having problems with babysitters

Kimberly - posted on 05/17/2011 ( 24 moms have responded )

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my son is 8 months old now i feel i can start having just a few hours of freedom here and there. but i have this friend i thought she could help babysit since she is a mom too, but latley she has been telling me i dont watch my son close enough, she feels they need to be watched at all times so they dont get hurt, i feel a child will fall, they will get hurt its ok. they need to learn how to find there balance and things like that. i went to see her babysitter and she feels he is too old to nurse. and that i spoil my child cause i dont let him scream. ok i understand that is why he is sick he cant work that mucus out of his chest, and work those muscels. but when i got back home after hearing them tell me all the things i do wrong, i wanted to just give up be a stay at home mom, and find better friends that wont judge me. and all i want is a four hour break here and there with some one i like and some one my son likes. i have my husband who supports me in everything i am doing and my friend wendy who tells me every day what a great mom i am, i am so greatful for them. yes i spoil my child, with love and affection i give him baby massages, and i nurse to feed and comfert. i cuddle with him, and for 8 months its been me and him while troy works. but i just cant find any one who has the same opinions in the way i raise my child, that can babysit. what do i do, i want to just give up, but he does need social interations.

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Kimberly - posted on 05/20/2011

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sorry for that last comment i just started ranting lol. i just hate it when people say that i will end holding him till he is 6 or seven if i dont stop picking him up now. i couldnt believe it when i saw that post. lol

Belinda - posted on 05/17/2011

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Kimberly, I am so sorry for your situation, I really feel that your friend and her babysitter were inappropriate. I was in a slightly similar situation in that I could not ask family to babysit. Thankfully I can trust them all to look after her as I would, but they all live thousands of miles away, from New Zealand to South Africa to Austria (and half way across the US ). I searched for a long time until I found a home daycare provider that I trusted to look after my daughter with love and patience. I started out at a couple of hours at a time and she is now going one full day a week.

Try to be patient and hopefully there will be a daycare provider near you who will take drop in kiddos, (when I say drop in I mean once a week consistently, but not necessarily the same day so that your son will get to know them.) who you will be able to trust and will be able to give you all the support that you need to leave your child with a relative stranger for the first time.

I know you won't just leave your son with anyone without investigating and visiting. You will find someone out there who will meet your standards but it may take time.
Good Luck!

Michelle - posted on 05/17/2011

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Eight months is not too old to breast feed. My oldest breastfed for a year and my daughter for 15 months, the youngest is 5 months and still going. I usually let them go until they decide they're done and that's how it's worked out so far. It's definitely very good for them to do it for at least a year. Don't let people talk you out of breastfeeding. You're probably not going to find a sitter that will match you in every way but you can hopefully find a better match then what you've done so far. I leave my kids with my mom and my sister in law and brother (but not my sister). That's about it. They have child watch at my rec center and I try to find an hour or so a week to go work out and leave them there. If you're worried about social interactions you might do better with finding a play group. That way you're right there to supervise him in the way you see fit.

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Kimberly - posted on 05/20/2011

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the way i see it i am a strong mom that has every rescource not to let her kids become the back talkers, or the ones who get kicked out of school. and yes when i send him to a babysitter who watches a few kids i wont have them watch my kid if they cant follow my rules. but it is getting to the point where i have to find a job. and i will not sacrifice my childs up bringing for any thing.i know exactly how i want my child to come out as.

Crystal - posted on 05/20/2011

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Ok so I'm going to say this up front.. You will not like all I have to say and you don't have to lession to ANY of it.

I will agree with you that at 8 months he is not to old to breast feed. And that letting them fall some times is a good idea.

On the other hand if you walk your child and never let then cry it out they will get heavy. As my sister in law found this out sence her 5 yr old now throughs a fitt if he is not picked up and loved on all hours of the day and night.

It is a balance that if not learned early will wear YOU out. No so much your child but you. What happens when he gets older? That is a question you have to ask know.

If not at age 5, 10, and 15 it will get worse. I have watched this happen time and time again. It starts with he is only a baby and goes to he is only 1, only 3 only 8 and hitting others getting kicked out of school and using you. Watch some Maury. How do you think those kids started? It just don't show up out of the blue.

That being said it is your child. If you can't find a babysitter who will say yes mam to evevything, stay home yourself. As I told my sister in law when I have the child its my rules or find some one else. I will not hold YOUR child to different rules then mine own. And in that your friend is 100% right
What is she to tell her kids... Sorry you have to fallow my rules but this one does not because he means more then you? No way! And when you ask someone with kids to watch yours under differnt rules that is what you are saying.

Louise - posted on 05/19/2011

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kimberly your baby is not to old to breastfeed at all,if someone can breastfeed for a year then thats fab cause that is the guidelines.Maybe there just envious cause they didnt manage it.I have six children and one due in oct and i breastfed all of mine.Unfortunatly i only managed 4 months though as my kids were never full when i breastfed.The only thing i agree with is they do need watching at that age as yes they could hurt themselfs.Dont ever let any one tell you your doing things wrong as there is no certain way to bring uo your baby.Im sure your doing a fab job.As long as they are fed,watered,and have a clean bum and are not neglected then your fine.Your child can never grow up to say you never loved him/her cause you cuddle him/her .Theres no such thing as cuddling to much.

Christy - posted on 05/19/2011

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Until you are able to find a sitter you can trust, your husband should be trusted with the baby for a few hours while you have a Girls Night Out once in awhile. You do need a break. Unless he is working two jobs, your husband should be helping with baby's needs. He should be willing to play, bathe, feed solids or a bottle, and change diapers. He needs to know what the naptime and bedtime routine are. He should be involved in his baby's life as well. Otherwise he will not learn how to be a good dad.

Christy
mother of 4!

Kimberly - posted on 05/19/2011

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well for one i absalutly love the help you guys are giving, i would love nothing more than to have my son take a bottle, but he screams so bad at the idea of a bottle, i dont know what to do. i am starting to let him cry and that had him get rid of his stuffy nose. the doc just keeps telling me to use non medicated nasal spray it will go away. i have had five misscarries in my life, one was a tubular the hardest thing i have ever gone threw. landon is my mirical baby hence the reason i give him so much attention. i have no problems letting him learn to cry or when he gets stuck give him a few minutes to try to figure it out. but its a slow process for me, it took me some time to feel comfertable letting him cry, and fuss. its just been pretty much me and him, which i love now that its summer i find myself with so much more patiants for him, i can play with him more now that he can crawl, and he holds on to me so tight when i am gone, i love it. i stopped nursing for comfert cause oh my god it hurt lol. but yeah thats where i am coming from

Margaret - posted on 05/19/2011

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Sounds like there are a LOT of issues going on here simultaneously. The main topic here is that U want more alone time for yourself while someone watches your son, right? I get that, we ALL need a break away from our kids, it's perfectly normal to distance ourselves from them. However, I sense that U have a LOT of guilt for some reason (you cuddle your son, you nurse him for comfort, you don't let him cry too much), yet you say that it's ok for kids to learn how to learn when they are away from their parents while in the care of other adults. Are you contradicting yourself by communicating these 2 things? I'm not judging you, I'm just trying to understand what you're really saying. However, I have some suggestions to hopefully help you w/ leaving your son w/ someone whom you trust and who will NOT judge you for how you raise your son.
1. You wrote that your son gets sick and gets mucus. Did your pediatrician diagnose what the problem is? Did he/she give you any guidelines for your son's diet or sleep habits to help him?

2. Nursing him for comfort - this could give your son mixed signals. It's one thing to nurse him because he's HUNGRY and needs nourishment from you, but if you keep nursing him EVERY time he cries, he will NEVER let you wean him OFF of nursing as he gets closer to turning a year old, even older than that (if you plan on nursing him passed 1 year). Also, this age might be a perfect time to get him to take a bottle w/ your pumped milk and / or formula so that someone ELSE can feed him his main source of nutrition. You might also try a sippy cup w/ just water in it so that he gets used to feeding from something ELSE other than you. An 8-month-old baby is not too old to nurse, and if nursing him is important to you still, then maybe pumping and storing your milk for him (you can store milk in a freezer for UP to 6 mos) could work for you.

3. As far as finding a sitter, ask around in your community; ask your sister(s), cousin(s), neighbor(s), etc. for starters. Make sure that ANYONE who comes into your home to help U w/ your son respects YOU as his mother, first. Tell the candidate-for-hire what your son's schedule is, where his food is, bottles, diapers, wipes, etc. If you're dealing w/ babysitters who tell U how to raise your son, then they're not helping you. True friends who want to help you will say, "what's his schedule? When did he last eat? Is it ok if I give him baby food? Can I have him play w/ certain toys/games w/ me while he's in my care?" - a true friend will have YOUR son's interests as a priority, and will respect YOUR guidelines as HIS mother.

Overall, trust your instincts, trust yourself. A confident mother trusts herself and doesn't feel the need to question what she does nor how she gets her job done. I hope I didn't come off as judgmental, I'm only trying to help. I wouldn't want U to have your son coming to you at the age of 2 or 3 yrs old, constantly expecting YOU to comfort him and solve his problems. I get it that he's still SO little - however, make no mistake, kids know how to play us like a fiddle, and we can NOT underestimate them :) My husband and I make a point to NOT have our 2 girls try to get too spoiled or too used to certain comforts (except when they're sick, for example). We want them to grow up knowing that we're here for them, but that THEY have to learn things as they grow up. A true parent gives a child roots and wings, and a healthy, well-rounded child ALWAYS knows that he/she can rely on parents as a SOURCE for solving problems rather than the parents always saving a child from himself/herself.

If you bring a man w/ you to fish for ONE day, he eats just for that ONE day. If you SHOW that same man HOW to fish, he eats for life :)

Good luck, God bless...

Kimberly - posted on 05/18/2011

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i had my my first nights sleep last night i got him to sleep within 15 minutes, of letting him scream. i got him finaly in his own room and sleeping in his own crib. i am so happy. lol

Shastin - posted on 05/18/2011

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Sounds like you need to find a new babysitter. Get a list of licensed home daycares in your area and see if one will take your child hourly. You can also find a teenager that might be able to help especially with summer here.

Jane - posted on 05/18/2011

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stick w/the people who praise your parenting and leave the others by the wayside. the ones who praise you are the one who will lead you to someone who will work out. women should support other women. don't ever doubt yourself as a mother.

Kimberly - posted on 05/17/2011

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yeah thats why i went to go see these people to see how they are with my child. the one person who honestly did pretty much exactly as i did landon would not have it from the second we came into the house. he loves people and new places so this was way out of his ordinary in the first place. well in the mean time i just got him sleeping in his own crib in his own bed and got my first 5 and a half hour stretch of sleep before he woke up to eat and go back to bed for another4 hours. i couldnt go back to sleep i felt like a new person i have never gotten 5 and a half hours of consistant sleep before lol. i love my son so much, and he is so darn cute lol

Valerie - posted on 05/17/2011

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I dont know what that babysitter talking about to old to nurse. I breastfeed my eldest for 2 1/2 years and my boy just turned 1. You dont need negative people around you, you need to be surrounded by people that will uplift you. Have you tried the churches near by, I know that some churches offer hourly care.

Fortunately, I was more lucky in the sibling babysitter. My brother was wonderful with my kids. I know you might not need to hear this but sometimes its good for a baby to cry themselves to sleep. It teaches them not to be so dependent on you to fall asleep. Also I would have rather let my brother have my child cry then to get frustrated and do something stupid. So next time don't be to hard on him.

Why dont you try getting in touch with a playgroup. Those seem to help me in some aspect of things. I was able to relate to some of the mothers, have my girls play with the other kids and sit back and relax. Make the play date at a place that could benefit both you and your son.

Hope that helped a little..Good Luck

Elfrieda - posted on 05/17/2011

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Nothing like child-rearing to show the differences in people's opinions! Really, though, your friend is at one extreme (watch the baby at all times!) and the babysitter is at the other (an 8monthold is too old to nurse! Crying is good for them!). It's hard when you expect that because you both have kids you'll be able to sit for each other, but that's just not the case.

I would be going crazy if I'd spent every minute with my son for 8 months. I think you're doing well. Just keep talking to people at church, the park, and the grocery store, and look at how they are acting with their kids, and make friends with those who are sort of in line with your thinking. Hopefully you'll find moms with a similar parenting style soon!

[deleted account]

To me you are rising what will be a loving, sensitive, happy man! Thats the best kind there is!

Kimberly - posted on 05/17/2011

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and thats true my friend tells me all the time she never held her son near as much as i hold my own. they dont cuddle or sit by each other.

[deleted account]

He is your first! All first babies get held and spoiled. My oldest is still a big cuddle bug because of this! N oone can tell you how your child will act when he is older! lol that I'm sorry but I find funny. Hes a baby, its not like your treating him like a baby and he is 3 or 4! From what you have said your the same way i am! I wish i could hold baby #3 more, but sometimes he does cry because his sisters need me too, not because I like it or think he needs to do it on his own! haha craziness just pure craziness. Or maybe they are jealous they didnt get to spend as much time with their children with working or what not! Who knows!

Kimberly - posted on 05/17/2011

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i know. and yes my child is spoiled, but to me there is a good spoiled and a bad spoiled. and i do take peoples advice when i feel it is appropriate. i have been told by alot of people now, my child will run me over and bad mouth me when he gets older cause he is just that spoiled. i give up i have dropped friends and i feel bad i have one best friend that the rest of them i just cant get along with. i used to have so many friends but i realize i had them because i would go along with everything they said. i love giving my son all the attention he deserves and needs. every one who has met my son all say they have never seen such a content and happy baby, until they find out that i dont let him scream until he chokes, and i hold him so much, thats the biggest one is i hold him and play with him almost all day everyday. and have two hours of floor time on his own.

[deleted account]

Sounds kinda like my MIL! I left my oldest with her twice in 4 yrs. The second time she gave my daughter her sippy and the milk was bad (that was at the age of 1) and now my daughter who is 4 still wont drink milk. We just got her to drink soy milk for the first time a few weeks ago. Like I said no one will ever be as good as you, but gezzz some ppl just dont even try it seems like lol!

Kimberly - posted on 05/17/2011

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yes it does i mean i would love nothing more than to have family help me, but i left him with my brother once and never again. my mom had them all convinced that at 3 months my son was so spoiled. i left my son with my brother for one hour, i came back and he told me he screamed himself to sleep, i yelled at him so bad, he was hungry, he wanted to tell me oh he just wanted attention he needs to learn he is not going to get it all the time. so 5 months later i am trying to find some one who can help, and my son will not have anything to do with those people. he loves every one and new envirnments, but the people who are the best with him are at minimum a half hour away. and they are perfect he loves them and the people love him back, its just too far away lol. but i never realized how stressful it can be when your the one who feeds your child bathes him, put him down for naps, play with him. i dont feel he is a stressful baby by any means but it takes a tole. i mean for 8 months i ahve been the only one with him at all times, i feel he needs to be out more with other people that i am happy with and so is he.

[deleted account]

I have 1 babysitter that I really trust, and thats my Mom. She is the closest to what I want for my children. As this is not always available to everyone. Lay down the law. Its your child, you have your way of wanting him taken care of. No one is a better Mother for your child then you are. So if you feel that you are doing nothing wrong then you are fine. If you feel that they will not listen to you then I would find someone else. If you are in a church I would talk to the youth dir. or other Mothers and try to find someone who is well trusted in the church. If not then I would look online. Some daycares have babysitting services. They will send a babysitter to your house and you pay them. (this can be costly) Good luck! I hope this helps.

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