Help with step daughter :(

Brittani - posted on 08/13/2016 ( 5 moms have responded )

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I'm new to this entire thing and am in some pretty serious help on what to do with my four almost five year old step daughter. My husband and I have been married for a year now and I've been in her life since her first birthday. My husband and I have five kids (2 from his previous relationships, 2 from mine and 1 together) and our oldest which is his 11 year old daughter and I have absolutely zero issues I love her just as if she was my own, biggest difference between his 11 year old daughter and his 4/5 year old daughter is we have full custody of the oldest and we get the younger one every other weekend. But those weekends are pure hell. Now before I start my rant and cry for help I need to reassure you that I do love this child, I'll admit I don't like her though. We used to have a great relationship until my husband and I said "I do" I know a lot of it comes from her mom (my husbands ex wife) who feeds this child with things to say to me like " I hate you," "I don't want you here just my dad" and so on. She's been told by her mom to not call me mom but by my first name which in my opinion is perfectly fine if she felt comfortable enough to call me mom I would be floored. And it's entirely up to the child, it shouldn't be parents telling her to not call me that. So here's my rant and cry for help. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH HER! She's a pure monster, every time she comes here I'm constantly cleaning up her disasters from biting my six year old daughters face (leaving a mark and bruising on her cheek for three weeks), biting our two year old and hitting him, beating up the neighbor kids, spitting and making "magic potions" in the room she shares with my six year old which are HORRIBLE smelling, standing in her room and peeing and then rolling in it, and this was all just during the two weeks we get a year with her. It's been like this every weekend we get her. She's always in trouble and of course I'm the mean person. Her mother and I do not get along, I have tried my absolute hardest even reaching out and asking what she does at her house on different subjects so we can keep it consistent. I know first hand how difficult it is going between two TOTALLY different parenting situations. And I know she's adjusting but at what point will she get it. At what point will she know what's right and wrong. I'm tired of being the bad parent, and I'm tired of hating this child. I know it's a strong word and I'm obviously capable of loving a child that's not mine but this kid and I absolutely do not get along. It's so bad when she gets here that my other four kids cringe and stress out which makes me feel absolutely horrible. They deal with her nonsense just as much as I do. And it breaks my heart to see it. The best part about all this is...it only happens when my husbands not around, go figure. He's in the military so he's gone quite a bit and I've asked that when he's gone we don't have her here but her mom just enjoys her weekends a little too much. When my husband is around she's a perfect angel and tells him how much she loves me, then turns the corner, glares and tell me she hates me at four years old! I don't know what to do, someone please help. I promise I'm not here to just rant and rave about this evil child in my life although I make it seem that way, his entire family and mine see it and it kills them. I want to make it better, I want to enjoy her time with us. But it's ruining my marriage, my kids relationship with their dad especially his 11 year old daughter. Please help. Any advice at all. Please

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Brittani - posted on 08/13/2016

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I have to admit we've tried the positive enforcement and attention thinking she was acting out for the attention alone. But you're right maybe having her shadow me because she can't be left alone. I feel absolutely horrible having the fears I do especially when she's around my two year old, six year old or any of neighbor kids for that matter. I've tried to talk to the mom about maybe having her deal with theses issues but she of course comes back defensive and says that she is an angel at her house and never acts out (then again she's the only child there most of the time) and my husband just acts like he's given up on her. He's at just as much loss as I am. And in his mind he continues to tell me only one more year, one more year. I've tried stepping back and basically letting him handle it but then he gets upset I'm not being a parent or helping. I'm expected to be the step mom but also her mom mom and there's no winning when it comes to it. I'm expected to discipline and treat her as one of my own but when I do I'm in the wrong. I really do appreciate all the helpful things you're saying it does help a lot. I'm trying I'm really trying.

Brittani - posted on 08/13/2016

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I couldn't agree more. Currently right now I'm dealing with her the way I do my other children (as requested by my husband) so we've tried spankings, raising our voices, putting her in time out, calmly talking to her at her level, making her lay in her bed, basically everything I can think of. And absolutely nothing changes, I'm back to the basics of reminding her those things aren't the right thing to do and having her lay in her bed for a little bit. She says she knows it's wrong and when I ask why she does it I get the response "because I want my mom" or "because I can" those are the only two I get out of her. I've talked to my husband about getting their visitation changed but he refuses. He tells me we only have to "put up" with her for another year because then she will be at her moms going to school. I'm just at a loss and don't know if I can emotionally handle the next year. My husband and I just recently went to counseling to get it figured out because it's always an argument when it comes to talking about her, and to be entirely honest the only time we fight it's about his daughter or his ex wife and how she treats me.

Michelle - posted on 08/13/2016

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Unfortunately, your husband needs to there more to deal with it. She has probably been told her Mother that she doesn't have to listen to you as well and that is the hardest part.
As a Step Mother there's not a lot you can do and really, she should only be at your place when her Dad is home. It's supposed to be her time with him, not you.
He needs to go back to court and get the orders changed so that he only gets her when he is home. What is happening now isn't working at all.

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