he cheated, now what?

Amanda - posted on 08/26/2010 ( 43 moms have responded )

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so i found some texts ( i was not snooping i was trying to text my phone to set it off) and found out my fiancee had a brief affair over the phone and email with someone cross country.... im lost and dont know what to do. he said he ended it well before i found anything but i dont know. I want to trust him, he is the love of my life but i think i need more time before we get married..... this is making me feel awful. help

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Erica - posted on 08/26/2010

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Honey I'm so sorry. My big question is if he ended it a while ago then why did he still have the texts on his phone? Did he show and remorse when explaining it all to you? Wanting to trust him and being able to trust him are 2 very different things. If your wedding is close I would call it off and let him know he has a lot of work to do if he wants to earn your trust again. I wouldn't make the man jump through hoops but continue with the relationship and see what happens. No woman should have to go through this (no man either).

My husband cheated on me when we were dating. But he came to me told me what he did was wrong begged me to for give him and promised to work hard for the rest of his life making it up to me. We've been married 3 years and I rarely think of that day because he has more than proven he loves me and that one night was a drunken mistake. I hope you two are able to work this out but do not settle if you cannot trust him any longer it isn't your fault it's his!

Sarah - posted on 08/26/2010

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Pre marital counseling is something that might really help. Having a third party to discuss this with makes it better. Hang in there, and ask God to show you what you should do. I experienced the same thing with my husband before we were married. It is so hurtful, but things can work out. If you want someone to talk to im here :)

Ghostdarlin - posted on 09/15/2010

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Definitely a mature decision and well thought out. I agree the nude pics are unacceptable but as someone said it isn't much different than porn(which is a personal decision and opinion matter based on your relationship and views). Sometimes it is the thrill-and I can tell you a lot of times stuff like that is sent and the person receiving it doesn't necessarily want it. A boy sent my daughter stuff like that and her BF had a fit-and he did it wanting reciprocated pics which she said no to of course, but it still caused a problem. Good luck-whatever will be, will be!

Ghostdarlin - posted on 09/14/2010

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First off, looking in your husband's or fiancées phone is not snooping IMHO. If they don't want you looking, then obviously they have something to hide. And I'm sorry, people consider email and over the phone and cybersex cheating when it isn't. There may be something lacking he is not happy with that he is seeking or he may not be ready as others say. When my husband had an affair I had to take responsibility for my part because it always involves BOTH parties in some way. Miscommunication, misunderstanding, lack of emotional, psychological or physical support. It can be any combination of these things. It doesn't mean you are wrong, he obviously doesn't have his heart where it should be which is a warning, so if you feel that he has done you wrong, delay a wedding. If you feel, deep down, that your not happy or he is not happy, do not make the mistake of thinking getting married will "fix" things because it won't. Not unless NOT being married is the source of the frustration.

And what you need to learn in some way is to forgive him once you find out why if you have it in you. Not so much for him, but for yourself to be able to move on the way you need to in life without the burden of anger weighing heavily on your soul. I have been with my husband 24 years this month-got with him at 16-we both had affairs-and we both had reasons why we did and now are more in love than ever. It isn't the be all and end all of a relationship if you both are willing to talk it out. And I am one person that can say being in both positions the saying "once a cheater, always a cheater" doesn't ring true with everyone.

Find out WHY he did it and go from there. But talk it out like adults and above all else, be honest and true to yourself.

Chrissy - posted on 09/03/2010

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my now hubby stated seeing some1 else wen i was 3 month preg and i found out the day after our babys 1st birthday (6 weeks before our wedding) the same way u did the text on his phone from him to her he cryed n begged in the end i loved hime he z he would never talk to her again and as far as i know he hasnt now 1 year later i still wanna know where he is i still look in his phone and flip out at him over silly things like not having the right amount of money on his phone some days i wish i had left him by now i would have found some1 else and been happy but other days im so happy and glad we r trying to sort things out we are due to have our next baby in 5 days i just hope he knows how luck he is and wish i could forget and forgive but i cant so i will just keep trying to put this behind us if he dose do it again i will run as fast as i can n never look back but with out giving him a second try i would never have moved on

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JANIS ANN - posted on 04/02/2015

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IF THE AFFAIR WAS BRIEF AND HE SAYS IT'S OVER, WELL, YOU KNOW HOW GUYS ARE, THEY SAY ANYTHING TO COVER THEIR ASS, THEY CANT KEEP THEIR COCKS IN THEIR PANTS TWO SECNDS, HOWEVER, IF YOU WANT SOLID EVIDENCE TO USE AGAINST THIS GIRL AND YOUR FIANCE, GO THROUGH HIS CAR, SEE IF THERE ARE ANY PAIRS OF PANIES WITH HAIRS IN THEM, SEE HOW WET AND SOILED THEY ARE, IF YOU FIND PANTIES, WEAR GLOVES AND BAG THEM, TAKE THEM AND HAVE THEM TESTED, CHECK YOUR BED FOR HAIRS OR CUM OR SEMEN

Gutierrezs023 - posted on 03/31/2015

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Once a cheater always a cheater , if he could find a person that he has contact with in person he will jump at it . I've been cheated on twice that I know of different girls and I stayed because of the kids . Biggest mistake it's not a way to live that will always be in the back of your head . You can try and forgive but trust me you will never forget . It will
Most likely come up at every argument and having no trust breaks the relationship trust me . Yea sure you will have a few good times but at the end of the night the doubt will kill you

Cecilia - posted on 09/18/2010

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As someone with the exact same situation, I have to say it is very hard to regain that trust once it's broken and that's why we are in christian marriage counseling, the story is he was chatting w this person on facebook through a poker game chat, ok he would stay up really late because this person lived on the other side of the world, i didn't think anything of him staying up but he'd alway had the computer with him, one day he asked me can you make me a yahoo email account i asked why? cuz he never uses email, i'd just gotten him a new cell phone because he broke his again, i didn't have to but i did, he got a call a few days later and it was 10 at night and he went downstairs and took the call which he never does, i asked him who was it, he said a friend of his from dallas, i said ok thats believeable, but right after i got on the computer he was using and found his history and asked who are these girls? he said i don't know another lie, ok then i got into his email account and found 40 messages of them chatting back n forth to each other though i couldn't see the ones he sent only the ones she sent him, then i lost it, i was done. He told me he was going to tell me but i don't believe that honestly. So with that said it's been over 6 months since that has happened and I still have a hard time trying to trust him but I have to let go of the past and not let it get to me I have to forgive and move on. You do what you feel is best for you, oh I also have a 2 year old son with him. So it's not as easy for me to just leave. hope that helps.

Amanda - posted on 09/15/2010

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thank you all for your advice. I dont think the saying "once a cheater, always a cheater really applies to him. I could be wrong and if I am I will be devastated but I feel he genuinely is remorseful. since I've known him (about 4 years now) I have never seen the man cry until now. we have talked and I sincerely believe he is trying. and for the people who say just because he wasn't sleeping with her it's not an affair... I'm sorry but she was sent him nude pictures of herself. after only about a day of talking to him which in any case i think is unacceptable. it happened, we are doing our best to move forward and we are going to pre-marital counseling. and in the coming months we will decide if we are indeed going to marry or if we are going to postpone the wedding further or call it off all together. I don't want to jump the gun and make an irrational decision.

Sindey - posted on 09/09/2010

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well at least he told the truth after u ask him i found out my husband did it when i was pregnant before we got married he is in the marine corp and he said that he needed to get a DNA test to the baby after she was born for the marines and whatever, we got married the day she was born and he never said anything else about the DNA went had to go to NCthe same day 15 hours after she was born and to iraq 2 days later, 6 months later he came back and he had to use my laptop to check his email and one day i try to go into my email and didn't notes that was his until i saw a folder with his exgrilfriends name in it i saw 3 emails from the time i was 4 months pregnant and she was the one that was asking him to ask me to get the DNA, I asking a few times and he said that he never saw that email before and that he never cheated on me but it was more than just one email and he send a couple to her too but he never told me the true, i love him with all my heart and i really cant see my life away from him anymore but 6 months later is still hard for me to trust him and to get my selfsteam again and i always been so secure about us but there are still nitghs that i go to sleep and cry because i dont understand the lie or the cheating if i have been with him throu so much and we even had the baby because he asked me to have a baby and we where engage 2 1/2 year before all of this!!! so thank him for been honest after you ask him and dont take the step until you are sure you can put everything begin and that u both are going to be happy!!!

Michelle - posted on 09/09/2010

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I would never be able to trust him again. It would always be in the back of my mind is he meeting someone online, somewhere else, etc. Once a cheater always a cheater and of course he will probably show remorse. He got caught. You are the one who brought it up not him. There is also no excuse for cheating. Either he wants to be with only you (monogamy) or he doesn't. If you are okay with him texting, emailing, meeting up, or whatever with others and it's agreed that it's okay in the relationship then fine, but if not then you need to decide how much you can trust him.



There are other guys out there who would love you for you and not give lip service to loving you while cheating with you. And no cheating doesn't normally happen with normal guys in healthy relationships. But really for me it would be trust. Cheating for me is one of those unwritten rules in a relationship and once broken couldn't be fixed for me because they broke my trust in a big way.



But do what's right for you and really think about what's important to you in a relationship. Good luck.

Alice - posted on 09/09/2010

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Your lucky he ended it before you got married. My husband has been cheated on me after we got married. He used to be discreet about it but now he seems to think it's normal to do it out in the open. Not with just one woman there have been dozens. I'm still with him just hanging on for the sake of the kids.

Carol - posted on 09/09/2010

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Honey it doesn't matter if he is the love of your life trust me once a cheater always a cheater, I know it happened to me when I was married to my first ex-husband he not only cheated on me he cheated on his 2nd wife and I know that for a fact cause I was the one he was cheating with (I didn't know that the day after our divorce was finalized he got married again) and I happen to be good friends with his 3rd wife because of his and my daughter and he's been cheating on her and neither she nor I gave him a reason to cheat on us that is just the type of man he is. So if I were you I would sit down by yourself and make a list of the pros and cons of your fiance and if the cons out weigh the pros tell him to hit the road and never come back and if you are living together as soon as he leaves get the locks on your doors changed or better yet change the locks pack up his bags and leave them out on the front step it won't get any better.

Kristi - posted on 09/08/2010

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You know, if you aren't married yet, I wouldn't go there in a hurry. He has apparently damaged your trust, and regardless of the details, you can't ever really get that back. It's a hard decision that only you can decide for sure. Good luck. I think you are smart to take time to think it over.

Tawnee - posted on 09/08/2010

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My husband has many female friends that he talks to all the time. Some of them take it the wrong way and think that he is intrested in something other than friendship. I do not know what the texts said so I cant tell you if this is the same kind of thing or not. Try to talk to him about it and let him know your fears. But, in my opinion, if he is comming home to you every night, and not stepping out on you, then talking to some girl on the phone is not that big of a deal. (But that is just my opinion).

Glo - posted on 09/08/2010

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While I am not condoning what he did, I have a hard time calling it an affair if it was just over the phone or thru email. There was no actual touching. It's no worse then watching a porno flick or calling a 976 number! It sounds more like you are not sure about getting married and are looking for excuses to postpone it.

Christy - posted on 09/06/2010

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If he is doing anything like this before you are married,imagine what it will be like once you are married. You deserve better than this. Get out now while you have time. Don't waste your life.

Jennifer - posted on 09/04/2010

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You should take a few days away from him to be by yourself and think about what you want to do about the situation, there are a lot of tough questions you have to ask yourself; can you really still trust him? how do you know he wont do it again? how do you know he really ended it? Just be certain about your decision you dont want to make a mistake. And tell him exactly how you feel and what your thinking, dont bottle anything up or you'll continue to think about it for a long time

Svetlana - posted on 09/04/2010

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Dr. Laura's advice is if he cheated on you while dating you, do not marry him. You might be setting yourself up for more heartbreak later on, what is he going to do if you were pregnant? A lot of men cheat then, I'm so sorry you have to go through this, God Bless!!

Carina - posted on 09/03/2010

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I did that. I "talked" to the other girl very calmly and she lied to me straight to my face because she didn't want to cause more problems for my husband. She was worried he would get mad at her and end it. people slip for whatever reason, some habitual some not. We tried to make it work, but I could never trust him again. Sorry your experiencing this. I know it is hurtful to say the least. Whatever you decide I hope things turn out the best for you and you have some REALLY good friends around.

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I agree w/Michelle, talk to the other girl in a civilized way to find out what her side is. He may be lying to her too.

Michelle - posted on 09/02/2010

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I would try to talk to this girl to get her side of the story. I believe that when someone cheats once, it's likely that they will do it again, but there is always an exception to the rule. Still, talking to this girl will give you more of an idea of where he was emotionally at the time. Like, did he tell her that he was married? Was it a one night thing? Stuff like that. It may be too painful for you to do, but it's an idea.

Carisa - posted on 09/02/2010

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I think premarital counseling is a good idea for all couples, even those who don't think they have any problems. In my church (I'm Catholic), you have to have mandatory marriage prep classes to get married. It's good that you found out before hand so you can deal with the issue. Good luck with everything.

Jill - posted on 09/01/2010

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All you need to tell your mom is that you've decided as a couple it would be wise for you to do some premarital counseling with your pastor....all the couples are doing that these days! Also, I recommend a book called the "5 Love Languages". There's a workbook that goes with it. My husband and I went through that together prior to marrying. It's VERY helpful to newleyweds, no matter how long you've been dating!!!! I'm proud of you for being proactive! It will go a long way in your marriage. Your pastor needs to know the whole truth as you visit him. Make your fiance tell the pastor what he's done, and wait for your pastor to respond. It's important for him to own up to his betrayal to someone he respects other than yourself. The bible says in Ephesians 5 "1Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children 2and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.

3But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people. 4Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving. 5For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person—such a man is an idolater—has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God.[a] 6Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of such things God's wrath comes on those who are disobedient. 7Therefore do not be partners with them.

8For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light 9(for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) 10and find out what pleases the Lord. 11Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. 12For it is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. 13But everything exposed by the light becomes visible, 14for it is light that makes everything visible. This is why it is said:
"Wake up, O sleeper,
rise from the dead,
and Christ will shine on you."

15Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, 16making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. 17Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is. 18Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit. 19Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, 20always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.

21Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.



I hope your fiance and you both are followers of Jesus Christ. If you aren't, that is your first matter of hand with your pastor. Nothing is more important than that! Again, I am very proud of you for seeking wisdom during this trying time. But I believe God meant for you to see those texts so that this could all "be brought in to the light" so that it would have no hold on him or on you in your future together. And just from what you've told me, I DO BELIEVE there is a future for the two of you. Know this, many wonderful, loving, devoted husbands have cheated at a weak moment in their marriages. It happens all the time. What's important is what happens after the cheating has happened, within the confines of your relationship to each other and to the Lord, that will heal the pain, regain the trust, and successfully move the two of you forward being much wiser and more loving than before. God Bless you both. Sincerely, Jill

Amanda - posted on 09/01/2010

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thank you jill, all prayers are greatly appreciated... I think we may go to the church pastor the only problem is my mom works there and she would find out.. so we have to do this carefully.

Jill - posted on 08/31/2010

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It's good that he's showing remorse. Go to your church pastor where you were planning to be married, and do some counseling with him. Another option is Family Life Weekend to Remember (on line). My husband and I did this prior to marrying, and it's not only very helpful at opening communication, it's a lot of fun! (My husband's words!) It's VERY IMPORTANT for you to get a third party opinion of a professional...not a friend and especially not a family member. They will take sides and will be more hurtful to your relationship than anything. I'm praying for you.

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Give him one more chance. Try to trust him again. Trust is something you have to have in a marriage. If it happens again, then you know the marriage won't work. Get in church & pray as a family.

Amanda - posted on 08/30/2010

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The wedding has been pushed back, not totally postponed, he answers questions about it anytime I ask.I have never had a doubt about him or his actions before this. my girlfriends are jealous. other than this he is very good to me, comes home every night etc. he really isn't the a typical cheater.... I really was shocked to see another girl texting him... I am going to try to work this out, we do love each other and we have a son and I think he realizes how stupid he was so im trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. thank you for all of the advice

Corinne - posted on 08/29/2010

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I am so sorry honey. I, personally, would have a very hard time trusting him again. I don't understand why he kept the messages if it was all over? I would be taking a break to get my head together and decide if this marriage was what I really wanted. I wasted 5 yrs with my ex, he cheated constantly and when I eventually told him to leave, he cried buckets and begged me for another chance. Luckily for me I held my ground and I'm now happily married with two gorgeous kids. Only you can decide which way to go. Good luck, :) x

Crystal - posted on 08/29/2010

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most men are the same, you sould delay the wedding and work things out before you marry him, he kept the messages for a reason im sorry so he needs to earn his trust back and prove your the only woman in his life, if it dosent feel right dont do it, you shouldn have to feel aweful and wondering if he is chaeting again for the rest of your life

Helen Katrina - posted on 08/29/2010

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well its the matter of if you can trust him or not, my partner has trust issues with me due some stupid decisions on my part, but we have chosen to work on things and it has made us stronger by doing so.

Shannon - posted on 08/29/2010

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Not to take a side or anything because no one deserves to go through that kind of pain! BUT you need to look at the facts for 1. It was only an emotional affair and it was brief! He didnt have sex with the other party! 2., He feels remorse. I dont know your entire situation but I know exactly what your going through! You need to ask him if he is "sad" that he got caught or sad that he got caught and had to end the affair? There are many things to look at when you in a situation like this! Being OPEN and HONEST with each other about your feelings and every aspect of your life is KEY. Communication is a major KEY! A counselor may or may not help...75% of all couples that experience infidility in a "marriage" type relationship all end in divorce with in a year down the road...

The most important thing you can hae him do right now is end all contact with the other person! delete all phone numbers, amail addresses and any conections they may have online like facebook for example. Then "BOTH" of you need to focus on each other. obviously he thought something was missing for him to talk to someone else like that... Its NOT your fault! but the both of you need to figure out why it happened and then move on from that and focus on each other and make sure something like that never happens again.

I'm sorry your going through what your going through! I see and understand both side of the spectrum! read how to survive an affair. that book has helped me tremendously!

good luck

Steffanie - posted on 08/28/2010

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If you have a child/children, you need to really think about what you want to do. I would seriously get couple's counseling, and delay the marriage until your sure he wont cheat on you again,,,, ever. It isn't about just you are him, if you have children together, it is about them, and creating the best environment for them.

Sometimes, cheating can bring up issues that need to be aired, and help the lines of communication. That is only if he is being straight with you, and really wants this relationship to work, If he has a habit of cheating, manipulating, and lying. Than don't waste your time trying to work the relationship out, because it is a waste of your time. What I mean is, if you had the feeling he was cheating on you, but he lies, acts like your crazy for not trusting him, or is constantly going out after work instead of coming home to you and your children... Than I would think twice about bothering to go through the heartache and sadness of staying with a loser like that. Been there done that, and it's not worth the stress you will have always wondering where your man is, or who he is doing, and eventually you will have a nervous breakdown.

If this was a one time thing, and he feels horrible about it, and is doing everything to make amends, than I would try to work things out. Always remember actions speak louder than words. Make sure he isn't lying to you, even if you have to check his cell phone. He is the one that cheated, and as far as I am concerned his privacy goes out the door once he decided to cheat. Maybe he was scared about his feelings for you, the commitment he was about to make, or just the whole family issue freaked him, and he did something stupid. I am not making excuses for his behavior, being on the receiving end of being cheated on, it hurts, and is a total betrayal of your relationship. I do know someone that this happened to, they were about to get married and the guy freaked, with some counseling, they were able to put their relationship back together...

My deepest sympathy for you, that your going through something so horrible, I hope that things work out for the betterment of your family. I hope he is genuine and seriously wants to work thing out, and you have a picturesque wedding of your dreams. I know finding out your significant other betrayed you is hard. If it doesn't work out, protect your and your children's interest.... God be with you, and I hope things work out.

Jeffe' - posted on 08/27/2010

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I know your situation. I was at home with my daughter (7months then) my fiance cheated on my. I was so hurt and felt betrayed BUT leaving him never crossed my mind. He was very wrong in what he did. When he met me at the door and heard our daughter breathing in the monitor he broke down and knew his mistake. If i turned to anyone they would of all told me to leave. I turned to God. He helped me understand that my fiance needed me. Through God, He gave me the strength I needed to be strong for both of us. We went to counseling and learned how to talk to each other. 8 months after that we got married and are very happy. We are not perfect but with God helping us we will make it through it all. Please know that leaving will tear you both apart. Stay strong and if you want to talk privately you can message me. You will be in my prayers and I hope for the absolute best for you!

Fiona - posted on 08/27/2010

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i know exacty how u feel, my hubby did the same thing a few yrs ago (aus - canada) it is so hard n it takes awhile to trust again, only u in ur heart knows wat it the best thing to do, n as for the trust thing u will eventually build most of it back, there is still only bout 10% trust that he still has to get back......n i will also say that u will prob always wonder deep down if he is going to do it again. i hope it all works out for u n remember its wat is best for u......don't feel awful as this is not ur fault xxx (hope this makes sense as its hard to c wat im writing in such a sml box lol )

Amanda - posted on 08/27/2010

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and as far as I know this girl lives cross country and she was the one sending him pictures. so unless he has another phone i dont know about... he's clean.

Amanda - posted on 08/27/2010

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so far he has blocked her as i asked him to do and i looked at his phone yesterday and there is no trace of her... we are going to try counsling but i told him this IS his ONLY chance so if he wants us around ot be wise. i told him we are pushing the wedding back and all... all of your advice helps. thanks you.

Nicole - posted on 08/26/2010

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my ex cried and was remorseful too or so he said...but i dont think he is now as he has slept wiht 21 more women according to a mutual friend, and gets sex from 3 different girls three times a week.

go back on his phone look at the dates sent and received....

Nicole - posted on 08/26/2010

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almost 4 years i wasted with a cheater. its not worth it. you need to follow that girl instinct of yours.

my instint told me ..he is up tosomething he is at a girls house staying the night lan party my AZZ. turns out i was right . told me this girl was nothign more then a friend and there were other people there as well... deep down i was suspicious deep down i knew he was lying i could just tell. but i wanted to be the good girlfriend i could possibly be and not accuse wiht out hard fact...i found my hard fact in the way he treated his phone after awhile and after how he started locking the computer up when he left for the bathroom and i was still around.
later on he tells me he decided to take a trip to michigan...he didnt need to say a word other then he was leaving and deep down i knew it was to cheat again. but because i could not prove it i decided to trust once again...then i found the evidence i needed.
needless to say listen to your womanly instincts. if you feel somethign is out of place...snoop get those answers get them confirm or ask him behavior should be enough.
frankly maybe its because i have become hardened on that matter. i would leave him. i forgave the fist time but each time that wore on was enough to make me leave and for good. while he was with me he had slept wiht over 10 other girls ranging from 14 - 42 and he is 22 yrs old. 2 of the girls were my friends. needless to say i have nothing to do with the three of them anymore. sadly i knoly knew of 3 incidences then he cam clean when i was leaving him and found some one eles and tried purposing to me to keep me around...not to mention he did this at a funeral for some one i really cared for.

make your best judgement. its up to you if you want to forgive or not.

Amanda - posted on 08/26/2010

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thank you all, he did show remorse... he cried when we talked about it, even got sick but now they doubt is in the back of my mind. I did tell him that we are putting off the wedding atleast a couple of months, I told him im still way to hurt and that this disaster is proff he might not be ready.... I just dont know how to handle this, I completely trusted him, he knew this was my nightmare... and now he tells me his is me leaving him... i just dont know

Laurie - posted on 08/26/2010

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This is so sad for you I'm sure, but it is much better that you found out now than after you were married! Like the previous post, I would suggest that you delay the wedding and really see what this man's faithfulness is made of! Marriage has to be built upon trust and honesty; he needs to prove to you that he can be trusted to uphold marriage commitments and that his word will be trustworthy. Take all the time that YOU need and that you believe that he needs, to prove he is what he needs to be to be a husband and father. Engagement should be considered to be as committed as marriage....he needs to understand that.

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