How do I keep my son safe from my past?

Cristyanna - posted on 04/17/2013 ( 6 moms have responded )

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My son's real father is coming back around but he is an alcoholic, abusive and an addict. How do I keep my son away from this man? I have to go after him for child support but I dont want to. I want my son to be away from him and his lifestyle. If anyone has any advice out there plz tell me how to keep him safe from my past mistakes of being with an awful man. He does not know this is his biological father. My fiance has raised him since he was 4 months old. He knows no one else as his daddy

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Unfortunately, you can't keep your son from him unless you can get him to sign his rights over to you, which would also mean he would pay no child support.

If you take him to court for a child support order, they will assign visitation arrangements that you MUST follow. If you do not follow them, he can file contempt of court order charges against you and gain even more custody.

That said, if you can prove to the judge that he is a danger to your child or that the child would be in danger or neglected while in his care, you may only have to allow a few hours of supervised visitation each week. Every case is different. It will depend on the judge, lawyers, and individual circumstances.

Ty - posted on 04/21/2013

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Ok here are my suggestions. He has full legal right to your child especially if you go after him for child support. In some states they automatically grant fathers equal access to children at birth. Because he is coming around it's looking like at some point he will be near your child. The best line of defense is to talk to your son about this before its thrown in his face by this guy or someone in your family or just a random person.

You can explain to your son that it took a man and a woman to make him grow in your belly. That the man that helped you to make him grow is this person and tell him the first name. Explain that he was not able to be his dad but your fiance was right there and decided he would be his father. Your son will ask some questions..you should answer them..simply for example why couldn;t "llll" be my dad...you could say sometimes things just happen that way. you could draw a picture of a little boy and draw a heart in his chest put you and your fiances name in the heart and draw a line to features your son has that looks like the man and tell you son he gave you this or he gave you that and i gave you this or i gave you that..but mommy and daddy meaning u and your fiance are in his heart and love him always. if you son asks about where the guy is just tell him that maybe one day he will meet him and as your son ages he may have some questions but at least he knows the truth and it came from you. talk to your fiance too to make sure he is comfortable with it all.

the worst thing that could happen is someone else tells your son or the man himself tells him...do it yourself that's the best way to protect your son.

Additionally, most states won't keep a man from his child unless he has abused the child...so preppare for the possibility of him maybe having contact with your child...if that happens you can request supervesed visits but again its really hard to get that and sometimes it can backfire when you get the courts involved they can give him half custody which means he gets summers some holidays and half the weekends in the year.

good luck

t

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SAHM1495 - posted on 04/24/2013

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Hi Cristyanna,

You need the support of all possible that you can think of, friends, family, neighbours and authorities. You need them to be on your side for you to feel strong enough to deal with this troublesome man, appropriately.

(You have a wonderful creation, a little child whom you love, from a man you thought was nice at a time.... You are the responsible mother of your little man. It seems, your ex, is not responsible, but that is his choice. I am sure any court would see that you are trying your best to give your child what he needs, the emotional support and good guidance, as any good mother should. So even the court would help you if you needed to keep this man away from your family. Maybe you could speak with a family health visitor to start steps towards keeping this man away with a court ruling, seeing as he would have a detrimental effect to your family. If the man really pushed he could have 'sober' time with your son only if supervised and in a public place for example, maybe you could stipulate - I haven't experience in that , you'd have to do the checks so that you maintain control over what happens, you need to know where you stand with that, rather than have it sprung upon you. Do your checks, stay in control. You've changed your life for the betterment of you and your son.)

Under no uncertain terms will you stand for his nonsense incase of negative impacts on you and your children. You are fortunate that you have moved on and got on with your life. WELL DONE YOU!! You seem to know what is good and right for your little one,regardeless of the past that we cannot change, try to see it as a learning curve and chat if you need, for support and encouragement, motivation to move forward. Talking DOES help! x x x

Ami - posted on 04/17/2013

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Unfortunately Kelly hit it right on the bulls eye. Good luck, and please know that there are many of us out here cheering for you.

Ami - posted on 04/17/2013

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Unfortunately Kelly hit it right on the bulls eye. Good luck, and please know that there are many of us out here cheering for you.

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