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Victoria - posted on 05/30/2010 ( 13 moms have responded )

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I recently asked a question on my facebook, just to get some opinions. My husband has a 4 door car. He has had 4 cars in the past 5 years. I have only had one, its still my first car. I've had it for almost 5 years. It's a 2 door and I have the girls the most, since I'm stayin at home with them. I've been doin it for a year. One of my friends was saying that technically I can't afford the newcar. My husband can, but since I'm not working, I cant afford it. She only recently started working. She is a mom and married. She went on to say about how if something were to happen to my husband or if we were to split, I wouldn't be able to keep it. I guess I can see her point, but I'm workin my butt off for my girls. Just because my husband brings home the money doesn't mean I'm not working or I don't deserve something. How do you reply to something like that without being offended or rude?

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Kelina - posted on 06/01/2010

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I would simply let her know that her comment was offensive, and you would never consider something like divorce over something as trivial as a frustrating car. I would also talk to your husband and let him know that you think you need a different vehicle because it's difficult to get the kids in and out of the car and it would be safer for you to have a four door car. He may offer to switch vehicles because he doesn't realize that it's so hard for you. And everyone else here is right, marriage is a partnership. If your friend thinks of marriage as something that can be easily disposed of, maybe she's a friend you need to spend less time with and remove from your facebook friends! Good luck let us know what happens!

Jennifer - posted on 06/01/2010

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If that is the way this "friend" thinks, I would hate to be married to her. A marriage is an equal partnership. You work hard at home, he works hard away from home. What is yours is his and what is his is yours. I don't think I can suggest a response to her w/o being rude or snarky.

Kelly - posted on 06/01/2010

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I agree with everyone else. He should want what is best for the kids (which sounds like it would be to switch cars with you). You didn't make it clear how he felt about this, so I am going under the assumption that he will agree when you and he discuss it :) and as for your "friend" she doesn't sound like a very good influence, or a person I would personally want to be around. I have been married for almost 23 years and have four kids. NEVER have we ever made a decision based on what would happen if we split up. That is simply not a consideration. As for if he dies, then as the others mentioned, you should make sure there is adequate life insurance, on both of you. Because if you died first while you have young children, his life will change drastically as well. He would be paying for childcare and household help, and he might also find himself unable to afford a new car! That is something every couple should make sure is covered. I hope you get this straightened out.

Nicole - posted on 05/31/2010

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p.s. my bf and I are not married, so here was my response to our his/hers money issue, he makes it and then a portion comes back to me for child support. It is still used for the family, but it is the fact that until he decides that his/hers is wrong when you are in a committed relationship, it will stay that way, he does not like it so it kind of gives him incentive to change his attitude. Either that or I continue to keep a portion of his paycheck that he can't access.

Nicole - posted on 05/31/2010

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here is what I would do, talk to your hubby, my belief is that in a relationship it is 50/50 it is family money that he brings home I don't believe it is right that a man not provide where it is needed, if you need a new car, and I would say you do, talk to him, if you have a good relationship than don't worry about him splitting, he should recognize the family need, maybe not an expensive suv but a nice sadan would be good, tell your friend you appreciate her concern but you are not sure if you share her beliefs on family financials. this way you can say thanks but no thanks without her feeling like you are dissing her, it is the agreement to disagree. Do work on your hubby about the car though, you need it and if he is the sole provider than he needs to do his job and provide for you

Heather - posted on 05/31/2010

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Hi hun! I would have to agree with Kymberly and Cyndel. My marriage is a partnership. I get what I need and he gets what he needs. Whether that is a new car, a hot meal, or some clean laundry. I take care of things my husband doesn't even blink at and vice versa. As for the friend wh made the comment about divorce i would also distance myself from her. Divorce is not an option in my marriage, this has been the same since before we were married. My hunny and I have been together 10yrs married 5yrs, bought 2 houses, sold 1, bought 4 cars, and sold 4 cars and through all of it no matter who it belonged to before or whether or not it was purchased before the actual wedding it has been OURS. Talk to ur husband let him know ur needs. I'm rambling GOOD LUCK!

*Lisa* - posted on 05/31/2010

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I'm a little confused. Did your husband say that you can't have a new car?? Or is your friend just saying that you can't get one??

Jane - posted on 05/31/2010

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you need to distance yourself from that person. she's not a positive part of your life. and i would never in a million years make a comment on someone's life like that.

as my father taught us, marriage, money, politics and religion are nobody's business but your own. and anyone who doesn't respect that isn't your friend. she's probably not happy in her life and wants to share the misery.

why don't you and your hubby swap cars? it'd be much easier for you to get the kids in and out.

[deleted account]

I think that was a rude comment. It almost sounds like she is wishing for you to fail in your marriage! If you talk to your husbands and he agrees to get a new car then well then its nobody elses bussiness!

[deleted account]

Ugh. Has she ever heard of life insurance, child support, and alimony?
Just tell her that you are financially prepared to continue your life as it is in the face of a divorce or sudden death.
If you are married, the money he makes belongs to BOTH of you! Because if you worked, he would be paying at the very least a daycare center and a house keeper.

On the car issue, I do think you and your hubby should swap cars on days that you have the children with you. My hubby and I have 2 cars, a Ford Mustang (2 doors) and a Nissan Rouge (4 door small SUV). We never refer to "his car" or "my car" it's just the "family car" and the "fun car." He usually takes the Ford to work and I keep the SUV b/c it is safer for our son (although I think driving around in the Mustang would be fun for Jake.lol)

Cyndel - posted on 05/30/2010

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I work as hard as my husband. He always says that I work just as hard for our money as he does. If it wasn't for me he would be spending half his paycheck for child care, and loosing money when ever our son is sick.

Also Divorce has never been a part of my vocabulary. It is not an option, period, both my hubby and I agree on that and have since before we were wed, we still stand strong on that decision after 3.5 pretty rocky years. Also if my hubby dies he has enough life insurance to pay for any loans or morgages we may have, car or house, and help me start up the business I want to run out of my home, if I haven't started it yet.

Personally I would have been offended at the suggestion that divorce would have been mentioned as such a probable event. Especially from someone who knew me.

Erica - posted on 05/30/2010

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I worked the 1st 6 months of my daughters life and thought that stay at home moms were women who just wanted a free ride. Now that I'm a stay at home mom my self (by choice) I would tell her that she's rediculous In Ohio (where I'm from) everything would be split equally in a divorce and if my spouse dies I would get insurance and Social Security. You should be in same place as me. Also one thing to think about is that you don't marry some one make kids then worry about who will get what in a divorce!!!



Tell her she's out of line and get your new car hun you deserve it!!!

Kymberly - posted on 05/30/2010

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Sorry to hear such a negitive comment from a friend! I am a stay at home mom of 4 ages 4 and under. My husband works, all the time, to provide for our family, and he feels that he just wants to give his family the best. So he gives me the big, newer suv and he drives the smaller car. He feels that since I do most of the driving around with the kids, that he wants me in a dependable car that is safe for our children. So at your husband first, he needs to think about what his family is in most of the time and not him. Maybe it is something you can talk to him about. At your friend, personally if it were me, I would tell her to kiss my butt. Just because you don't have a job that makes you money does not mean you should have a newer car. I think you need to not worry about their feeling and only worry about yours. If you feel she crossed the line, then tell her that. And if she stops talking, then she really was not your friend to begin with. I am not trying to pass judgement on anyone, but some people need to understand that a stay at home mom is a job, probably more of a job then any other kind of job out there. I hope this helps, even if it just makes you feel a little better! Take care!

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