Help w/hubby. I feel emotionally abused and depressed....Please help

Jessica - posted on 12/26/2009 ( 65 moms have responded )

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My name is Jessica. I am currently 25.2 weeks pregnant. I stay at home clean, cook, and take care of my step daughter everyday. My hubby is having a problem with how our money is not being saved at all. It was just Christmas time and a lot was bought for my step daughter, that I went to get becuase he had no time. Other than that I do not spend anymoney. He buys cigs, gas, food, drinks, and more every single day. He blames me for the reason we can't save because I send out the bills such as mortgage, phones, electric, ect. and I watch the account and make sure we don't over draft or over spend and set out our budget. But because I don't have a job he takes it out on me. I am hearing a lot now that I am the cause of our money problems when I stay home all day. I am a good wife and a good mother and he doesnt' see what I go threw or what I do everyday. He says " you have no idea how good you have it made". He tells me all the time and runs me down to where I feel like scum because I don't have a job but It's because I am busy taking care of the house, 2 year old, and growing a baby inside me. I quit college for him and now I'm stuck in this mess. I don't know what to do. I am 25 weeks pregnant and want to get away from him but I don't want to hurt our child like I see my step daughter hurt. I am so lost and confused on what to do. Please help with any advice. Thanks Jessica!!! Please if you want to talk with me personally about this for extra help please feel free to message me.

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Courtney - posted on 12/30/2009

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Ok.. first off, do what I did.. tell him if he aint happy with how I run the ship, to jump off and swim for it. Secondly, tell him that if he's not happy with how you budget and keep him from living with no electricity, gas, water, and roof over head, to take the stupid check book and do it himself. Also, back up off all that house work and when he complains of its being dirty, tell him to clean it and realize that it doesn't clean itself. When he comes home from work, take a book, curl up on the sofa or the bed and tell him that if you have it made so much and you do nothing, etc etc and what you do isn't hard.. Tell him do the bills, clean the house, take care of your child, and tend to all the phone calls HIMSELF and come get you if the NOTHING he does that he thinks YOU DO.. gets too hard. FORCE him to be in your shoes. Tell him go pick up a 25lb bag of sugar from walmart and carry it around with him while he eats, sleeps, drinks, cleans, takes care of his kid, etc.. Then ask him how easy it all is. And if he don't like it.. tell HIM to hit the door and don't let the door hit 'im where the good Lord split 'im and other than that.. tell him shut the bleep up. He knows nothing of the job of taking care of a household. He's only doing what half a million men around the world are doing, and thats WORKING at a job. So what.. should you bow down to him and worship him as the master of might and all that is?? Tell him to get over himself and if he didn't like ya, he shouldn't have married ya and at anytime he knows where the nearest divorce attorney is. Tell him you'd rather be divorced any day than sit and deal with his incessant wining.. ask him if he needs a waaaambulance or somethin. PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN AND DO NOT ACCEPT HIS ABUSE. ONCE YOU DO, IT OPENS THE DOOR FOR FURTHER ABUSE. Once he sees you aren't gonna put up with his crap and can live without him, he'll shut up and quit runnin his mouth cause it sounds to me like he needs a babysitter and a maid.. NOT a wife and the both of ya realize it.

Carolee - posted on 12/27/2009

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Even though he's under a lot of stress (and probably angry at himself for not being able to provide as much for his family as he originally thought he could), I would suggest making two budgets. One for what is spent where now, and one that would show how much more it would cost if you put your step-daughter in day-care and got a job (which is almost impossible at that stage of pregnancy, except for part-time at a fast-food place). Make sure you put down exactly how much you would have to make for it to be worth while to go with day-care. I, personally (in this situation), would suggest making twice what the daycare costs per month are as "worth it". And, it is almost (notice I said "almost") impossible to get a job that will pay that much without a degree, so you would actually have to go back to school first... which you would need to wait until after the baby's born until you enroll.



I'm just saying that you should point out exactly how much you help him on a daily basis. You do the housework so he doesn't have to do it all when he gets home. You raise your step-daughter, while being pregnant, no less! That's no small feat. You save him on child care... those costs are outrageous nowadays! Let him know that, just because he's upset because the holidays put you guys a little farther behind than he originally thought, he has no right to take it out on you! Let him know that, if he keeps it up, you will NOT stay with him, as that would only teach your child to disrespect women (especially you). Good luck.

Mary - posted on 12/27/2009

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Hi Jessica,

I understand how you feel. My husband and I have had the same problems. Especially when we were your age. Now we have been married for 21 years and have raised 6 kids together.

There is SO much I want to say to you. But I think the first thing to say is that your husband is probably like mine and the idea of working to raise a family and keep them housed, clothed and fed is over whelming. Literally, my husbands still gets frightened and stressed about the bills. Afraid deep down that we will lose everything. This fear is what drives his frustration which leads to irrational accusations.

To this day I feel unappreciated about the sacrifices I have made for our kids and family.

And yes, my hubby watches my spending like a hawk but often overlooks his own. Especially when it comes to cell phone use and gasoline. In the past I have taken up part time jobs to help make ends meet. But I eventually learned it was not worth leaving my kids for. It was easier just to do without, eat cheaper and do less than to rationalize not being there to watch my kids 24/7. I eventually made it MY personal decision to get my kids raised up under MY constant eye before I ever worked again.

And yes, he used to say "Get a job". But I defended myself pretty well about it and made him realize that working to pay daycare was stupid. I believe at some points he looked down on me as less impressive than his friends wives that had careers. But these same men never got fed right, had bratty kids and filthy homes and more.



My husband is a very, very good kind man. But nobody is perfect. I'm not perfect either. Do you still love your husband? Because that makes all the difference.

If you still love him and feel love FROM him, then you guys can work it out. But at some point he has to see that what you are doing is best for your family. Do you defend yourself when he says these things? I sure do!!

Is he physically hurting or threatening you? This you should not tolerate. safety for yo, the child and unborn baby are what is most important.



I have been through ALOT and can help you probably. Hang in there.



Please add me on your FB, I am sending you an invite right now.



Mary~

Evelyn - posted on 12/30/2009

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I have been married since 1977 and have raised 4 children the youngest is 27 and expecting her first child. I agree with the comments about how overwhelmed a husband and father can be and how the emotions can get misdirected. Your husband needs to talk. The problems can't be addressed unless the problems can be identified. Your husband sounds as if he wants out too. I am a paralegal that has worked on many divorces, custody and support cases. Getting out will not remove the financial responsibilities. Your husband should realize this since he already has a child, venting at you will not relieve his financial obligations, nor will your working. If you separate, his support will be determined by the courts according to his income. Whether you work or not his responsibilty remains. It is important to build his self-esteem and a good man will respond to being praised. If he is resentful and only wants to use you as an excuse he may not respond. Reassure him that he is appreciated and see how he reacts. It may seem backward to build his self-esteem when you are the one that seems to be sacrificing your self-esteem, but men tend to be performers and when they believe they are doing a good job they are motivated to keep performing. As a couple your problems are not financial but emotional. It is very easy to let financial pressure overwhelm your life. My husband and I needed a plan and we went to a reputable credit councelor through United Way to deal with dept and we went to financial planner who helped us get on a plan for saving. With a plan we could see progress toward reaching goals. It is a real challenge to manage money and you need guidence and tools. I hope this sounds like what your husband wants to accomplish and that he can get past using you as an emotional outlet for resentment.

Maria - posted on 12/29/2009

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Dear Jessica,

It is so disappointing to be pregnant while having issues with the dad to be. Not only are we as pregnant women truly sensitive to criticism during this hormonal time, but men can be so un-understanding. Finances are the number 1 issue in relationships, so you are not alone. I experienced similar issues with my son's father even though, just like you, I took care of the house hold, split the bills with him though I only worked a few hours per week and emptied my savings account, and I went to school full-time.

Still to this day he never appreciated what I contributed to the relationship. So, as far as your relationship goes I hope things will get better for you. Never forget communication is key. I missed that part, and we are now split up... So if you love him and want to make things work try to research ways to ease the situation. That way at least you know you've tried everything.

The other possibility is that he is just not a good man for you, but time will tell.

I wish you the best sweetie!

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Kathi - posted on 02/11/2010

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You haven't replied in awhile so don't know how you're doing? There's a lot of excuses why a man acts the way he does but all in all ... what about you and your happiness? Did you quit college just for him or did you do it for yourself to become a better mother? You can do both or go back after you have the baby. About the father's first daughter. Him and his ex need to work this out before you even consider taking her on. Are you there for the convenience of raising that child because they or him can't. You are definitely saving money if you're taking care of her! You sound like you are ready to be a mother and he's still trying to get being a father right. Maybe he's afraid of the same thing happening with your relationship that happened in his first. Men don't open up very well and usually carry things like that forward. Did you have enough time to really get to know this man before you got pregnant - or did he completely change once you got pregnant? You said you were taking a break - are you still? You need to find out what was really causing those pains. Stress can bring on alot of health issues silently. You have alot of hormones and feelings of being a new mother swarming and you deserve happiness and not all these worries. Alot of that is normal as you adjust to becoming a new parent. Us mothers do it gradually for the whole 9 months whereas dads can only watch from afar and usually anxiety builds up. I'd also watch how he treats his first daughter to know if he'll be a good dad to the child your carrying. Just remember out of all the things that have been said, you need to come first (health, happiness, and goals) so you can be there for your children and yes even your man. I wish you well and congratulations on being pregnant - it's a time for joy of bringing a new life into this world. Embrace motherhood:)

Kristina - posted on 01/21/2010

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This is awful. Please don't think of yourself as worthless although that's exactly what your husband is implying. Sometimes I think we say cruel things to the people we love because it's the way we feel about ourselves. So when he says, "You don't know how good you have it made", he might actually be revealing what he thinks of himself - meaning HE doesn't realize how good he has it made. You make everything just right. Some food for thought.

Sara - posted on 01/15/2010

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i understand somewhat how you feel. i dont have a job and havent since i was 6 months pregnant and my son is now 4 months old...maybe you getting a job, even part-time will help show him you help and if that doesnt work maybe the best thing you can do is leave.....have you talked to him about how you feel, meybe he doesnt realize how he is making you feel.....talking helps most of the time.

Kristy - posted on 01/15/2010

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hi, jessica i just wanted to say i really hope things get better for you, i was your age when i had my first child and me and my now husband were just dating back then and boy, did we fight. it was scary to think about money when there was a baby on the way. we are now married with 2 children and im a stay at home mom. once and awhile he will say things like i wish you could see how hard it is to work a 12 hour day, and i say hey guess what? my day starts when the kids get up and ends when they are asleep and thats much more than 12 hours. he was laid off in the summer so he was home and saw what i go through so that helped. but even when things get rough i think its best to talk it out and if you cant counseling may be just what you need. but good luck with everything.

Annie - posted on 01/14/2010

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Be very careful if you make a woman cry because God counts her tears. The woman came out of a man's rib, not from his feet to be walked on, not from his head to be superior, but from his side to be equal! Under the arm to be protected, & next to the heart to be loved.

Mary - posted on 01/04/2010

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And also, its NO FUN out there on your own with 2 babies to support. I have done it.

This was after ex beat me black and blue nearly killing me twice.

Even though my leaving was the best thing, it was no cake walk ladies. It was quite horrifying actually.

My apartment was cheap so it was in a bad part of town. I heard things on my door stoop one time too many that scared the dickens out of me being all alone with my babies.

And then my income was a joke. I made the bills and rent and fed us, but we struggled.

I had no car and pushed them in a stroller everywhere we went. When the stroller broke down I bought an old red wagon at a yardsale for $5 and I was proud to have it!

It would rattle and tump the babies out now and then, but it got us along as we carted the groceries home in 1987.

I never ever liked being alone and almost took my worthless bashing ex-husband back once. But only once.

It was a very mean world out there all alone with my 2 babies. I made my choice because my ex nearly killed me by beating my head into a concrete floor knocking me unconscious. I was glad I left him and never ever regretted it. But I was honestly afraid he was going to kill me.

So now to hear young ones say they just don't feel "respected" makes ME want to cry.

Abused and respected are very different things. And divorce should never be sought after just because a one doesn't feel "respected".

I HAD to raise my babies all alone for some years and it was no fun being the sole provider. That was when I saw and understood my ex's issues. Sure, he was overwhelmed and frustrated, but he had no right to hurt me physically.

Now, I meet the man of my dreams, current hubby.

21 years ago! And let me tell you...yes he has been frustrated, overwhelmed, scared and horrified even, when the bills cannot be paid. He has spared me the details countless times. (Thank God). But never has he EVER laid a hand on me. He is only very loving and sweet and funny... :O)

So quit knocking the concept that good men get overwhelmed, scared, frustrated and worse.

Because there are a many good women all alone today feeling the very same.

Mary - posted on 01/04/2010

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Suspecting that your hubby may be overwhelmed and stressed is NOT condoning a bad behaviour as suggested above.
Look at it like this; ARE YOU STRESSED?? ARE YOU OVERWHELMED??
Then maybe he is too!!!!!!!
Your husband is a human being after all. To expect him to "shape up or ship out"
completely ignores the fact that the two of you have some issues to work out.
That sort of mentality just says that he is dead wrong and you will not attempt to find the middle ground.
Divorce isn't smart unless you are absolutely abused.
I know, I was absolutely abused black and blue by a man that is now dead from drug abuse.
But I also know what real love and a real marriage is. One that has lasted for 21 years so far with my present husband. One that knows about compromise. And knows about a young man being overwhelmed at facing the raising of a family all by himself.
It takes "two to tango" and those tow that are dancing have to learn not to step on each other because they both have 2 feet capable of hurting the other.

[deleted account]

My husband used to say the same thing to me about having no idea how easy/good I have it because I don't have to work. Until he had a 4 day weekend and spent every minute with me and our son who was teething. After that weekend all he had to say was that he was ready to go back to work, that I was a great mom and he didn't know how I did it. You can try and tell them that it's not easy and tell them that you don't think that they could do it but they won't listen until they experience it for themselves. They don't understand that being a mom is a 24/7 job. You put in more hours there at home than he will ever put in at his job. He gets to have days off and you're still working. Yes, your child may take a nap but that's not break time...you still have to pay bills and do dishes and laundry not to mention make the meals. Most of that stuff gets done while my son is sleeping because he gets into everything. I'll be loading the dishwasher and he's right there taking everything out of it. Try trading places with him. Go help someone for a day and leave a list of things that you accomplish during the day and tell him that it HAS to be done before you get home AND on top of that he has to take care of your already present child.

Heather - posted on 01/02/2010

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My boyfriend was a lot like this during my pregnancy...on my case about everything!! My daughter is now 2 weeks, and he is totally different to me. maybe once your child is here he'll change, but then i stop and think about he already has a child....maybe you should leave him. i mean you've given so much up for him and he has no idea how to even start to think about it. he is obviously a selfish person. and as for your step daughter...her mother isn't in her life?? he has full custody of her??

Linda - posted on 01/02/2010

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I'm sorry, but I would not be condoning his behavior like some of these women are. It is wrong! Oh he's overwhelmed and stressed? How about this women who is feeling hurt and stuck and all else while helping to raise her step child and grow a baby inside of her. If anything he should be treating her better than ever.
My heart goes out to you, I couldn't even imagine being treated like that. This made me want to cry. I can't tell you what to do, but I would certainly put him in his place and if he didn't shape up he would have to ship out -that's just me though. If it doesn't stop and you feel you have to leave there are many programs for single moms as far as education, child care while you're in class, etc. and if he is complaining about money now, I'd hate it for him when a good chunk of his income would go to child support payments. Do you get paid for being a maid, cook, accountant, errand runner and all else? he is the one who has it made.

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Quoting Yvonda :

why in Gods name would you suggest that this girl stays in an abusive relationship... I am also a stay at home mom, and yes money gets tight, but if my husband for one second thought about degrading me for the choice we made together for me to stay home and take care of our children, I would have left him years ago... We have been married almost 17 years, and I have to say he has never mad me feel unappreciated, a marriage is a partnership! and if these men can't see that than I feel for you ladies. I have 2 daughters and I would never encourage them to stay in this kind or relationship..would you have given the same advise to your daughter, or told your son its okay to make his wife feel like she not an equal in the marriage



AMEN! I say this sort of thing to DH all the time!

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I have HUGE issues about disrespect. I cannot tolerate it. If you are making me feel crappy so you can feel better about yourself, I'm done with you! Just my personal feelings!

oh! and if you are ever in fear of physical abuse have someone with you if you decide to tell him you're leaving.

[deleted account]

I journal. I didn't have time to go through all of the replies, but through journaling I usually go though all the emotions and end on rational thoughts. This helps me talk to DH when it comes up the next time and how I respond. I recomend Dave Ramsey too for the money, but he has to be in agreement for that to work. And it seems to go a lot deeper than money.

Delany - posted on 01/02/2010

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I was raised in a family where there was constant hostility. I suffer from severe depression and see mental professionals. Your kids will be worse off if you stay in a relationship your unhappy in. Trust me I know! If you stay with a guy who cuts you down your kids are going to think it's okay to treat you and others the same way. You should be strong and put your kids and yourself in a better situation. You'll thank me later:)

Jennifer - posted on 01/01/2010

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Jessica, I hope things did get better as you say BUT abusers are the best at sweet talk. He is abusing you and you DON'T have to stay. Abuse is not just phyical. If he really wants to be a better husband then you all neet to get some counsuling. (I understand money is tight) There must be a church or something around that will help with that.

I can't even imagin my husband acting that bad. We had fights after our disicion for me to be a stay at home mom (made with our first) then after our second he complained about the money. At one point he said "it's MY money so I can by a new $50 game if I want to. After all I make ALL the money!" I was pissed! I got a job we lived near my grandma at the time so she watched the kids. After a month he wanted me to quit! LOL he did not like that there was no meals ready made for him when he got home and a home cooked dinner to take when he left for work (at the time he worked over night). He really did not like that when he wanted my attention I was not there or to tired or consintrated on spending that time with the girls. He ended up feeling abandond. I worked for about 6 months until we moved to another state. We had another talk and he said he wanted me to stay home.



This worked with my hubby but sweety I don't think it will with yours. Do what is right for you and your baby and only you know what that is. Follow you heart and take the time to really listion to it. Sometimes we think our hearts say one thing but its really our head. Like the stay for the kids our hearts know that wont work but our minds tell us it has to. If you do stay MAKE him go with you for counsuling and each of you need some on your own. Him to control his temper so he can stop lashing out, You to feel more impowered about yourself, and together to work on the damage already done. I mentioned a church I have heard they sometimes offer free counsuling I don't know for sure but its a place to look. I wish you luck, trully I do. Be safe and Be happy!

Aisha - posted on 01/01/2010

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Jessica, You have only 1 life to live. If you love him try sitting down and talking to him. If you feel like a starting a life without him you need to start thinking about yourself and the child inside because when your'e hurting your baby feels the hurt as well. Think about it.

Leslie - posted on 01/01/2010

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Jessica,

I think that you are smart to think of your child being hurt your child, however I know when my child sees my husband and I get in a tiff, she knows something is wrong, she will ask why mommy is sad and worry until the tension is gone, your new little one will know if something is wrong. You are so good to do the house work and take care of a little one, us moms know it is no easy feat! Just because he works, doesnt mean that he is doing the harder thing, just think, he perhaps gets a break at work, and he gets to come home from work, you never are off the job, and maybe he needs to know that, maybe he needs to see all that you do, let him know of all he would have to do when he gets home every day if you werent there.You need to be apperciated, its not to much to ask for EVER!

Robin - posted on 01/01/2010

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Does he have issues growin- up? If he does you need conseling to help his issuses. I have a hubby that his mother let him fall on his head and factor his skull so he has brain damage. Now he is on meds for his outbrusts. Zoloft it does help but I he still get mad says things he doesnot mean so, we have to back and check his brain. He has scar tissue. So, I have to forgive and turn the other cheek but in your case and a baby no doubt you need to seek help. From a professional.

Kristin - posted on 01/01/2010

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you need to be in a happy state for your baby, if that means being on your own you do that

Eulonda - posted on 01/01/2010

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Hi Jessica,
I read ur post and my heart goes out to u. I really sympathize with u. It's hard being pregnant first of all. But being pregnant and raising a child that isn't biologically urs could overwhelm anyone. The only advice I have for u is to put ur child first. When it comes down to it, u are the only protection that child has in this world. U have to be strong, confident, and healthy to be a good parent. If u feel like ur husband is taking the energy and love away from u that ur child needs, it's not worth the trouble. Maybe u need some time to urself to calm down and maybe he needs to see exactly what he'll miss if u leave.

Courtney - posted on 01/01/2010

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Hi Jessica,
I know where your coming from! It's really hard to take care of a child plus a home and your growing baby! Someone needs to be at home doing all he things that you do. It sounds like to me he would be lost without you! I feel that if you are stressed and uncomfortable there you should leave. Yes, it would be harder n your child but you deserve to be treated better. Sometimes leaving is for the best. Just follow your heart, you know what you want with your life... it's no longer about what he wants!!!

Elisabete - posted on 12/31/2009

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give him the same attitude ,make him live in your shoes for the day and make him do everything you do for the day see how he likes it ,my family (hubby and kids )were like that they though they did it all till i turned the tables and made them do it all no matter how much he protests tell him from the morning h dont have to work "today your going to live in my shoes" and make him deal with all the bills i mean put them on the table tell him how much money he has to pay them and say "deal with it " and at the same time then tell him when the children need him,when to cook and clean iam sure if not by the end of the day by the next morning he may think twice .

Gwen AKA Tanna - posted on 12/31/2009

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Me again-I'm suggesting daycare because you'll have the opportunity to make money and put some away when and if you decide to leave (wink). Just some advice-don't let your husband know the exact amount you're charging-If your rate is $125 per child tell him you're charging $65 per child and put your money away!

Gwen AKA Tanna - posted on 12/31/2009

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Hi Jessica-first off I'm sorry you're going through this with your husband. It's hard because we as women take so much in to keep our family together! Keep in mind that what you do is as just important. Maybe you can watch a few children just for some extra cash. I have four children two are teenagers-and my other two are 6 & 4. My four year old has autism. A few years ago I started daycare in my home. I got my home registered to allow me to keep children in my home. Within a couple of months I was making $750 a week. My income reached close to $1800 a week within a year of me running a childcare business from my home. Maybe this is something you can consider!

Yvonda - posted on 12/31/2009

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why in Gods name would you suggest that this girl stays in an abusive relationship... I am also a stay at home mom, and yes money gets tight, but if my husband for one second thought about degrading me for the choice we made together for me to stay home and take care of our children, I would have left him years ago... We have been married almost 17 years, and I have to say he has never mad me feel unappreciated, a marriage is a partnership! and if these men can't see that than I feel for you ladies. I have 2 daughters and I would never encourage them to stay in this kind or relationship..would you have given the same advise to your daughter, or told your son its okay to make his wife feel like she not an equal in the marriage

Yvonda - posted on 12/31/2009

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11st of all let me say that if your unhappy your child is and will be unhappy! If you feel abused in any way you should leave this relationship NOW! You will not be hurting your child be protecting yourself, you dont want your child to learn that its okay to let someone abuse them, even if it is verbal and not physical, it's still abuse, and believe me when I say children will learn more quickly by watching the actions of the adults around them and how you handle yourself in situations, he/she will do as you do...not as you say, please remember this! so for the sake of your child get out now, before this man starts to abuse him/her as well..
They holidays are stressful for a lot of people, especially when not enough money is a big issue, but there are other ways to deal with stress,
My advise to you is to get out now, this behavior will only get worse!! I hope God gives you the strength to make the right choice for you unborn child... you will be in my thoughts and prayers...Take care

Jessica - posted on 12/31/2009

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Thanks for every ones great advice, stories, and help concerning my issue. Well after a few high tension discussions (some small arguments), we finally came to an understanding. He didn't even remember saying these things first of all but once I reminded him and told him how much they hurt me and why I know what I am doing for right now is the right way (the only way during this time) to go about this, he finally came to the conclusion and understanding that he didn't want me to get a job nor does he think it will help us. He apologized for now but I hope it stays this good and doesn't go back to the fighting once more. Sometimes we will get into arguments, make up, be good for a week or two, but then after that few weeks past we will go back to arguing. I hope this is done and over with and not just temporary. Thanks again for everyone's help. Good luck with you and your families!!!

[deleted account]

Jessica,

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. You have received a lot of great advice, particularly from Mary, Carolee and Sheryl.



Since you plan to nurse, you'll have lots of time to read. I really suggest getting some self help books like "Boundaries: When To Say Yes, When To Say No To Take Control of Your Life" or "Boundaries in Marriage" by the same authors. They teach you how to respectfully not become a doormat to protect your own self and emotions. They can really help you grow a thick skin. You may want to research other marriage help books too. If you can, encourage hubby to read them with you, but if not, try to just read some important parts out loud to him.



I really like the showing him the budget on paper idea that a lot of these ladies suggested. If talking to him about it causes an argument, give it to him outlined on a piece of paper and put it in his lunch box. Send him a sweet text on his way to work to let him know you put it in there and maybe he can try to think of what to cut back on so ya'll can save money.



I also suggest making a similar outline of budget type stuff if you go back to work. Remember that formula will cost about $200 a month if you live in the States. Daycare for an infant will cost about maybe $700-$1000 a month depending on the area you live in. And, you will be forced to eat out more or buy more convenient foods if you are working. And, since you would be working, that means he is required to do half of the housework too. If you get a job that doesn't require a uniform, you will have to buy more clothes and shoes for yourself, and you will spend more on gas and wear and tear on your car. Try including a pro's and con's list with the "working mom budget".



Evelyn who suggested encouraging and complimenting him despite his behavior has it RIGHT ON. Even though it seems like he is the one that should be changing, men really need an encouraging wife to help them change.



It is so much work on your part, and it will seem like you are the one doing all the work for this relationship. But, let me tell you...it is well worth it when you both come out on the other side. If you keep researching healthy marriages and things you can do to be a better wife, (even though you are already a great wife) things will only get better for your relationship.



If you are a Christian, there is PLETHORA of great self help books out there that stand for Bible-based marriage (like The Power of a Praying Wife and The Love Dare). It's not all about the wife submitting like people think, the husband is required to love his wife and be considerate of her and make unselfish descisions for the good of his family. People forget the second part a lot, and unfortunately, it is husbands most of the time.



I've been married almost 5 years and almost got divorced in the 1st year. It took a lot of work on my part, even though my husband was EXACTLY like yours. Today, my husband is considerate most of the time, understanding most of the time and compassionate most of the time. I say most of the time because old habits die hard. ;)



Congratulations on your upcoming baby, and good luck on the beginning of your selfless journey to make your marriage better.



Christina

Rebecca - posted on 12/30/2009

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Quoting Evelyn:

I have been married since 1977 and have raised 4 children the youngest is 27 and expecting her first child. I agree with the comments about how overwhelmed a husband and father can be and how the emotions can get misdirected. Your husband needs to talk. The problems can't be addressed unless the problems can be identified. Your husband sounds as if he wants out too. I am a paralegal that has worked on many divorces, custody and support cases. Getting out will not remove the financial responsibilities. Your husband should realize this since he already has a child, venting at you will not relieve his financial obligations, nor will your working. If you separate, his support will be determined by the courts according to his income. Whether you work or not his responsibilty remains. It is important to build his self-esteem and a good man will respond to being praised. If he is resentful and only wants to use you as an excuse he may not respond. Reassure him that he is appreciated and see how he reacts. It may seem backward to build his self-esteem when you are the one that seems to be sacrificing your self-esteem, but men tend to be performers and when they believe they are doing a good job they are motivated to keep performing. As a couple your problems are not financial but emotional. It is very easy to let financial pressure overwhelm your life. My husband and I needed a plan and we went to a reputable credit councelor through United Way to deal with dept and we went to financial planner who helped us get on a plan for saving. With a plan we could see progress toward reaching goals. It is a real challenge to manage money and you need guidence and tools. I hope this sounds like what your husband wants to accomplish and that he can get past using you as an emotional outlet for resentment.



This all makes so much since! Great advise!



The only thing, in all honesty that worries me though is that it seems as though you almost want her to pressure him to stay with her by saying that his financials wont go away as he has a child and i presonally don't feel that is a reason to stay together. It is not healthy for a child to grow up in that environment. Becomming a father is as big of a change for a man as it is a women to become a mother so keep this in mind too. Was this child planned? If not he might be feeling the added pressure due to that becasue he knows what a child requires as he already has one. If you are up to it maybe bring in a child to watch duriong the day the same age as your step daughter or maybe a few after school kids. I brought in a decent income by watching kids and it paid for our new roof :)



 

Rebecca - posted on 12/30/2009

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My husband felt this way when i was sick with our first child and had to leave my job. I had hyperemesis due to my pregnancy and he is military so his job is rough enough so when my due date got closer we decided he woudl take the aprentl leave to get some time off work and i would go back to work. He wanted to go bakc to work after the frist week lol. Our son is now 2yrs and we have a 5 month old daughter and i did childcare froa while but not anymore for a little while and he knows i don't do anything all day now that he saw first hand how it is at home...and he only had one little baby to care for. I have a toddler and a baby to care for and when i did childcare i had 5 toddlers my baby and an afterschooler to care for. He got to see how it truly is at home and i think that saved us for sure. The first year with a child is the hadrest i find. I skimmed through quickly and saw that you were goingt o stay with your mom for a while. Yes sometimes i break might be nice but keep in mind one step backwords can also mean the end is around the corner. I'm not saying it woud'tn be a good thing to end from the sounds of things but keep in mind that taking a break isn't goignt o fix things. You need ot talk things through and take soem time for yourself especially when the baby comes. I go to the gym 3 nights a week and i don't do a lot there but ig et out of the house and it's ME time. Just me and my MP3 player and i just get out all my frustration there. My gym pass is only 10$ a month because he is military so i know some can't afford it especially if he finds he's tight on money so what we do is...my husband has all bank cards. Mine puts in my parental cheque and pays my 2 bills and buys diapers for the kids and formula and the rest of the money gets taken out and put on his card as we both agree on one card is better to track. He pays his bills with his money and whatever is in his account is for spending and some months are more tight then others but we always manage to get through. I have no control over the bills, except my cell phone and the cable/internet/homephone as they are the only thigns in my name adn on my bank account. I have no loans to pay off so nothing else is needed from me. The mortgage is in his anem and everything else so he wants to be in chagre of them so he sees what is left and if i ever bring up wanting to do something he'll either say yes or we can't that month but he'll save some money so we can the following month. This works for us so maybe try letting him be in charge of the finacials so he can see first hand where the money goes.

Remind him that if he wants you to work childcare will need to be paid for and in all honesty it's not worth paying a provider for 2 kids unless he has a reliable schedule and you want to work nights a few nights a week. A few of my friends have to do this and they seem fine with it and for some it works for soem it doesn't and it isn't even an option. Maybe a few hours out of the house once your step daughter goes to sleep would do yuo some good. You need to relax and not get too stressed. Once the baby comes you will ned to strong support group behind you so make sure the ones you want with you are in palce.

I wish yuo luck and i'm not sure if any of this makes since or will help but i hope in some way it does.

Congrats on your new one coming and good luck!

Megan - posted on 12/30/2009

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Sweetie I know how bad this can suck. My hubby and I were fighting the whole time I was preggers with both our kids. It seems to bring out the bad in them. One thing I can say is that you should get yourself back into school and understand that even now you still need that ed. for the future. Another thing you might remind him is that money can always be made but the fighting will hurt the marrage more then a little hard times. You can always find a part time job after the little one comes along and that will also help get you out around other adults, witch is something you will need.


 

Carmen - posted on 12/30/2009

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I feel for u. The most important thing is to keep your sanity and dont judge yourself through the eyes of someone else even if that person is your husband. You believe in your heart you are doing everything in your power to do at this time then that should be enough. The most important thing is to regain your self respect. When he begins to vent in the wrong manner just walk away dont try to have him see the wrong things about him because men have very low self steem. If you are able to take up some of those college courses online go for it dont just give up and dont tell him you left school for him because that is a choice that you made. If you feel that you are doing or giving in too much where is forced or too hard to do then you should reconsider your choices and make a solid decision. If your husband is not setting a good example for the child he already has think hard if your child will make a difference to motivate him to change. Try to find a support group in your neighborhood or in a church or try to join a mommy and me class for your step daughter to make friends and have people to help you and give you face to face advice. There are other people going through the same or have gone through the same experience. You may ask a sea of people but you know in your heart the answer to your questions. I hope that next year will have many good things in stored for you and child.

Jodie - posted on 12/30/2009

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well hun,im not going to lie to you,but you are in very serious controlled marriage,wheather you wont to beleive me or not.its true.i know how hard it is to expect it,but its true.all hes doing is treating you like a dam door mat.he has issues,and untill sum1 tells him,he doesnt know.yuor husbund,has clearly been either in a controlled realtionship by an ex,or controlled by his parents,if its true,then you need to have a out right boast with him,and tell him some home truths,bout his behaviour toward you,you may not not like wat he says.but be strong,and say to ya self,its not me,its him with the issue.you are just on the reciving end,cos hes in denial.not your fault.i know its hard to here,cos no1 has been stright.i know you love him,but do you wont that for your kid.its not fear.as for his daughter/son,not your problem,if you decide that you know he doesnt treat you right.nothing will change babe.but its up to you.do you stay in a controlled realtionship,or do you stay,cos you think you are not worthy,well you are okay,every women are worthy.time to let go,but your choice,hope its the right one.good luck.

Amber - posted on 12/29/2009

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Hi jessica i just wanted to say you sound like a really great person and mother. first off our husbands should be kissin our feet we take care of the kids, house, bills, there pleasure needs, i mean come on we should be getin freakin awards for what we do. i have 4 and it never ends. Men are suppose to work and provide for there familey anyway. and dont you ever let no one ever put you down for what you do for your familey..bc your the reason there is a familey darlin! you tell that man he should be thankful he has a wonderful woman that takes care of her buisness cause now days we are rare....take care hun it always gets better...

Meeta - posted on 12/29/2009

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Hi Dear our is till male dominating society. what you are doing is for your step daughter continue that. god will bless you . at tha same time if your hubby is harassing you do not tolerate. and please see that once your child is born after certain time get some job for you to keep your self busy and you can spend for your self also. don't get frustrated if you are getting your husband will be more happy . so keep your self busy, ignore his non senses so that your kid wont get affected with all this.

Brandy - posted on 12/29/2009

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i know men do get stressed out easily. i went back to work after our first daughter was born. that really hurt my husband. he wanted to support us but he couldnt. i was trying to help out. but he took it out on me. said stuff he didnt mean. but it really hurt. words do leave scars. hopefully things get better

[deleted account]

My sister told me to take one class at a time and for 15 years in my first marriage, I didn't . Same abuse , only got worse. In my new marriage we do have arguments once in a while but not like my first marriage. He trusts me completely and never blames me, only works harder more overtime to make up the bills. A good clue to ask the first wife, what he was like , it isn't too late to leave with your unborn child. Or get some free counselling from domestic violence places online. Verbal abuse should not be taken lightly, I agree with so much of what the nice Mary Simmons said , but like she said it depends on how much abuse or how much love there is. Feeling stuck ,, is not a good sign to me,,,been there done that,,,hope you can find happiness either way.......I did the second time around and have a loving supportive husband, I wouldn't settle for anything less. 3.5 GPA back in school. I pray that the right decision comes to you.

Stephanie - posted on 12/29/2009

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Quoting LeeAnn:

My advice is to attend a class by Dave Ramsey, even his Financial Peace University if you are able. It worked a miracle with both our finances AND my husband's attitude!



Jessica,



Please think seriously about this class.  My hubby and I took it together and put a total different perspective on our money issues.



It will help you do the TOGETHER not one person in the realtionship. 



I feel for you and your situation.  It is hard maintaining everything with someone constatnly telling you it isnt enough.  You have recieved some wonderful adivce from other moms and I hope you out something into action.



You are worth every thing and any thing, dont let someone tell you that you are not.  If it feels not right to you then it is not right.  Your feelings and emotions are valid, they are not up to someone else to decide.  Remember that, I think that many people forget that.



God bless you!



 



Stephanie

Ashley - posted on 12/29/2009

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Only you know where your relationship is at and what it needs.

I would suggest doing a detailed budget with him. GFo over how much he makes each month and any other sources of income so you are both aware of how much is incoming. Then go into exactly how much you NEED to live on each month. How much do you realisticly need for food, how much for your mortgage, how much for all your bills. Make sure you add in entertainment budget and for unexpected bills like birthdays, clothes for kids, new tires, household product (soap shampoo). remember things like registration on your car and other yearly or seasonal thing.

Then you can compare the incoming with all the outgoing. If you do it togethre than you can both see exactly how much comes in and how much goes out and if there is any room for savings. Make goals together for your savings.

I would also suggest putting all the entertainment money in a jar so that you can see how much you have left for the month. do online banking for your bills so it can be tracked and don't use credit cards. If everything is in debit cards so the money is gone right away then it is easier to see what has been spent where and when so you can stay right on top of expenses together.

If he is upset about money than you need to go over it with him. have him involved with the budget and maybe even put him incharge of it. If he is seeing exactly where all the money goes than he can't be upset when he sees you aren't blowing it all.

Money is a tricky thing in relationships. It is one of those make it or break it things. talk about it, don't accuse, if he wants to save more than you need to help him see where the money is going and work together to make the savings happen.

Budget budget budget!

Sara - posted on 12/29/2009

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Quoting Carolee:

No matter what, don't stay in any relationship you feel is abusive because of the kids. It's never worth it (for you OR the kids), and usually just leads to more and more resentment between you and your husband. Make a plan to leave (get somewhere to stay, a way to pay for what you need to get... even a woman's shelter is better than abuse), and follow through with that plan. Don't tell him where you're going, but it's okay to keep contact by calling from payphones or blocking numbers if possible if you feel that it would be okay. He's not adult enough to handle the situation at the moment, and you having painful cramps after an argument is NOT good. You should get away from him for a while.


I am in total agreement.  You are being abused!  I know how hard it is to see... it took me 20 years.  The issue is not with you, it's with him.  I highly suggest you get in contact with a therapist, and read up on verbal and emotional abuse.  Feel free to message me any time.

Dawn - posted on 12/29/2009

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Jessica, I am not going to try giving you any advice. I will however tell you that I am praying for your strength and for you and your family. I pray you find someone you can really talk with and who can assist you through this difficult time in your life.

Jessica - posted on 12/28/2009

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Thanks to all ladies! Talking with all of you and hearing your thoughts has been very encouraging. Thanks again to all of you!

Jessica - posted on 12/28/2009

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Quoting Mary:

Jessica,
Sometimes a little seperation is necessary to keep things from getting worse. Your husband sounds like he is a bit inmature and needs to realize that he has a serious pile on his plate that cannot be ignored by cutting you off verbally, playing video games or texting his friends. He may be having issues dealing with what he has to measure up to as a man. But that is not YOUR PROBLEM. Your problem/responsibility is bringing your baby into this world safely and healthy. And to AN EXTENT helping out with your tiny sweet step daughter.
Now, I have been in the step mother only caregiver shoes. And I know what I am talking about here..
He made that baby with another woman. It is ultimately THEIR responsibility to raise their child. You are indeed a Godsend into this little girls life. But she is not your child.
You need to understand and accept that her parents in the overall longrun will and MUST have the first place in her care. My husbands ex ran away with another man when his son was just 2. I raised him from 3 years onward beside my own two that were his age. But in the long run I saw that I was a bit used simply to raise that boy and made things easier for the mother AND my husband and I still resent that a bit 21 years later!! I remember at one point giving my husband and his ex a piece of mind about how I did their "dirty work" in raising their boy...and I DID. While I loved him, he was a very troubled child that even my being there couldn't heal his wounds inside his babys heart in being abondoned by his mother. He is 25 today and a good young man. But has been through a life of hell and then went to fight in Iraq. But now he is a good man. A very good man.
Some men just don't "get it" and will continue to take you for granted until you show them that you WILL NOT be taken for granted.
Get up, go to your Moms. Take his daughter but you have to let him know where she is.
Let the house fall apart. Maybe that is what he needs to see, smell and feel. You not there making it a HOME for him. Let him figure out what to eat, when to get up, where his clean clothes come from and who mops the floors.
You (in my opinion) NEED to do this so he can get a reality check.
Let him be lonely for your warmth at night. Maybe ignore his calls for a few days too, or at the very least cut HIM off and say "I gotta go" and hang up.
I have done it and so have millions of other women in our shoes that are taken for granted.
I have a nice camper now. I take that to a nearby campground when I feel like my hubby is taking me for granted. I enjoy the peace and quiet with my little dogs. (I used to take our kids when they were little). Then he always shows up humble, hungry and lonely and needing my attention.
Think about this...





You have brought some very true and reasonable issues up. Thank you for your encouragement. And I will most defiantly think about it. Thanks a million


 

Kristen - posted on 12/28/2009

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I would highly suggest you two sitting down and talking it out. Make out a budget, and maybe even putting it on paper could help him see how much he is spending everyday. The most important thing is conversation. And let him know how you feel. Guys can be pretty dense at times, maybe he doesn't even realize how much stress he's putting you under. TALK!

Annie - posted on 12/28/2009

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I am so sorry that you are being treated poorly; you should not be treated that way. You should be loved and treated as a mother should be. He should be putting you up on a pedistal. Being a mother is one of the most special things we can aspire to be and he is failing to show you he loves you and supports you. Then staying home with your kids is something that is bigger than he sees. You are going to be able to build a relationship with your children that no body will be able to replace. You are also going to know your children are safe because they are with you. I worked at a daycare for a short time and during that short time I saw children forgotten outside, injured by other children, ignored because the trouble kids demmanded the attention.

I am a stay at home mom and my husband and I have been married for only six years. When we were having our first baby we discussed what we were going to do after we had the baby. Did you guys have that discussion? Was he ok with it then and has since changed? My heart is just breaking for you. I hope this is something that will pass for the two of you and can be resolved.

My husband and I have had disagreements before but never have I found myself being treated as you are being treated. he has always supported me, shown me that he loves me, and that the kids and myself are the most important things in his life. We are finanically not well off as are many families that have only one spouse working. My husband is working a regular 8 hour job and in addition is running a castodial buisness clean the building he works in. So he leaves in the morning and is gone till 6 or 7 at night. He works so hard so I can stay home with our babies. There is no other place I want to be even though it is a tough job to stay home and my husband knows how hard it is to stay home and shows his appriciation for all that I do. In the end we are both working hard together as husband and wife to make a good life for ourselves.

He gives his all untill he has nothing left. He stays up with a baby during the night because he knows it is important that I get a good nights rest, he asks me what he can do to help. Sometimes when he gets home he tells me to leave to have a break from the kids and hes always there to hug me and here me complain about a bad day.

We are not perfect but we are always working to do better for our family and we always talk and listen to each other. I wish your husband would hear out your concerns. Money is something that is really easy to fight over, but he really should set his pride aside and work this out with you. My heart would just hurt if my husband was doing that to me. I hope the two of you are able to work things out. I will be thinking about you and praying that you will beable to get throught his rough time. Take care of yourself and that baby on the way. It's not ok for him to be treating you that way; remember that and I hope he will see that.

Katie - posted on 12/28/2009

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jessica,
i dont think any girl should ever have to be put in this situation. i know what your goin through..my husband and i are havin difficulties and we have a 4 month old son together. the only advice i can tell you is to do what u think is right..if u think it is right to leave ur husband (i dont knwo if u would want ot) but any choice you choose will be best for your baby and you. i dont think you should be just staying iwth your husband if he is verbally abusing you and putting you down all the time just for your baby. im sure the your baby willl understand why you arent with the dad...babies can sense if you are unhappy and stress aint good while being pregnant. but i think also you should consider telling your husband that you wont put up with this kind of talk towards you..i know its hard to do but i had to do the same..the thing is guys take us too forgranted and they think we will always be there....until one day they realize they just made the one that they love leave. also i dont think a baby should be around this situation.... im sure any choice you pick will be a smart one for you and your baby. Congratualations on the pregnancy and good luck goin through labor. i will be praying for you!

Louise - posted on 12/28/2009

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It seems like he is trying to make you feel guilty cause you are not working. Tell him to be a man and work for his family... you are pregnant and cannot work, you are taking care of the child and you have to take care of yourself coz there is a baby growing inside you.... If you have money problems than maybe he should see how to earn more money for his family... shame on him for making you feel this way... Don't let him make you feel down you are not doing anything wrong, its him who should solve the situation like a real man... tell him to grow up !

Sheryl - posted on 12/28/2009

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sorry to hear that, i'll still keep you and your family in my prayers!

Jennifer - posted on 12/28/2009

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My hubby and I used to fight over money all the time. My biggest complaint was the same as yours. He would buy cigs (he smoked 2 packs a day), pop, candy, and lunch out every day. One day I just told him calmly, when we weren't already arguing that his cigs cost at least $280 a month (figuring $5 a pack) and that pop that he got (at least 4 - 20oz bottles a day) that costs about $25 a week ( $1.25/bottle for 5 days). For some reason until I explained it to him, he never realized that he was spending so much. He had just never added it all up. I also gave him ways to save on that without giving it all up (ie rolling his own cigs or cutting back, buying 1- 2liter bottle instead of 4-20oz) What really helped also, was we made him in charge of the bills. That way, he knew where every penny was going. I gave him the atm card and the check book. It kind of stinks, because I have to come up with creative ways to save money for his birthday/Christmas presents, but now he sees where everything is going. I take a set amount out every pay to get groceries and everything we need for the house and after that he gets the rest. I have taken him shopping with me, so he sees how much things cost and that I am only getting what we need.

Joannie - posted on 12/28/2009

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Jessica...i am sorry but i am in the exact same position and have no idea what to do myself. i am 27 my son is 17 months old i dont work but i keep the house clean dinner on the slove ect. ect. I get blamed for money problems also..what I have decided is to go back to school and get a career and if things dont get better i will be able to afford to live alone with my son. I also do not have a licence which is another reason i dont work..and my husband refuses to give me rides..He says i need to walk if i have to or get a taxi. and the jobs i have gotten while we have been together he manages to jeoperdize..ironic huh? I dont know what to say that will help you except you need to decide what is best for YOU and your children...if it is to leave then do it it really is that easy..I cant leave right now atleast not til i get my licence straite but i am going to attend school until i can...good luck jessica i am here if you need to talk..I am dealing wit the same abuse and it is hard when you are going through it along with kids...Im Here...Joannie!!

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