How do I deal with this?

Veronica - posted on 11/24/2015 ( 4 moms have responded )

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First things first my name is Veronica and I was a single mom for a long time..I just recently met someone in the last 2 years and we're getting married in June of 2016.He has 4 kids and I have 1 so all together we have 5.So he tells me out of the blue yesterday that our 21 year old will be coming home for thanksgiving and bringing his girlfriend with him and that since she doesn't have any family close by that she will be staying with us..At that point I hit the roof,he never asked me he just told me..Out of shock I had to give it sometime go digest so that I could approach this from the right perspective..I asked him if it were our daughter would he allow the boy to spend the night and his response was'of course if they had been in a relationship for a while and I talked it over with both of them..Well at this point I'm upset because I know he's not being honest with himself and I tell him I don't feel comfortable for two 21 years to be sleeping together under our roof..He then responds' I've been doing this with my boys for a long time and I'm gonna keep doing what works for me..Like what the hell does that mean?So upset and hurt because now Your telling me that even though I've treated yours like they were mine now its'I'm gonna keep doing what works for me"mind you now he has a 26,24,21,18 so they're all moved out.How do you think I should handle this?

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Michelle - posted on 11/25/2015

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Why are you still helping provide for an adult? If they have left home then they need to be doing it on their own. If they can't afford to then they move back home with the house rules.
Yes I agree that he should have had the discussion with you. Where would you expect her to stay anyway? They are living together so I'm sure they are having sex. If they aren't already pregnant then they know how to prevent it.

Veronica - posted on 11/25/2015

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Thanks for the response...The situation is my child is 9 and it wouldn't be a problem for me if he had included me in on this instead of just saying 'they're coming and that's it..I feel disrespected and we are talking about two 21 year olds (grown but considered a kid since we still help provide things for him) I just feel like as the woman of the house he should have asked me what I thought of that..Its not being hypocrital when you think of the possible of the respect and this could very result in pregnancy..I've never met,talked to her or even met her parents I'm just really uncomfortable about this..I'm curious at this point where to go with this..

Michelle - posted on 11/25/2015

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I agree with Raye.
They are adults and can make their own choices. You can ask them to be respectful of your home though but keep in mind that you aren't married to your BF yet and are living together. It sounds very hypocritical to not want them sleeping together when you are.
Is it worth the problems it could cause between you and your BF to make a big deal of this? Many couples these days live together before getting married. Also if he has brought up the children like that then why do you think you can just change it?

Raye - posted on 11/25/2015

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His four kids are legal adults. So are you and your fiancé. So you should be able to work it out together. If you and your BF are living together, it was disrespectful of him to make those plans without consulting you first. You share the house, and you should share the decision making. It is also not helpful for him to say, "this is my way, and how it will be". He needs to understand that a partnership sometimes requires compromise. You have a right to be angry. But your anger won't help resolve this situation.

Assuming that the 21 y/o will be staying at your house... why not let his GF stay, too? Again, they are adults. You are shacking up with this guy and having sex before you marry him. Why hold his grown kids to another standard than what you display in your life? I understand why you might not be happy about the kids having hanky-panky in the house. But just ask them to be respectful and discreet about it, and move on.

When I was 19, my BF and I had an apartment together. We were invited to my family's vacation spot in another state (owned by my grandmother at the time). My sister and her husband was there. My mom was there. And my grandmother was there. Since I was unmarried, my grandmother asked that my BF and I not sleep in the same bed, and we agreed. However, we were all up late and he and I accidentally fell asleep on the couch. My grandmother threw a fit. She woke us up, we had a big fight, and it resulted in me and my BF leaving around midnight to drive home. I was so tired while driving that it could have caused an accident, and we had to stop on the side of the road to take a nap, so we could continue driving the rest of the way. I was an adult, me and my BF had an apartment together, and we only fell asleep together, not "sleeping together". But my grandmother's over-reaction caused a rift between us that never mended. I have only gone on one other family vacation, and my grandmother wasn't there.

So, talk to your fiancé about it. Let him know that you would appreciate the respect of being included in the decisions if you are going to share your home and lives together. Then let the kids stay over. You can ask them to be respectful in your home. They are adults and, at some point, you have to treat them as such. Maybe later in life they won't come around as often, and you'll miss the times they did want to be with their family. So make the most of every opportunity now, while you have the chance.

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