How does the parents relationship affect the child when there's a two family situation?

Cedria - posted on 12/21/2009 ( 8 moms have responded )

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How do you maintain a relationship with the stepkids mother, when she doesn't respect the father and his wife? Where does the kids stand?

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Cedria - posted on 12/22/2009

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Thanks!!!! I will take all of your advice into consideration as I have been doing. It gets frustrated at times, and I just want to get out of the whole relationship. I love them alot and I respect the fact that they share kids together, but at the end of the day I'm the one whos not getting the respect from the other MOTHER!

Cedria - posted on 12/22/2009

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Quoting Misty:

My husband and I have a lot of issues with his ex-wife saying bad things about us when the kids are with her. She tells the kids that "daddy was mean to me so we're not married anymore." (TRUTH: She was cheating on him and ended up pregnant.) So we have to deal with questions like," why were you mean to my mommy; will you and mommy ever live together again?" it's never easy to hear these questions. Especially being the step-mother. I feel like the kids sometimes feel like I'm not good enough for their father. We try to explain (as well as you can to a 7 & 5 year old) what really happened and explain to them that even if mommy and daddy aren't together anymore, they still love them and now they have a step-mom who loves them too. As far as "dealing" with the ex-wife, we try not to lol. We trade information about the kids when needed, make visitation arrangements and thats where it ends. We are civil at best and it's what works for us and for the kids. If we do have a fight or disagreement it stays between us and doesn't involve the children.



 



Thanks Misty for the advice, but it's reaaly difficult at times.  I don't think we will ever be able to sit at the same dinner table together LOL !!!!!! I will try to continue to bring peace for the well-being of my kids and my step kids.  Thanks again





 

Cedria - posted on 12/22/2009

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Quoting Kelly:

I've never been divorced, but I have worked with lots of kids in lots of different capacities over the years (child care, Sunday School, coach, substitute teacher, room mother, foster parent, etc), and I have seen (but it is extremely rare!) divorced parents who can maintain a decent relationship for the sake of their kids. I don't know how they do it, but it is soooo worth the effort when you see how much happier the kids are!! Please keep trying, for the sake of the kids! They will always appreciate it, and be so much better off. Good luck to you.



 



Thanks Kelly for the advice, and I really need all the luck dealing w/this one!





 

Cedria - posted on 12/22/2009

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Quoting Christina:

This is very dificult ques. Thus because no one including you know's what went on between the father and mother to make their relationship so ruff... as for the kids, It's a really bad thing, The kids are going to resent both parents at the end of the day for not being atleast civil. They don't have to become best friends, but there needs to be a respect from both parties. The children are going to respect their parents as their parents respct one another. Another thing is that these kids are going to think it's okay for them to be direspectful to their other halfs when they get to that age in life. As for mentally, you might want to pay clos attention, the parents are most likely being to worried about hating one another t be able to see that the kids are missing ot on alot of positive things in life. The children may begin to be very quit and closed in, they may begin to be very nasty to everyone around them and present anger in different ways, and they may seem fine, but inside they're prob. hurting. If these parentsdon't grow up and get over the fact that they hte one another, these kids are going to live an upsetting life... This is soooo... sad, but now a days, so very common and still the parents aren't opening their eyes to see what they are doing to these kids... you may want to suggest to you husband that he should have the kids in family therapy so they can open up to someone... they'll open up to a stranger before anyone in the circle, they don't want to upset anyone... and they don't wantt to have to take sides!!!



 



Thanks Christina for the advice





 

Kelly - posted on 12/21/2009

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I've never been divorced, but I have worked with lots of kids in lots of different capacities over the years (child care, Sunday School, coach, substitute teacher, room mother, foster parent, etc), and I have seen (but it is extremely rare!) divorced parents who can maintain a decent relationship for the sake of their kids. I don't know how they do it, but it is soooo worth the effort when you see how much happier the kids are!! Please keep trying, for the sake of the kids! They will always appreciate it, and be so much better off. Good luck to you.

Misty - posted on 12/21/2009

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My husband and I have a lot of issues with his ex-wife saying bad things about us when the kids are with her. She tells the kids that "daddy was mean to me so we're not married anymore." (TRUTH: She was cheating on him and ended up pregnant.) So we have to deal with questions like," why were you mean to my mommy; will you and mommy ever live together again?" it's never easy to hear these questions. Especially being the step-mother. I feel like the kids sometimes feel like I'm not good enough for their father. We try to explain (as well as you can to a 7 & 5 year old) what really happened and explain to them that even if mommy and daddy aren't together anymore, they still love them and now they have a step-mom who loves them too. As far as "dealing" with the ex-wife, we try not to lol. We trade information about the kids when needed, make visitation arrangements and thats where it ends. We are civil at best and it's what works for us and for the kids. If we do have a fight or disagreement it stays between us and doesn't involve the children.

Terry - posted on 12/21/2009

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Greatly! No matter what the issues between the parents...the children have been through enough! DO not add the pain of the strain between you and ex on the children. Remember, the children are the innocents here. They still love both parents and they did not ask for nor deserve the split up! Forget about the diffenrences between you and your ex...it is over, remember your children and make it as easy, smooth and loving as you can for them. My ex and I set aside our differneces on the boys birthdays and both his new family and mine go out to eat on their birthdays so they do not have to divide that special day. This can apply in other areas of their lives.

Christina - posted on 12/21/2009

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This is very dificult ques. Thus because no one including you know's what went on between the father and mother to make their relationship so ruff... as for the kids, It's a really bad thing, The kids are going to resent both parents at the end of the day for not being atleast civil. They don't have to become best friends, but there needs to be a respect from both parties. The children are going to respect their parents as their parents respct one another. Another thing is that these kids are going to think it's okay for them to be direspectful to their other halfs when they get to that age in life. As for mentally, you might want to pay clos attention, the parents are most likely being to worried about hating one another t be able to see that the kids are missing ot on alot of positive things in life. The children may begin to be very quit and closed in, they may begin to be very nasty to everyone around them and present anger in different ways, and they may seem fine, but inside they're prob. hurting. If these parentsdon't grow up and get over the fact that they hte one another, these kids are going to live an upsetting life... This is soooo... sad, but now a days, so very common and still the parents aren't opening their eyes to see what they are doing to these kids... you may want to suggest to you husband that he should have the kids in family therapy so they can open up to someone... they'll open up to a stranger before anyone in the circle, they don't want to upset anyone... and they don't wantt to have to take sides!!!

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