How to help him understand

Jennifer - posted on 03/27/2010 ( 4 moms have responded )

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I have a wonderful husband who i love with all my heart. Lately though, he acts as if his friend's wants are more important than mine or the kids. My husband works very hard and very long hrs through out the week. Most days we are lucky to see him for an hr or two before he needs to go to bed. We go to church on Sundays, so the Saturdays he doesn't work are our only time to be alone as a family. He has a wonderful friend who loves our kids and has helped us out financially and other ways when we needed help without hessitation, but lately it seems like he needs my husband every Saturday. The friend is Amish, so he doesn't drive. We live about a mile from where both of them lease land to hunt, so he always wants my husband to pick him up and bring him to the hunting land, and take him home. Though he lives about a half hr away, it really wouldn't be so bad, except he has my husband run him to stores and other places too. I miss my husband! I am here all the time with our three children by myself, and I'm not the only one who misses him. You would think a movie star walked through the door when he comes home, because all the kids come running screaming "Daddy, Daddy!" Though I know I am far from being a single mom (I used to be one, my husband has adopted my oldest two kids from a previous marriage), I still feel like I am all alone. I doesn't help any that I am prego, and the hormones are raging. I want to scream at him and tell him we need him more than his friend, but I can't do that for two reasons. He really doesn't deserve to be yelled at, and yelling never gets anything accomplished. I would just like some suggestions on some nice ways to explain to him that I need him here. I have been feeling so depressed lately, but the depression always goes away as soon as he walks through the door and I know he isn't leaving right away.

4 Comments

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Michelle - posted on 03/27/2010

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I can totally sympathize with you, my husband and I were in the same situation when I was pregnant with our first child, and I did do the yelling thing, which, as you said, didn't help anything, all I know to do is, sit down, and talk calmly with him, and express your concerns, I'm sure his friend is great, BUT, you and your kids need him alot more, just let him know that you'd like to spend some time with him, since he is wokring all the time!

Jennifer - posted on 03/27/2010

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I know how you feel, to an extent. My husband works six nights a week, sleeps during the day, and then does his volunteer firefighter stuff during the evenings, and will only be gone more evenings once baseball starts. The only day we really have together as a family are Sundays, and those will be taken away with the start of baseball also. I am also pregnant and feeling very lonely. I told him just the other day that he has to cut down on either his baseball or firefighting for the next year, as I can't continue on in this way. We have a 12yr. old daughter, 14 month old twin boys, and a baby due on July 1. He was upset, but after I told him how I felt, and that I was beginning to resent him, he understood where I was coming from. He also told me that I seem like I don't need him to help me, and that I always have things under control. I laughed at him. I am so all over the place that I don't know where I am half the time! lol But I appreciated the compliment.
Could I suggest something for the children? I don't know how old they are, but is it possible that they could ride along sometimes when their dad takes his friend places? It would give you a bit of a break, and them some much needed time with their dad, even if just one of them went along.
I really hope that things work out for you.

Kristin - posted on 03/27/2010

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Calmly sit down and tell him what's going on with you in your head space. Tell him how much you miss him. Hve the kids tell him how much they miss him, but not at the same time. It's too much like being ambushed. Let him know that while you love that he gets to go do things with his friend, it feels to you like the friend has taken away all of the family time and you would lie to have a lot of that back. If he ms help his friend run errands, maybe they could consolidate all of the errands to one Saturday instead of all of them? And seems to me, if they really want to hunt, they can hoof it and come back for the truck later if successful. Also, isn't hunting season over?



There is indebted and then there is in debt to? If you are the first, a simple chat with the friend should be no problem. Because there is helping out and then sliding into taking advantage. If the later, get it cleared up and quickly. Money does not mix with either friends or family.



I get the impression that going to church for you extends way beyond attendng services. Perhaps until you are feeling a little better, you forego some of the additional things you are doing after services. Claim it as family time with your family and really it is a temporary change to the routine.



I don't know if this helps, but I am really sorry that you are feeling so alone right now. Keep your chin up, it will get better.

Christine - posted on 03/27/2010

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I know this may be hard for you as my husband works all the time as well , but if the man has indeed helped you out so much maybe you should alott that time for your husband to help him out. You must give back what you get, but if you do not want to consider that the easiest way to speak to you husband is to simply speak the truth. Let him know that you and the kids miss him and would like to spend his one day off with him. What may help to keep from arguing is to not speak to him when he just gets home from work, he will, of course be tried and cranky. If possibble try speaking to him before he leaves work or while he is the shower. It's hard not being able to spend time with your husband and to sometimes allow you sadness at missing him to turn towards anger to him. You must fight this as hard as you can in yourself by reminding yourself why he is working so hard and that he is working so hard, where some husbands, sorry to say, are not able to do so or willing.

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