how do you respond to a husband who goes out with friends....

Dara - posted on 08/21/2009 ( 23 moms have responded )

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and leaves you at home with the baby? its our friends but there were fumes that i didnt want Dani around.

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Natasha - posted on 09/28/2009

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It is hard. I have 4 children aged 11, 9, 3 and 1. My first night at home from the hospital with my first baby, my partner went out with the boys and came home a dribbling mess. Not a great start to parenthood! He continued going out every weekend as he had always done, leaving me home with the baby and a growing resentment. So much for equality and sharing the load! Halfway through my pregnancy with the second we separated because i couldnt cope with it anymore. By the time he was born i ended up with bad case of depression and struggled with 2 under 16months while their dad was having a great time with his mates. We stayed in close contact and he saw the babes often and eventually we moved in together again. He still went out but not quite so often.Things improved and we started to go out together more. By the time number 3 came along he had settled down and only went out once in awhile, and i got to get out with my friends also. We finally got married when she was 1. Now we have number 4 and things are pretty darn good. We both get to go out seperately, and every now and then we are lucky enough to get someone to look after 4 children so we can get out together, which is something that we have found very important to keep our relationship going strong.

My husband is great now but we had a lot of tough times to get through to get to this point. And no matter how much i begged him and fought with him about it, he just wasnt going to cut it out until he decided he was ready to grow up, and ready to listen to what i was actually saying to him. (He used to think i just didnt want him to go out but he never realized i just wanted a break too, and that it shattered me to be left alone all the time. I used to be fun too. Im more than just a mother!)



I hope your man doesnt take as long as mine did to come around.

You both need your own "me" time as well as time together.

Good luck :)

Sara - posted on 08/22/2009

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Is he generally an equal parent when he's home? I think that it would agitate me if it was an every-weekend thing or if he wasn't around a lot. But if he's a good parent, and it's an occasional thing (once a month?), I'd probably just think of it as something that he deserves. As long as *I* get my off-time too if I request it. I think I'd also possibly resent it if I never got alone time with my partner or if he and I never went out.

As long as things remain balanced, I'd be okay with it. It's all about balance.

My soon-to-be ex husband begrudged me showers and that extra hour of sleep in the morning. So I wasn't too pleased to feel like I was a "babysitter". He'd also only watch my son if he felt that I was "getting work done", never so that I could just have some time to myself.

There's a reason why he's soon to be an ex. And it wasn't that he went out with friends. It's that he made me feel inconsequential, like I was a single mother instead of half of a parenting team. Like if he watched my son he was doing me a favor.

As long as there is balance, I wouldn't be angry though. If there's no balance, you might want to talk to him about how you feel.

Tammy - posted on 08/22/2009

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OMG - I am going through the same thing but mine never stopped, I'm on my second child now. What do you say when he says "but I work hard" of course I couldn't say anything. It sucks when you don't work, and he's the one bringing home the $$. Do I not work at home, do I just sit and eat bon bons at home? Anyway, I can't cope with this issue either. We talked about this, but it still comes down to he feels the need to go out once a week, because he works hard! The worst part is I wish I can do the same, first of all I don't have any GF here because I moved here from SD so all my friends are down there. Then, I feel guilty or too worried that my husband can't take care of the kids the way I like it. He has no patience when it comes to feeding. I feel for you girl. Sometimes I think this will either break it or make my marriage. For now, I just say screw it and just let him go because I can't win anyway. I don't need the extra headache and aggravation. Take care and Good Luck!

VILMA EVETTE - posted on 08/26/2009

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I have dealt with that and i just dont take it pearsonal...just like we need me time, my hubby needs boys time

Tina - posted on 08/25/2009

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DEMAND your nite out too. He can stay home with the baby too. My husband and I had this fight (several times) I finally just explained to him that being home alone with just kids was starting to cause some depression and lonliness. Depressed mommies aren't good. To be a good mother and a good wife you need to have a social life away from the kids. When it comes to our childless friends we've kind of developed a tradition of them coming to hang out at our house after "bedtime" if there are any smokers they can smoke on our front porch as we don't allow it in the house.

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Ks - posted on 02/03/2016

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My daughters father is home but i can't really say hes the greatest at helping i work i wake up at night i watch her while he leaves after i work and that's anywhere from 8-12 hours while hes gone. he dosnt work others work for him. He just waits for a phone call, its more a hobby. Its hard i am stressed exhausted and never go out. I dont have time to shower paint my toe nails and half the time i don't even want to cook dinner. Im tired

Deborah - posted on 08/26/2009

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Its not babysitting when its your own child!

There was a thing I saw a while ago about how much a mummy would be making if she was paid for being a stay at home mum and guess what it was about £38k so not bad really. Mums need time off too and if your hubby is off for a night out with the boys then dont be mad at him just make sure you have a night off too. Do you have anyone that can watch baby for you so you can both have a night out together? Even going to see a movie or dinner makes all the difference.

Lydia - posted on 08/25/2009

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Experts say that a stay at mom mother needs 1 hr of relaxation per day. But what does that mean? It means since mom does not get a lunch break or a break, that after daddy comes home and daddy has been feed, and has relax a little mommy could ask daddy to watch baby while she gets to enjoy a bath, read or goes to target for a quick shopping run. If this is the 1st baby for both of you, daddy might be a little bit scare about taking care of baby. You are the only one who knows your husband....does he has a temper ...does he comes home after a hard days work, is he frustrated. My husband was a little bit scare and frustrated since he had all my attention before and my Ian took all of it once he arrive. Parenting and marriage a job for two. It is ok for him to go an see friends, but you need to see your friends also. You also need time as a couple. I remember the first time my husband stay home with our baby, he call me

3 times before I even got to the store which was 10 minutes away from the house. So talk to him..see what he has to say. He just might one some mommy and him time.

Tania - posted on 08/25/2009

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I'm curious WHY is it baby sitting when the father of the child watches his own children?

Crystal - posted on 08/25/2009

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Hello, I went through the same thing when my son was born. I would get really upset when my husband would go out with his friends after I had been home all day alone with my son. If my husband had time with his friends the next day I would go get a pedicure with one of my girlfriends and my husband would watch the baby. It would help to relieve the stress and would give me my me time. You need time for yourself. If you dont want to leave your daughter too long ask your husband to watch her while you take a long hot bath. Or read a book for an hour. Put him on babysitting duty for a bit and trust me it will help.

Jeanne - posted on 08/25/2009

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Are they mature and ready to have children? Thats a question every woman and man needs to ask themselves before sleeping with someone. Even if they are married to the person. He is not going to grow up and be ready to be a father until he is good and ready no matter what you do. So that is just something that is going to put more stress on your shoulders if you allow it to. Just worry about your child because you will go crazy if you don't.

Michelle - posted on 08/24/2009

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Hi Dara,,First do not let this become a habbit..Then hubby needs to know he gets to stay at home with the baby while Mommy goes to dinner with a friend or a movie?? Or daddy needs to get a sitter(family member) to stay with the baby so Mommy and Daddy can enjoy friends TOGETHER or ALONE!!! But Dara you need to make time and shower,do your hair,a little makeup and put on something casual!! Then Daddy will really want to take Mommy out ;) Much Luck,,,Michelle mother of 2.....P.S. Never turn this into an argument the baby can feel when you are upset,,and will only cry and give you a hard time!! So daddy goes out,take a nice bubble bath lite some candles,paint your toe nails!!! Show him you didnt mind he went out,,,,,,(if he comes home at a resonable time) then make him get up at the 3:00am feeding!!!! "GOOD LUCK" Dont feel streesed,,use reverse physicology,,be nice and take that 10 minute hot shower!!!!!

Corinne - posted on 08/22/2009

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I know exactly what u are going through but when my husband going through but the only thing i do is compromise like sometimes when he goes out with his friends then i tell him when u come back or like tomorrow we got to do something as a family

Jean S - posted on 08/22/2009

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Hi Dara...as like all the prev mothers have said we all go through I went through it as well from our first child to my 2nd and then my twin boys...boy it was tough...but in my situation we were living with my parents at the time...nd he thought that becoz we were there it was ok for him to go out and do the same thing he use to do wen he was single...but I honestly think it's a guy thing you know wat they say 'old habits die hard'..wen he was home it was good but i had the support of my parents...it's hard for them to see that wat we do is not easy...but keep telling him that it wasn't just you that wanted a child it takes two to tango and he needs to do his half of the work...becoz your day does not end wen baby is aslp....it keeps going...be strong and pray for the strength to keep going and for putting up with their childish ways.

Brooke - posted on 08/22/2009

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if only i had the answer myself. it seems they only want to be ''HAPPY FAMILIES"" when its ok with them i think they just need to grow up that lil bit more

[deleted account]

Hi Dara,

maybe you should do the exact same in return, maybe then he'll realise it aint easy doing it on your own..i would 100% do it, he needs to know what it is like for you to be on your own doing things with out him..He'll say all the stuff he is missing out on, when he is out with his mates...

[deleted account]

Talk to your husband about it, calmly. I personally didn't have a problem with my husband doing that once in a while. I realised it made him more relaxed, so usally I just told him to have fun. On the other hand I also go out leaving him with the kids. When they were younger I just used to go to a friend around the corner for 2 hours or so (I was breastfeeding so couldn't go for longet at that stage or further). We both enjoy doing things together as a family but we also like to have our own time. We always made sure the other person is alright with the individual plans and at the early stages we had an unwritten agreement we don't do it more that once a month. I hope the 2 of you will come to an agreement that will work for both of you. Some times being alone with friends without the partner and/or kids is doing womders to the soul. Osnat http://maaslife.blogspot.com/

Bleu - posted on 08/21/2009

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Your baby is still young so this is going to be a tough one. Since Dani's only 2 months old most of the time you will be the most important person for her to be with. Sometimes men are left out in this way and they resort back to their social escapades to feel more important or valued. If friends are smokers this only complicates things. Smokers often don't recognize the damage their second-hand smoke has on everything and everyone around them which results in having to meet on neutral ground outside of the home. This also means you will be stuck at home unless you can all go to a restaurant which is non-smoking and where friends and husband will be helpful in ensuring that you get a chance to eat while they hold the baby (pass the baby!). When you are feeling left out and stuck at home with the baby it's time to research local Mom groups that meet regularly so that you can have a social life/outlet and it's also time to divide up me time with your husband and tell him what you need and feel. I've heard that some couples designate days- for example- he gets Tuesday nights out and you get Thursday nights out and once a month you get a date night where you can trust the little one(s) with someone for an evening out. There's no quick and easy answer for this of course so just be comforted in the fact that you are not alone in this dilemma and that the first few months after childbirth are the most trying, exhausting, and emotional time (at least it was for me!) and sometimes men miss the mark on how much support a woman needs emotionally and physically. Let him know how important he is and that his presence is needed in the home.

Arba - posted on 08/21/2009

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hi Dara, i went tru that too. i had 4 kids and its frustrating most of the times when he's out & im left alone with kids... luckily for me my depression is not too serious... after a long talk now my hubby tries to find time, to have a date with me after all our kids are asleep.. that helps lessen my stress... hope something will work out for u...

Dara - posted on 08/21/2009

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Quoting karen :

i went through the same thing, but i realized that my husband need to want to be a dad before he stopped. not sure if thats what your going through


hes great with her most the time

Karen - posted on 08/21/2009

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i went through the same thing, but i realized that my husband need to want to be a dad before he stopped. not sure if thats what your going through

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