How to get rid of Brother in law

Rebecca - posted on 09/27/2012 ( 3 moms have responded )

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So Ill warn everyone now. This will be an extremely long post as I try to explain the entangled and complicated situation. My husband through our 17 years of marraige has had some kind of odd connection with his family. For some reason he feels responsible for them and when they mess up (and boy do they) he is the savior. As I play the role of this in my family as well, I understood the behavior, but this is just too much. His family has never liked me, even treating me worse than one would treat someone on the street. So I have a sore spot with them anyway.



Everytime they want to do something, they involve my husband. They talk about buying a house big enough to move the entire family in (myself and my daughter included) without even asking me. They also try to get me to go into every hair-brained business plan they have ever come up with as well. Which I will not do. No matter where I turn there they are. I thought I was safe from them when we moved from my husbands native state California to Oklahoma. But a year later, his entire family followed. (His grandmother, father and two adult brothers who failed to launch)



When they moved here we had a tiny 2 bedroom house and they all bombarded our house. None of them got a job, they just sat around all day. When I got an 800 dollar electric bill, I flipped and moved out and in with a friend. They stayed in that house without electricity for almost a year. And a couple months later I moved my family (myself, husband and daughter) to a city an hour away and thought we had heard the last of them. When my brother in law got fired from his job in that town, he couldnt find any other place to work, so my husband got him a job at his work. And of course he is an adult who cannot drive so we had to shuttle him back and forth. And eventually the inevitable happened. He moved in, because it was easier. It was supossed to be a month.



Now two years later he is still here. He hasnt had a job for almost 6 months and he got some girl pregnant so he has a baby here half the time. He watches disgusting things on my husbands computer and does disgusting things as well which I have caught him doing. He has no common courtesy for anyone in the house and myself and my daughter have slowly holed up in our roooms because you cannot even walk in our livingroom. When he did have a job he was giving his dad all of his money to pay for the house they have in the other town and us not a dime.



I have gone up and down and around and under and over this with my husband who just cannot get the guts to tell his brother to leave. Ive threatened to leave and my husband acts like im being silly. I have screamed, broke down in tears, begged, bargained and prayed for him to leave.



I told him a couple of months ago if he didnt get him out by June 16th I would leave. He had a month to talk to him about this. Come the DAY OF, he still hadnt told him. I nagged and nagged him to talk to him. Instead of walking out there and explaining it to him, my husband concoted some elaborate story about why he had to leave for a little bit so we could flea treat our carpets(making it seem like he could come back after a little while) of course his brother didnt understand that he wass trying to get him to leave so his brother was prepairing for a flea bomb and assuming he didnt need to leave. My husband came into the bedroom and I blew up. I DONT understand why he couldnt just speak to him about it. Instead, he went into the livingroom and blew up on his brother screaming and yelling until his brother was in tears. My daughter couldnt handle it and went out to comfort his brother who was viciously verbally assaulted by my husband. And things slowly went back to normal.



Now my husband doesn't even want to approach the idea of his brother leaving. Every couple of weeks ill mention it and he thinks his brother will commit suicide if we ask him to leave.



I dont know what to do. I understand my husband wants to protect his family but this is to much. Everytime I mention leaving my husband makes me feel like im being immature and ridiculous. But why dont my feelings matter enough to him to ask his brother to leave? Its not like he doesnt have a place to go. All he has to do is move home. He always says "I cant get a job if i go home" but he doesnt budge on getting one.



I should also mention that his brother is socially awkward. He doesnt understand social ques and I truely believe he doesn't have any clue he is bothering anyone and assumes this is how families work. And my husband feels I would mess things up if I spoke to his brother. Asking his father to help is a ridiculous thought as well. No man breathed with more of a sense of entitlement than his father.



His father would make such a huge deal, slash be rotten and cruel that I understand why my husband doesnt want to deal with that wrath. Maybe my only option is moving out.



Any advice would be amazing. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

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3 Comments

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Zahra - posted on 07/21/2017

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Hi there, I have been experiencing something almost similar to your situation and it is finally resolved FINALLY! and thought that I should be sharing this great news to help those in this traumatising situation.

First of all my Brother in law had been staying with us and our 1 year old baby for 3 years(Ever since we were married and began living together).
GOD it was the most hectic 3 years of my life that has ruined my psychology and emotions completely. I was almost about to see a councillor!
The first 2 years my husband and brother in law, every single night use to play on the Xbox when they came from work and left me crying in our room waiting for my husband to give me some attention one day as his wife.
Our sexual life was horrific. We were never able to open up to each other as we knew there was always someone living in our house. I always felt like I was a guest in the house forced to be there. Just because I wasn't able to open up to my husband.

We had a baby and i decided that i would not be having the Xbox, or anything else in the house that would give my brother in law the opportunity to take over our life and house. We had breakdowns in our relationship a few times and they were real bad sometimes because i kept going over and over about how I didn't want his brother in the house.
H evident want to understand because he is the same.ALWAYS wants to out his own family first.
When we had the baby i stopped speaking to his brother and every now and then I kept giving him the clue that it was my house. I kept saying things like Im sorry but your lucky to even be living in my house...etc infant of my husband. I don't care.
I was being stiff when it comes to this rat.
Anyway.
If he had things in the bathroom I kept putting it back in his own room and i JUST got fed up. I wanted it to be our own family. I wanted to get up freely in my own clothes and chill in my house without worrying if someone is there. Like a normal HOME would be.

In the end. He must have told my husband that he wants to go and stay somewhere else and my husband got quite upset but good on him. Who cares. Its the same if i was to bring my own brother. Everyone has their own responsibilities and should care for them and their children. not leave it to other people.
Its ridiculous and now I'm making the most of it.
THANK GOD.
THANK ALLAH.!

Corinne - posted on 09/28/2012

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What your husband really needs to understand is that you and his child are his family and his priority, he HAS to put you guys first. His father, brothers and Gran are adults who can take care of themselves and would probably be more inclined to do so if only he would stop enabling them. Your husband is perpetuating the problem by letting them do this over and over again. I would talk to your husband again, tell him you are no longer prepared to live like this and that his brother needs to leave or you and your child will. Make plans to be gone, then if the time comes and nothing changes you are prepared to go.

It is always nice when someone is prepared to help others, but not to the extent that it ruins their home and life and that of those nearest and dearest. I hope your husband comes around and sorts things before it's too late.

Vicki - posted on 09/27/2012

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I think your right the only other option is for you to leave. This sounds like your husband has issues with his family and has trouble standing his ground creating bounderies and speaking up, all issues you will not be able to force him into doing because you think he should. he needs to do this on his own terms, You keep telling your husband that you will leave if he doesnt do something but never do, maybe its time you do?

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