How RUDE!!!

Jennifer - posted on 01/22/2011 ( 35 moms have responded )

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My husband has a friend that is great. He has helped us on more than one occasion with stuff my husband couldn't do, and my husband has helped him on more than one occasion with stuff he couldn't do. No problem there. He doesn't have a garage or a place for his tools, so we let him keep his in our garage (detached), and even though he has a key, he always tells us when he is comming, cleans up after himself, and even bought a wood burner for the thing. My problem is his wife and kids!!! When they come over, and she is in the house with them, she lets them dig through our fridge and cupboards. She lets them jump on my kids' beds, and never says anything to them when they break one of my kids' toys. Usually when they come, her kids come carrying icecream or a can of pop (just for them, not to share), then lets them eat/drink in my living room, despite my constantly telling them they need to go into the kitchn with it (not to mention, I'm then dealing with my own kids complaining about not having pop/icecream). She smokes, and there is no smoking in my house, so she goes outside. That's fine, but then if the husbands are out in the garage she proceeds to just stay out there and leave me alone with her 3 kids. I have 4 kids of my own, and one is only 3 1/2 months, so I really don't feel like dealing with her kids if it isn't for a good reason (we live in Ohio, so if it's winter, I can't just ship them out the door, because they never have hats or gloves). Last night they were over, and her one son grabbed our 10 week old kitten and almost killed it! I was screaming at him and she just sat on our couch and looked at him like "so, what?". My husband has told his friend, that we really don't appreciate the way she acts at our house, and his friend trys his best to not bring her, but there are times that he has to get something done, and she won't let him come with out her. Anybody else deal with someone like this? What do you do, because I feel like one of these times I'm going to fly off the handle and scream at her in front of the kids, which would be completely inappropriate.

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Lisa - posted on 01/22/2011

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It's your home and she and her children, need to follow house rules when they are visiting. If they open a can of pop or their snack, politely tell the mom, we do not eat or drink in our living room but they are more than welcome to sit in the kitchen. If she won't, walk over the child, pick up the pop/snack and move it to the kitchen telling the child the house rule and telling them to finish their snack in the kitchen.

I would address the mom first and if that doesn't work, address the child yourself. If she doesn't like it, she'll stop coming.

I wouldn't worry about being inappropriate towards the mother, apparently she doesn't care too much about being appropriate.

Tiffanie - posted on 01/25/2011

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All the ladies here have offered some great advice and support. I think the bottom line is for you to remember that you aren't wrong for being angry with the situation. Here are some ideas I came up with after reading your post (some may be repetitive. great minds think alike!):



1. When they pull up meet them outside with a trash can. Tell them that you decided that your kids can't have any of those things anymore so they have to throw theirs out before they get in the house.

2. I loved the idea from Deana [?] who said designate a specific play area with specific toys for the kids and then close the doors to bedrooms/toyrooms, etc. When the kids ask why they can't go in there tell them the truth, in front of their mother.Then explain that if they can play like this, without breaking anything, torturing animals, or making a mess then you will think about letting them play in the bedrooms. However, if their behavior continues then they will have to sit on the couch/in the kitchen the whole time. Also tell them if they keep acting out at your house they won't be allowed at your house anymore.

3. As for the smoking, set a timer or watch the clock. I am a smoker [I know, I know, boo hiss] and if I am having someone else watch my son I can suck one down in less than 2 minutes. So give her 5 minutes. And if she isn't back send the kids to her. Don't put the kids in danger if the weather is bad obviously [at that point I would call her husband on his cell and ask if she was coming back in]

4. If you have time before they come over type out the rules of you house really big then go buy a frame from the dollar store. Hang it in front of the front door, near the front door, or wait until they come over and hang it on the front door. Read it to those who can't read and then remind them as needed.



But all of this, and the advice of the other ladies, may fail. And it sounds like this woman doesn't give a damn about you or your house so the behavior will most likely continue. Apparently you have told her husband about the behavior and he hasn't done anything. So if it doesn't stop and you start to feel like setting her on fire, confront her [out of earshot of the kids]. Tell her what she and her kids are doing that irritate you, what you have tried to do to solve the problem and then give her an ultimatum-if you and your kids can't act like people and respect my home you can't come over. Tell her husband the same thing. The next time he wants to come over ask if she is coming with him. If he says yes, tell him you won't be there, or that you are going to have family over. Eventually he will get the picture that the only time he can come over is without her. Either he will come over without her or he will find another place to store his tools.



You should not, in any way, put up with any disrespect in your home. You make the rules there, not them or anyone else. If you want to chase chickens around the living room on Thursday night then by God that's what everybody had better do because it is your house and a Thursday. And if all else fails, lock your door. They can sit out in the garage with daddy. One day of that and DADDY will tell them they can't come anymore. Problem solved...

Rebecca - posted on 01/25/2011

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I have had this situation myself!! It is so hard. Mine was with my husbands brother and his wife and kids. Their kids would... we turn my house upside down. And then they would hang around forever and ever. One night I was trying to encourage them to leave (it was 8pm and their kids were so tired and ready for bed) so I had a shower, got into my PJ's and hinted that I was heading to bed. And they still sat on the couch watching tv!!! Because her household had near to no rules and guideline (not to mention no bed times), she just couldn't get it.

I found it hard, and because of the relationship between my hubby and his brother, I had to be careful not to upset the wife too much. So I sent her an email saying that because we have had problems with the kids pushing the boundaries etc, we have made some new house rules as well as enforcing some old ones. Then I wrote them out and said that when she comes over could she and her kids help me enforce them. I also explained the reward system I set up, and said that if she would like her kids to join in on it, I could print a reward chart out for them and keep it in the cupboard for when they came over. But I did state that I would need her to implement the discipline aspect as well (time outs etc) so that my kids see that the rules are across the board. I wrote it all very nice but very clear.

Anyway she didn't come around for the next visit with her hubby, but she did the next time, and she made a huge effort to follow the new rules. I won't lie- it wasn't 100% better, but it was about 75%, which was fantastic!!! And after a few months it no longer stressed me out to see the car pull up out the front. :)

Hope that helps. Often confronting the problem can cause issues- but doing it in a less confronting way can work. Worth a shot I say. :-)

DeAnn - posted on 01/25/2011

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I would personally throw her out the door but I already have enough stress in my life so I have a low tolerance for disrespect. I agree with the other ladies that if she won't do the parenting while in my home I will. I would act as if she's simply NOT there and I am babysitting and I would put those kids in time out, take the soda pop away and simply tell them that if there's not enough for everyone then they can have it back when they go home. When the kids are in another room I would make it clear to her that if I have to babysit the children while she's there then she is going to PAY me to do it. This person obviously is NOT your friend so why bend over backwards and make yourself miserable to make her feel welcome when clearly she is not! I would also send the little demons out after their mother within 10-15 minutes if she went out to smoke. I also live in Ohio and I send my kids outside in the cold all the time. Their hat's and gloves are not your responsibility!

Kim - posted on 01/27/2011

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I would just say they are not allowed in your house, period. These are not problems that can be fixed, she lacks morals and values. That is not something as adults that people can change about themselves. If he brings her again you may need to ask him to move his stuff out of your gargage. Tell him you appreciate his friendship but that he also needs to respect your wishes.

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35 Comments

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Sara - posted on 05/04/2012

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this is really disrespectfull!!!!!!!!!!!!!
actally tell them off and get revege, be rude back and see how they feel!!
you go girl, one of my daughter's friends kept demanding to have what she likes, she even stole my daughter's necklace, so i was outraged and told her mother, who was ashamed! they are not friends anymore, they never were, she just came without telling us!
if your problem gets bad, have a serious dicussion and if it is serious, call the police.

Sarah - posted on 01/29/2011

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Invite her over sans kids one day to talk to her. Maybe seeing the environment you have set in your house when her kids aren't there will open her eyes. You can also address her behavior in a calmer manner. Dont be afraid to set the tone for your house. If you dont who will?

Katherine - posted on 01/29/2011

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oh my goodness. i have that problem with this mom and her 4 kids. my goodness. my kids are not ever allowed to jump all over our furniture, no bouncing off the walls or destroying toys or anything else. Her kids are monsters. I was kindly babysitting them for free because they are broke. 3 days too long. theyre kids are outof control. the 3 yr old and 4 yr old were jumping adn climbing all over our furniture(not even a yr old yet- knew furniture) beating up on our dogs, grrr. thinking our walls in the living room will work just wonders fro kicking and banging on. I put thier butts in timeout. I told the mother what her little monsters did and she thought it was FUNNY. ugh!!! pissed me right off. I told her I dont allow my children to disrespect our home and I will not allow her children to di it either. put your foot down. i told her little monsters that tis is MY home and they willrespect MY home. or they will be put in timeout. Do it in front of the parents like I did . Its your home not theirs. I take pride in my home and refuse to allow anyone kids or not to come in and take over. I keep her kids out of my kids room and I bring out toys that willbe hard for their disrespecting butts to break. they are babygated in the living room so I know where they are at and I am in their with them watching them. The other two kids of hers is an 8 yr who goes to schoolwith my daughter so i put them outside to play and the other is 11 months. old little angel.:) yeah she makes messes but cute 11 mon old messes. and she sleeps. No excuse for the other 2 kids though I have a 4 yr year old and she has manners and respect.

Jennifer - posted on 01/27/2011

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Thank you ladies for your help! I do enforce the rules with her children when they are here. I tell them not to do things, and send them to the corner and such. Sometimes I think a lot of her problem is that she had her 1st child at 15 and never grew up after that. She and her husband have a ton of marital issues, and are always on the verge of divorce, so he doesn't care what I tell her. I guess I just feel sorry for the kids, because they don't know any better and it's not their fault.

Nikkole - posted on 01/27/2011

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i would tell her how it is! and if she doesnt like it or cant follow ur rules kick her out of your house! you shouldnt have to out up with that in you own house

Jo - posted on 01/26/2011

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I would flat out refuse to allow them into the house. I'd have my husband call his friend & tell him the situation again & ensure that everyone knows that from here on in she is no longer welcome. If she turns up, lock the door. Its your home if she doesn't treat it with respect she's not coming in.

Missy - posted on 01/26/2011

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How horrible! Why not put a huge poster with a list of rules up when she comes over? Looks like you might have to have a really awkward conversation with her so that you may have some kind of peace. You have 4 kids! You don't have time for that! You have the right to have peace in your own home! I would have a hard time doing that too ...but I think you might have to for your own sanity. Maybe make a code word between you and you husband that means it is time for them to go when things start getting out of hand? Good luck!

Wendy - posted on 01/25/2011

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Ban the b!tch. Tell your husband's buddy to man up and control his family. It is more effective coming from a woman than a man, no matter how much he may respect your husband. She sounds like she doesn't deserve this guy and he may very well know it. He might be afraid to lay some rules down with her because she could be the type to counter it with hysterically insane behavior. Regardless, just ban the b!tch and her brats. It's not up to her where her husband goes and what he does so if she "won't let him go" as a result, then that may be just the incentive he needs to give her a taste of her own medicine.

Mary - posted on 01/25/2011

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I agree with these other wonderful ladies, you need to stand up for your house and make them respect your rules. Another thing you may want to think about is the impact this has on your children, you mentioned your chilren being upset about her children bringing snacks and eating them in front of them... Do you think your children think it is fair? it may be hurting there selfesteem: why they can and we cant?
I know your children are important to you, so please if for no other reason do it for them, and show them that everyone has to follow the same rules as they do. Good luck, dealing with people like that can be a challange, but we are mothers... we can do anything!

Rebecca - posted on 01/25/2011

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Well now that's just disrespectful. I come from a home where the Lady of the house is Respected. And the husband is supposed to do his best to make sure all of his friends and relatives behave themselves. If You don't like someone, regardless of the reason...Your husband does his best not to bring them to your company and if they do come over they are out of sight and out of mind. Maybe you should disipline her kids the same as you do yours. It's your house honey... Everytime someone comes to my house and brings their kids I treat their kids as if they were my own and have lost friends because of it. Yell at their kids for getting in your fridge. This is Your fridge. Tell them if they are hungry they need to ask politely and if they try to get in the refridgerator stand in the kitchen...tell them No..and close it regardless. Kids act by example..If you Teach them to respect your home, they will.. Kids can follow different rules..it's the adults who cannot. if she gives those brats permission to sit in your livingroom with food, take their plate and set it on the table. Like i said..this is Your House. it doesn't matter who pays the bills. if Momma ain't happy..Nobody's Happy.

Katie - posted on 01/24/2011

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I would just sit her down and explain to her that its YOUR house and that her and her kids will follow by YOUR rules and if they don't follow them that they are not welcome to your house unless they can follow them. Don't let her walk over you in your own house. Just put your foot down because if you don't....she'll continue to disrespect you and your house. Good Luck!!!!!

Karen - posted on 01/24/2011

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I agree with alot that has been written. My house my rules. So if she won't step up and parent I will. If she doesn't like it then she can not come over. I did lose a friend this way. However her kid was better behaved at my house then ever for her. She came over twice after that never really saw her again. Oh well, not my fault.
hang tough.

Ilene - posted on 01/24/2011

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My step grandson lived with us for close to 2 years, give or take a little time. When he was at my house with his mother, he didn't have much of a problem doing things against my house rules. It got to the point that I started to get pretty bossy. If he had a soda or chips in my livingroom, I wold tell him to get to the table. If he didn't listen, Itook it away. I used to tell him that this is mine and his Pappy's house and needs to follow OUR rules. I didn't care what the rules are at your house. Here we do it different. It's not abuse if you take them by their arms and sit them down. Regardless what some people think, children need some form of discapline. That's why they are the kidsand we re the adults. We were put here to teach them right from wrong and visaversa. Here's the problem I had. When the lttle boy and his mom started coming around, the boy was really bad and his mom (my kid's half sis) spoiled my kids rotten. My kids soon became spoiled little brats that wanteded anything and everything. Me being a stay at home mother, it made me feel pretty inferior. My kids are still acting like spoiled brats but thank goodness it's calmed down. They will never NEVER again be my little angels that didn't ask for much, didn't whine almost constintly and fight tooth and nail, I lost my rel children because I allowed someone to come into my home and disrupt my family. So please, for you Jennifer and anyone else reading this, don't let people come into your house and disrupt your lives. Lay down your rules. If they are not followed, make it happen and stick with it.

Ambyr - posted on 01/24/2011

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Ohhhh yesss. I know exactly how you feel. My boyfriend has been friends with one couple since high school and once I came into the situation I made it a point to become friends with them for him. They already had 1 daughter that was 7 months old when I became friends with them. Once I got pregnant with my daughter it "motivated" them to get pregnant with their second. The kids were born 3 months apart and as the started to crawl and stand up and stuff they would all play together. I was pregnant with my second 2 1/2 months after my daughter was born so when she was at the stage of crawling and standing up at stuff I was huge. She would bring her kids over to my house and her daughter would get mad that my daughter was playing with toys. She would push her over, grab toys out of her hand, hit her for playing with toys she wanted to play with and it use to get me so mad. Being almost 9 months pregnant I would have to get up and console my daughter while at the same time giving her daughter trouble for hurting my child. Once they got a little older and my second was in the picture her oldest was old enough to I guess figure out what she was doing was wrong. Now they come over and her two kids with destroy my house. Every single toy we have will be scattered all over the floor, chip crumbs everywhere. Gummy candies everywhere. Drinks all over the table, its gross. I flat out told her no more at my house unless someone can babysit her kids because I have two kids just like she doesnt that are YOUNGER! and my house never looks like that. I dont find it fair because when we go over to her house we clean up after ourselves before we leave....

[deleted account]

It would be inappropriate but the next time she comes over I would stop her at the door and inform her of the rules of your home. Make a list on paper and hand it to her so she can't forget. Stop all of them at the door and take all food and drink away from her kids immediately explaining the whole time about the rules of your home and how since they cannot seem to follow them there will be a designated play area and they can stay in that area or must leave. Be forceful and stick to it. Have the phone ready in case you need to call the police. Have a bag ready for her kids before they all come over. coloring books, crayons, games, etc. (old is fine) Make her kids sit at the table and explain that is where they will stay during their visit and until they can show that they can follow rules. Stick to it no matter what. I promise you she will either deal with it or leave. If she leaves make her take her kids with her. Make one of the rules that if she needs to smoke she MUST take her kids outside with her since you are NOT her babysitter.
Sometimes rude, and forceful is all you can do to keep your home & sanity.

Susie - posted on 01/23/2011

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i would suggest you go over to their house with your kids in tow and let them have snack you know the others like, even though you may not smoke go ino the bathroom faking a stomach ache so that she has to deal with your kids for a few, hey! even bring a razer to shave your legs extra time... (only if u would trust no harm happening to ur child in the process) allow your child/ren to run in the house with his/her winter boots on she will soon get the taste of the medicine she has been giving to you. if you want to go for a less vivid approach cvalmly tell her what you find she is being rude about and tell her that her husband is welcome to bring the children as long as he is willing to take care of them (if you even want them over still knowing the dad will do a good job) but she is no longer welcome in your home.

[deleted account]

I know u r worried about breaking the friendship between ur family and the husband but u have to let her know ur rules.. ask her 1 on 1 and talk to her gently, hopefully it works but if it doesnt, next time she comes, shut the door in front of her face... LOL.. just kidding.. if it doesnt work , make his husband talk to her again.

Lubna - posted on 01/23/2011

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Your house is a private place that needs to be respected. If you have told this woman the rules in your house then she shouldn't get upset when you enforce them. For example, if they come over with sodas/icecream, right at the door you must say, "Sorry you can't come in unless you get rid of that". She goes out for a smoke, then ask her to take her kids with her. If she doesn't ship them outside despite the cold. Either she won't like it and stop coming over or she will begin to respect the rules of your home. You need to make it clear and follow through no matter what the consequence to your husband's friendship. You are done being the accommodating host to a person who abuses the accommodations you provide.

Stifler's - posted on 01/22/2011

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I hate when people wear shoes in my house. It's all carpet, I don't want to pay someone to clean it every week. People always do it and I never say anything lol. But it pisses me off no end.

Danielle - posted on 01/22/2011

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i would try to write her a letter and send it to her via her husband, with all of your concerns and everything you have or want to say to her, that way she gets the point, there is no heated argument at your house and if she doesnt like it she wont come over, and that way you can get in every thing you have to say w/o interupption and there wont be any confusion. it may come off nicer that way so your not in the middle of an incedentt and already aggravated. good luck, if all else fails try a large sign on your door that says "im not a nanny, watch your own damn kids, follow my damn rules or go home", if you go with the sign i would appreciate a picture of it and her reaction lol

Saraya - posted on 01/22/2011

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I personally have never dealt with this, but how rude is right! I think if it were me and my home i would have to pull the plug! You've given them there warning and they blew it off, they got there chance. After all it is your home and your children, that is just rediculous! That way, you could avoid completely blowing up!

Amy - posted on 01/22/2011

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Wow I have never had to deal with this my self. Most who come to our home are very respectful and we are at their place as well. As for the hose rules you need to inforse them with all the kids. I would say they can't have their sancks in you home unless they bring enough for every one and are willing to eat it in the kitchen. I don't know your stanse on Ice cream or soda so that would be up to you. I don't think she whould be allowed to go out and even smoke and leave you alone the whole time with your kids. I would say if they are not dressed for the weather outside and its consitant report it. I would say shut the doors to your kids rooms and if one of her's break the rules put them in time out. If is bothers her then say you can go home. Hope this helps.

Gemma - posted on 01/22/2011

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Thats your home and your kids house the home your husband wrks for to take care of you guys.
You were kind and a gracious host now the BS has got to stop.
My suggestion LOCK YOUR HOUSE when they arrive..
It seems like your husband has tried to deal with the matter but he is gonna have to be more foward in his approach for the sake of you and the kids.
I like a drama free life it you desire peace then keep your peace and keep her and the her kids away.
When you snap it means you let this go to far handle it calmly but with firmness..
Good Luck!

Heather - posted on 01/22/2011

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Think of it this way... 2011 the zero tolerance for bullshit rule came into effect :) Good luck :) Sending hugs!

Heather - posted on 01/22/2011

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TASER! Kidding... Your best bet is frisking the kids at the door. If she doesn't like it tell her she can sit on the step outside and her kids can come inside and be nice and warm as long as they behave. If they don't behave tell them they can swim to Detroit. Thats what I tell my rented kids. The one tells me she can't swim and I reply well at least you will make a lovely corpse. Knowing swimming to ohio is their punishment they listen, quite well I might add. My toy room is always clean and all the video games stuff gets put away. If people don't respect the rules tell them they can stay home and miss out. If anyone hurt my cats no matter what their ages they would find their asses out in the snowbank regardless. Cats are like kids. If she can't be a parent then treat her like a kid. If she doesn't like it tell her there is the door and she can come back when she respects the rules. Your house lay down the law.

Lacye - posted on 01/22/2011

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If she can't follow your rules in your own house, she needs to go. The next time she tries to do something like that, tell her that she needs to leave. She will continue to disrespect you in your home until you just flat out tell her to get out until she can respect you and your home.

Bonnie - posted on 01/22/2011

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It's not her house, it's your house, which means it is your rules. She needs to be made aware of this and if she doesn't like it, than she shouldn't come over. It's called respect for others and it is ignorant to be doing what she is doing and allowing kids to do.

[deleted account]

Maybe dont fly off the handle in front of ur kids, but i would address the issues and talk to her. Its your house your rules. If your kids have to follow them so do hers. I'd tell her either follow the rules or her and her kids arent welcome. But i would have your husband talk to his friend first so it doesnt cause a problem between the guys.

Medic - posted on 01/22/2011

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All of my friends know MY house MY rules and those that don't like it don't bring their kids over. I would make a blanket statement when they get there and when the mom does nothing you do something. Close off your kids rooms and make it a rule no one allowed in bedrooms. And if all else fails simply tell her that she is not welcome if she is unwilling to follow your rules.

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