How and When is a gd time to tell daughter the man she calls dad in not her boilogical father

Sarah - posted on 12/23/2012 ( 4 moms have responded )

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I have a wonderful fiance and dad to my daughter that just turn 8 we have been together since she was 1 1/2 she calls him dad and because her biological father hasnt been in her life since she was 8 months old nor has paid childsupport owes over 18 grand how and when should I tell her that the man she thinks and calls dad is not her biological father. Every time I get to this subject it breaks my heart because im scared how she will react to the situation and cry I dnt understand how someone could not care or think about there child and not want to see his daughter. I have no information on her father so i couldnt give her any its like he fell off the face of the earth. We also have a 7 month old baby girl together and she is such a big sister

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Amanda - posted on 01/06/2013

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I have 2 daughters ages 10yrs &8 yrs old. We live with my bf & my girls call him Daddy. They know he's not their real dad & they see their real dad ever other weekend. But my girls tell my bf that he's a much better daddy all the time & that they wish he was their REAL Dad. I agree that u need 2 tell her ASAP. She needs 2 know that although he may not be her dad by blood that will never change what they have & mean 2 each other. That just because he's not her blood dad doesn't make him any less of a dad or mean he loves her any less. Just be up front with her. Yeah she's young but at 8 yrs old children understand more then most people give them credit for. Just make sure u stress that even though he's not her blood father that it doesn't mean he loves her any less & that he'll still always be there 4 her & that nothing will change. As far as her blood father goes tell her that u'll try & find him so that they can met but stress the fact that u hold NO PROMISES that he will ever take on the role of a father in her life. But by showing her that ur willing 2 try & find her father & make him a part of her life ur showing her that U DID EVERYTHING U COULD DO. Yes it may hurt her feelings a little now if he doesn't have anything 2 do with her and 4 that my heart breaks. But then later on he decides he wants 2 be a part of her life he CAN'T fill her head with lies. Saying that he would have been there sooner but u wouldn't let him (which could destroy ur relationship with her) because she'll know that U DID EVERYTHING U COULD 2 make him a part of her life & that it was HIS CHOICE NOT 2 BE a part of her life. I day this because my ex (my girls dad) tried filling their heads with lies about how I abandended them & wanted nothing 2 do with them when they where younger. When what really happened was he came & took them from me when I was in the middle of back 2 back brain surgarys & I was in no point that I could try 2 go after them. But now 5 yrs later they know the truth because they have caught him in so many lies I can't even count but 4 a while it was really hard on my girls & I because they wondered if what their dad said was true. So tell ur daughter everything & let her be a part of trying 2 find him. In the end if he does want 2 be a part of her life she deserves 2 know her real father but if he doesn't it can NEVER be turned around I u so that she'll get mad at u saying u tried 2 keep him out of her life. At least this way she'll know the truth.

J M - posted on 12/24/2012

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As you are the Mum, what you think is best will be the most important thing, under hard circumstances Keep it a positive thing as possible.

Personally feel at a younger age of simple understanding which will be different from child to child) also depending on the whole situation you feel is best what to say etc.

You both are well bonded with your daughter and area happy, you should have nothing to fear, she has also been bonded with the only Father she has ever known, no doubt continue to be her father and feel safe with, no time like the present, be honest with her and explain at a child's level, edited story form or "whatever is appropriate now, little by little"..

When she is older she will be ready and lest have some preparation for other details later, if she wishes to have.


But yes agree with Dove in her end comment.... She is going to find out sooner or later, but if she has accidents etc and needs blood what ever, or she finds out "through others word of mouth, would you like her to know through others first? or from yourself??

She is with you and your husband now, all that counts, as soon as she knows, then turns 18 she then can search if she feels to, however she is under you care and your husband has taken up all the responsibility.

I have a Adopted relations in the family( 2) adopted as babies, grown up now) and always knew their own personal situation first hand.

.... they are adults now etc, one of them had such a happy life, simply recognized that the ones that cared made safe and secure, gave all the care need to flourished where the parents, regardless of blood. But was given opportunity later age over 18 if wanted to see Bio Mother, the adoptee said thank you, no thank you.

Point is sensitivity and timing may be different from person to person how ever "sooner is always better than been a big surprise later".?

It's to know they have other Dad or Mum as well thats all, but most important " is the parents they do know in the "now"who has done everything for them and will always stand by them no matter what, are the parents.

Open and honesty seems to work even if you are afraid, but keeping it a secret from her longer may just snowball in a further avoidable complicated situation. Only you know best. -:) fuss or no fuss.... Since you have asked, means you must be thinking of doing it sooner now-:) ?

So you may have your own answers.

Wish you well.

Michelle - posted on 12/23/2012

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Sooner rather than later would be good, you don't want her finding out from someone else. Just sit her down and explain to her that a dad is someone who is always there for you and cares for you and supports you which is your fiance then explain that she has a father who helped create her but was not able to take care of her so you asked her dad to do it for him.

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