having marriage issues after having kids, your both not the same person. how do we get back our rela

Michelle - posted on 05/04/2010 ( 12 moms have responded )

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my husband and I have 2 kids and in the last 2 years have been so focused on our 2 young childrenw eve forgotten about ourselves. were not very loving or sexually interested anymore. what happened? how do we get it back?

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Carolee - posted on 05/04/2010

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Start "dating" again. Get a sitter that you trust, and go out and have a date night once a week. Talk about anything but the kids (okay... only OCCASIONALLY talk about the kids) when you're out. Every once in a while, send them to Grandma's (or somebody you trust) for the night and see what sparks you can get going.



Also, feeling beautiful for yourself will help. Confidence is the #1 thing that turns a man on. Good luck!

Ashley - posted on 05/31/2010

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I read a book when I was pregnant with my first. It stressed that it is hard to be a good parent if you are having problems with being a couple. It's advice was to have a date night every week. If doesn't have to be elaborate, it can be after the baby is asleep.

Something we discovered this weekend that was neat: Car rides. Baby was asleep in the backseat, and we drove home and talked and laughed the whole time. Today, we visited our neice in the hospital, left baby with the grandparents (neice is premature), and had the same experience. Just the 30 minute drive, and we were reminiscing about when we were dating. We felt like teenagers again!

Oh, and we started this when I was pregnant with my first: Reading at night. I know, it sounds boring. But we had a blast! We kept the tradition with our daughter, and she loves books, too. We pick books that are fiction (we need something funny at night because sometimes life is not so funny).

Also, we just put our computer in our bedroom. When we had the idea, my husband warned me that TVs and computers in the bedroom sometimes rob couples of their sex-life! Maybe consider taking out the media that's in there?

Also, our old pastor told the congregation one Sunday that if you want the love to come back, do the things that made you fall in love. This was a fun practice! I know it's going to sound super-stupid, but just humor me. I went to my friend's house, my hubby called from our house and we replayed one of our first dates. It was SOOO funny, put us in laughing moods, brought up a lot of things like what we liked about each other, what first attracted us to each other, etc. Maybe you could call him right as he's leaving work and "ask him out"?

I know it sounds juvenile, but I think that's a lot of the reason it works so well. But by the way, the pastor was talking more about doing things like, calling each other to see how you're doing, kissing, holding hands, complimenting each other.

Oh! Another idea! We did this when we first got married, and it was so fun! "Words of Encouragement". We tallied them on the fridge. When my husband came home, BEFORE we discussed anything important, we had to say three things good/encouraging about each other. It can be simple things like, I like the shirt you picked this morning, your butt looks good, thank you for dinner, etc.

I'm sorry this is so long, but I hope something in it helps!

[deleted account]

I was in your same boat. my husband and i both realized we were changing toward each other. we sat down and talked about how we were feeling. we both decided to leave the children with grandma and we went camping! it was the best time we had in years. and we realized that although our children are our number one priority we still need time for "us"

Kelli - posted on 05/05/2010

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My husband and I have been have been struggling with these issues too. I have a daughter from a previous relationship and for some reason things are not have been falling into place like in the movies. LOL!
Someone suggested we read together each night (or when possible). A great book, for 'you' that my husband I are reading now is called " The 10 Best Decisions a Couple Can Make", by Bill & Pam Farrell. It starts off kind of off slow and then you realize where they are going with the subject. It's written by taking turns with Bill and Pam , so you're not just reading 'a man's' or 'a woman's' point of view on a relationship. It really is great! And I'm not one to want to sit down and read with my husband, but it brings out humor and conversation and togetherness all while reading about strengthening your relationship with him :) I hope this helps and you run to a book store. LOL!!!!

Sherry - posted on 05/05/2010

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Hi Michelle, how are you doing? any luck so far coming up with ideas?

how about this one: try for a bit of a romantic night after munckin is down for the night (assuming he sleeps through the night) start prepping during the day... think about making a nice dinner with all the trimmings (pot roast?? are you lobster lovers? Have a few extra pennies for Shrimp coctails?) put on some romantic music (country or a CD of lovesongs are usually great) Pull out a few candles-- maybe even a bottle of massage oil (don't have any canola or olive oil works good too) give each other mutual massages (or maybe some oily frollic ) *PRETEND* your on a date-- at least to start...

You said your in a small town.. *giggles* girl your talkin to the be all and end all of small towns.. before long your going to know EVERYONE and EVERYONE is going to know you... Put up an add on the community bulliten board saying that your requesting the services of a responsible person who's capable of babysitting... then screan.. cuz you'll get every 13 year old and their dog looking to make a few extra bucks on your doorstep (at least this gives you the night-- and a chance to try out a sitter or two) You might even find a mom who has another young child around the age of yours who you can swap with at a later date... but alwasy keep an eye out for weirdos.. and ALWAYS check references

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Kristin - posted on 05/31/2010

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Dates, small intimacies, holding hands, a shoulder rub here and there, saying thank you to one another, being kind to each other, talking about your days, talking about life before kids, notes of all kinds (sweet somethings, sexy memories, wishes and hopes?).

It takes time and lots of small steps and the occasional plunge. But, most of all, it reopening the lines of communication between the two of you. Be open to intimacy, sexual or emotional. Tell him you love him and everything he helps you to do with your family.

Kelina - posted on 05/31/2010

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My husband and i went through something similar. We knew it was happening and didn't really know what to do about it so i made a committment to myself to odd as it may sound, have sex with my husband at least every second night. It really opened the door for us to talk and put love back into our relationship and soon it wasn't about just having sex it was about showing eachother how we felt and talking with eachother. It worked great. Good luck., i hope this helps!

Louise - posted on 05/05/2010

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You are not alone I am going through the very same thing with my husband. We have already raised two children and we decide to have another. Now she is here and loved to bits our relationship has collapsed and I am worrid that we have left it to late to rekindle our relationship. The sparkel has gone! We are at present working hard together to put it right. Fingers crossed for us both!

Kelli - posted on 05/05/2010

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P.S. (if you can do that on a post) :)
As far as bringing back the romance and attraction......it touches base with that all thoughout the book. And you don't have to read together if he's not up for it. It's still has awesome tools to help your relationship thrive.

Sherry - posted on 05/05/2010

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or talk to granparents and plan in advance... sometimes those are the best too... esentially make a date with grandma and grandpa so you can make a date with hubbie

Michelle - posted on 05/04/2010

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thx but we have no family close to us, Grandparents can only do it when its convient.

i do childcare at home so no one wants to watch my kids or swap lol. were in a small town where i dont really know too many people yet and my baby is just turing a year and hasnt been with anyone else?!

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