How to deal with controlling in laws that want me to work

Nora - posted on 08/17/2016 ( 10 moms have responded )

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Hi
Im not exactly a mom yet but i hope im allowed to join this community. I have some problem with my in laws that has been bothering me every day and night. Just wondering if anyone has any opinion or similar problem.

Im a stay at home wife. Im not working because my husband doesnt want me to work and want me to stay at home. But i am doing some online business from home.

But unfortunately my mother in law wants me to work. So she has been harassing my husband about me finding a job. When she failed to convince and persuade my husband she talked directly to me asking me to find a job and even asking me to give me my CV. Of course i never give it to her because my husband doesnt agree to this.

Recently, I overheard his grandmother talking to him about me finding a job. I am so upset about this. Suddenly me not working is a big issue!

During our last visit, his grandmother talked to me about me finding a job. I told her im doing an online business from home although she already knew that. But it seems like she refused to accept it. And continue saying that my mother is also working so I should work too so that me and my husband can buy a house.

She was telling me how her daughter(my husband's aunt) bought a house with her husband. I didnt say anything, all i could remember is sitting there helplessly and feeling so insulted.

I told my husband about this. He apologized on behalf of his family and told me that his family can't force us because this is our life and this is our decision.

Im glad to hear that but because of this i really dont feel like seeing and meeting his family. I feel so embarrassed and insulted. Like they are judging me.

Money is a bit tight at the moment but it's none of their business when we never ask anything from them. Although on top of our expenses and bills , he also needs to pay monthly for his sister's loan and his mom's car and bills.

However, i don't think this issue is over yet. I know they are very persistent.
And this whole thing really affects my behavior and sometimes i let it out on my husband :((

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Michelle - posted on 08/18/2016

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They are being very selfish.
I would never expect my Brother to pay for my bills and my Mother wouldn't expect us to pay for her either. It doesn't matter how much we earn.
Maybe they need to learn to live within their means instead of relying on your husband. I was a single Mother of 2 and paid for my own bills. That's what life is about, not getting family to help support your lifestyle.

Michelle - posted on 08/18/2016

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I agree with Jodi.
Your husband isn't responsible for his Mother's or Sister's bills. They should go out and get a job to pay for them. If they can't afford the repayments they they shouldn't be getting a loan out.
I must ask something though, do YOU want to work? Not what your husband wants of you, I'm talking about in your own self. There is nothing stopping you from working and helping towards your bills and saving before you have children. You have said that money is a bit tight, why not go out and help?
When you have children then you can stay home but until then what is your husband's reason for not wanting you to work? Is it his way of controlling you?

Jodi - posted on 08/17/2016

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I'm a little confused. Are you living with them? Why does he have to pay for their bills?
With regard to them harassing you to get a job, your husband needs to put them straight and tell them to back off because unless they are supporting you and your family, it is absolutely none of their business.

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Nora - posted on 08/19/2016

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Yes Exactly how i felt. But the mother never knew he took loan to pay for his sister's lawyer
She just let him figure out himself how to solve the sister's problem and handle it himself
And now after we go married, he is unable to give her money as frequent, like before. But he still pay for her car and some of their house bill. She seems unhappy about it
When she can't force me to work. She told my husband's grandmother to talk to us
So now the grandmother too is trying to convince me to work. And it is just funny that she had to say, that my mother is working so i should too. Yes my mother is working but my mother never expect the children to pay anything for her.
His grandmother also told me that her other daughter (my husband's aunt) bought a house with her husband after 4yrs working. So i should work so that i can buy a house with my husband. To be honest, my husband's has been working for almost 7 years. But they never advise him to buy a house or save. They let him use all the money to support the family. And now suddenly after marrying me, it has become an issue.
I dont know who to talk to. I mean, i cant tell my family. Im worried about what they will think about my husband and his family
But if you are in my shoes, would you feel insulted? Is this a normal feeling?
Because they really made me feel that way
Like i have no worth and value

Nora - posted on 08/18/2016

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my husband didnt borrow money from them
ever since he started working, he has been supporting his mom and sister
His sister is a single mom with one kid.

Although both his mom and sister are working but my husband make better money so they always expect him to pay for the household etc
Until he cant even save

Obviously after we got married his expenses increased
So he cant give more than paying for their car n loan.
So they feel i should work

Nora - posted on 08/18/2016

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Hi they are actually working but my husband makes more money than them.
The car loan is under his mom's but he has been paying for the car loan since from the beginning. The other loan, he took it to help to pay for his sister divorce lawyer. And he is still paying for it until now.

Well to be honest i have not been working for a few years. Been doing online business from home. I prefer this as i can work from home anytime. And yes my husband doesnt want me to work even before we got married he wants me to stay at home. And after we got married, i got into an accident where i fell down the stairs and had to wear the plaster cast for 1 month. Yet i still cant walk normally.My husband also worried about this if i were to go out and work.

To be honest, his pay is good but i guess he has too many commitments with his family
I don't know. Sometimes i have bad thoughts about his family. I feel they are so selfish. And now they are attacking me for not working. When my husband the one that is supporting this family told me thats ok for me not to work. He still can manage although abit tight but we still have food and place to stay. He just asked me to be patient for few years.

Nora - posted on 08/18/2016

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Wellh they are working actually but my husband happens to make more money than them.
He pays for his mothers car and and some of their house bills and he took loan for his sister few years ago to pay for her divorce lawyer fee. So currently he is still paying for that loan. It was no problem before because he was not married yet. But after he got married obviously his expenses increased
And can no longer afford to provide more to the mother and sister but he still is the one paying for her car and loan. So i assume that is why the mother wants me to work. Although my husband doesnt want me to work. He said that we will only be a bit tight for a couple of years. Because the loan supposedly to finish in 3-4 yrs.

Jodi - posted on 08/18/2016

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I don't understand why he should still be responsible for his mother's bills or his sister's bills if he isn't living with them. Perhaps they are the ones that should get a job!

Nora - posted on 08/17/2016

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Hi , no we are living on our own. We rent a house,. Although in the beginning his mother wanted us to stay with her but he refused. Before we got married my husband has been paying for it so even after he moved out, he is expected to continue paying.
Sometimes this bother me too. Its like they are too dependent on him. And wont allow him to start his own life. But the more i think of it , its like im the bad person.

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