Help!! My Fiances 11 year old daughter is out of control

Gabriela - posted on 08/20/2011 ( 5 moms have responded )

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Can anyone give me ideas about how to handle issues with my fiances daughter? I have been with my fiance for 3 years and have raised my 10 year old son with his 11 year old daughter. We moved in together after 1 year of dating and since then my whole world has changed. I love my new family! I know blended families are hard but, OMG has this been a struggle. Im having issues with her stealing from school, post its, markers, dry erase markers. Lying and lying a whole lot about everything. She also has an issue with soiling herself and hiding it under the bed, in the dresser and all over the room. She just started her cycle and wont wear a pad and she bleeds allover herself and clothes. To top it off if she does wear a pad she will wear it for 4 days in a row including dirty underwear. The cheery on top is she has hit me more than once, three times total. My fiance is 40 and I am 29 , I work full time and good to night classes and take care of the children. I taken her to therapy , I have had long talks short talks. It has escalated to the point when she balled her fist up she got in my face after I asked her to clean her mess up and I grabbed her wrists when she came towards me thinking she would hit and yelled at her to get out of my face and go in her room. She called her mom and told her I beat her and locked her in the closet and the police showed up and I was so embarrassed she admitted lying to the police. ................. I am really at a point where I don't want to marry until we have this under control. I don't understand why she is treating me this way. Her mother ran off with another man and left her with her dad, the man her mother left with molested her. I am positive it has a lot to do with this. I take her to church as much as I can . Lord only knows how our family can heal. Please share your advice. Thank you

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User - posted on 04/09/2012

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I feel your pain. She is ODD and probably PTSDisorder. sounds like my grandchild. We ourselves are seeking a residental facility to place her. She difys all rules, lies, steals and deceives everyone. Master manipulator etc.

It is distroying our family. I do not think this is healthy for your child. Being around this child.

If you hear of any places let me know.

Grandmother in crisis. Praying for you and your family.phenson34@aol.com

Speakwithkatherine - posted on 08/22/2011

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Can totally relate to you. My husbands daughter made my life living hell as well. Was lucky as she only lived with us at various stages and is now 18 so not with us!!! Best advice I can give is therapy and get your finance on your side to see what she is doing. Took my hubby 3 years to admitt what a b...... his daughter is. Once you are dealing with it together makes it easier. Sounds like she has been through hell and proberly feels like her mum doesnt want her and would be scared her dad doesnt eit. Maybe in some way she might think you might hurt her in some way like her stepdad. She and you and your finance all need counselling. Maybe put wedding on hold if you feel like it would make things worse. Soiling issue sounds like a cry for help. You can't deal with this by yourself,no one could. Get help. your doc can recommed free counselling. Hang in there she will move out one day!!! And make sure yoy have support from your finance. Best of luck hugs x

Tara - posted on 08/21/2011

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I agree with Michelle on getting her Dad involved. She probably feels like he is abandoning her in a way if he is leaving all the discipline to you.

As for what she is doing - if she was molested it is almost definitely down to a combination of that and her anger/hurt towards her birth parents. I would get her into therapy/counseling immediately regarding the molestation. A good therapist/counselor will be able to deal with the anger/acting out while helping with the underlying issues from the molestation.

I can tell you from personal experience that molestation/rape can leave you feeling dirty all the way down to your core. That may be where her hygiene habits are reflecting how she feels inside.

Please talk to your fiance about your concerns, get him on board with the therapy and counseling and get him to pay attention to his daughter. All of these things need to be in place before this girl can start to heal.

I do agree that you may want to hold off on the marriage until things are under control because that may just add to your difficulties (she may act out in anger because you and her Dad are happy and she is not).

Michelle - posted on 08/20/2011

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My first though is what is her Dad doing about all this? If he is leaving all the disipline up to you she may be feeling like both her parents don't want her. First her Mum leaves now her Dad isn't involved.
Have you sat down with your partner and discussed it? You both need to be on the same page and be consistant.

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