will NOT take this anymore and you need to stand firm. He will continue to push the line if you let him.

I had to walk away from an abusive relationship and it was my hope that he would love his family enough to want to work together to come to a solution where we could all be equally happy not just him or not just me. he chose not to change, he likes his freedom and I have accepted I have no control over his choices but I can control my own. I remain commited to being a stay at home single mom and I homeschool them so we really are together 24/7 but I want what is best for them and continue to be commited to them. I am still married because that was a life long commitment I made to God and until he chooses otherwise we will be. I do not believe he is replacable, and I would not show my children I choose to replace him. I continue to pray for him. Jumping into another relationship with another man is really not fair to the kids.

My ideals for life are not everyones but maybe some of my suggestions might be helpful. My prayers will be with you but you need to take a firm stand against abuse or he will continue to spiral down to depths you do not want to go to. You need to protect your children. Blessings and prayers

[deleted account]

Marriage may be a two way street but if your not both happy it's not worth keeping and it sounds like he wasn't contributing anyway. After violence has started it never stops! My advice: Get a lawyer and file for divorce. Put his stuff on the front lawn with a note not to come back and change the locks. Go away on a break with the kids for a few weeks and change your phone number so he can't contact you. Good Luck

Vickie - posted on 10/21/2010

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I hadn't read through all the comments before posting my other comment. Your husband reminds me of my ex boyfriend. I figured out he wanted to be with me because he wanted my money. He thought that because I came from a family with money that he would get to sit on his butt and be spoiled. Everything you have said reminds me of my ex. The only thing that solved it was to get rid of him. Now, that was different because we were not married and did not have kids, but it's the same idea. It sounds like your husband might have a personality disorder and he is not going to change without professional help. I would get your family together and tell them what has been happening so they can stnad behind you and get him out of the house. I do think you should try to keep the house since your dad bought it for YOU. He does not deserve the house. However, if it isn't safe for you to stay, you need to go and get him out later. Maybe call the police when things get a little heated. Call BEFORE he hits you. You really need to consult lawyer because there are many things he can do to you. For example, if you leave the house, he has more rights to it because you abandoned the house. The main point here is that you need professional help and support from your family. You need to get away from this guy if he will not seek help.

Vickie - posted on 10/21/2010

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I have to agree with Julie on this one. Marriage is for better or worse. However, I do think you need counseling. I would try to find a good marriage counselor. A third party can often help you see things you didn't see and can be an impartial mediator. The fact that your husband hit you is huge. I don't think you should put up with that at all. If your husband will not go see a therapist with you, go alone and ask them what they think. Personally, someone hitting me more than once would be a deal breaker. There is never an excuse for ongoing abuse, either mentally or physically. If you were fighting with him and it got really heated and he took a swing at you, and it only happened once, that is one thing. But if he is starting to hit you on a regular basis, he need help or he needs to go. Or, you need to go somewhere safe. Your kids should not witness their mom being hit.
I am also a stay at home mom who earns a little money training horses when my son is at kindergarten. I think it's important to keep part of you individuality, and normally I wouldn't say to keep your job even though it's part-time, but in this case I think it's important because you might need your own income if things don't work out.
I would try being super nice to your husband for 2 weeks. As hard as it might be try it. Make him nice dinners, be really sweet, make sure he feels spoiled. Then, when you are both calm, suggest counseling. If he refuses, go anyway because I think you need someone who can advise you on aregular basis for a little while. I hope your husband does go to counseling and you 2 can work things out! Good luck!!

Tanya - posted on 10/21/2010

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You have my support! You already know what the right thing to do is, so take the challenge. I am sure you will succeed, just get legal advice about protecting you, your children and your assets.

Tanya - posted on 10/21/2010

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One other thing and I am sorry to be so blunt, but look at all you have written, from the very beginning. It sounds like he doesn't LOVE or even LIKE you, you are supposed to be with someone who treats you as their equal, regardless of who earns more/works harder/longer or makes more money. Everything you do for your family is work and you do it out of love and you deserve to get that LOVE back. That is clearly not happening. You are supposed to be with your soul mate and best friend, the person who will support you always even if you are wrong, the person who will look at you and just smile because you make him smile by being you. Yes marriage is hard, stressfull, but it is not supposed to be this hard/stressful. You deserve better and so do the kids.

Tanya - posted on 10/21/2010

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Hiliani, I agree with Summer and those that tell you to leave. From what I have read, 'he wants his cake and to eat it too', He sounds very controlling.
Your children will learn the behaviour for their future relationships based on what they learn from yours.
There are studies to prove that children from abusive and violent families, inturn have or live in abusive and violent relationships them selves.
I say, Leave.... Talk to your family and his, expose him. Protect your self and the kids above all else, he is a grown man and can protect him self.
It will be tough, but if you hve your family support and you join some other help/support groups you will be OK.
Get legal advice, take out a restraining order and protection order for the kids and Kick his ass out.
he is obviously not happy and neither are you and the kids. It may just be the best thing for all. No one doubts you love him, but as they say 'if you love something, set it free'. Good luck.

Jami - posted on 10/21/2010

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I understand about you needing to talk this out. I also understand when you said you can't talk to your family because they will hate him. I was the same way. Everyone thought we had a great marriage and all pretences were kept up in front of others. There came a day, though, when he would verbally insult me in front of our friends. If this was just a matter of getting "financial woes" I would be all for doing everything you could to make the marriage work. But continual abuse of any kind is not going to magically disappear. If you are worried about the house, go get a restraining order against him. Force him to leave the house.

It sucks feeling like you have to live every day walking gently on eggshells... just to make it though another day with out all the drama. It sucks feeling like you have to keep it all inside and hide it from your family. But trust me, if you think you are hiding it all or that they don't suspect, you are most like disillusioning yourself. They will find out and the sooner the better, so that they can be there for you to support you.

If you are intent on trying all options despite the abuse, get the restraining order and tell him you will consider working things out after he completes an anger management program and then attends marriage counseling with you. (I also had made appts, but he would tell me that "such and such" was off limits to talk about in therapy... so it was futile.)

You are not alone and you are capable of doing this on your own. You sound like a beautiful intellegent women. The hardest part is taking the first step to free your life. I wish you luck.

Shannon - posted on 10/21/2010

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Hey , sorry to here the rough time you are going though but I if a man is not willing to change and to care for you in the right way and you have tried everything you can think of and he is not willing to make an effort then you need to start fresh, It takes to to tango and you can't do it with out a partner so I say if you are going to do everthing yourself anyway then you might as well be single doing it. I was in a bad realationship as well and hitting is unexceptible in any relationship and the kids see this and feel what you feel they may not know where your feeling are coming from and they will act out and children to can get stressed and that can cause other issues so for your kids sakes and your own you would be better off doing it on your own and it sounds like you have got a job you have the kids in daycare so it sounds like you are all set to start a new life and you are going with you gut instinct and that is never usually wrong.

Things happen in all our lives that we have no control over and It can he hard to make our choices but we as mothers have to protect our children no matter what the cost, We can pray and hope for the best but as we all know people change and you can only try to fix things and know you did all you can to make things better but if that person isn't willing to work together with you at least to can leave the relationship knowing you did all you could and go on to make a better life for you and your children. I hope you can start over fresh and I will pray for you and your children to be safea and find happiness again.

Catherine - posted on 10/21/2010

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Oh, and I also meant to mention that it seems very much like you are thrifty and could quite easily support you and your two kids, so you don't need to stay in this marriage for financial reasons, so there's no reason why you can't love him from afar, and keep you and your kids safe and healthy. You deserve to be treated with respect - fighting is one thing, abuse is another, and I don't think any marriage should tolerate being physically, emotionally, or psychologically hurt. I'm concerned for you kids. If you were single and decided to stay, I'd be sad and worried, but it's only you that's affected by your decision. With kids, your decision to go or stay affects the well being of your kids lives now, and for the very rest of their existence. If you have a daughter, would you support her in staying with someone who is hurting her? Do you want to be a role model to your kids that says that it's ok for your spouse to treat you this way on a regular basis? I'm not saying this just to you, but to some of the other mom's who have responded to your initial note stating you should stay because of your marriage - is their spouse hitting them too? Marriage should be 50/50??? Not always, sometimes the split isn't always even, but you do need to have your basic emotional needs met too, and it sounds like you aren't and haven't been for a long time - plus the violence is getting worse. It also sounds to me like you know you shouldn't be there, and my guess is that you are just looking for support to leave him - so you have my support.

Catherine - posted on 10/21/2010

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So, my opinion is that it shouldn't matter if you are married or not, or if you love him or not, or if whether or not he's stressed. Bottom line, he has no right to hit you, and I truly believe as a mother (and in your case it appears that you are the only emotional caregiver to those children), it's our responsibility to look out for what's best for the children. I don't think it's a healthy environment for your kids to be raised. There is no reason why you two can't work on your relationship during a separation of residence. It's not your responsibility to "help" him through his anger managment, it's his. If he doesn't like his behaviour and it is jeopardizing his relationship with his family, he'll decide to get help. He's the only one that can fix him - you can't do it for him. As for the daycare/school for your kids, I'm in full support of it. I too have a 2 year old and she's so intelligent that "playing" isn't enough for her - she needs the stimulation and learning to be challenged otherwise she acts out, from pure boredom. There are definitely some 2 year olds that do need just play time, but you know your kids best, so you do what you think is best for them.

And I agree with what a few others have said... He hit you - not once by accident but numerous times. He lost the right to his family (in my opinion) when he treated you that way. If he wants this marriage, he needs to do some MAJOR adjustments and fast. And I'm not talking an apology, I mean action. It sounds to me like things are escalating over time - PLEASE don't be one of those women who stay for love and end up a statistic who is in the ground. DON'T wait for the moment when he cripples you and then he raises those children and hurts them too. It may not happen like that, but really, do you want to wait to find out if it idoes? Get out when there's still safety to do so, and work on your marriage from a safe distance.

Some of the postings by people scare me a little - I would never jeopardize my health, safetly or that of my children -husband or not. Yes, marriage can be rough, but should never be violent!

Good luck, and keep us posted, we are here to support you and we'll continue to do it, whatever your decision.

Tina - posted on 10/21/2010

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It definitely sounds like a bad marriage. You're the only giver and he acts worse than a stranger would treat you.
It sounds one sided which can't possibly work . You're just taking his abuse and exposing the kids to it and that's not acceptable for you or them!!! I don't think you want to live feeling unloved by your husband forever. Life is too short for you to live like that. You should be and deserve to be happy!! Get counseling and out! It will be hard .I went through the same thing!! It's not fun.
But, I realized he was a habit and not the love of my life because of how he treated me. I really hope you get help soon!! Xoxoxo

Joyce - posted on 10/21/2010

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One thing about partners are, the man you dated is different from the man you married and vis-a-vis. Familiarity breeds contempt. You guys need to talk more on a no-shouting tone. I had a talk with my hubby yesternight and we are much better now and bear in might that DIVORCE is NO OPTION. Try to make it work, there is a ray of light coming from the other side of the tunnel. A little more patience my sister. Bless your heart.

Danyell - posted on 10/20/2010

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It seems to me that you know what you need to do. On that note. God would not choose someone that will abuse you physically or mentally. There is someone else that he has in mind for you. . . . Okay so you tell him to leave but he won't. Well you leave. Don't wait any longer. No one deserves being abused. Like you said you are strong and can make it on your own. It may be hard at first but you have 2 real good reasons to stay strong. Just remember that your kids sees everything and you don't want them to think abuse is alright. Most kids that see one parent abuse the other will either be abused from their partner or will abuse their partner. Wish you all the luck in the world.

Sally - posted on 10/20/2010

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Marriage is for better or worse and many problems can be worked out.
That said, THE SECOND HE HIT YOU IT IS OVER. GET OUT BEFORE HE SERIOUSLY HURTS YOU OR HURTS THE KIDS. While he is at work, pack up and find somewhere else to be. DO NOT tell him where you will be. Talk to an abuse councelor and get whatever help you need to get rid of him.
Good luck

Christie - posted on 10/20/2010

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If your husband is abusing you, no matter how you are behaving to "cause" the abuse, you need to put your foot down. Even if you don't call the police on him, you need to let him know you are serious about not being treated inappropriately ~ and leave yourself, with the kids - go to a safe house or something (or call the police when he acts out; either/or)...he will NOT get help unless forced to face his own issues...trust me when I say this as I have much experience in this area. The marriage CAN work, but you must be strong in your boundaries - nothing else is important until there is a relationship that is appropriate between the two of you ~ not the kids' school, not the financial differences, not what you miss buying or doing...the health of your relationship depends upon proper respect of one another and proper boundaries for what is appropriate.

[deleted account]

you were saying that a few times he has gotten so angery that he has hit you. no one should have to put up with that. you need to be safe in your home, and he is making it unsafe. how long before he starts hitting your kids too. if he can't see that his behviour is so wrong then you need to make a choice based on that, the way things are now your home is not a safe place to be.

Amanda - posted on 10/20/2010

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I take a stand at hitting, I would never allow my husband to hit me. As soon as he did, he would see my butt walking out the door with my daughter. If he hit you when you were pregnant and while you were at the hospital, I would not have gone home with him. Get a family member to allow you to stay with them and get a divorce. There is no reason for you to stay with a man who hits you. My advice is to leave until he take anger management classes and go through therapy. If he doesn't want too then get a divorce.

Tina - posted on 10/20/2010

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I believe a relationship can't be one-sided .I went through that before for my first marriage. I prayed constantly for it . He wasn't willing to change anything and was abusive too. I finally went to counseling. Have you tried that? If not, you should. Anyway, they told me they believed that he wasn't willing to make any kind of change or willing to treat me right, so, I ended up leaving. You don't deserve disrespect or abuse and your children won't benefit from it either. They don't deserve to see it happen .
Another thing, is , does your job pay you more than you're spending on the children's school and gas and eating out during the day? Does it really pay you to work? or would you be the same financially if you didn't work? Just a thought. ( unless you really like working)
Since he complained you were lazy, I would stop doing his laundry and cooking and let him see what a lazy wife would do!! Show him that he has it good and should appreciate you !!

[deleted account]

I know what you're going through, my suggestion is if he touches you or one of the kids, breaks something, hits something, anything... call the police. They will help you get him into anger management classes, so if you want it to work, your going to Have to force his hand. If you must, you can bring charges up to a year after an incident occurs. Don't put it off, he'll be mad at first, but that will work itself out too. He needs counseling.

[deleted account]

Hiliany, this post makes me so sad. I thought I was going to post a funny "join the club" reply because babies put a lot of stress on every relationship and I don't know a single married girlfriend of mine who doesn't want to strangle her husband every now and then. Putting the kids in day care for a while is a great idea and I think you'd see a huge change in yourself and your relationship. HOWEVER, while I couldn't read all the replies (LO hates to see me on the computer) I read enough to see that violence is a part of it and, for me, that would be a deal breaker. No one has the right to hit another person and I'm just glad to see that you are still confident and strong enough to see that you could do without him especially for the sake of your children and your own self-respect. Hope everything works out for the best, whatever that may be!

Liz

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