How do I find time for myself without help?

Denise - posted on 06/20/2012 ( 17 moms have responded )




I am a SAHM of a very active 2 year old girl and a curious 8 month old boy.I am currently looking for ways to make friends and get out more.Lately I feel like I cant separate who I am from being the wife and mom 24/7.I am like many people who lost most friends since having kids since they dont have any and cant relate.
I also dont have anyone to help me with the kids if I did actually have something to do that didnt involve them.I take the kids literally everywhere with me from dr's appts to the library to return books.My in laws dont spend time with my kids at all.My mom does take my daughter about once a month for like a week but she lives in another city about an hr away.She also refuses to take both kids because she says the baby is too young and she's too old to handle them both.
My husband never offers to keep them for me to get out of the house but complains that I need to get a life.I want to find a job to help out financially and to have something for myself but it's hard enough figuring out a simple trip to the store with 2 little people constantly with me.
I do love being a mom but need to have my own stuff.I've done this without complaining for almost 3 years now but feel like Im losing my mind from lack of adult conversation and cabin fever.I am willing to branch out and meet people but need a reliable person to keep the kids sometimes.Any suggestions?


Viktoria - posted on 06/28/2012




I am concerned about the comments you have regarding your husband. I believe that your concerns should be addressed, especially how he doesn't show affection and yells at your daughter. Ask him what kind of man he wants his daughter to marry. Then tell him that it is a known fact that girls pattern their choices after what is lived before them. If he chooses to ignore her, yell at her, and put her needs last, then he can't complain when she grows up and dates a man that treats her badly. He needs to understand his role in LOVING his children, not just making them, and handing them off. too many guys have been raised with the notion that as long as they make money, they've done their job...
by the way, men CAN be taught, and they CAN change, but they have to be willing, and they have to know that you are on their side, and love them so that they can change.

Denise - posted on 06/24/2012




Thanks again for the comments everyone.To reply to Bethany, I do trust my husband with our kids.I know he'd never do anything to harm them but he does a few things I dont approve of.I dont like the way he yells at our 2 yr old daughter.When he gets home from work she is so excited to see him that she's all over the place.If she tries to talk to him or get too close when he's zoning out playing video games he gets angry.I usually yell back at him and it ruins our evening.Honestly,I am a bit afraid of what would happen if I were unable to take care of the kids.In the event that something did happen to me,I'd probably want my mom to take them.My husband works too much and does not show affection to them the way he should.

I also dont like how much he curses.I'm afraid our daughter will repeat what she hears and think its funny.My hubby tells her do what I say,not what I do-but I think thats confusing to a child that age.

Anywho,on the bright side,I am currently looking for a job.We have discussed it and agree on it.I am looking for FT work and the kids will be with relatives.I explained that I need to have my own life outside of the house.I also plan to get involved in other things for fun like going to a gym or going get my nails done every now and then.When I do these things he will have the kids.I refer to it as him "keeping "the kids because he makes a big deal out of it like I shouldnt ask.He can definitely be a jerk sometimes but maybe things will change when I have my own life.Wish me luck.

Erin - posted on 06/23/2012




Ok first off your husband is a loser (sorry) if he won't even watch his own children once in a while so you can have a break. He sounds profoundly self centered. I suggest you go get the jobyou want (make sure it's during the hours husband is home) then say I'm going to work see ya guys when I get home. Don't ask him, it's your right to go to work and he is a grown man who can watch the kids. When you want to go out and he's home say I'm going out guys bye. Don't allow him to decide if you can or can't go.


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Erin - posted on 07/06/2012




I'm extremely pro active. I'd throw the video game machine in the trash and say "there now you have time for the kids."

Bethany - posted on 06/23/2012




mate, if your dear husband thinks that watching kids isn't hard, then let him prove it. Does he work? Well then when he's not at his work, he's at home, and he's helping you. That is normal, that is healthy. If you can't go out, neither can he. If you want to go out, and he is at home and he is not fixing something or cooking something, then go on out, and stay out as long as you can. Let him see just how easy caring for two kids that close together is.

Your husband does not 'keep' your children for you. He is the father. He gets to do it for no reason at all, except that he loves his wife and wants her to be happy, and he wants a relationship with his kids. He also wants to show what a big man he is, being able to care for two kids at the same time, with no help.

Throw him in the deep end. Do you trust him with your kids? What if you got sick or broke your leg and had a hospital stay? If you die, does he get the kids? sorry to be far-fetched, but you either trust him or you don't. so do the dump and run and get that husband trained.

Rachelle - posted on 06/22/2012




Check for mommy groups or start your own. Put up flyers saying your looking to have play dates. It can be at the park and one you get to know them you can invite them to your house. Check out the local parks and talk to the other moms. Go to a toddy and mommy movie or a mommy and me movie. You could also go to the gym and put the kids in the daycare so you can de stress and they can socialize. Check out the comunity centers in your neighbourhood. Check and see if local churches have play groups. Sit down with your hubby and tell him you need a night out every once in a while. If you want to work talk to your hubby about that so you can figure out a job that works with the hours he's home.

Stifler's - posted on 06/21/2012




Wow that sucks. Make them nap at the same time and read a book or do your nails. You need to go to a playgroup or go to the park in the afternoons to meet other people who have kids the same age. When your husbands home tell him you're going to get milk and not taking the kids then don't come back for like 5 hours and just browse the shops and have a coffee.

Tiffiny - posted on 06/21/2012




what i did was got a job at the local grocery store for the hours that my hubby isn't working so when he works i'm home, when i work he's home..... and when we want quality family time together i just request days off...... it will give u adult time away from kids and extra money just for u..... get a baby-sitter on a day off and splurge urself every once in awhile.....♥

Sharlene - posted on 06/21/2012




Can you join a mothers group and meet other moms, Or have hubby look after the kids one night during the week and go out with friends for dinner, maybe

[deleted account]

When J was young, I organized a mom's book club that coincided with a toddlers and babies story and music time. Moms left the little ones in one room with library staff, and we met in another to discuss the book we are reading (We all read the same book). We meet twice a month. We did once a week for a while, but that was too much for some of us (including me!). We usually dedicate 2 to 4 weeks to each book, but some of them are especially fast reads and only get one week, we play it by ear.

Denise - posted on 06/21/2012




Thanks for all the comments,ladies.I have been looking for mom groups in my area.I tried the mom club one and another one I found in an online search.Unfortunately neither of them have groups in my area.This is a bit discouraging but I suppose like one mom said I just have to be more patient.I probably wont have many options until the kids are in school although that's almost another 2 yrs away.I have decided to start looking for small things like story time at the library to meet other moms or an exercise class for a lil me time.As far as my husband, he feels like I should do everything since I dont work and "watching kids is not hard"as he says.However,he'll have a rude awakening when I have more options and make him keep the kids.I think it'd be good for all of us if I did more for myself.I would have small breaks from the monotony of being a sahm,the kids would get my attention w/o me feeling burnt out,and my husband would be happy to see I have something else to do with my time.Hopefully it'll all work out that way.Wish me luck.

Shelly - posted on 06/20/2012




When my kids were little, I really enjoyed "Morning out for Moms" at our church. The moms got together for crafts and conversation while babysitters took care of the kids. It was always a highlight of my week. See if there is a similar group available in your area.

Another suggestion would be to swap babysitting with a friend or neighbour. Offer to watch her kids for an hour or two in exchange for getting a bit of time of for yourself. If the children are similar age to your 2 year old, it can actually give you a break while you're at home, as they will entertain themselves.

Finally, you should also have a heart to heart talk with your husband. They are his children, too, and it's only fair that he is responsible for them some of the time. If he doesn't offer, ask him. "Would you please mind the children for 2 hours tonight while I do... The baby is fed, all you need to do is play with them." Unfortunately a SAHM is the most unappreciated job in the world. I hope you can convince him to be a more active parent.

Michelle - posted on 06/20/2012




See if there is a MOMS group. Try
It's a nonprofit club geared for Stay at Home Moms. There are weekly activities to get you out of the house and socialize with other moms in the same boat. Good luck!

Jhoanna - posted on 06/20/2012




Hi Denise! I've been in your position for almost 6 years now...I complain a lot with my situation and i usually have a bad temper bec. of stress but lately when my son started schooling little by little i'm getting my social life back...but i still don't have my career since i also don't have someone whom i can entrust my son with...maybe a couple of years ain't that bad till your little ones start schooling then you'll finally get or meet some new friends from school or you can atleast try to relax while they're in school...being a mom and a housewife at the same time is not that easy so we really have to make our patience a little bit longer. If you want to make some money then try searching online jobs where-in you don't have to leave the house and you can still do your chores at the same time earning's easier said than done but i hope i help you a little with this message...take care!

Amanda - posted on 06/20/2012




I go to the gym. I get adult interaction, no talk of the kids, time to myself and I know the kids are being well looked after at the creche the gym provides.
Just one idea, don't know if that would be an option for you.

Do have any mummy friends??? Maybe you could all take turns to watch each others kids and give each other a break.

Look for a babysitter, even if you just use them for an hour at a time. I had one that watched my kids while I did my grocery shopping.

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