help...please

Samantha - posted on 09/07/2013 ( 9 moms have responded )

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Tonight my husband told me something I had been trying to deny for a while; he no longer finds me physically attractive. He has been progressively more distant and less physical. No more little signs of affection like holding my hand or touching my face or putting his hand on my leg. We got married march of this year, and I gave birth to our daughter Nevaeh exactly 4 months later. We had only known eachother for a couple months before I found out I was pregnant and we got married when I had just turned 6 months. Now we have been together for a year and things are so...different. he used to smile a special smile at me. .. haven't seen it for so long I've almost forgotten what it looks line. It used to be 3 days without sex was unthinkable. Now only 3 days is not too bad. I've tried everything I can think of. Read books like love and respect and his needs her needs. I tried to have sex more often, do things I know he likes. But it isn't getting better. In fact is getting worse. To the point he told me he no longer finds me attractive sexually. He used to say things like if the house was clean or dinner was on the table when he got home, then it would be better. Well? Done and done. No chanfe for the better. I'm a new mom, new wife, still quite young and going to college full time. Im not sure what to do. I love my husband. I would do anything for him. And I gave my weeks to him, my family and God on our wedding day and I intend to keep it. I guess I'm just afraid despite his verbal reassurances, he is going to look to have his needs filled elsewhere and leave us. I put on some with Navi, trying to lose it and have a good stay but I'm not close to skinny again. He says if I put makeup on everyday and lost weight and was confident like a beautiful woman he wound be attractive. But how can I be "confident" when I know he is not attracted to me at all? When I see the girls he looks at whom I do not even slightly resemble. Heck, I even dyed my hair blonde because he likes blondes normally. I just do jot know what to do. I mean the last 3 things he told me, (clean house, dinner on the table, and blonde hair), didnt fix anything. Will makeup and continued weight loss? I just don't know any more. Im so confused and discouraged. Hurt doesnt even begin to cover it.

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Mrs. - posted on 09/10/2013

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Its healthy that this is happening, I feel like I'm jealous because you both believe in God. I pray with everything that I am that my husband would believe. but... I am happy that you are going through what you are going through, because you will learn. just do not give up. love isn't a feeling. Love is work.

♥ Elsie

Mrs. - posted on 09/10/2013

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I went through the exact same thing, Word for word. It is seriously devastating, but you have to be happy that the elephant in the room has a name now. I continued to fight with my husband, cry, find any reason I could just to get something out of him. He would just be an emotionless, being in our house who smiled at everyone but me, talked to everyone but me, gave advice to everyone but me. After months of just being depressed we went on a 6 hour trip to a different town and back. On our way home he just said it, he just said he wasn't attracted to me anymore like it was the most simple thing in the world to say. and it broke me. it was like a bad hang over, but worse. but I promised not to get upset, so we talked it out. it has been a year since that day, but we have gotten over it. And the best advice I have for you, is: Smile like it doesn't bother you, even when he doesn't smile back. Laugh and try to make him laugh, even if he doesn't think its funny. Treat him like the best husband in the world, even if he is not. and look nice for your self to build your confidence. A lot of what you are feeling and what I felt has to do with post pardum depression. Its a new insecurity. This insecurity told me that I wasn't as pretty as I was before the baby and before our marriage. that I wasn't as fun or skinny. Don't believe it, fight it, be confident in yourself and be happy in yourself. Do it for you, because he wont change if you don't. And do not let go of your marriage until he asks for the divorce, and if he does fight like hell to go to counseling. the love you both felt for each other is real, the honeymoon phase is over now and this is the first hard part. This is where most new marriages end. Give it time and I promise that this all will pass.

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Lisse - posted on 09/13/2013

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oh man sorry to hear this. my husband and i have both gone through similar things over the past few years, we've been together for six years and we're rather young too (i'm 22 and he's 24.) anyway, we just had our son at the end of May and I can easily say that I will never go back to being a size 0 again. anyway, in our case we've always made sure to keep each other motivated to be healthy both in nutrition and exercise. we've always told each other that we would let the other one know if either of us we're getting a bit, for lack of better words, "sloppy." being honest in our marriage and supporting each other to be healthy and stay in shape is what keeps it together for us.

i know its hard to be confident when all you're hearing is negativity but confidence really is the sexiest thing you can wear, no matter what you look like!

marriage is a two way street though hun, he needs to work just as hard as you in order for things to be running smoothly.

Wonder - posted on 09/13/2013

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I think he needs his head readjusted. I would have a hard time being with someone who said that after I carried his child! It's very immature and not realistic. Hopefully he will grow older and wiser but I think I would suggest marriage counseling. He needs to hear from someone else that he is being shallow and not supportive.

Gold - posted on 09/12/2013

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sort of that same thing is happening with me as well but i just hope it will get fine by the time and i will try my best to do so

Samantha - posted on 09/10/2013

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Elsie:
Thank you. I do not believe in divorce so I appreciate advice that doesn't say give up or I'm doomed heh.
Miguel and I talked about it. He says a lot of the problem is him. He is no longer toned and hard like he used to be and HE feels self conscious about that. And a lot of it is that he is stressed about losing his job. He told me that he wants to work out together since we both want to be in better shapes not just for eachother but for ourselves. He also said he wanted to go through a marriage book called his needs her needs and reread love and respect because he loves me and our baby. Thank you for the encouragement. My self esteem is low now to be honest, but im working on building it up. But in the end we are both good natured people with a good relationship with God so we talked and prayed and admitted we needed to grow and learn more. As long as we continue that, there is no reason our marriage should fail, as hasty as it msy have been. We both knew like we knew there was a god that the other was the person we were supposed to go through life with. We just have to keep it in mind come adversity.
Thank you Jennifer. You're right. I need to do it for myself rather than him. And I DO want to get back in shape. I can do it...

Jennifer - posted on 09/10/2013

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Don't change who you are for him. Do it because you want to better yourself. I was huge after I had my son but I knew if i wanted to feel better than I would have to lose weight for myself. I started by making simple diet changes. And eventuall excercising. Do things to make yourself feel better and regain you confidence. It sounds like your husband is brutally honest which most men are if you think about it. I hope things get better. And don't let anybody else make up your mind on how you feel about yourself.

Michelle - posted on 09/07/2013

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I'm sorry but your husband should love you no matter what. I have put on weight since I met my husband and had another child (my 3rd) and he still says I'm sexy.
Reading what you have written I think you rushed too fast into getting married. Nothing you do will make him find you attractive again. He just keeps giving you excuses. It may be time to have a good heart to heart and ask each other if you are going to give your marriage a good go or go your separate ways. Try marriage counseling so he can decide what he really wants.

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