how to deal with mother in law not wanting to interact wit her grankids

Jennifer - posted on 04/28/2010 ( 7 moms have responded )

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my mother in law is hispanic an iam white and feel thats the reason she cant be close to her grankids my oldest is 2 an my youngest is 3months an there her ONLY grankids my husband told me my mom always said she coouldnt wait to have grankids to do this an that with them an he dont understand why she is acting this way also. She only lives not even 10 minutes away an dont come to see them we have to take them over there an at get togethers. What can i do its putting a strain on our relationship

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Louise - posted on 04/29/2010

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Neither of my parents have wanted to know my kids or have an active roll in bringing them up. We have just managed alone. My older children are 18 and 16 and now I have a daughter of 17 months. You can count the number of times my children have stayed with their grandparents on one hand. They have never been there for my kids and I don't ever expect them to be I have just got on with my life with my husband and kids and every now and again they pop into our lives. This you will have to accept because if you worry about the why's and the therefores you will drive yourself mad. At the end of the day it is her loss. Your children will thrive with or without grandparents.

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Rebeca - posted on 05/06/2010

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Jennifer

I will pray for you and your mother and daughter to get through this difficult time.

Now more than ever, you need to stop stressing about your MIL, this is HER problem, not yours, and you can't force anything so just focus on spending as much time with your mum as you can and try to be strong for your daughter.

As long as she is surrounded by people who love her (you, your mum, your husband), they won't miss out on anything.

Give it time and hopefully your MIL will become closer to the kids as time goes by but if she doesn't, that is her problem so don't worry about it ok.

All the best hun, I will be thinking of you all. xo

Jennifer - posted on 05/05/2010

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well they never had a problem till i was 6 months pregnant with the first one an thats when we moved into a house together but before we moved in together i heard from his cousins that his dad was diappointed that he got me pregnant my mom is around alot to my daughter know her an calls her nana but she doesnt call his mom anything an we asked her many times before i had her what u want the babies to call you she says i dont know so i justsaid ok she dont even refer herself to them as grandma i try to take her around as often as i can but i shouldnt be the one always taking them over there to visit she needs to come around here to then this past weekend we found out my mom has a tumor on her brain an my daughter looks up to her soo much that pray to god not but if something ever happens you think she wont have her best friend no more an is going to wonder why nana left tehy say kids since things i wonder how true it is does she know his mom dont love her or is it just a old wise tale

Crystal - posted on 05/04/2010

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Have you always had problems with your MIL? Did she accept you when you married your hubby? You could be right, and I'm sorry for that. I am hispanic and my hubby is white. My MIL has given me some reasons to think she's a bit racist and didn't want us to marry, but has never shown any of that towards the kids ... besides being a little biased --- they look like him, not me. :D My dad, being a traditional hispanic man, I'm sure was "disappointed" when I married a white man, but only because like all Dad's they want the best for their daughters, and NO MAN will ever be good enough. Could she be the type to have reservations about mixed children? It seems so. Again, I'm sorry, I'm sure your kids are beautiful! ;) I would just say do as much as you can to give your kids time with her, to get to know her, and in the end, she'll be the one losing out on a great relationship with them. My MIL can get really selfish at times (a lot - in my eyes) and she's definitely not the type of grandma I would like her to be ... but with my parents always being around ... I guess my expections for her are too high ... everyone is different. Best of luck.

Jennifer - posted on 05/04/2010

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well my mil dont do anything but sit at home and we never ask for anything my 2 year old talks an is potty trained so she can tell her what she needs because she tells me i have learned after 3 years to just accept it an move on there better off without her when she actually does pop in they run from her or cry but she can go 1 hour away every week to visit family an across the highway to visit family often but cant stop here she dont work an aint invovled in stuff but thanks for your advice

Rebeca - posted on 04/29/2010

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Hi Jennifer
My mum also had trouble with my kids when they were babies but once they were toilet trained and able to talk and tell what they wanted/needed she started to spend more time with them. When they are babies they usually just want mum anyway and she may feel much closer to them once they are at the stage where they run to her for kisses and hugs, show her affection etc.

On the other hand, she may not. My mother in law is not interested in any of her grandchildren, and has one great-grandchild who lives around the corner from her but she never bothers to see her and didnt even attend her 2nd birthday party because she went to dinner with her friends instead, so sometimes there isn't anything you can do to change the situation. xo

Don't let it put a strain on your marriage, just accept her the way she is and focus on your husband and children, that's really the only family that matters.

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My kids are now 3 and 5, and it actually took a few years for my mom to be able to deal with them without becoming a big ball of stress...I had assumed that since she had raised her own kids, she would love/be great with newborns and toddlers...I found out she had HATED that phase of her own kids lives, and my screaming babies just brought it all back. She is a great grandma now, but it took a while. Plus, a lot of older women now a days have their own busy lives, and don't feel like dropping their activities a the drop of a hat to watch/take care of their grandkids. Give your MIL time...and lower your expectations!

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