how to deal with mother-in-laws!?

Nayuribe - posted on 05/13/2010 ( 13 moms have responded )

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so, she tries to be helpfull, but she always ends up making things worse, so our relationship worsens also. my youngest daughter is turning 1 y.o. this sunday, but she's not walking or crawling, on even standing, we already started taking her to the doc to fix whatever needs to be fixed. me and my boyfriend had talked about getting her a walker, and then decided not to, so did the pediatritian when we asked. and we commented about that with my mother-in-law, and what did she do??? yes yes, she went out and got a walker, just what we asked NOT to do!!! how do u get through to a person like that??? and how can i NOT get mad at her, cuz in order to not hurt her feelings, we have to put our baby in the damn walker! HELP!!!!

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Karen - posted on 05/23/2010

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And I would like to add I completely understand how you feel with you BF siding with his mom. My husband is from a very close knit Jewish family. He even though we have been married for 4 years and together for 6 will side with his entire family in any matter and not me. That causes tons of problems.

Karen - posted on 05/23/2010

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your boyfriends mom sounds A LOT like my husband's mom. Any time we tell her not to get something that is just what she does. You don't have to put your daughter in the walker. IF you want you an take and sell the walker at at yard sale or take it to a Once Upon A Child if you have one near where you live and then you can tell her the truth of where the walker went and why.

Toni - posted on 05/23/2010

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lol it doesnt sound like a big deal you are gunna need that walker in a few months , thank your MIL for the gift and let her know when ur baby is ready for the walker you will def be putting her in it !

Jamie - posted on 05/18/2010

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talk to kher nicely and tell her your doctor does not want your child in a waqlker and tell her the doctor said it might harm her

Kristin - posted on 05/18/2010

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I have had similar issues with my mother-in law when my Son was younger. We had to have several discussions before she backed off. I tried it the nice way for several months, but she did not understand that when she gave advice, that was exactly it "Advice", not the rule. So finally when my Son was about 8 months old, I let her know that if she was not willing to stick by what my Husband and I thought was best, we would not have her Babysit if we needed. That I would rather pay our niece and have things done our way then have a ruined realationship between her and I. At that point she realized I had my Sons best interest at heart and I wasn't going to budge. Understand though that she is just trying to help, and let her know that you do appreciate it and you will take her advice into consideration. By the way, about the walker, if you do not want to use it. Don't. That should be a clear sign for her to see.

Nayuribe - posted on 05/18/2010

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louise, i've tried doing that, asking her to help out with the not so important stuff, and even babysitting every now and then (i've been a real hands on mom that this in particular has been difficult), but then she gets carried away and even starts to come over unannounced, i understand that she lives alone, but she had a life before having grandkids, why can't she have one now? i'm sorry if she feels alone but it's not my fault her other children don't talk to her often or that her friends seem to cut communication with her sometimes, and i now that sounds rude, but it's the truth, MY job is to raise and tend to MY kids and husband, not to fix HER life.

Louise - posted on 05/17/2010

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These walkers are not designed for children over 9 months as they become dangerous. A 12 month old has the physical power to tip these up I had to stop using mine as my daughter could go so fast that the whole thing tipped. My daughter did not walk until she was 14 months but was pulling herself up and standing not long after her 1st birthday. I think your mother in law is just trying to be involved. Mine is the same so you have to know how to handle them. If your daughter needs a particular peice of equipment ask her to get it. She will then feel involved and feel like she has helped out and may step back a little. I ask my mother in law for all sorts of stuff no matter how small bibs, biscuits, socks etc. She then feels she has done her bit and leaves me alone to do the important stuff.

Jennifer - posted on 05/16/2010

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These women are right. This is your child to raise, not MIL's. It is hard when culture gets in the way, but it is VERY important to set boundaries. I have a MIL that has tried over and over to run over me, and I have had to fight it, but it is essential. We disagreed when to start feeding solids. I just kept telling her over and over what the doctor said and that we were following his lead. We had to set a limit on tangible gifts at holidays because she would try to out-do the other grandparents. She didn't like the boundaries, but has grown to realize I mean it when I set them. There are still "remarks" but I ignore them.
Also, if BF wants to make a family with you, he needs to make a family with YOU. The two of you need to decide what is best for YOUR baby. It's hard when the apron strings are so tight, and I'm not saying be rude, but there comes a time when a person needs to grow up and be an adult. My SIL has had trouble with this with my DH's brother. Thankfully, he is beginning to see he needs to cultivate his life with his wife and children more and not rely on Mom so much.
Sorry, I don't intend to come off as particularly grumpy, I feel your pain, this is a subject near to my heart and I hate to see you having to deal with it.

Nayuribe - posted on 05/16/2010

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well, i've tried having conversations with my MIL but it's like she listens, but it's like it just goes over her head, le entra por un oido y le sale por el otro! ha! i guess it's also different when it's a hispanic culture, cuz moms are VERY important, boys are very attached to them, even as grownups, so whenever i try to talk about my MIL with my boyfriend he kinda sides with her, so it's hard to even bring it up. anyway, i haven't been using the walker, so my bf got mad. and there u go... after he had agreed that a walker would do more harm than good, and he gets mad cuz we're not using it.

Marlo - posted on 05/16/2010

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I have the same problem with my MIL she expects you to take her advice and if you don't she continues to push because she thinks you don't understand her. A great example is that she was positive my son had worms just because he is an extremely picky eater. She pushed and pushed saying I needed to take him to the doctor. I finally lied and told her I did and that nothing wrong. I have the blessing of having her live 5 hours away from me. All I can recommend is try to be nice about what you want but be firm in your ideas. Remind her that this is your child and though you will make mistakes they are your mistakes to make.

Mandy - posted on 05/16/2010

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i had this problem. i let my MIL know he is MY son, and i will listen to her advice but not necessarily do as she says. we had a few arguements, but in the end, he is my son and there isnt much she can do about it. mine did midwifery 28 years ago so thinks everything is the same as it was then. we now get on great and she knows i will ask if i want ehr advice.

Lillie - posted on 05/16/2010

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as mean as it may sound, don't worry about hurting her feelings, because apparently she isn't worried about yours. She sounds just like my MIL. What they sometimes forget is that these are our children and not theirs. You should ask her to respect your wishes and if she can't then let her know you will not tolerate it. If you don't nip this now it will just get worse. Remember this is your child and your decision to make.

Heather - posted on 05/15/2010

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First of all you don't have to do ANYTHING as a parent that you are not comfortable with! You are this babies momma and daddy and you are the only one's who can make the decisions for ur child. I'm not sure how to deal with the other issues, but maybe you need to try and have a nice, calm discussion with her about all the things that she thinks are helping but aren't. Sometimes this will work and sometimes it won't. good luck sweetie and i hope u can find some peace in the situation.

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