HOW CAN I GET MY FATHER OFF MY BACK??????

Michelle - posted on 12/28/2011 ( 7 moms have responded )

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MY FATHER KEEPS PUSHING ME TO LOOK FOR, AND GET A JOB, HOLD IT DOWN WHILE I AM ALREADY 6 MONTHS PREGNANT WITH MY DAUGHTER. I WILL BE 23 WEEKS TOMORROW. I HAVE TRIED TO EXPLAIN TO HIM THAT I WILL THINK ABOUT LOOKING FOR A JOB AFTER SHE'S BORN, BUT THERE WASN'T GOING TO BE PROMISES BECAUSE I PLANED TO BE A STAY AT HOME MOTHER FOR AT LEAST THE FIRST YEAR AFTER BIRTH. A FEW THINGS I HAVE GOTTEN FROM HIM ON CHRISTMAS DAY EVEN WAS, "YOUR BOYFRIEND ISN'T GOING TO BE ABLE TO RAISE THIS CHILD ON HIS OWN" "YOU CAN'T DEPEND ON COUNTY HELP AND WELFARE ALL YOUR LIFE" "YOU NEED TO LIE ABOUT YOUR WORK BACKGROUND SO YOU CAN ACTUALLY FIND WORK" "YOU CAN'T BE A STAY AT HOME MOM THESE DAYS BECAUSE THERE IS JUST TOO MUCH DEMAND" "YOU NEED TO TAKE SOME RESPONSIBILITY AND FIND A JOB SO YOU CAN HELP YOUR BOYFRIEND PAY THE BILLS" THAT ALL IS JUST A FEW EXAMPLES OF WHAT I HAVE BEEN DEALING WITH AND HE WON'T LET UP AT ALL. I HAVE TRIED TO ASK HIM NICELY TO BACK OFF, BUT HE ISN'T GETTING MY POINT. ANYONE HAVE ANY IDEA'S? I AM FEELING REALLY STRESSED OUT EVERY TIME I HAVE TO TALK TO HIM, AND NOW I AM TRYING TO AVOID HIM JUST SO I DON'T HAVE TO PUT UP WITH IT. I NEED HELP.

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Michelle - posted on 01/06/2012

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Thank you all for your help, I will be trying some of those things next time any of this comes up. I haven't really seen or talked to him since my last post, and now I have seen some really good points. It's all helpful. Thank you again.

Lisa - posted on 12/30/2011

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Not that this excuses his behavior (which is awful!) but understand that men define who they are by their work. In your dad's mind, your bf doesn't make much so he isn't worth much. Lots and lots of men out there can't comprehend why women would want to stay home and what they could possibly be doing all day. And if your dad wasn't around when you were little, he probably has no personal experience to help him understand why it's important to you.

I am saying this becuase it sounds to me like he is (hopefully) concerned about your welfare and sees this behavior as "looking out" for your best interests. So, while he needs a behavior transplant for sure, he does seem to care for you.

My best advice is to approach this the same way you would a young child with bad behavior - because this is childish behavior in the extreme.

Every time you know you are going to see him, plan in advance to get up and walk out as soon as he starts acting up. (Kind of like if a toddler throws a tantrum in the grocery store. Sometimes you just have to leave the groceries and go home.) If it makes you feel better, you can give him one warning. "I'm not going to argue with you about this now. Let's just enjoy dinner." If he crosses the line again, "Oh my goodness, look at the time! Gotta go!" Then walk out. Smiling, of course.

I think that right now you are enabling his bad behavior by letting yourself be drawn into these arguments. Obviously, nothing you do or say is going to change his mind. So stop trying to convince him that you are right. What he needs to learn is that his obstinance is driving you away. Just like with a little child, you may need to do this a few times for him to get the message that you are serious.

I think that it is admirable that you want to have a good relationship with him after your rocky past. You don't need to treat this like you are cutting him off. Keep calling, meeting for lunch or whatever it is you do, but be prepared to cut any visit short that he is determined to ruin. When he starts to figure it out, he'll probably get upset that you are asserting independance, just keep saying, "I love you, Dad, and I want to have a nice visit with you, so I am not going to ruin it by arguing."

And keep smiling!

Kelina - posted on 12/29/2011

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Ask him if he'll pay for daycare because otherwise there's no reason for you to get a job. If he argues with you tell him to go look for a decent daycare that will take two kids for under $1 700 a month because that's how much it costs to have two young kids in daycare so it's far more beneficial for you to stay home and you're managing just fine on one income. If you've already explained all this tell him if you want advice you'll ask for it and you'd prefer to spend your visits talking about other things. If you want to continue being nice anyways. Otherwise tell him to cut it out or get out. This relationship isn't mandatory, he wasn't even there for what 14 years of your life? just because he's your sperm donor doesn't mean you owe him anything.

Bonnie - posted on 12/29/2011

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Just keep pointing out to him that you are an adult. If I am going to make mistakes (not saying you are), let me make them on my own and try to work them out. This is what life is about. Just keep in mind you won't be able to go to him for help down the road.

Tara - posted on 12/28/2011

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You could always point out to him that with the added cost of daycare and commuting, etc., you would probably be working to pay daycare and not getting any extra out of it.

My husband and I did the math when we had our first girl and it was cheaper (by about $18,000 a year) for me to stay home. I did take a course to become a medical transcriptionist and now I work from home just to help out, and because we want to save to buy a house, but with 2 kids now it is WAY cheaper for me to stay at home with them.

Plus, given what you have said about him giving up his parental rights to you, really it isn't any of his business. I would honestly tell him to back off (not necessarily nicely either, but that's just me).

Michelle - posted on 12/28/2011

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It's funny that he keeps being like this because he gave his parental rights up of me when I was only 6 years old. I came to give him another chance when I was 19 or 20 years old, I am now 26, and he thinks he's got full control over everything and that I should do everything he asks. My bf and I can handle a baby on our income, the extra is just extra. It's a nice boost to what we are going to need. he's heard headed and won't listen to a word I say, and I have been smiling and moving on since my first one when I was working with him, It still wasn't enough. I put my hours down to part time, then eventually had bed rest prescribed to me by doctors orders, and my dad was doing the same thing then. First because I dropped my hours in half, (partly because I chose to, the other half because my employer wasn't going to have many hours in a month or so) my father telling me to pull hours back up, and or look for another job, and then when the bed rest came in, he kept asking why I quit..... Seriously, I have been smiling since October of 2009 and letting him push and shove, some I listened to, some I didn't, and when I didn't, we get into serious arguments. I think your response would be more helpful Jane, if my father had better parenting and listening skills himself. I thank you for trying anyway.

Jane - posted on 12/28/2011

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He is worried about you. Babies are expensive and he knows you don't have much income. His comments are an expression of his love for you. Just smile and move on.

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