How do I get my husband to help out at night with our new baby?

Anne - posted on 05/29/2011 ( 7 moms have responded )

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I am a stay at home mom recovering from a c-section. We have a two week old baby boy and my husband will not help at night. He does have a demanding job during the week so I handle ALL the feedings during the week and I am only asking he cover ONE night during the weekend. Last night was the first night he was going to try it and couldn't last more then an hour with out losing it. I have a hard enough time recovering from my c-section and have been suffering with migraines again. I am at a loss of what to do. He thinks that doing a load of dishes and mowing the lawn is all he needs to do. Any advice would be helpful but, please no "He works, your the wife, it's your job" BS because that isn't how it works in this family...



I should add that we do have a 5-year old but he wasn't around for her "baby stage"...

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Eron - posted on 05/29/2011

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First - congratulations on your new addition :) Your doing fab and your right - he's a parent too and just because your not working doesnt mean he doesnt need to do a fair share. let him keep doing the dishes and mowing the lawn tho! because if (or when) you do work you cant be responsible for everything in the home single handed! If he wasnt around for your oldest's baby stage then this is all new to him...just like it was for you once, he needs to learn how to look after the baby and as hard as this is for us mums - men do not do things the way we do, would, or would like them doing. (this is not an insult to men) i know it doesnt help your tiredness much at first but how about trying to keep him company on his first few 'nightshifts'? dont do anything for him, but encourage him and make suggestions if he needs them? and make sure he knows he's doing well and let him see how much his son is enjoying his daddy (tell him if he needs to hear it) alot of dads seem to think us mums are programmed to know everything about babie,s and its got to be intimidating for them to know that while they were at work we started to learn what different cries meant and to understand our baby's routine while they only know what we tell them, he might not be trying to be selfish. You must be tired and its hard to be patient with someone when you expect them to know better, but instead of taking over when you think he cant cope (even if he's annoying you) try to praise him - i'm sure he'll try harder if he thinks he's doing well, + if u tell him u brag to your friends about how good a dad he is - he'll keep trying, good luck, hope it gets easier soon x

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Erin - posted on 05/30/2011

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That's great that it is starting to work. It can be hard too for an infant to switch from bottle to breast. Not every baby, but it happens. I breast fed till she was around 15 months. At some point we just had her in bed with us since it was easiest ;) It's hard to get into a new routine with a baby, especially when they don't have a routine yet ;) I remember coming accross a really good point when my daughter was still an infant. You have a schedule. Your baby doesn't. It has it's basic needs to be met and that is all. You can't fit your baby into your schedule. They don't even know what it means. They just come into the world and need to be taken care of regardless of wether you have any sleep or not (lol) . I'm not saying this to be all " suck it up" because that's the last way I'd want to sound. It just really made me look at it as "wow, so my baby doesn't have it out for me, she just needs me" a really big lightbulb moment for me. Our first was really easy, and she was and still is the complete opposite. But I do believe that Daddy needs to step in and have a role in raising the kids. Which includes all of the duties. If they're not involved it's really hard for them to bond in a way that is so important and crucial to their children. Trust, respect and love comes from raising children and a father needs that from their kids too:) Good luck!

Anne - posted on 05/30/2011

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Update: He was able to get him to sleep all by himself last night and got up at a 3:30 feeding...It's not a whole night but it's a start!

Anne - posted on 05/29/2011

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Thanks everyone for the support...Katherine you defiantly made me laugh...he's gonna try it again tonight, Liz- no he isn't formula fed but he is bottle fed breast milk. I know many breast feeding moms are going to hate me for this but I have TOO MUCH MILK! When I try to feed him from the breast it just pours into his mouth. So I would have to pump, feed him, and pump again. I am pumping at least 70-80 oz a day

Michelle - posted on 05/29/2011

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I'm not sure what will actually work. When my son was born, I had a c section and tried the same deal and he never followed through. I would pump for that one feeding a week and wasted a lot of breast milk because he was too tired and his sleep was more important because he worked. We had our third in November and he has yet to get up with a kid. We have been working out or at least trying to work out more reasonable expectations for what I can actually do and what he is going to have to suck it up and help with. I have migraines too. The bottom line is at some point your poor health affects him too because if you end up out of commission he has to take time away from work so you can recover. Keep on him about it. Don't drop it or let it go. Hopefully he'll eventually get the message. Sometimes you have to practically tattoo it on their heads to get the point across. See if you can get some help from your mom or MIL in the meantime (watch the kids while you nap or something). Good luck.

Katherine - posted on 05/29/2011

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Ok this is going to come out BAD.


What an effing insensitive JERK!!!!!! What is wrong with men? Does he realize you just had MAJOR surgery??????

Do you have your mom or someone else to help you, because obviously he's useless. My husband tried to pull that shit too. People need sleep. It is so dangerous being sleep deprived.

He can handle one night, wtf is his issue? What an ass!!!!!!
God that infuriates me!!!!

[deleted account]

Sorry you're going through this... :(

What do you mean by "lose it"? What does he find difficult about it? Is your baby formula fed?

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