How to get husband involved with child responsibilities??

Darylann - posted on 12/16/2011 ( 13 moms have responded )

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My husband and I are due the first week of April 2012 and I am nervous...not of labor...but of what is to come of responsibilities when we have our second child. I am a stay at home mom, my husband works and is in the Guard. I take care of our 2yr old daughter 24/7. Very rarely do I get out of the house by myself or get to have a quiet moment. I ask my husband to get involved...but because he hasn't in the past my daughter refuses him. By the end of the week, I am so exhausted...bedtime can't come soon enough for our little one!!! Its the only quiet time I get all day....and then I am guilted by my husband for just wanting to be alone in the house for a little while and not with him at all times when he's home from work. Its stressful. How do you other mom's get your husbands to jump in and help out? I don't expect much...but some free time would be nice every now and again!!!

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♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 12/19/2011

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Liz you obviously didn't understand my post. What I'm saying is that why go out of your way to please your spouse physically when he doesn't try to help you out emotionally. And my husband agrees with me. Why would you want to have sex with someone who usually leaves you emotionally and physically drained? In fact how can you have sex and really enjoy it when you're physically and emotionally drained and the person you're having sex with is the one who made you that way?

It's obvious to me that the OP has been initiating constantly and her husband hasn't been helping out. I was also in the same position with my ex husband (thankfully my older daughter wasn't born yet) and I wore myself out trying to make his selfish ass happy. I'm not about to do that again. My husband knows that. We help eachother out because that's what a marriage is. And sometimes like it or not it is a case of 'if you do this I'll do that'. I tell my husband if you wash the pots and pans in the sink I'll unload and load the dishwasher. I do the laundry, he vaccuums and sweeps. I'm very greatful that my husband isn't in the mindset of since I'm a SAHM that I should be in complete controll of the household chores.

Bethany - posted on 12/18/2011

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it's a bit of a late start, waiting 2 years, but just let him. Just let him be alone with her. Switch off your phone and go away, for the day or the week. Men do so much better when they're left alone, and not watched and judged. If he needs help, he can do what we did, we Google or call the Dr or go to the hospital or the library. He is 100% parent and you are 100% parent. You are both adequate. But he's not going to do what you do or how you do it. His daughter will find out that Daddy is fine, just different, they care differently.



I started from day dot. stepped back alot and didn't expect it to be done my way, just done. Groceries, nappies, cleaning, we take turns, and support eachother, we're rowing the same boat here. That said, my husband is not your husband and there will be some discretion and good judgment on you part. But don't assume how things will go or how good or bad it will be, just see it as necessary, like if you or a loved one fell ill and were just suddenly out of the picture. You need to be confident in him.



and lots of praise, like a toddler, for absolutely any effort ever ;)

Medic - posted on 12/17/2011

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Tell him he was man enough to make them he is man enough to help. I am lucky that my husband who was full time Guard and then Army and now out for good has always taken a VERY active role with our kids and house work. He knows what it is like to be gone for a year at a time and he has missed a lot of time with both kids. I think it is a matter of men will do what you allow them to do. When I am just going crazy I will just up and tell my hubby to watch the kids I will be back later and he does.

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♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 12/19/2011

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I wasn't being rude I was defending myself and explaining what I'd said since you misunderstood. There's a big difference.

But you're right the OP does deserve his help and she deserves to hear different veiw points from people who have been in these situations.

Liz - posted on 12/19/2011

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Ok, well you can stop being rude. I wasn't meaning to be. She does deserve his help. I'm not denying that. I didn't say that you were saying anything about being a slave. I was merely pointing out that I didn't mean that.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 12/19/2011

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I don't believe you did.

Moose, I never meant to bribe him or anything. I do NOT bribe my husband. And I never suggested that her husband or anyone's husband doesn't deserve love. But so does the OP and she deserves some respect as well which obviously she isn't getting. My husband says you give what you get and so do I. I never implied that you said to be a slave to your husband so I have no idea where you're getting that idea from. I do understand how a marriage works thank you

Liz - posted on 12/19/2011

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Yes, I did understand your post. I'm not meaning to be mean either. And I'm not saying bribe him or give him what he wants so he'll do stuff for you. I was simply pointing out that husband and wives' ideas of expressing love are totally different, and to be aware of that. I'm NOT saying be a slave to your husband and do whatever he says, but remember, they need love too.

Liz - posted on 12/19/2011

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Megan - then why should he help you? Someone has to initiate. It's not "do this for me, and I'll do this for you". I have been in the op's exact same boat, so I'm just saying what worked for us. I can say I love my husband more than ever, and isn't that the goal?

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 12/19/2011

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I'd recommend pumping some milk into bottles designed for babies who breast feed (Avent and Born Free are my 9 month old's personal favorites) so your husband can't use the excuse of not being able to feed your next baby. Also get him to help do diaper changes because sometimes those poops take two people (or in mine and my husband's case two countries LOL) Get him that raising children is a team effort not a one woman show.

My husband says that if he isn't helping you then why should you help him? Just do what needs to be done for you and your daughter, but leave him to his own devices and see what happens. Or you can tell him you've decided that he's helping out with household chores.

I also feel that maybe your daughter doesn't want to be around daddy as much because he hasn't taken the time to bond with her.

Most important though is to sit down with your husband and tell him exactly how you feel because men aren't mind readers. He may not know that you're tired and stressed and really need help. Men aren't very good at picking up on subtle clues and hints, you have to state what you want from your husband plain and simple. Because that's what guys understand. I know this because when I think I've explained something to my husband he doesn't get what I've said.

I'm pretty lucky that my husband was living out of his mom's house for a while and even when he did live with her he had to do his own laundry and everything else. Of course now I do the laundry because I'm very particular about how it gets done. But he does the dishes and we help make dinner and get my older daughter ready for school. He also doesn't need constant praise for doing work, just a thank you and a hug. Thank God for that because I don't think I could deal with a guy who needs a celebration for unloading the dishwasher!

I also don't totally agree that we should focus on pleasing a man who doesn't feel inclined to please us because marriage is a two way street

Liz - posted on 12/18/2011

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I agree with Bethany, especially on that last part! It has taken my husband 4 kids before he has finally really stepped up lately and I feel like he is more of a help than a hindrance. He has always been pretty good with the kids, but it would drive me nuts that he would take his time to get them dinner, or take his time to get that dirty diaper off, or take his time to...well you get the picture! He has gotten so much better! Just the other day I had to go to the store for groceries and he wasn't feeling well but I left all 4 kids at home (they were all napping when I left) and when I got home he had fed them and cleaned up! Sorry, just had to brag a bit. Men loved to be bragged on, whether or not they will admit it. Our pastor always says, "a wife needs to be her husband's biggest cheerleader" and it's true.
Also, think about this. I KNOW that at the end of the day, wanting to "please" your husband is one of the last things on your mind. Believe me, I know! We had all of our kids in 4.5 years! But spending time in the bedroom with you is what makes your husband know that you love him, just like him helping you with your daughter is what lets you know that your hubby loves you. By being more willing to please him, your husband will most likely be more willing to help you out and vice versa. You can't control what your husband does, but you CAN control you.

Darylann - posted on 12/17/2011

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Kelina, Thank you so much for your insight. I have left her alone a few times for a short while so I can make a quick trip to the store...but I usually get 5 phone calls...so its not that I really get away!!! Alot of my issues began back when Lily was first born...I nursed her...so his excuse was that he "couldn't" feed her...and I just got into the habit of doing it all myself. And now, after two+ years of doing it all by myself (before we had kids I worked and kept the house) he is spoiled...and use to me doing everything that needs done except working outside the home to make money. I like keeping our home and taking care of our child but I am anticipating the extra work load with a second child...I think we better use the next few months to work on getting him more involved....so that I don't lose my mind when we have two little ones running around!!

Kelina - posted on 12/17/2011

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how old is your daughter? when my son was about 7-8 months my hubby couldn't do anything with him. Since he hadn't done anything up to that point with our son, our son wanted nothing to do with him. It came to a head one night when our son was screaming and I'd been dealing with him all day. I was so wiped that I handed him over to daddy-he screamed louder. We got into a bit of a fight, me telling him that he needed to spend more time with Jonathon because I needed help and he couldn't even console him when he was crying. I told him I wasn't going to put our kids in the same position I'd been in, with a dad who was around but not really "there." It didn't happen overnight, but he did start to step up, and when baby #2 came he was wonderful. He took care of almost all of Jonathon's care for the first 6 months and hardly even complained. Have you tried leaving you daughter with daddy for a weekend and going away? just for a visit to a family member or something? that could really help wake him up the realities of raising a child. Iknow that sometimes men just don't understand it because they have never had to live it. we have.

Sanaa - posted on 12/17/2011

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Well i hear you! I don't have the exact same problem as you do but I do find it hard to be 'alive and 'kicking' after my children are put to bed. I just wnt ot be alone and refrain from talking after talking ALL DAY but i just try to be as pleasant as I can because I still have to make me hub happy and vice versa. Easier said than done though! I do have Friday evenings off. Which may seem like a little amount of time to some but on Friday as soon as school ends and all children are home I'm OFF shift for the rest of the day. He does everything. He loves it too.I don't get involved with any of his decisions on that night and they go to bed when he sees fit and maybe you could try out something lie that too with your little one. Maybe because sometimes we mother's are so 'hands on' we don't give our men room to step up or into the daily running's of the house and they take a back seat feeling like they don't need to. Also I found that a few times per month I'd insist on going shopping on my own which would prepare the babies to be settled sweetly without me around. They were breastfed children so leaving them for long period of times I didn't do neither did I express because I simply found it time consuming and with four children under the age of 7 there was never spare time to do it. Do you have family or close friend's who can the children can spend time with so you get some quality time to yourself?

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