How do I get my boyfriend to help out more without it turning into a fight as usual??

Amy - posted on 11/26/2009 ( 11 moms have responded )




I am a stay at home Mom for now and my boyfriend works. When he comes home he is so tired but so am I. How do I get him to understand that I work to; even though I don't get paid like he does.. He wants to stay at home with my daughter and get used to the stay at home life; but he doesn't help with he is at home so I am afraid of leaving him alone with her. What do I do??


View replies by

Victoria - posted on 11/30/2009




Its the same thing for me too...Im 19 and im a stay at home mom with my 3 month old son and its a different kind of situation for me my boyfriend got admitted to hospital a week and a half before our son was born and had to stay in hospital for a week after i was released with the baby. I had the help of my mom and sisters until he got out of the hospital and then he came home he was home for maybe a week and didnt do very much becuz he had a liver biopsy so he couldnt but after a week home he wanted to go back to work so he did and left me home with the baby....well i couldnt depend on my family every minute of every day to do everything for me while he was here so i started getting stressed out about no house being done no dinner being cooked, and i was stressed to the point i wasnt eating becuz all i was doing was everything, everything for my son then everything around the house. So it became a daily fight that he never did anything but then it finally came that "i dont do anything i sit on my ass all day and feed the baby, that staying home isnt that hard and what do i bitch about atleast im not on a roof all day carrying bundles that weigh 20-45 pounds" so i said for him to stay home with the baby for an hour but he couldnt do it. It got the the point where i had to ask him to watch our son while i got a shower, while i ran to my moms or even to just go outside and get some air. We fought day-in and day-out but i finally lost and told him to find somewheres else to live and that he was usless and i cant do it on my own and that he might leave to go to work but i stay home and still work. I have to say he has improved alot since 2 months ago he does cook dinner, wash dishes, feed my son kaleb, change him, bathe him , and takes him so i can go for a walk. But he still has his little outburst but i still love him and tell him everyday thank you for doing whatever he did that day and say how much i appreciate him taking so chores off my back so im not so stressed out......The best thing to do is tell them you appreciate them doing stuff and thank them for doing encourageing like Kristine said men are not naturally nurturing like we woman are so give them a chance to adjust

Andi - posted on 11/27/2009




As much as a father will love their child, no one can care for them like mommy. I used to hear that "I work harder than you do" and honestly, I got sick of it quick. So, I left him home with the kids as often as I could. That was the only way he would see just exactly what kind of work I did. My present boyfriend works hard, then he will come home, wash clothes, cooks dinner some, takes care of the kids (and only one of them are his), and he still makes time for me and him. He has been just amazing! I consider myself lucky to have him. Best of luck to you!

Kristine - posted on 11/27/2009




what i did with my hubby was i left vitoria with him during weekends when i chose to work and he doesnt, they would go out in the park cruise, the first few times he would come to my work so id change a diaper lol! but he eventually got the hang of it and now that i no longer work, if i need to take some time off he sees to it that our baby is taken care of. be patient and understanding, men are not naturally nurturing so we have to teach them patiently

[deleted account]

You need to Leave him alone with the Baby because if you don't do it now he'll never do it. Plus it'll be come a routine that you are the only one that deals with the baby instead of both of you. My husband was kind of the same. He worked long hours and even 2 and a half years later we still bump heads when we look back on that time. Plus your boyfriend needs that alone time for bonding.and whenever you leave. Turn off your phone so he can't phone at the first sign of a cry. Make him take her

Angel - posted on 11/26/2009




i am going thru that same thing right now with my fiance..we have a 8 month old daughter together ...i am a stay at home mom and he works. hes a plumber.he comes home and jumps on the xbox and stays until he goes to bed. ive tryed everything to get him to help me out and nothing seems to help ive yelled.. got mad..(to the point i was in tears!) ....ive just finally given up because he lets it go in one ear out the other. im not sure what to do anymore either so when u find answers let me know! lol

Renae - posted on 11/26/2009




My husband had never changed a nappy (sorry once in hospital when Junior was 2 days old he did) when I first left Junior home with him. To this day he will not change a nappy unless he has no choice, he will leave our baby sitting in poo if I will be home soon. But, our baby was fine. Men need a few hours with a baby to see what its like. If your boyfriend loves your baby, which I'm sure he does, then he will look after her. Not as well as you look after her, but they will figure it out together. I also tried not to correct him, I just let him do it his way, even if it was wrong and the nappy was going to leak, or the milk was a bit too cold or whatever, I had to let him learn for himself. My husband has never gotten up to Junior at night, he has fed him solids about 3 times, maybe put a jumper on him once and once he had to bath him when I injured my neck but he didn't dry or dress him. In general, Junior is my job. But in our case, I always knew it would be this way, that's just my husband, there is no point arguing so I choose my battles. You can't expect a man to change, well not my man anyway!

I also agree with Rebecca, my husband just doesn't put the effort into development or playing or anything that I do. There is no way he could be the stay-at-home person. Plus he would stay at home but never do any housework or cooking! I would still be doing that!

But I would still rather leave Junior with my husband than anyone else, because they love each other and Junior loves spending time with his dad. And that is what matters.

Amanda - posted on 11/26/2009




Why are you 'afraid'? If safety is an issue, GET THE HELL OUT ASAP.If safety is not an issue and If you do have to leave her with him, TELL him, the other things that NEED to be done also. I really hope this helps. If u dont do it now, your b/f will keep walking all over u.

Rebecca - posted on 11/26/2009




Ok so my husband decided to take the parental leave as well and it made more since anyways as he got 95% income where as i only got 55% while on EI so he took the whole time off and it didn't help at all! I went back to work when our son was 6 weeks old and i regret it so much. Yes my husband saw that it wasn't jsut sitting around doing nothing...but that's what he did. Our son didn't learn to crawl until he was 10 months old becuase my husband never put him on the floor to play and do tummy time. He would sit him in his exersaucer while he played video games...don't get me wrong i love my husband to death but i didn't feel he did a good enough job at helping our son develope. When i found out i was pregnant with our second child,when our son was 13 months old, i sold my business when i was 5 months along and decided to do childcare so i was able to stay home with our kids and not have to spend moeny on a sitter. I honestly find it easier now that we have 2 kids for me to get time to myself. Call me weird but i can actually get to the gym 3 nights a week and have that 2 hours to myself and i love it. He sees now that it sin't easy adn with 2 kids it can be more difficult. He still done'st help a lot with our baby but he plays a lot with our son now that he is older and can actually play. Once your child gets older he will want to play more and see that he missed out on alot. The first year of a childs life is by far the hardest on a relationship. Once you get past that first year things will start to turn bac around. Don't give up and even ask him just to keep an ear open so you can get a bath at l;east. With our son that's all the time i found for myself and even that turned in to a screaming match. I promise you it will get easier and jsut keep reminding him that he is missing out right now on daddy daughter time. If you haven't used all your maternity leave yet, get him to start his parental leave now so you can monitor how he will be . Only do it for the last 2 weeks i would suggest of your maternity so he done'st think he's on vacation. Tell him you will just watch and show him how you do things so your daughter can adjust accordingly but reassure him he will do fine and try not to step on his toes. I foudn once i stopped telling my husband he was doing things wrong,which he really wasn't it just wasn't the way i did it, then i found he wanted to help more.

I wish you luck and stay strong! I promise it will get easier and better for the both of you:)

Ginny - posted on 11/26/2009




im kinda in the same boat you are... only my man is italian so it just makes it that much worse lol. Anyway, i just calmly explain to him how you feel... im worried to leave my man with my baby to. So just step by step show him what to do and make him do it while your there with him... untill you feel comfortable with the way he is with her. Then you dont have to feel so bad cuz you watched him do it.

Julia - posted on 11/26/2009




i felt the same way, although i still do most of the stuff for my now two boys, i just left my husband with the youngest one day, he would try excuses like i dont know how to feed him or i cant stand the smell of the diapers, he figured it out. unless your afraid of your childs safty with your boyfriend, she should be fine, she might be a little distressed from having you gone and he might be a bit stressed out from having her by himself but there wont be any harm done to either. leave long enough that he has to atleast change one diaper and do a feeding, this way he has an idea of what it would be like to stay home with her.

Simone - posted on 11/26/2009




1, you need time for yourself, and you partner needs to no that. 2, tell him you have a appointment and you can't take baby with you, so he need to watch her a hour and see what he thinks about that. ar5e you breastfeeding? if so just express some milk and make him feed her and get use to being around her, just make him no it's not easy being home with baby and just need a little time on your own.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms