How do I tell my husband his boss is killing our marriage?

Corrie - posted on 01/24/2014 ( 5 moms have responded )

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I have been with my husband for 7 years but married for 2 years. My husband is a very hard worker, he is the head cook/kitchen manager for a small restaurant. He gets paid salary of 550.00 a week before taxes, but hears the kicker...he works 60 to sometimes 70 hours a week. His boss (aka the other woman) has him there from 10am to 11pm and sometimes 12am. He only has one day a week off and this week his boss is making him go to Gainesville to renew his food manager's licence which he has to pay for, 30$ on his only day off. This test is a 6 hour course and test plus we live an hour from Gainesville, so we are looking at an 8 hour day with no pay. When I try to tell him how I feel about what she does to him all the time, he gets so angry with me and says he is tired of me breaking his balls for working. I can't deal with it anymore. He is never around and we have no sex life because he is to tired, and we have 3 kids. We never go out on dates because we can't ever afford it. I have tried to have jobs but because his is so demanding I have to reschedule my entire life around his job. What do I do? Do I leave him because his job will always come before me and my feelings, or do I continue on being the only one in our marriage trying to make it work? Oh and for any who think I might just be complaining about something minor......He left me in the hospital right before I gave birth to our son, to work a catering job on his day off which only paid 100 dollars for 12 hours.......These are the kind of things I just can't wrap my head around.

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Chet - posted on 01/27/2014

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Your husband's boss is not killing your marriage. If your husband has a drinking problem, is actively trying to avoid coming home and is answering personal ads on Craigslist he is doing damage to your marriage. This isn't about his boss at all.

That said, you got two very reasonable responses based on the information you provided, and then you flew off the handle and painted a completely different picture in your follow up post. I do understand that this situation is hugely difficult and upsetting... and I'm not judging anybody, but very honestly, I suspect that the problems you have run deep and you both probably have some work to do to improve this relationship.

At this point, the only thing I can offer you is that being angry is not going to get you anywhere. That, and you really do need to work on solutions together. You need to find a way to connect again and to be a resource and a support to each other. My guess is that you really need to understand why your husband does what he does if you're going to figure out how to get him to stop.

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Susan - posted on 01/28/2014

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Siigh, it does sound like its your husband and not your boss. U reallly need to connect to him and obviously that is not going to happen that easily from what ive read. Can u both try mediation? They are good. Just had a session with the ex there, and they can really help u both talk about what is 'really' going on inside.

Good luck hun
xxx

Corrie - posted on 01/27/2014

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Chet......I have not put it all out there for you to judge me on his working habits. Did I mention this is also a bar which when my son was just 15 days old my wonderful hardworking husband stayed at work until 4am and didn't come home until I went and DRUG him home..DRUNK...You don't know what I have had to endure with my husband. He answers personal adds on Crags list.......Last week he worked 77 hours in 7 days and guess what.....for 27 of those he was paid NOTHING when I had a 100 dollar job lined up for myself which I had to give up because he decided to work on his day off for free.....So yes I would say we can afford for him to turn down 100 dollars to be with me in my time of need in the hospital. I am tired of this all being one sided....and yes Susan, I have done all of the things you have suggested, he gets better and works on it for a week and then it goes right back to the way it always is....Please don't get me wrong, my husband is one of the best employees ever I understand he is a hard worker....he is having health issues and canceling his dr apps. to work for others. He is no spring chicken....42 years of age. I love my husband very much but do you know how hard it is to be in a marriage where you are the ONLY one that cares enough to even try to fix what's broken instead of pretending nothing is broken at all because your never home to see it?

Susan - posted on 01/25/2014

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I know us woman like to have our man at home to love, help out with the family, etc. So as another woman, I understand where u are coming from.

At least you have a decent hard working man, so you're very very lucky in that area. There are so many deadbeat lazy men/fathers out there who wouldnt work an hour, let alone all the hours your man puts in.

Men think differently to woman, and I hope u realize that what he is actually doing is a manly thing – providing for his family. If u take that away from him, you're stripping away part of his manhood. Therefore, if you want him to work less, then what you need to do is 'inspire' him to come home early, work less, find another job. Being upset with him will only drive him away.. he'll wonder why you dont understand him, he'll feel less manly in your company, and there will be huge problems. Men want to feel like men! Especially to their woman. In his case, he is clearly focusd driven with work as most men are.

I would start and and write down all the things you are grateful for in him, in the wage he brings, in his fathering, the sacrifice at home with his family, etc. I would write a list of these things every day and put good feeling into it as you do. This will help you feel happier towards him rather than stressed/upset/angry. Then after a while, start and voice your gratitude to him for looking after the family, for keeping a roof over your head, etc. Tell him you're proud that he's a hard worker and hope that oneday he can be home more often. In time, you'll get your man inspired to feel like a man at home too. Remember, if he is focused on being with you at home, then he'll do something career-wise to be there. U have to back him up with your support tho, however, tough it is on you.

Good luck as I understand its a tough one.

HUGS

Chet - posted on 01/24/2014

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Can you afford for him to turn down work, even if it's only $100? $100 buys a lot of groceries. $550 a week before taxes is not a lot of money to support a family. It's hard to imagine going to work when your wife is in the hospital having a baby, but I know people who've had to do it... and he may be feeling real pressure to provide financially for his family.

Can he lose his job if he isn't properly licensed? Doesn't he need to renew this license for work?

I think you need to work on a solution together. Being angry at him when he's clearly working hard for his family pits you against each other... and with three kids, not a lot of money, you on your own a lot, and him working his butt off, I don't think you have the time and energy to waste fighting. You need to pull together to improve your situation.

Does he have sufficient experience to find a similar job with better pay and hours? He probably doesn't have much time to do a job search, could you help with that?

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