How do you bear staying at home?

[deleted account] ( 6 moms have responded )

I have been on my own since I was 15. I married out of ignorance at 16, and got pregnant, dropped out of school.....However not wanting to be like the people that were before me I went back to school and graduated. I went to college, and eventually left and divorced my husband who was a doper with a teen's personality. He had a long list of issues. I dropped out of college and began working, became and entirely different person and eventually became a police officer. I met my now husband while I was in that field. He is an officer as well ( for a dept. that was over 100 mi away.) When we married he adopted my (now our) daughter who had just turned 3 at the time. I moved because my dept had a lot of issues (politics is heavily involved in policing here in Al) and he had more opportunities. It became an issue for both of us to work in this field because of the emotional toil it was taking on our daughter. It's long hours and there are no such things as holidays for cops. So I quit. (to give you a better idea of my personality, if any of you watch desperate housewives I am a cross between lynette and Brea). It has been very hard for me to be a stay at home mom, esp having to constantly hear about all my husbands adventures. I am now pregnant, nearly 5 months. We live in a city that is overrun with trashy classless people. We have no family here. They all live in different states. We have money but as with everyone these days, its limited. I am just having a really hard time coping. My husband is not abusive or, bad. He's a good provider. He's educated, and loyal. Like a typical male though he doesn't do much cleaning. He's very slow to get things done. As silly as it may sound. Its feels degrading to pick up his dirty laundry off the floor. We had the same job and I was much more capable at it. (It was no secret between the 2 of us, we both knew it), and I just feel reduced, degraded and trapped now. I hate the city where we live, but he is still under contract here (which means he's stuck until the end of next year). I feel lonely and in this city there aren't really people here worth meeting. He doesn't seem to get the way I feel. We have began arguing a lot lately. He knows I am growing more resentful and I think it makes him feel angry/helpless. I don't really know what to do or say. I know these feelings are not conducive or constructive but logic almost never agrees with feelings.

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[deleted account]

Sweetie, your feelings are valid and you are not alone. I would try an attitude change. I'm not saying that disrespectfully to you. I just want to give you an idea.



When you do something that feels degrading think to yourself that you are doing something only YOU can do. YOU can make your house a home by cleaning and cooking. YOU can make your daughter laugh and teach her colors and shapes and numbers and letters. Think about how much happier and healthier YOU are making your family.



This may sound silly, but everyday when you get up, take a shower, put on makeup and dress neatly. It will make you feel so much better! When you do housework, put the radio on your favorite station and sing away. And make an effort to get out of the house everyday! Go to the grocery store, the library, the park, the mall, go anywhere for even just an hour. It's refreshing.



This may be hard, but if you change your attitude you will start to feel better and eventually become more content as a SAHM. In time your husband will notice that you are happier and that will rub off on him. He may even start picking up his own dirty underwear. You can't change him, but you can change YOU!



I hope this helps you. It won't be an overnight change, but its worth it. And perhaps in time you can go back to work!

6 Comments

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Breanna - posted on 03/20/2010

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omg you descibed me more perfectly than anything, ive been uncapable of finding the words. i hate being in my house, love taking care of my child but as well as the city being crappy its cold so i cant really take my 3 mo old anywhere but i agree its terribly degrating, my fiance cant even muster up the strenght to get himself a plate of dinner that is when i feel belittled...wow

[deleted account]

I agree with Sara, not in a mean way, but I think you are focusing too much on the negative and too little on the positive. You have to stay busy, being a mother is now your career--you may have been a better cop than you husband, and that's great, but you are also a better mother than he is and that is what your kids need you to be right now.

Stay busy and treat staying home like a career you care about, not just a job you do so your husband can do his--being a mother is WAY more important than being a cop. Get involved with your daughter, after all she is going to want to have friends when she starts school. I have my son in Little League & Taekwondo, I organize a mom's group, we take classes at the art museum, library and children's theater. We are blessed to live in a town with a zoo, a planetarium, and tons of parks. It is very easy to meet knew people, have adventures, and do things that are worthwhile and meaningful with your daughter.
While your city may be filled with people not worth meeting, there are bound to be a few there who are worth meeting--after all, you are there, and you are worth meeting, right?
Besides, you said that your city filled mostly with "classless people," and if you go back to work, your kids would have to go to daycares taught by those people. You don't really want that do you?

Carolee - posted on 03/20/2010

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I feel the same way. I never did before I was pregnant (also about 5 months along), and that has a LOT to do with it. It's just hormones for me... and the fact that the only conversation I have on a daily basis is about Mickey Mouse or Spider Man!

Christina - posted on 03/20/2010

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I don't think I could've said it any better Sara! I'm 27, and have worked every day since I turned 16. I've always enjoyed working, and had started what I thought would be my life career 2 years before I became a SAHM. We had our third daughter (not planned), and it was just not financially possible to do daycare anymore. It was a huge adjustment at first, hell I'm still adjusting, I've only been at home for 5 months now. But we are doing the most important job anyone can do, and I truly believe that. It's hard, challenging, and tests my patience everyday, but the reward is so much greater than anything I've ever gotten out of the working world. I also know what it's like to live somewhere where you don't want to be with no family. I wish I had some magical answer to make you feel better about it but really, there isn't one. Just look forward to the time when your husbands contract is up and you can move, it may seem like a lifetime away, but before you know it that day will come. I shared a lot of your same feelings, but I changed my attitude. If you ever want to vent, or chat or anything I'd be glad to lend an ear! Hang in there!

Ala Ala - posted on 03/20/2010

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first of all just breathe....

it's understandable how you feel, it does not help that you are pregnant too. we all know that we are hormonal and more emotional when we are pregnant, well, i was :)

one thing you should do is define how you really feel. what you like and don't like and what drives you crazy. adn what would make you happy.

talk to your husband about house chores, and the little things he can do for you that would help you a lot.

talking really helps. especially when we have good husband but are clueless about how we feel and want. that's what my husband says. he hasn't a clue what i want until i tell him straight out. it is better to talk to your husband while your mind is clear so that you don't keep it all bottled up and end up hurting him without you really meaning it, or worse you just might mean it.

talking is a good thing.

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