How often does your husband/boyfriend go out? Verbal/Emotional Abuse/Depression

Kate - posted on 11/19/2013 ( 1 mom has responded )

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Okay so I have been having a huge issue with the amount of time my boyfriend spends gone out with friends, drinking, at the bar etc. A little background information: I'm 26, he's 35. We have been together 6 years and have a 2 and a 3 year old. When we first got together, we spent all of our time together as most couples do. If one of us was going out to a bar or drinking, the other always came with. I moved away from my hometown to be with him, about 3 hours away. We've lived here 5.5 years and I had made some friends when I was in school or at various jobs but most of them moved back home after school, or lost touch. I have no family here and no close friends. In the last month I have recently started occasionally hanging out with a girl he introduced me to that he had met through work. Our relationship has been very rocky since the beginning with a lot of verbal and emotional abuse issues. Anyways, it seemed that when I got pregnant with our first child, things with him changed a lot. I found myself at home very often alone while he was out with friends. Before I became pregnant and while pregnant with my first, we argued a lot and I would go and stay with family or friends for a few days. When my son was 1 month old, he basically kicked me out of our house and I went to live with my grandmother with my son for 1 month, then came back. I stayed for about 4 months before another argument happened and was asked to leave again. A month later I found out I was pregnant. We tried to work on our relationship living separate but I was not confident it was improving and ended up staying with family until I was 8 months pregnant with our daughter, I moved home. I had my daughter and things were okay for a while. He rarely went out and spent most of his time at home with me and the kids. We then moved to a new home that March and things were pretty good for a little while. He does have a bad temper and is very abusive when he is angry. In May, he kicked me out again and the kids and I stayed with his mom until July, when I came back after he asked me to and promised to change. We were here until mid-September until he asked me to leave again. Again I came back near the end of November. Things seemed to improve, he was keeping his anger more in check. Then in May of this year, we had a big fight over me wanting to keep a little more money from my income than he wanted me to. The fight turned to him being physically abusive in front of our children. I called his mother and she picked us up and I swore I was done. He blamed me and took no responsibility or showed any remorse for what he had done. We stayed with his mom for a long time. Over the summer, he did not see the kids very often. He lives 1 hour from his mom's and I'd say he would see them for a few hours 1-2 times a week, or take them out for a full day. From May-August he took our son twice overnight and both of them 3 times overnight. During this time he was in the process of opening his own business but I have learned that he did quite a lot of partying in this time also. He ended up reconnecting with a few of his old buddies that he used to hang out with, and things happened and he ended up "hating" them. And also made quite a few new friends and business contacts that he started spending time with. Towards the end of August he came to me and told me how sorry he was and how much he missed his family and just wanted us to come home. So I did. I know I sound like a very unstable person and trust me, I know that the amount of times my kids have been bounced around from pillar to post is not good for them, but I care about him very much and just wanted my family to work which is why I came back each time.

So we came home in the beginning of September. I noticed a few changes, but still when he lost his temper would be out of control. I tried my best to make everything at home easy. He works 9-6 about 4-5 days a week. But he is gone a lot more often than that. For our first few weeks home I'd say he was gone out for business related reasons an hour or two into the evening about 1-2 times a week. And going out drinking with buddies/partying about 1-2 times a week. I am home with the kids all day, every day. I do all of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, all the care for the kids. Basically all he has to do when he comes home is eat dinner, spend an hour playing with them. Does not help with their baths or dinner or putting them to bed. It started to become an issue for me as I don't think a 35 year old practically married man with a family has any business being in a bar 1, 2, 3 times a week drinking. He's never cheated on me and I had never really had that worry, but still the idea bothered me very much. After a month or so I finally spoke up, and he pretty much dismissed me as overreacting, being jealous that he had friends and I didn't etc. I tried to continue talking but he got very angry and an argument ensued so I left it alone.

It's now November and the behavior has not changed very much. He goes to a sporting event 1-2 times a week and out to the bar at LEAST once a week. He usually doesn't get home until between 2-4AM. I have also learned that on these nights out he almost always uses cocaine. I have known this for about 2 months but recently brought it up to him 2 weeks ago and he absoloutely LOST it on me and denies everything though I am 100% sure it's true. He also recently has told me that his closest friend who he is normally out with has been cheating on his wife.

I don't know what to do anymore. I don't think I'm overreacting. I don't think a man with a family who's 35 years old should be behaving this way.

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Heather A - posted on 11/19/2013

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I didn't need to read your whole post before needing desperately to reply to you. GET OUT OF THERE FOR GOOD!!! I'm gonna give you a little tough-love here, okay? My very best friend in the whole world is going through an identical situation and although I know she listens (as you are doing by reading), she never does anything to change her situation. You get used to the abuse. Well, if you want it to stop, the only way you can do that is to get out. And getting all the way out, even if it means being in a tiny apartment until you get onto your own feet, will show your precious children that YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN TO BE ABUSED. It is NOT okay for him to go out all the time. It is NOT okay for him not to give to rats' behinds whether his kids are all right or that the mother of his children is ok. Not one thing about your post is all right! This will continue to happen and it will also grow worse as time goes on. You have the responsibility to teach your children (especially your boy) that any kind of abuse is not okay -he will learn to treat you just as badly if he sees his father do it. And then he will carry on the tradition with his own girlfriend/wife. I don't care if he denies everything or not, that part doesn't matter a whit. What matters is that he is aggressive and abusive and you wouldn't want your daughter going through that, would you? If you saw your daughter putting up with crap like this, what would you tell her? Well, you are somebody's daughter, you are somebody's friend, somebody's mother, somebody's sister and if the tables were turned and one of the people whom you love was asking you the same question, you would tell them unequivocally to get out and stay out. Get child support, do the best you can, but you and your children deserve better and at 35, that man will wind up killing himself while driving drunk or OD on coke; maybe get a life insurance policy on him, (not to be mean but ...) but you need to get out of there post-haste. Please do this, you will have MANY of us supporting you from cyberspace, I know I will if you need. Anytime, send me a message, I'm a good listener and will always be straight-honest with you no matter what. Please do this!!! Keep me posted!

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