How do I make it all work?

Caitlin - posted on 01/05/2012 ( 15 moms have responded )

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I'm sooooo discouraged to bring children into the world at this time, but I really want to have kids. I'm married but my husband works at a deadend job for a small business owner who hasn't given his employees raises in THREE YEARS! I work for a company that gives really nice benefits but I've always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, I've never wanted to do anything else, we've worked to get this far but he won't even look for another job. I don't know how to make it all work, I really hate my job, but I get really good benefits from it, I don't want to work but I do because we have soooo many bills and loans that I can't not work, we know we wouldn't be able to get by on his salary alone but I don't know how to motivate him without being mean or harsh. Can anyone give me any advice?

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Tracy - posted on 01/09/2012

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Some guys just fear change and it does not necessarily mean he's not supportive of having kids. I read that you're going to wait another year and I think that's a great idea. However, don't wait til everything is perfect. You'll never get there! My husband and I were terrified that we weren't ready for a baby, but decided to go ahead and "take out the goalie" :) Things were tough at first, but we have a great marriage so I knew I had somebody to lean on. I did some budget crunching before our son was born and we were able to buy a house and I quit my job all before he came. That doesn't mean things were easy, but we learned to cut back to the bare necessities for a while. Having a baby is a huge life altering decision that should not be taken lightly, but don't over think it either :)

Denise - posted on 01/08/2012

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This may not be what you want to hear but this is my best advice to you.From what it sounds like your husband does not want to have kids.Although you are doing well at your job-it is probably not enough to cover the bills.If you are struggling financially,having children will only make it worse.You need to be stable as a couple before you even consider children.I know what its like to want kids and not be set.If you choose to have kids now and your husband does nothing to prepare for it,he obviously does not support you.This could cause problems in your marriage that are irreversible.I am not trying to be negative but I am speaking from experience.Almost 4 yrs ago,my now husband and I were dating and were that couple who's so in love make you sick.After a while I wanted kids and stopped taking birth control although my bf @the time wasnt ready.He had a decent job and I was in school at the time.Needless to say,I got pregnant and everything changed.Things became harder for us altogether.The stress took a toll on my marriage and we became more like roommates w kids.2 years later I got pregnant again but not on purpose.I just recently had the and we bought a home but can barely afford our bills.Now I worry that my marriage is doomed to fail.Sometimes ppl should think about what will change when they have kids before making big decisions.I love my kids to death and dont regret them by any means but I am woman enough to admit we would've been better off w/o kids.Ultimately you have to make the choice but please be smart about it.I would hate to know someone put themself in a bad situation that could be avoided.I really do wish you the best.Who knows,maybe it'll work out for you the way you want.Either way,proceed with caution.

[deleted account]

I am a stay at home mom for the most part. I work Sat mornings for 4 hours out of the house and watch a friends child 3 days a week. Our family did Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University, really helped get our finances in order so I can stay home longer

Karen - posted on 01/06/2012

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Hi Caitlan,
Yep....been in the same shoes.....
And then my husband got sacked, after the birth of our first son !
OMG
Well, there is a better way?
Have you ever heard of Robert Kiyosaki?
Really worthwhile checking out.....this video

This different way of doing business - may a huge difference in our life - over 11 years ago.....
The beauty is - we never have to worry what is happening with our jobs, or the global financial situation.
This is truly the perfect Business - Why?
Caitlin you are more than welcome to have a lend of the CD - it explains it all in more detail........
Like to know more - you can email me at
ub4me@tpg.com.au
This truly will take the stress out of your life....

Kindest Regards
Karen Walker
Mb - 0409 319098

Chrystal - posted on 01/06/2012

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Well first off I would try and sit down with you husband and really talk over all of it. What are the reasons he won't look for a different job? Does he want you to be a stay at home mom? Does he want kids right now? those would be my big 3 to ask and depending on the answers you'll have a better idea of ways to go. If he wants kids right now and is ok with you staying at home then you have a place to work from. He can look for other or more work. My husband works his 50-60 hour job, gives plasma twice a week, and repairs computers occasionally to bring in the money we need. And/or you can search for ways to make money at home or on limited bases like I clean an elderly couples home once a week and that covers our electric bill every month which helps. You guys can sit down with the bills and try to figure out if there are ways to lower the monthly amount like we combined my student loans so the payment was lower each month even though it will take longer to pay off, we talked with the mechanic just recently when our car broke they agreed to fix it and let us make payment sometimes when you choose smaller businesses they will work with you better. Call all the bill companies and ask if there are ways to lower a lot will work with you. We lower cost by me cooking almost everything myself, using homemade cleaning products, finding free activities in the community for entertainment, and me learning how to shop smarter for the things that a family has to have. Search the web there are a lot of tips for living cheaper without feeling like you are missing out on things. If you look at everything and you really can't not work than that's just the way it is and you need to except that for the time being but you guys can still start working on a game plan to make that goal a reality maybe even by the time you had a baby after all even if you got pregnant tomorrow it's 9 months away a lot can change in that time. Trust me 9 months ago my husband had lost his full time job we were living on a part time minimum wage job and neither of us had any leads on new work looking at being on the streets with a toddler and newborn but now we are back on our feet and doing well enough to have me stay home again so things can change a lot it can get better.

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Caitlin - posted on 01/09/2012

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Kristen, thanks for your advice, I do understand everything you're saying, Let me elaborate on my situation, My husband and I have been married for 4 years, and both have wanted kids since we met, we thought waiting to see if we'd be able to get our priorities straight before was the best option for us. Back in May we got a dog and the same thing happened to us (I am in no way saying that raising a dog is the same as raising kids), we grew apart and became more like roommates and I had withdrawn into myself because I felt like I was underappreciated and couldn't do anything right; recently we started working on getting our relationship back on track, financially we can afford a child if we're both working, we own our house and have no problems paying bills atm, I know with a child that will become increasingly harder so we've decided to wait another year snowball our loans and credit cards to nothing so we only have to worry about the morgage and bills. I have no problem understanding what you're saying and had we had kids when we first got married it would have turned out the same way for us. I'm going back to school so we have something to fall back on when we do have kids, luckily beauty school is only about 10 months of training. I have talked to him about him wanting kids and he confirmed what I've known since we met, he wants kids just as badly as I do, he just has problems with motivation, but I think once I'm done with my schooling that will get him moving since that means concieving is right around the corner, I can only hope for the best and if it doesn't work out, I'll figure something else out, I'm more confident in the new plan than the old one obviously.
Tracy, we don't plan on waiting any longer than another year 5 years is long enough, I know things can't be perfect just better so I'm not up at night worring about whether we'll be able to buy gas or food for the next week, the only reason it's taken this long is because we don't really live within our means, we try to but there's always something to be bought, or someone was naughty and wen't and bought a game or lunch or whatever. Children are blessings not burdens I know you know that but, I don't want to feel like they are, so I'm waiting even though my body is screaming at me. again thanks everyone for all of your advice it's really helped.

[deleted account]

You can message me if you have questions, or find me on facebook. It can be hard to get started but it was really worth it for me. We live with alot less then some of our friends but other then our mortgage we are debt free because we followed the steps. I am excited for you, best of luck!

Caitlin - posted on 01/08/2012

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My parents are currently doing that I actually went over to get their copy of his CDs for myself last night.

Chrystal - posted on 01/07/2012

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My husband loves Robert Kiyosaki. I've never read anything myself but my husband read "rich dad, poor dad" and says the guy really knows what he's talking about. thanks for the video.

Caitlin - posted on 01/06/2012

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Thanks for all the advise, I am definately feeling better now that I know I"m not the only one to ever feel like this, we've decided to put off the baby for another year, till I can get the schooling I need and so he can get into another job by then, you are all right, it is quite a while between conception and birth. I've tried looking for jobs for him but he won't apply somethings always wrong with it. we talked about it last night and I'm going to beauty school before he changes jobs, he's comfortable at this job even though he hates it because his brother is his manager, the owner has a partner, he's a cheapskate anyways and I don't want my husband involved with him anymore. I feel like I can breathe now that I'm not in such a tight time constraint. Again thanks for all the advise I'll put it to good use.

Bernadette - posted on 01/06/2012

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start looking into jobs FOR him! My husband was lazy, stuck in jobs he hated but would come home and complain, and then do NOTHING about it. It used to get me so mad, to the point where I would tell him not to bother to come tell me how shit his day was, because I didn't care anymore since he knew what to do about it, and wouldn't! I started looking in the job section of the newspaper, etc, and when I'd see a job I thought he was qualified for I'd show t to him and make him do up his resume and send it in. The job he has now, he found himself (although it's not as good as we thought, the pay is FAR less that we thought it was going to be based on certain discrepancies in the working hours - basically he thought he was going to working much longer hours than he actually is, thus getting far less pay) but the two before that I found for him and made him apply. He has finally realised he's had enough of being treated like crap and paid peanuts, so even though he's only been at his latest job for a few months, he is looking around again. The pay is barely enough to get us by and it's looking like I'm going to have to at least get a part-time job, but I don't know how seriously he is actuallly "looking". I don't think he's done too much active looking, other than ones in other towns despite the fact that he knows I don't want to move. So once again, I guess it's up to me to keep an eye out for jobs for him. Maybe you can do the same? Don't worry about motivating him, just find the jobs then all he has to do is update his resume and send it in.

Kay - posted on 01/05/2012

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Is there any possibility of you working from home? Or could you work at a daycare center where you could also take your baby. Maybe you could start an in home day care. Is there a chance that you husband could take on a second part time job? Let's face it, it takes a lot of creativity to be a Sahm. The traditional way is to live on what your husband makes. Then you can stretch these dollars with a lot of time and effort on your part( coupon queen, cook everything from scratch, sew, shop sales, do everything yourself, use cloth diapers, sell kids clothes at consignment shops, use powered milk,check out magazines from library,coop babysit, check out videos from library,never buy anything that has to be dry cleaned, buy kids toys at garage sales..wash well,hang cloths to dry outside or in the basement etc). That is what I did. Sometimes it is just not possible financially to be a Sahm. In this case, please do not let that stop you from having children. You can always work toward that goal of staying home but don' t deny yourself one of life's greatest blessings!

Barbara - posted on 01/05/2012

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I had a similar situation, I was working and my husband was layed off....we always wanted kids but kept pushing it off because of finacial stuff, the reality is that weather you have a child or not there will always be bills....once I found out that I was pregnant it was like a fire lit under my husbands butt...lol, he works harder than ever, our son is 14 months old and I have been able to stay home....This may not happen for everyone but there is hope, hang in there!!!!!!!!!

[deleted account]

That is a really tough question. Does he want a child too? Does he want you to be a sahm?

Perhaps you could put the budget down on paper, along with your goals (having a baby, being a sahm) and show him what he needs to do to make it work. Does he love his job? Perhaps he could talk to the owner about buying in as a partner?

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